Saturday, November 9, 2019

Club Meeting 319 - Spillovers

“Above all, whatever you do, be the heroine of your life, not the victim.  Whatever you choose, however many roads you travel, I hope that you choose not to be a lady.” – Nora Ephron graduation speech at Wellesley College

Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Couple’s Club.  Our weekly on-line gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship.  I hope you all had a great week.

The blog got a little tense there at the end this week, and I’ve had some off-line exchanges with a few commenters.  I think I should just take this head-on, though I’m 90% sure it will fall on deaf ears.  There has been a proliferation over the last year of sketchy contributors, i.e. “sketchy” in terms of whether they are even vaguely what they try to seem to be.  There is always Sean/Jack and his "stories" that are really just the same fantasy told over and over and over again.  There are also at least a few instances of what I am pretty sure are men masquerading as women and one poster claiming to be two (likely a man posting as both husband and wife). Then, there are the more problematic personalities who want to have the fun of running a blog but without any of the work. They come on the blog,  contribute meaningfully for a week or two, then start trying to take over.  They finally cross a line and someone (me most often, though not always) smacks them down. They then flounce away, only to reincarnate with another name a few weeks later.   

So, if you are a man pretending to be a woman, or one person pretending to be a couple, or someone who really isn't into DD and just wants to spew out spanking fantasies, please go away.  You are making it so much harder for those folks who come here in the hopes of having honest conversations about this real DD to actually do so. Though, I have no illusion that this plea to consider the interests of others is likely to be honored by individuals whose defining quality is narcissistic self-interest.  

As for those who are genuinely into DD or just genuinely interested in it and looking for help and guidance, you really are welcome.  If you don't always get a hearty welcome, I apologize.  It may be that the other commenters have gotten wary thanks to some of the dick-ish behavior of others as described above.  For myself, I am going to assume that people are what they say they are, until I start seeing strong indications that you're not, but I don't have ESP and may not always get it right. 

Now, on to better things.  I think I’m going to have to walk my way obliquely into a topic for this week, as I’m not feeling a lot of inspiration.  Yet, I  do have a lot of thoughts running through my brain about things that have some connection to DD, whether direct or tangential.  There hasn’t been a a lot of actual action for us on the DD front, and for once it isn’t just the distractions of travel or competing family and social commitments.  In fact, by my (low) standards, I’ve been pretty well-behaved.  I'm feeling relatively settled, with one significant exception.  I’m super busy with business travel, but my core work function is really dead right now. That combination of high activity and low productivity usually sends me off the deep end.  But, for some reason, I’ve been handling it better than usual.  I also haven’t had as many issues with binge behavior.  My diet has been good, though not perfect.  I have a nagging physical problem that may be a blessing in disguise, since it is kind of forcing me to get my shit together on lifestyle issues. Funny thing is, I haven’t done much consciously to bring these positive changes about, though I’ll take it.

The exception I referred to above also relates to accepting changes that aren't within my control.  Without going into a lot of detail, the slowdown on my core job function at work is happening in parallel with other personal and professional developments that lead me to wonder whether it is time for a change.  In fact, I've been playing with the idea of semi-retirement or a big change of career for a long time, and I see many positives in doing something very different with my life.  Yet, I’m really not wild about leaving right now while things are slow.  It makes me feel like I'd be leaving as a failure, and I've always envisioned myself going out as a "winner."  In other words, I don’t want to make a change even thought it might be positive, because my ego doesn’t like the prospect of leaving with what feels like my tail between my legs.

So, how does any of that relate to Domestic Discipline?  Well, for me there has always been a component to DD that is all about accepting things that are outside my control.  It has, in fact,  been about creating circumstances (imposed rules coupled with disciplinary spankings) that are both challenging to accept and, to the extent practically possible, outside my control.  The idea of “surrender” to the reality you find yourself in—whether to a wife's judgment that you might not always agree with, or to the reality of an untimely career transition, or to a body breaking down with little you can do about it—has always been attractive to me philosophically but incredibly difficult in practice.   

