tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post1411325869734003762..comments2024-03-28T11:43:32.966-07:00Comments on The Disciplinary Couples Club: Vol. 250 - Staying in Character, and small things continuedDan - A Disciplined Hubbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01588294648648656600noreply@blogger.comBlogger41125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post-83748930382274455282018-05-20T15:31:41.997-07:002018-05-20T15:31:41.997-07:00Thanks for the long answer, ZM.
It makes sense th...Thanks for the long answer, ZM.<br /><br />It makes sense that a bad habit is hard to correct and therefore needs a more severe punishment. It must be very severe if you are sore for several days. When my girlfriend paddles me I am sometimes sore and have difficulty sitting down for the rest of the day, sometimes I can still feel some slight soreness the next day, but definitely not for several days. <br /><br />I can see how it is harder for your wife to discipline you severely for things which she doesn't find that important, I guess you have discussed with her which habits need to be changed.<br /><br />What I find really good is that spanking clears the air and avoids simmering resentment. I imagine this is the main attraction in it for most couples.<br /><br />rgds, richard.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post-71233465350594252062018-05-20T09:09:53.368-07:002018-05-20T09:09:53.368-07:00Right, and your observation also injects that elem...Right, and your observation also injects that element of detection, i.e. how often you get caught. When I got four tickets in a row, it got into my head that maybe the prospect of getting caught was higher than I had grown accustomed to.Dan - A Disciplined Hubbyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01588294648648656600noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post-31557386047923524612018-05-20T09:04:57.198-07:002018-05-20T09:04:57.198-07:00Thanks! Probably more self-revelatory than most o...Thanks! Probably more self-revelatory than most of what I've written about DD. :-)Dan - A Disciplined Hubbyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01588294648648656600noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post-50692076992252362592018-05-20T06:32:22.495-07:002018-05-20T06:32:22.495-07:00Your little essay about you shop is a great read. ...Your little essay about you shop is a great read. I love it!Tomy Nashhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06208893789610692117noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post-14383975651724244202018-05-20T06:29:50.019-07:002018-05-20T06:29:50.019-07:00Yes, you are absolutely right about repetition and...Yes, you are absolutely right about repetition and especially consistency. As I said earlier, part of the reason I speed is I seldom get caught. I expect that is true with everything.<br /><br />Unfortunately consistency is hard to achieve, since life (schedules, kids) tends to get in the way.<br />-ZMAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post-24941937281918302062018-05-20T05:44:57.498-07:002018-05-20T05:44:57.498-07:00Hello Richard,
DD has many benefits including for ...Hello Richard,<br />DD has many benefits including for us including that it helps me to address some of my habits that cause disorganization, lack of productivity, and ultimately failure and is helping me on the path to success.<br /><br />But one of the very best benefits is that it replaces the normal passive aggressive behaviors like the silent treatment - which ultimately doesn't work anyway because it leads to unspoken feeling and accumulated simmering resentment by both people - with much better and effective communication. It gets feelings out in the open, clears the air, and leaves both with closure on an issue and feeling closer to each other than ever!<br /><br />Your question "I would assume that, in order to be effective, it has to be fairly hard?" really got me thinking. In fact, I think it depends on the situation and the people. Ironically, for me it is probably inversely proportional to how serious the issue is. <br /><br />For an intentional or semi-intentional behavior (something that decide to do or not do in violation of a rule), the punishment probably doesn't need to be very hard because I feel guilty. Even a relatively minor punishment will be very impactful for me.<br /><br />On the other hand, for something that is much more minor, like correcting a bad habit that I do or don't do without conscious awareness, it requires a very hard (which translates to very long more than anything) punishment, so that I will be sore for several days. That way, it gets drilled into my subconscious and seems to help me change.<br /><br />I think this irony also makes it much harder for her, since she has to be much harsher for things that she doesn't really care as much about.<br /><br />-ZM Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post-68543444472466913362018-05-19T17:47:04.282-07:002018-05-19T17:47:04.282-07:00For me, the speeding analogy highlights in a real ...For me, the speeding analogy highlights in a real way the other major component in bringing about real change -- repetition and consistency. A couple of years ago, for some reason I developed a real problem with repeat speeding tickets. One didn't change my behavior. Neither did two. Or three. Finally, number four made me far more cautiousDan - A Disciplined Hubbyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01588294648648656600noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post-4436270180147648992018-05-19T15:00:01.188-07:002018-05-19T15:00:01.188-07:00Thanks for your reply ZM. I can imagine that DD is...Thanks for your reply ZM. I can imagine that DD is a lot better than the silent treatment, withholding of affection etc. I would assume that, in order to be effective, it has to be fairly hard?<br />richard.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post-14605243381856913832018-05-19T08:29:54.480-07:002018-05-19T08:29:54.480-07:00Sorry Richard,
