tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post1000087681717165522..comments2024-03-18T20:37:30.660-07:00Comments on The Disciplinary Couples Club: The Forum - Vol. 163 - Rehabilitation v. Punishment?Dan - A Disciplined Hubbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01588294648648656600noreply@blogger.comBlogger45125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post-24302863371093417792016-07-02T08:17:51.040-07:002016-07-02T08:17:51.040-07:00Hi J. Girl. Thanks as always for dropping by. See...Hi J. Girl. Thanks as always for dropping by. See my longer responses to some of your comments, below. I admit that I am more comfortable than some with the idea that retribution (though I kind of like the term "payback") plays some role and that that's OK. It also may be one area where there is a slightly different dynamic between F/m and M/f oriented relationships. I admit that the idea of M/f retribution does bother me, because the historical power dynamic there is already so unequal, as is the relative physical power. I'm not uncomfortable, however, with the idea of my wife getting some sense of "payback," because it is really just the other side of the coin to my need for penance, and because if I really had a problem with it, the reality is I am physically stronger and could stop things if they got out of hand. Though, I also admit that part of me wishes the latter were not so, because one of te things that I find morbidly attractive about DD is the prospect of being taken wholly out of the control loop. Dan - A Disciplined Hubbyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01588294648648656600noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post-88332618597395128892016-07-02T08:12:00.734-07:002016-07-02T08:12:00.734-07:00Understood, and I really hope this blog becomes a ...Understood, and I really hope this blog becomes a vehicle for "firm determined women" to encourage each other.Dan - A Disciplined Hubbyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01588294648648656600noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post-6236997113173481192016-07-02T08:10:42.875-07:002016-07-02T08:10:42.875-07:00Hi Willow. "My need for clear expectations, ...Hi Willow. "My need for clear expectations, consistency and discipline or punishment when I don't live up to them for no good reason, and his need to rely on me, doing what I said I'd do and obeying his direction. We're a lot more focused on meeting each other's needs and turning to each other nowadays, rather than looking out how not to burden each other by being self-sufficient." Great way to put it. I am an introvert to my core, and I struggle a lot with the kind of interdependence you describe, always naturally gravitating toward self-sufficiency. But, the kind of interdependence you describe is clearly superior, and I think it is something that people who aren't part of these relationships struggle to understand -- the discipline and chain of command isn't confining, it is freeing. That includes a certain very paradoxical "freedom" in having fewer choices. Marisa described it last week as being freed from the ego in a way that allows you to be who you really are.Dan - A Disciplined Hubbyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01588294648648656600noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post-17374257413938556372016-07-02T08:05:15.666-07:002016-07-02T08:05:15.666-07:00Very, very well put. As some know, I have been ha...Very, very well put. As some know, I have been having some problems with a troll, who continues to send in comments ranting about DD relationships. Many of them include rants about the supposed inconsistency of getting some kind of emotional charge out of giving or receiving discipline. Your comment perfectly reflects the reality that many experience, but it would be impossible for me to explain that to him, since it's something you have either experienced or you haven't, and the dynamic something that you either desire or you don't. What I can't quite figure out with him his why he cares so much about whether the disciplinarians enjoy this all in some way, and seems so offended that they do, when the bottom line is all these relationships are entirely consensual. In fact, a huge percentage of them seem to be initiated by the party on the receiving end of the discipline. As you said below, "I craved this dynamic, and he was erotically attracted to spanking me, so he said he'd try." There is a certain amount of hypocrisy in the anti-DD crowd, in that they object to the control exercised by the doms (never acknowledging the sub WANTS this kind of relationship), and yet they themselves seem to have this overarching need to control how other people live their lives. And, who can object to effective conflict resolution and a heavily eroticized relationship!Dan - A Disciplined Hubbyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01588294648648656600noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post-3433513518129181022016-07-02T07:55:22.288-07:002016-07-02T07:55:22.288-07:00Hi J Girl. Thanks