But, something does seem to be changing.  Like I said, I’ve usually wigged out any time my work slowed down for a substantial period, yet this time I seem to be handling it OK even as I wrestle with what the slowdown might portend.  Do I credit Domestic Discipline for FLR or the spillover effect of helping me accept forces that are beyond my control.  Yes, in part.  Being subject to someone else’s control isn’t easy, and part of me rebels every time it happens. Yet, it does seem to be getting easier, the more comfortable she becomes with telling me what to do and bossing me around.  I don’t claim it is some kind of miracle process for getting right with reality, but I think it helps somewhat over time.  Which is good, because giving up my "control" issues has been a very explicit goal for me in all this.  DD plays a role in it.  FLR takes it further.  And, they work in tandem with  things like my mindfulness and meditation practice, both of which are all about getting rid of mental attachments, including attachments to particular outcomes.  Even this aging process works to help me surrender to what is, because I am trying to "fix" things but I recognize that I just may have to live with the fact that the fifty year-old version of me is not as resilient as the twenty year-old one was.


So, while dealing with career and health transitions was not any part of what attracted me to DD and later to FLR, they seem to have had “spillover” effects in those areas.  Many of us go into DD with some specific behaviors we want to fix.  Or, we go into an FLR because some part of us gets off on losing control or watching our wives taking it and making us surrender to her will. It’s not all that surprising, is it, that experimenting with changing our power dynamics—whether by becoming more accepting of authority or more comfortable exercising it—would spill over into other areas of our life?

So, that is this week’s topic.  How has DD or FLR (whether giving or taking) changed other aspects of your life, separate and apart from trying to fix or mitigate particular behaviors?  Has it made you more accepting of things outside your control? Or, maybe it has made you more controlling and demanding? Has it caused you to be more, or less, assertive at work or in other relationships?  Made you more disciplined in areas of personal behavior that have never really been an express part of the DD regimen?  Made you a better leader or follower in some aspect of your life?  Or, maybe it wasn't pursued expressly for sexual gratification but it has made your life more erotically charged across the board?

I’m leaving this pretty open-ended, as spillover effects could occur in a lot of contexts.  Maybe even contradictory contexts.  For example, I think experimenting with an FLR may have made me a better leader but a worse follower at work. It’s made me a better leader by helping me understand that simple, clear, concise orders are often easier to take and to execute than a bunch of passive-aggressive mumbling or dancing around things.   


The book The Hesitant Mistress has several chapters that touch on communication, most of them coming down to advice to state what you want, say what you mean, stop dancing around it, and stop seeking validation for it.  One line from the book kind of summarizes it: 

Just give your man one sentence, the meat of the matter. Get to the point. Tell your partner what you want boldly and unapologetically, and let him decide what he thinks about it. He will appreciate it.

Now, I do want my wife’s tone to be more commanding, more pointed, and more overtly authoritative than I would use in giving an assignment to a subordinate at work. But, you get the idea, and I have seen it in action.  When I give clearer and more direct orders, they are better received than some of the muddled “requests” I used to be guilty of. Of course, I also strongly suspect that one or two of the recipients are closet submissives!

On the other hand, I’m not sure that DD or FLR has made me any better as a subordinate and may have made me worse.  I still don’t have much respect for authority, and I’m still pretty intolerant of what I see as bad behavior or poor leadership. In fact, earlier this week I just couldn’t take it anymore and blasted out a communication that wasn’t exactly politic.  But, I’d just had it with what I saw as some hypocritical and pedantic lecturing from on high.  So, if anything, thinking and writing about how I want strong leadership in my marriage has made me less tolerant of bad leadership at work.  It also makes me less sympathetic to poorly delivered commands.   If someone gives weak orders, then they should expect weak obedience.

I do think the spillover effects of FLR are making me more accepting of bigger things in my life that are outside my control, though it’s hard to separate the effects of years of DD, years of meditation, and a couple of years of on-again-off-again FLR.   But, the timing is interesting, as I’m finding it easier to accept things like aging-related physical changes and the possibility of a career ending or changing just as we get more deeply into FLR.  I also feel less stressed as I get deeper into playing with changes in power dynamics.  

I suspect my wife feels the same.  She took control on something this week that I admit totally pissed me off, but I'm sure she felt better about it than she would have a few years back, because this time she just didn't give a shit whether I liked it or not.  As she grows more empowered, and feels more comfortable exercising that power, she's probably not as stressed about making decisions because she doesn't care as much about defending them or about how I will judge them.