I was going to reply to your quest...Sorry Richard, <br />I was going to reply to your questions as well, but submitted my comment too quickly!<br /><br />We got into DD about 2 years ago, but it is really quite a process. For a while it was kind of a game in a way, but centered around real things. I wanted it to be more real, but she struggled a bit with that and as long as it was just a game, she was good with it. But why not just talk about real issues? <br /><br />However, as time has passed, she has seen again and again the positive results of DD, and we both have benefited greatly from typical negative things like resentment, giving the silent treatment, etc. being replaced with very open, positive communication. Issues are dealt with quickly and we move on. So now, even though at times, it might be still a bit like a game, it is more and more real and effective as time passes.<br /><br />As I expect is the case for most all of the recipients of DD, it was my idea. She never would have thought of it, and certainly wouldn't have mentioned it.<br /><br />-ZMAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post-50740573781245906272018-05-19T08:21:48.565-07:002018-05-19T08:21:48.565-07:00Hi Dan,
That is also a question that it is imposs...Hi Dan, <br />That is also a question that it is impossible for me to know. However, I expect that it is probably much easier to stay in character, since I can see that the longer we do this, the easier it is for her to get in character and she is becoming more and more convincing in that role. BTW, as I type them, I don't really like either the phrase "get in character," nor the word "role" in the DD context since both make it seem like DD is all a game and evoke images of fantasy roleplay (which I also DO happen to like as well)! Having said that, I will continue to use both of them for lack of any better phrases or words. <br /><br />While it may seem somewhat easier to stay in character, I would kind of think that even in a clearly FLR relationship she would probably still generally be kind and loving, but would put her foot down as often as necessary (or as much as she wants to), so it might not really be practical or desirable for her to stay in character all the time.<br /><br />One thing that we have found really helps with her getting into character is signalling. Since we are doing this extended "boot camp" time of character development, where she is trying to teach me to be more timely and pay more attention to details, she sometimes sees offenses and decides to take action. If I walk into the room and she is wearing her camouflage t-shirt (like a female drill instructor, in a way), I know that punishment is coming as soon as we are alone. This signalling helps me to get into the proper state of mind and makes it easier for her to follow through. Once she puts on the shirt, without her even saying a word, we both know what is coming.<br /><br />Perhaps more important than getting or staying in character is recognizing and accepting the authority that she possesses. The more she exercises her authority, the easier it will be for her to do so and the easier it will be for me to submit. Once her authority is clearly and firmly established in both of our minds, she doesn't need to stay in character, because we both know that she can pick up that hat (and probably a paddle, strap, or cane) whenever she wants to.<br /><br />-ZMAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post-47809828814074787492018-05-19T08:00:27.867-07:002018-05-19T08:00:27.867-07:00Yes, true. Exactly as I wrote about a month or two...Yes, true. Exactly as I wrote about a month or two ago, again using speeding as the analogy. As long as the perceived benefit of speeding (reducing how late I am, feeling of freedom, or whatever) is greater than the risk of punishment (considering I don't get caught most of the time), I will speed. <br /><br />However, I can say that traffic laws and police enforcement DO slow me down. While I may still speed, I speed far, far less than if there were no laws or no law enforcement.<br /><br />Also, while they certainly could make the punishments such that I wouldn't speed ever (for example the death penalty), I wouldn't want to live in that country, and also they would lose an ongoing source of revenue. :)<br /><br />Now, back to spanking. While I absolutely do want to improve my performance and behavior, I also try to have realistic expectations for myself. She wants to see genuine effort and a general trend of improvement. If that happens, we will both feel like DD was quite a success. At the same time, if she sees that I continue a certain behavior again and again with no improvement, she will certainly ramp up the severity of punishments, and at some point I would expect she would begin to seriously question if this is all just a game, and if so, if she should continue playing.<br /><br />-ZMAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post-6139644180077491092018-05-19T01:12:16.863-07:002018-05-19T01:12:16.863-07:00An interesting comment, ZM. How did the DD begin w...An interesting comment, ZM. How did the DD begin with you? Was it your idea or hers?