so much for dropping by. While...Hi J Girl. Thanks so much for dropping by. While we are on opposite ends of the F/m and M/F spectrum, we are on the same side of the paddle, and the very thoughtful comments on your blog never fail to resonate with me in some way. You state above: "I think many find that the initial attraction or purpose can evolve, as they find that in the application of D/s principles, many benefits emerge they didn't anticipate. Others find that certain aspects are a better fit, and they tailor their dynamic to fit their relationship." That is what has happened to us. A dynamic that originally began almost exclusively as punishment and stayed that way for many years has been "taken deeper" as you put it. Interestingly, while I suggested that move, she surprisingly gravitated to the dominant role a lot more readily than I expected, finding a part of her very much liked having control and exercising it. I also couldn't agree more on the need for frequent communication.Dan - A Disciplined Hubbyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01588294648648656600noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post-48286635564643610722016-07-02T04:25:30.878-07:002016-07-02T04:25:30.878-07:00Dan, I haven't made time to stop by recently, ...Dan, I haven't made time to stop by recently, and today decided I would make some time. What a pleasant surprise to see the nod you gave to my site. So thank you for that. <br /><br />I always enjoy the thoughtful, intelligent comments and posts that you make here. As we've discussed before, though our dynamics are different in many ways, there are many similarties. I enjoy hearing your perspective. <br /><br />As I've mentioned in a comment above, Jason and I make the distinction between discipline and punishment, with discipline being an act particularly administered with the end goal of modifying behavior, and punishment being merely the act of retribution. Initially, Jason began DD with me 3 1/2 years ago with the intent of "helping" me. I craved this dynamic, and he was erotically attracted to spanking me, so he said he'd try. As we began, we both quickly realized the benefits. I was more motivated to behave better, and he sure liked my better behavior. I didn't talk back to him anymore, or have a hissy fit over something silly. I spoke calmly and rationally to him, and we talked everything out. I took better care of myself and met my goals. Our entire home became more tranquil. From my perspective, I admired his dedication to me, and respected his calm and loving attention as well as his steadfast dedicatoin to helping meet my needs. Over time, we found that our relationship was more erotically charged, and we wanted more. So we took it deeper.<br /><br />I think many find that the initial attraction or purpose can evolve, as they find that in the application of D/s principles, many benefits emerge they didn't anticipate. Others find that certain aspects are a better fit, and they tailor their dynamic to fit their relationship. <br /><br />For us, now that mostly I do behave myself, punishment is very rare. It's an ever-present possibility, though, and with that in mind, I continue to both respect him and aim to please him. Now that behavior has been modified, and punishment is rare, we sort of had to figure out, where do we go from here? I love garnishing control to him and he loves being my dominant. We talk, and talk, and talk. So though I am still spanked if necessary for disciplinary purposes, most of the time it's stress relief or a role-affirmation spanking, because those are the types of spankings that help fuel our dynamic. Others may find discipline is the only purpose, and both are satisfied with only using spanking to that end, while still others find that keeping things to erotic only is the best fit. <br /><br />So to summarize what I'm saying here, in our case the initial goals have evolved over time, and I think that is pretty common. The needs of a couple change. It's one reason why clear and frequent communication is essential in any type of DD dynamic. <br />JGhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15399815123836143722noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post-40553076854698490272016-07-02T04:08:35.243-07:002016-07-02T04:08:35.243-07:00I actually had the same exact thought when reading...I actually had the same exact thought when reading the question -- that in many ways, consensual discipline can be likened to sex. Sometimes there is only one goal, but often many that go hand-in-hand. I would say for us, the reasons we embrace DD are for behavior modification and to help me achieve my goals, but also because my husband enjoys the control, I love his dominance, and it's all just sexy as hell. The outcome is effective conflict resolution, clear communication, and a heavily eroticized relationship. JGhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15399815123836143722noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post-63441798117800869932016-07-02T04:05:27.933-07:002016-07-02T04:05:27.933-07:00From