Finally, I do think that both DD and FLR are elevating the overall level of erotic energy I perceive both in and around me.  I think about sex more.  I think about sex with my wife more.  I think about my wife having sex, with or without me.  I’m reading more erotically-themed books and stories.  I find myself critically aware of the physical attributes of people in the gym with me each morning – male and female; it doesn't matter because there is erotic power in both male and female forms.  I find myself really, really turned on by certain "flashing" pictures, such as those on Red and KD's respective blogs: blog https://consensualspanking.blogspot.com/ and https://collectedsubs.blogspot.com/2019/10/its-tomorrow.html.  

Coincidentally, I came across this flashing picture recently and thought it was hilarious.



So, I do think that DD and FLR have elevated my erotic energy in a positive and appealing way. Though, this is another area in which an FLR may be working in parallel with other forces, including some of my spiritual practices and mindful discipline. At about the same  time we started exploring FLR more rigorously, I started reading some books on Tantric philosophy and teachings (the real religious/philosophical stuff, not Tantra as sex manual) some of which emphasize energy manipulation. One book in particular got me really focused on acknowledging the positive power of desire, both as subject and object and posited that the energy some of us feel around us in our meditation sitting practice is itself erotic and based in desire. 

So, to put it more crudely, my general level of horniness seems to be going up as I age, and I'm just way more erotically wired lately than in years past.  And, I’m good with that even if I’m not sure how much is attributable to DD and FLR.

 

Have a great week.

46 comments:

  1. I am in a DD and FLR marriage. When I first discussed this with my then girlfriend I told her what I was looking for in a wife. I purchased Aunt Kay's books and printed things off the internet that discussed DD and FLR and gave it to my girlfriend to read. I had no intention of getting married again to someone who wasn't interested in this type of relationship. I explained to my girlfriend that I wanted a wife that disciplined bad behavior and a wife who was in total control of the relationship.

    We were then married and started a DD and FLR marriage. Over the years my wife has really developed her control. My wife usually asks my opinion about things but the final decision is her. For example she wanted a new floor in the bathroom and she showed me some samples of the flooring and asked me what I liked. I showed her what I liked then she showed me what she picked but she said she would consider what I liked. The next day she told me she was sticking to her choice and instructed to to go to Lowes this weekend and get the materials and install it which I did.

    Most of the time she is very direct with her requests like she will say I want you outside now to cut the grass or go clean the bathroom now. I like the direct approach because it makes me comply immediately where if she just asked nicely I might put it off and maybe not get it done on time.

    FLR has helped me in the work place too. I listen more to the women and go out of my way to help them or get things for them. It hasn't changed anything with the guys but being submissive to my wife seems to make me some what submissive to other women.

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    1. I've experienced something similar with her winning when there were competing choices on something for the house. The first time you have to live with a choice you don't like is a real eye-opener.

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  2. Unsurprisingly, I share your desire to my wife be a bit more commanding. She and I have discussed this too many times. The fact is it just isn't her personality. I have been trying for a long time to come up with ways around this. You know, maybe make her angry enough to really yell at me. Another strategy I've tried is to ask her to consider smaller offenses as more serious. Neither have worked in terms of her demeanor.

    She is loath to tell me what to do. In fact, it's hard to get her to ask me to do something. She would rather do without or do something herself then asked me to do it. This leaves me with the onerous task of trying to mentally divine what it is she needs. I'm not very good at that.
    I'm at a loss how to improve this particular problem. Somewhat ironically, she's managed to learn to be a good disciplinarian. Over the years, and most recently after some discussions prompted by my email exchange with Dan, she really upped the ante. I'm confident that she's burning my butt with the best of them.

    We're both committed to DD. It's just that we are stuck trying to get my wife to let me know when I displease her, as opposed to breaking one of our few set rules. It's equally frustrating to try to get her to tell me what she would like me to do.

    She freely acknowledges that she is the leader and we are in a FLR. However, this doesn't translate to a real take-charge perspective for her. She is perfectly capable of enforcing rules but not creating them. Sorry to vent. I should probably just do that in my own blog. I do think this is relevant to today's topic. If not, please accept my apology. Honest! I'm not one of the trolls you wrote about today.

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    1. Hi CL. It's a tough problem, and I'm honestly at a loss for any advice on it. I do think that people can become better leaders over time, but some just simply do not want the responsibility of leading, and I'm not sure that time or discussion will ever change that. Wish I could be more helpful.