<br /><br />- richardAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post-48004293136442420302018-05-18T20:03:56.618-07:002018-05-18T20:03:56.618-07:00I like the speeding analogy, though it kind of beg...I like the speeding analogy, though it kind of begs the question, right? Bad behavior continues as long as the penalty is too low to *really* incent you to stop?Dan - A Disciplined Hubbyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01588294648648656600noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post-13808560331560451982018-05-18T19:40:43.910-07:002018-05-18T19:40:43.910-07:00Right -- I wonder whether staying in character is ...Right -- I wonder whether staying in character is harder than trying to turn it on, but feeling "bitchy" in that moment? It's impossible for me to know.Dan - A Disciplined Hubbyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01588294648648656600noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post-76619934935412339382018-05-18T19:21:28.864-07:002018-05-18T19:21:28.864-07:00Hi CK. So, a couple of things. First, I don'...Hi CK. So, a couple of things. First, I don't have any problem with fetish spankings. They just aren't my thing or what keeps me writing a blog every week. I'm totally fine with spanking fetishes, I just prefer people wouldn't try to take the blog in that direction, because god knows there are PLENTY of spanking fetish blogs out there, but not many that are devoted to DD.<br /><br />Regarding implements, no, this a rare occasion when I can say definitively that whatever role a fetish plays in my interest in DD, it doesn't play out where implements are concerned. Or, you could say what I have a fetish for his pretty, functional things. I have bought an extensive number of implements, but almost always for one of two reasons. First, for a long time I wanted to go more and more severe, which led me to things like rubber straps. After a while I figured out that not only did they not get me to where I wanted to me mentally and emotionally, they were "too" severe, in that they put in that "man up" state that is not at all about taking responsibility but just trying to get through it. So, what did I do with them? I threw them away. Because they didn't serve the purpose. Second, I have a thing for craftsmanship. After discovering a particular source of straps, I have bought all of mine from that source. Every once in a while I go there, and see one that is just so damn pretty, I need to buy it. But, even there, I bought one a few months ago that proved, not to be functional, so I threw it away. On paddles, it is true I have bought several. But, over the last year or two, all have come from the same source, and almost always it's been that the particular wood was just so damn pretty, it was nicer than what we had. So, I bought it for the aesthetics. I'm the same way about cars. My primary car is much lower cost than I can afford, but I like its functionality and its looks. Same with motorcycles, sort of. My primary bike is not much to look at, but for what I want it for there isn't anything better, so I was willing to pay what seems like a lot for a motorcycle. Similarly, bags for work. I am worse than any woman you've ever met for buying bags, mine just happen to be for computers and work stuff. I've literally walked through an airport, seen a bag I liked, asked the owner where I could buy it and bought it on-line once I got on the plane. In fact, the bag I use day-to-day is one I saw someone carry on a plane. I got the details from the owner, bought it on-line, and it is just so goddamn functional that even though it doesn't look like much I use it day to day.<br /><br />So, no, I don't think my implement purchase are fetishy, except to the extent that I am fetishy about a whole bunch of beautiful and/or highly functional things.<br /><br />Dan - A Disciplined Hubbyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01588294648648656600noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post-68910148710956650472018-05-18T16:17:38.344-07:002018-05-18T16:17:38.344-07:00Regarding the difficulty of staying in character, ...Regarding the difficulty of staying in character, we cannot completely say because we do not have a FLR, which tend to be "full-time" but rather more of a DD relationship, where we are complete equals until she sees something that needs correcting, at which time she becomes the disciplinary wife. <br /><br />Having said that, I asked her and she said the most difficult thing is deciding to get in character, so to speak. Once she decides to act on something, she seems to have no problem becoming firm and demanding, but she feels somewhat like a bitch for making a big deal about something usually quite small, even though she knows it is what I want and need. And yes, she does struggle with wondering if she is doing too much, both in being too firm and also in punishing, so she tends to punish way, way shorter than she should (though very hard).<br /><br />- ZMAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post-7391086367121820832018-05-18T14:50:00.156-07:002018-05-18T14:50:00.156-07:00There's a middle ground between 'behavior/...There's a middle ground between 'behavior/consequences' and 'whacking away for fun' that may apply to many. Isn't it the maintenance/living-the-flr/because-she-says-so tht isn't necessarily goal-oriented but also feels very disciplinary? After all, there are many ways to incent good behavior, but we all seem drawn to stripping off our clothes and going over our wife's laps. <br /><br />And Dan, you are sometimes dismissive regarding 'fetish' spankings. But you've also talked about your extensive implement collection - isn't that just a teeny bit fetishy?<br />CrimsonKing<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post-26193101864818411932018-05-18T14:04:10.107-07:002018-05-18T14:04:10.107-07:00KD, I couldn't agree more. While I want to hav...KD, I couldn't agree more. While I want to have boundaries and have them strictly enforced, and I want and need actions to have consequences, it doesn't mean that I will suddenly become perfect and somehow immediately fix a lifetime of bad habits and behaviors. In the same way, policemen with their radar guns don't keep me from speeding, but they do keep it in check. I guess if they increased the penalty for repeat offenders to life in prison for speeding, I would probably stop completely, but just knowing there are consequences keeps me largely in control.