my personal perspective, I would find my domi...From my personal perspective, I would find my dominant spanking me for revenge to be sort of immature, or coming from a place of selfishness, and I'd have a hard time respecting him for that. <br /><br />In our dynamic, we make a distinction between discipline (an act specifically intended to teach) and punishment, which would be more like retribution. Discipline is administered in love, with a specific goal in mind, but punishment isn't necessarily the same thing.JGhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15399815123836143722noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post-4947851873993224672016-07-02T04:03:38.199-07:002016-07-02T04:03:38.199-07:00I completely agree with this. For me, the knowledg...I completely agree with this. For me, the knowledge I've broken a rule or fallen short of his expectations for me is the real punishing aspect. The spanking itself is a sort of penance, way to make amends, and also a connection with one another that clears the air and strengthens our bond. They're all irrevocably entwined.JGhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15399815123836143722noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post-50880394169934834202016-07-01T16:01:43.080-07:002016-07-01T16:01:43.080-07:00My wife would echo that sentiment.My wife would echo that sentiment.Dan - A Disciplined Hubbyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01588294648648656600noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post-40988384313565994052016-07-01T15:56:23.645-07:002016-07-01T15:56:23.645-07:00Hi Marisa, sorry for the slow response. This week...Hi Marisa, sorry for the slow response. This week was a mess. But, in any event, thank you for the compliment. And, yes, she has, now that you ask. :-)<br /><br />Thanks as always for the very honest response. I like the way you put in terms of ending a power struggle. I have become a recent convert to the idea that equality in a relationship may seem like a wonderful goal, but it just doesn't seem to work. For much of the year I have been locked in a power struggle at work with someone I genuinely like. When we aren't on a project together, we are buddies. As soon as we work together, it is just never-ending head butting, because we both think we are right, and because we are peers, there is no good way to break the ties. We would actually get along better if one of us were in charge of the other. Maddening.Dan - A Disciplined Hubbyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01588294648648656600noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post-27910986098206761492016-07-01T15:51:08.444-07:002016-07-01T15:51:08.444-07:00I hadn't thought of the "reward" opt...I hadn't thought of the "reward" option, probably because it doesn't work that way for me and we don't do anything other than pure punishment.Dan - A Disciplined Hubbyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01588294648648656600noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post-6890269595443664422016-07-01T15:49:49.805-07:002016-07-01T15:49:49.805-07:00That is a new one. Thanks, Anonymous.That is a new one. Thanks, Anonymous.Dan - A Disciplined Hubbyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01588294648648656600noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post-44016711951319544402016-07-01T06:31:27.496-07:002016-07-01T06:31:27.496-07:00Hello Anna,
Both our boys need much of that I fear...Hello Anna,<br />Both our boys need much of that I fear. A woman's work is never done<br />MarisaAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post-78937622756228610682016-06-30T14:05:00.178-07:002016-06-30T14:05:00.178-07:00Thanks to all for the reassuring words. I agree wi...Thanks to all for the reassuring words. I agree with all that was said but sometimes asserting your self brings out all those negative messages our society promotes about firm determined women.Have no doubt that I intend to continue to be strong and firm not just because my husband needs it ( boy or boy doe he need it) but also because I need it too. Thanks again<br />Holly Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post-35444108196357132062016-06-30T10:22:20.342-07:002016-06-30T10:22:20.342-07:00Marisa
Like you, to see my Peter strip and obey a...Marisa<br /><br />Like you, to see my Peter strip and obey at once is a thrill.Sometimes I think you are my twin. We think so much alike. And as you and Holly haver said, I do enjoy the punishing of my man when he crosses the line.<br />'HUMBLING FUNCTION" is used often now in our home. <br />Thank you<br /><br />anna<br /><br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post-70636764617205654302016-06-30T07:27:18.468-07:002016-06-30T07:27:18.468-07:00Hi Marisa,
Do you ever control your husband this ...Hi Marisa,<br /><br />Do you ever control your husband this way in public or in front of witnesses.I can imagine the thrill and the fear of being told to "strip for punishment" in front of one of my wife's friends. I think she might actually do it if I told her I was OK with it<br />CuriousAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post-54235775848878448432016-06-30T06:05:47.478-07:002016-06-30T06:05:47.478-07:00Holly, you said:
“Maybe I am turning into a bitch...Holly, you said:<br /><br />“Maybe I am turning into a bitch but men just do better with boundaries and consequences.”<br /><br />Never have I read a sentence in which I agree so much with one half, yet disagree the other half.<br /><br />Let’s take the half I agree with first:<br /><br />“ - - men just do better with boundaries and consequences”.<br /><br />Yes, and those boundaries should set and enforced by their female authority figure, be it mother, teacher, aunt, landlady, boss, girlfriend and/or wife. This goes beyond DD and corporal punishment - but within the context of a LTR, certainly DD with CP is the preferred operating system.<br /><br />Now for the part I disagree with:<br /><br />“Maybe I am turning into a bitch”<br /><br />Well, maybe you are now more demanding and exacting, but this is hardly being a bitch. A bitch is a woman who nags, whines, complains and yes, bitches. But a No Nonsense Lady is a woman who sets some simple rules and strictly enforces them. She is a woman who only says something once. Whether it is for her man to do something or not do something, she never repeats herself (the opposite of nagging, whining, complaining and bitching). She simply retrieves her paddle (or other preferred implement) and uses it - usually as her first response to misbehavior or bad attitude.<br /><br />Carl H<br /><br /> Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post-34416433320488750252016-06-29T23:33:31.005-07:002016-06-29T23:33:31.005-07:00Holly:
Please don't allow your concerns to pe...Holly:<br /><br />Please don't allow your concerns to perpetuate the "bitch" myth. I'm pretty sure you are a strong woman, and there's nothing wrong with that. I'm also sure that the disciplined men here will confirm that they desire a strong woman to take control.<br />Merry Contraryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13605968415958113942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post-49320775360847139182016-06-29T14:57:14.436-07:002016-06-29T14:57:14.436-07:00Thankfully she has never spanked me for a speeding...Thankfully she has never spanked me for a speeding ticket. I would be perpetually red and sore.Dan - A Disciplined Hubbyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01588294648648656600noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post-23584147301782712052016-06-29T14:38:40.956-07:002016-06-29T14:38:40.956-07:00There is one person who knows of our DD relationsh...There is one person who knows of our DD relationship -- that I know of. As discussed last time, once the cat is out of the bag, who knows how many others know . . .Dan - A Disciplined Hubbyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01588294648648656600noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post-67947946620632965532016-06-29T14:12:21.108-07:002016-06-29T14:12:21.108-07:00Very well put. And succinct. ;-)Very well put. And succinct. ;-)Dan - A Disciplined Hubbyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01588294648648656600noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post-46489079584544916822016-06-29T14:11:37.184-07:002016-06-29T14:11:37.184-07:00Hi Peter. As Marisa said last time, it's that...Hi Peter. As Marisa said last time, it's that ego that gets us in trouble every time. Everything you say here applies perfectly to meDan - A Disciplined Hubbyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01588294648648656600noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post-29733193399332833492016-06-29T13:05:10.597-07:002016-06-29T13:05:10.597-07:00Hello Dan.
Another winner: you are on a roll.Has ...Hello Dan.<br /> Another winner: you are on a roll.Has your wife been providing a little extra incentive to your good performance? Regarding this weeks topic, telling your husband to "strip for punishment" and to be obeyed instantly would thrill any woman and it sure does this woman. So power and punishment are part of it. But we started DD to permanently end a power struggle threatening our marriage and that is still our main motivation. I consider the thrill of exercising power over him as a nice bonus but not the main thing.Its a bad pun but the bottom line is really his bottom and the fact I control it to shape his behavior and keep stress out of our marriage. Like Holly I do admit I enjoy punishing him but only when he has crossed that line. Once he has done so, his ass is mine and he knows it.<br />Marisa Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699266088923868373.post-23961424476118501022016-06-29T09:20:16.980-07:002016-06-29T09:20:16.980-07:00Holly,
Have NO worries about being a "Bitch&...Holly,<br /><br />Have NO worries about being a "Bitch". Anyone married to a real "Bitch" could not be happy. And your Hubby definitely is.Tomy Nashhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06208893789610692117noreply@blogger.com