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  3. Our DD focuses on my arrogance. I have become less aggressive at work but retained my assertiveness. I still push my opinion, but I am less condescending of others. This is a direct impact.
    Indirectly, I think I am more thoughtful. I don't jump in quite as quickly.
    I also see my wife as more powerful. I respect her opinion more. And not just when she has a paddle in her hand.
    DD is not erotic for me. But our sex life has never been better. I think the intimacy of DD is part of that.
    Arthur

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    1. That all sounds great, Arthur. I thought I'd made progress on being less aggressive at work, but kind of stepped out of that boundary this weekend. Of course, right now I feel like it was absolutely justified. Only time will tell whether I come to see it as emblematic of the same old stuff.

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    2. This is Liz. I have been thinking about this question. Art and I set up our DD in such a way as to prevent "spillover" into other areas. He is the head of the household and I did not want to become his boss at home.
      But spillover happens anyway. That is how powerful DD is!
      One direct impact that is ironic. Since our short hiatus when I took the kids to my mother's, and gave him his first paddling when we reunited, he has not once been as nasty with them as he had been before. I think it was mostly the shock of me leaving, but I believe the really hard swats I gave him, proving that our DD was real, was part of it.
      Now the spillover. He is much much more attentive to me and much less selfish. He always opens doors, he brings home flowers for no reason, he rubs my feet, he asks my opinion, he pleases me in bed. He did those things before but much less frequently. I do think the Monday morning paddlings is part of the reason. He is more subdued, more thoughtful, more loving.
      I wish I had picked up the paddle years before I did!
      Liz

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    3. Plus he turned 40 not too long ago. Middle age plus regular paddlings equals male maturity???
      Liz

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    4. Hi Liz. It sounds like it has been a real game changer for you! I think my wife might disagree about whether middle age and regular paddlings resulted in real maturity in my my case, but perhaps *more* maturity at least?

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    5. You know, I have thought of it as a minor "Monday morning" part of our lives. We barely ever do it otherwise or even talk about it. But maybe the impact (pun) is more than I thought.
      Liz

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  4. Sorry I have been a stranger. Looks like I missed some fun in the previous weeks.

    For this weeks topic it is something I reflect on often. I have several behaviors that without DD would still be going on. While initially I chose them my wife is up to two she has chosen. Those two I almost eliminated faster than she could find the paddle...almost a key word. While I made strides and eventually ended them the bigger piece was how my wife was engaging me.

    I think the "process" as we call it has also made me more patient and accepting of others. I am a alpha male at work and outside the home. But coming to grips with my own issues and struggles and forced to work on them has made me more patient with others. You never know what they might be dealing with...just like they dont know what I am dealing with.

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    1. It's always good to keep in mind how little we know about what others are going through.

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  5. What an interesting question this week which has given me some cause for thought. What changes has this DD relationship brought to the rest of my life? It can be difficult to isolate the 'spiller' effect of DD as other changes have happened during much the same period but there are probably a few that I can highlight ...
    1. I do feel that my private & public selves are much more aligned - even though only my wife knows of my interest in DD that is a 100% increase which somehow makes me feel more at peace with the world
    2. I am definitely more calm, less quick to respond without thought of the other person (whoever that is), more able to see other peoples viewpoint (a lifelong weakness!), more willing to help, etc
    3. I think more about what may go on in other people's relationships - what we do cannot be so unusual and there are many other 'kinks' that I am sure people I know indulge in. I am more curious about what others get up to behind closed doors.
    4. My attitude to women (always respectful given my background of growing up in a largely matriarchal environment) has become even more respectful. I genuinely believe that our females are the wise ones, the strong ones, the controlling (either overtly or otherwise) ones. I look at public figures though that lens and it is easy to imagine that the majority of males are 'managed' by a significant Lady. And the ones who aren't are often obviously dysfunctional ...
    5. More confident in that I do feel that I have clearer standards & boundaries, something / someone to measure myself by...
    6. More honest both internally & externally. Baring my soul weekly drives self-awareness and there is that pact that I think we all make which is to never lie in those key moments before the punishment starts. Clean the slate as it feels SO good after the heat has died down

    There's more but keen not to let this become 'War & Peace'!
    TB

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    1. HI TB,

      That's a great list. I won't respond to all of them, but here are how a few play out for me.

      1. Alignment of public and private selves definitely is *not* a benefit of DD for me. Probably because of this blog, I feel like I have two almost completely separate lives, complete with different commitments, calendars and sets of "friends." When they do overlap, as in the very few instances where someone knows about both of my worlds, it almost intensifies the sensation of living two lives, because the fact that they know about my secrets serves to highlight that there *are" such secrets. I'm not saying I have a problem with this. In fact, part of me kind of likes it. Probably kind of like fraternity rituals or being in the Masons.