<br /><br />-ZMAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post-8690925143920636812018-05-18T12:03:25.761-07:002018-05-18T12:03:25.761-07:00>>>>>>>>> Now, I don...>>>>>>>>> Now, I don't take that so far as to say that I don't want to permanently eliminate some behavior because it would eliminate the need for DD. That seems to me like the behavior is an excuse for getting a spanking, so why not just admit that and satisfy the spanking fetish without calling it DD?<<<<<<<<br /><br />Basically because I think it's still very different. Real behavior=real consequences is DD. Just whacking away for fun is just a spicy way to play. All I'm saying is that the actions and consequences can be genuine even if the realistic expectation is that some things may never be completely eliminated. <br /><br />You seem to say as much in your first paragraph. And 'yes' some things can be permanently changed, but some can only be somewhat mitigated and managed. Not a bad approach.<br /><br />And the 'being too good' argument does sound a bit like I'm trivializing DD, but after decades of doing this with different people it is somewhat true nonetheless.....at least it has been for me.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post-79356409281208966022018-05-18T08:12:33.148-07:002018-05-18T08:12:33.148-07:00I do think the reality is that a lot of offensive ...I do think the reality is that a lot of offensive behavior may be mitigated but not stamped out, and that may be OK to some extent. As anyone who has read even a few entries in this blog has detected, my major personal challenge is drinking too much. And, for a whole bunch of reasons, DD is unlikely to really "cure" that. For example, I do like the socializing that goes along with it and I think that socializing is a positive thing for the teams I run. And, I am in a business that depends on personal connection, and many of those are, in fact, forged over beers or a dinner with a bottle of wine. Therefore, I do think that alcohol serves a useful purpose in my life, so I'm not going to stop. But, being reined by my wife can keep it from getting out of hand.<br /><br />And, I have come to believe that while DD often starts with a focus on curing his behavior issues, that idea of an outlet for frustrations is at least equally important and serves a big purpose in marriage management. Now, I don't take that so far as to say that I don't want to permanently eliminate some behavior because it would eliminate the need for DD. That seems to me like the behavior is an excuse for getting a spanking, so why not just admit that and satisfy the spanking fetish without calling it DD?Dan - A Disciplined Hubbyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01588294648648656600noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post-85728940193292805162018-05-18T06:56:47.351-07:002018-05-18T06:56:47.351-07:00Why put all this pressure on 'curing' repe...Why put all this pressure on 'curing' repeat offenses? Why not just look at DD as a way to deal with them rather than cure them? How many guys here (and their ladies .....if they're into this) want to permanently 'cure' things whose subsequent elimination would also eliminate the need for DD? Not us.<br /><br />Nah. Better to deal with misbehavior consistently with the idea that actions have consequences. The result will be a guy who is trying harder and a woman who has an outlet for her frustrations.......yet expectations remain realistic. Who can really fully and irrevocably change some of the weaknesses that are so embedded in who we are? Besides there's nothing more boring for a DD couple than a perfectly behaved spouse.<br /><br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post-39702322230033399412018-05-16T08:10:05.831-07:002018-05-16T08:10:05.831-07:00It certainly works better in the religious context...It certainly works better in the religious context in which he wrote it, as it's meaning is really about the fact that so few Christians really understand scripture, because if they did they would have to obey that scripture and, deep down inside, they don't want to. So, ignorance or deliberate misunderstanding becomes the go-to psychological excuse for disobedience. Which seems to perfectly explain my fundamentalists relatives who voted for Trump despite the fact that he stands in opposition to pretty much every single teaching in the Gospels. But, looking for loopholes in order to avoid obeying also seems to be a fairly nice fit with the topic we've been discussing. At least, it was the best I could find without resorting to lawyer jokes.Dan - A Disciplined Hubbyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01588294648648656600noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post-34086147282642376472018-05-16T06:05:03.825-07:002018-05-16T06:05:03.825-07:00"Keirkegaard" - pretty deep.... and I d..."Keirkegaard" - pretty deep.... and I deign to play with his words<br /><br />But is it so hard to obey becuase it's so hard to believe?Tomy Nashhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06208893789610692117noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post-35976829950769648482018-05-15T19:35:33.866-07:002018-05-15T19:35:33.866-07:00We use Wednesdays. Both of us look forward to it ...We use Wednesdays. Both of us look forward to it too.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post-77296305208910299682018-05-15T06:13:58.636-07:002018-05-15T06:13:58.636-07:00Someone has a book on you tube about a woman who i...Someone has a book on you tube about a woman who is abducted by an M/f spanking-oriented alien. I'm not necessarily recommending it. But here it is; just for grins<br />https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jcQApOzuIBQ<br /><br />And the doubling method works - every time.Tomy Nashhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06208893789610692117noreply@blogger.com