      3. I do think that while experimenting with spanking may be fairly common, I don't see any indication that DD is, especially the F/m variety. But, I agree that DD does make me wonder more about what kinks my neighbors and co-workers are hiding. Of course, it works the other way, too. One of my best friends at my last job confided to me that he and his wife almost never had sex. My wife recently told me that the wife in a couple we hang out with confided that they haven't had sex in several years. So, while I think there are people out there who are equally or more kinky and erotic, there also seem to be lots of others who are vanilla or not having sex at all.
      4. I definitely don't think DD has made more respectful of or deferential to women in general. If anything, I think it has made me more focused on individual differences in leadership capabilities and inclinations to follow or lead, with fewer assumptions or stereotypes about a person fitting into either camp by virtue of gender.
      6. I totally agree to the power of honest confession and the way in which self-reporting regimens and things like DD journaling can force you to up your game on self-awareness.

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  6. I'm Jack, yes I sometimes get carried away, but I just got married, my wife knows about this desire. I have certain blogs that I enjoy, but my wife understands and now controls my time on the computer. As for the desire I showed her the magazines, the videos, all and this was when we were dating, thinking she would stay or leave, but at least I was open about it. It was a month after our marriage a long talk she had about this, said alot of males have this desire, but when it happens, they think otherwise. So I received my first adult spanking, I never knew it would hurt so bad, but I knew it was just a part of me. So yes I've gotten carried away, I was single, in the closet, and took along time to find someone who wanted to be in a FLD relationship. So sorry, this was the only place I could release this need and not get in trouble with the law. Your blogs do serve a purpose and they do help when there is no place to turn to.

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    1. Except, Jack, this is complete BS because you still leave the exact same inane, repetitive crap on other blogs every week. You basically ruin the responses on Hermione's brunch segment every single week with the exact same crap that you used to post here. So, this is NOT the only place you do it, you've never once stopped doing it, and you've made dozens of contradictory claims about your marital status. So, for the last time, you need to go somewhere else. If Hermione and KD feel like indulging or tolerating your BS, that's up to them. You're not posting here, period.

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    2. Yeah, his new wife is doing a bang-up job on managing his computer time.

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    3. My need, desire, sexual drive, to be spanked is so strong, that no matter what you think, has provided me an outlet. My new wife knows about the computer time, and she reading this, been informed will control my time, she works with computers and therefore I'm screwed, she has the ability to view all my sights.
      So I'm getting the spankings I need and desire, and Thank's to your blog and others prior to marriage have been able to control this desire and not get in trouble. My apartment, alone, reading your blogs, masturbating, if this is wrong, sorry, if having to make up stories to satisfied this urge, sorry. I did it because I could not find a woman, until now who understood and two I will not put a woman in that situation, it is her choice not anyone else.

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    4. Thanks for proving my point, Jack. You seem to think that polluting blogs that people work hard on is fine as long as it meets some need of YOURS. So, in your narcissistic mind, as long as my work provided you with an outlet, I should just take it as good.

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    5. You have provided an outlet, I'm not the only one who has use your blog as an outlet, maybe the only one who has spoken out. I never wanted it to come to this. In this day and age, it is best for one to keep their sexual desires to themselves, to find ways to deal with, the world is so much better. So I never ever meant to pollute your blog. If so I'm sorry. This will be the last posting, and once again Thank-You.

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    6. Yeah, I seem to recall another time you said it would be your last posting. Two days later you showed up using a new Google profile.

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    7. "Jack" really should talk to a therapist. He has a overwhelming need he is not meeting -and one that he could meet in ways much more fulfilling than this random attack on targets of opportunity that he has adopted. There is a cornucopia of competent, often caring, and accessible "pros" that could help him at least focus more -and there seems to be an increasing number of non pro women open to DD. If he likes to write he might try fiction, even publishing some which is very easy today via kindle and similar platforms. Good luck to you "Jack" and work hard at keeping your promise not to "pollute" innocent blogs.
      Alan

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  7. This is really a thought provoking question. Basically I echo TB's comments which he expresses very well (all six of his points resonate strongly with me. In addition DD releases an energy in me that makes me more assertive and confident in my professional life. – Being under her discipline, having boundaries and real consequences releases a lot of inhibition in me. Discipline sets me free in many ways by knowing that she can and will take my pants down and spank me if I go too far off the rails. That empowers me to get on those rails in the first place
    Alan

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    1. I think I kind of get this, though I need to think about it more. I have always known that part of the attraction to DD and FLR for me are around letting someone take control, because exercising control over everything all the time can be oppressive. All that self-monitoring and constantly reining yourself in. I can see how putting someone else in charge of enforcement might help channel the energy that was going into all that self-control and self-censorship into more assertive or action-oriented behavior in the areas that are within the boundaries.

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  8. Spillover. Well, if carryover is included, then of course having allowed others into the circle has a pretty direct effect. However, the topic seems to be more about how DD influences other, more vanilla aspects of day-to-day life, and in that regard I'd have to say....no spillover for me. I can't think of anything other than a direct order to behave a certain way for some event that had any influence ....whether inhibiting or freeing.....on my overall personality in public or at work. (I do think Rosa would say there's been some added confidence for her, though.)

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  9. I am one of your lurkers, hoping but not really expecting to get my wife to take on an FLR role. If it makes you feel better Dan, the bogus entries, fantasies and other similar postings stick out like a sore thumb or more like a red tail. They may be fooling themselves but they are not fooling any of the serious readers. Good job on the blog.

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  10. I’m not a “genuine” practitioner of DD, as it’s more a realistic scene with us, but in terms of my life it’s really healed some hurts to feel the genuine power and control of spanking my husband. I also used to be terrified of switching, but have seen that absolutely dissipate and now I enjoy both roles equally.

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    1. Hey there, Julie! Honestly, while DD seems mostly to start with a desire on the husband's part to be held accountable or to let go of control, I am more and more convinced that the wives get more out of it over time. Even if the man's behavior doesn't change at all. Exercising power and control makes one *feel* powerful, right? And, feeling powerful feels good!

      Though, while I say that, I have no desire at all to switch and be a "Top." I have no idea why it would be the case, but it just repels me thinking about exercising power over someone else, particularly a woman. Maybe it's my "southern gentleman" upbringing. :-)

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    2. Dan
      I hear what you are saying and that's pretty much how I feel NOW. But back in the bad old days ( before I received my first real disciplinary spanking)being with a women you care for who passionately wants a spanking ( and who is also very desirable) makes it all seem different. I don't think I could ever return to that mind -set.But in the day, it seemed very much the thing to do . I might add I believe quite a few people ( both males and females) have gone through these transformations --as the wonderful Julie demonstrates on her equally wonderful blog.
      Alan

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    3. Hi Alan. You're right, it's certainly possible that in a different context--one where my wife wanted to be a spankee--I could get my head around doing the spanking. Right now, it is pretty hard for me to imagine. But, never say never

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    4. Dan
      I agree with you. I have the same feelings as you. I couldn’t hit a woman either. Only by worshiping a woman do I feel natural.
        Perhaps these are the genes of our closest ancestors, Bonobo is obliged? They live in matriarchy, and there is some likelihood that before the Neolithic revolution, we also lived so much of our history.
        Who knows, these are just abstract sentences. However, I really feel that any rudeness towards a woman is unnatural for me.

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    5. I lightly hand-spank my wife (bare, OTK) as foreplay, and she paddles me hard (clothed, over the desk) for discipline. We find it quite natural. It works for us!
      Arthur

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    6. It's hard to say. Our genes are equally close to those of chimps, and they can be truly murderous beasts. Maybe we humans incorporate the best and worst of both those genetic cousins

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    7. Dan

      Yes, it’s also interesting that Bonobos are even more genetically more like ordinary chimpanzees than they are like humans. However, their social hierarchies are still completely opposite. I think this is another confirmation that socialization plays a major role, not biology.

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    8. I hadn't thought about the possibility that socialization could make a difference between them. Interesting concept.

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  11. We started our DD with fines for me swearing in front of the kids and a few other behaviors.

    That has morphed into a full FLR with corporal punishment. That's spillover. It's like once she knew I seriously wanted her in control, she took the ball (my balls) and ran with it (them).
    Anton

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  12. In my case, although I continue to be the HOH, I have become much more understanding of my wife's needs and support them to the extent I can. I also am more considerate of others as well. I asked for DD from my wife to correct behaviors that I realized were obviously making her unhappy. I've corrected about 90 % and the good behavior has become a habit almost. On the one or two I still screw up, my wife's paddle reminds me I better think before doing, and I do, at least for the next few months. I've also improved my health by less drinking, more exercise, and better eating habits (not rules, but something I just want to do so I stay healthy so my wife doesn't have the burden of my death - but came about because my thinking changed because DD made me more understanding through good communications of my wife's wants and needs. Even though I continue to make the big decisions, I still consult my wife first and get her take, and my wife is still comfortable paddling me when I need it, and our marriage is better for it. I wish I had proposed DD to my wife when we first got married because it helps couples understand each other better and both work to eliminate issues that could otherwise cause a marriage breakup.

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    1. Unfortunately, when we first got married, I had no idea that anything like DD even existed. So, we were 10 years into marriage before exploring it. Though, honestly, I don't know whether I would have been open to it myself when we first got married. I'm not saying I wouldn't, but I really have no way of knowing.

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  13. At my job, I'm mostly responsible for supervising the day-to-day operations. If something needs addressing, usually it's me who addresses it. At my job, I was always at least assertive if not bossy or even bitchy at times when I had to be. When I'm on the job, if there's something I don't like, there are consequences I like being assertive or even bossy.

    What I never could understand is why I couldn't be that way in the rest of my life. I was even mousy when it came to relationships. Once I found out I didn't have to be mousy in a relationship thanks to becoming a Disciplinarian, I became more assertive in other things, too.

    If the waiter doesn't bring me what I ordered, I say something. I'm not obnoxious when I do it, but I make it clear that I want what I ordered and make it clear in a polite and businesslike, but firm way.

    If the car wash didn't clean everything or it missed a spot, now I tell somebody there about it. I tell them politely, but firmly.

    If my Uber car is dirty, now I cancel it and order another one. I tell the driver firmly and politely I won't be riding with him. I send a message to Uber and tell them in a businesslike tone that the car was dirty and I don't want to pay to ride in a dirty car. I used to just take it.

    If the Uber driver is taking a strange route, now I say something. I used to let them drive me all over the town, but no more (Husband says it's because they don't know where they're going, which is why he prefers real cabs). I make sure when I speak up that I'm courteous, but, I do firmly let the driver know that I take a trip all the time and this isn't how I usually go.

    If the clerk tries to give me an item in a shopworn box, I now firmly and politely ask for one in a box in better condition. I used to suffer the shopworn box in silence.

    Becoming a Disciplinarian taught me I don't have to suffer sub-standard treatment in silence.

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    1. Be careful. You know Uber profiles passengers based on their "pain in the ass" factor. :-)

      I do think when you become more assertive in one area of your life, it can spill over into others. And, while I'm not a great practitioner of this myself, I do see a pattern that my friends who ask for what they want or what they think they deserve tend to get it.

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  14. Cecilia,
    This is inspirational. You are a role model for any women assuming disciplinary responsibility for husband or boyfriend.In my experience taking charge at home does tend to make one more assertive in other areas of the relationship beyond discipline. But it sounds like you have successfully extended your assertiveness and confidence well beyond that to the larger world and done it without becoming obnoxious or overbearing - but simply demanding reasonable treatment and responsiveness.This should be one of the perks a women gets for assuming the disciplinarian role at home. I am not sure that always happens but you seem to be demonstrating that it can.Kudos to you.
    Alan.

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  15. Joe2 here,

    My spill over is a little different than others. I get spanked to relieve stress. My job has hard deadlines and very strict processes- you cannot do "D" until "C" has been done. "C" cannot be completed until you have the correct material.

    Before my wife spanked me, I when I was under too much stress (You are playing whack a mole, when you should be figuring out how to blow up the whole tunnel complex.), I felt like I was in a rip tide off the beach. People could see me, but they did not know I was in trouble and I did not know how to attract their attention and still keep my head above water.

    Now when the stress occurs, I feel like I am in a pool with a lifeguard watching me. Knowing this, I can delay my feelings of inadequacies and plan a spanking. This gives me the ability to handle more stress than otherwise.

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  16. "You are playing whack a mole, when you should be figuring out how to blow up the whole tunnel complex." I like that!

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  17. I am mostly a lurker here but I enjoy most of the post and real life experiences and opinions of the participants. Most especially the women contributors. The most recent post by Cecilia was EXCELLENT! Wish every woman could read it. A lot of really worthwhile insight.

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