Saturday, October 7, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 224 - Expectation Setting

"When is the last time you did something for the first time?" - Unknown

Hi all. Welcome back to The Forum.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.  I hope  you had a good week.
Mine was, again, more than a little exhausting.  Work is just insanely busy, and I feel like between that and some personal issues I had been forced to deal with unexpectedly, it has been one of the more challenging periods I've had in a long time.  But, I'm finally seeing a little bit of light at the end of that tunnel.

I try to find quotes to post at the top of these entries that somehow tie into the weekly topic.  Sometimes I fail and just use something inspiring about female poewr, and sometimes I come across a quote that I like and decide to use it regardless of topic fit.  This week, it kind of accidentally fits the topic.  It is from a post to another group by a new electronic friend of mine.  Every once in awhile one of those memes get under my skin, and this one kind of did.  I travel a lot for work and have a job that isn't exactly like working on a factory floor making widgets all day, so if I set the bar low enough, it is true that I do lots of little things for the "first time."  But many of those experiences are work oriented or are small variations on things I've done before.  Her meme really did stump me when it came to identifying anything really significant or meaningful that I have done recently for the first time.  They say the only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth, and I need to make more of a conscious effort to have more "first time" experiences.

The quote did end up relating a little to this week's topic.  DD was something that I tried for the "first time" many years ago, and it became a major part of our relationship.  For all of us, there was "first time" for this thing all of us here do or are interested in.  This week's topic isn't about that "first time" itself, but more about how the expectations were set for what it would be like or what the couple wanted out of it. There is a poll posted on the right-hand side of the blog regarding contracts.  We have talked about them before and whether people have some kind of formalized DD agreement.  I'll probably do a specific topic on that in the coming weeks, but this week I'll cast a little broader net and characterize the issue as "expectation setting."   Domestic Discipline is, at least in my mind, really at its core about rules and consequences.  Or at least about consequences for bad behavior.  That is really what separates it from BDSM and Dominance/submission.  The focus is on correcting behavior and/or a price being paid for bad behaviors in order to deter them from happening again, make the offending party pay some actual penance, or give the other party a way to express their dissatisfaction in very concrete terms. 

I'm guessing that the content of the rules we end up subjected to, and that will get some of us spanked, have a high degree of similarity.  Disrespect.  Engaging in dangerous or self-destructive behavior.  Slacking on household chores, etc.  While the content of our rules probably overlap a lot, however, I suspect there is a fair amount of diversity in how they were arrived at.  How did it work for you?  Was there some kind of formal discussion between the two of you about what the rules would be?  About what the punishment(s) would be for violating each rule?  Was there a formal sit-down meeting to discuss and agree to those rules?  And, not just about the rules, but what the expectations would be going forward for the disciplined party and for the Disciplinarian? Or, were the expectations simply imposed, or perhaps worked out informally over time?  Did some kind of contract or formal agreement result?  Please tell us about how your particular expectation-setting process worked.

For fun, I also invite each of you to respond to the question posed at the top of this post.  

I hope you all have a great week.



19 comments:

  1. Once we agreed to live a true and formal DD lifestyle as a couple, we decided to meet a few days later to discuss what our house rules should be. Since I made the offer, and because Rosa accepted eagerly, we both knew we probably had ideas of our own concerning behavior. And so we thought things over and then met and threw out our various ideas. Like you said, the nature of our rules quickly followed a pretty predictable pattern with a few specific 'pet peeves' of Rosa's tossed in. And things like being patient and respectful were main principles we both brought to the table......which made it very easy for Rosa to be firm about them.

    And while it was understood that spankings would be the default punishment for infractions, we also agreed that Rosa need not feel limited to them alone.

    But as I have stated many times in the past, because we both wanted DD to act as an eraser of annoyance and guilt, we formally agreed and promised each other that whatever punishment was decreed for an instance, the actual 'end' of the spanking would not occur until each of us felt that 'clean slate' feeling. If Rosa said beforehand that I was going to get 200 smacks and upon reaching that mark still didn't feel it was enough, she had the option to keep going.....or to take a break with the understanding that another spanking was coming later on. The same was true for me. If after Rosa said she was done, I still felt terrible over something, all I had to do was admit that and she would add more on. Her add-ons were always her own numbers though and always were more than I would be thinking at the time of asking for more. I think this policy did more for the success of our DD than anything else.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Same with us. In the beginning, my wife was nervous about hurting me too much, so I encouraged her to continue spanking until she felt the offence had been fully dealt with. This has become less necessary in time, as she has grown more confident. If she feels more strokes are necessary, but her arms are getting tired, I encourage her to move to a more stinging implement.

      Delete
  2. Thanks, KD. Ours was a little like what you describe in the last paragraph. We had a list of offenses and a presumptive minimum number of swats for each offense. So, the minimum amount was really just a mathematical exercise of tallying number of offenses times the number of swats per offense. But, it was always agreed that was a minimum -- she was always free to do more. Though, I don't think she has ever given me one that left me wanting to ask, "I don't think I have paid a sufficiently serious price. Please give me more."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hmmm, maybe your Honey is an even more vicious spanker than Rosa? Or I'm a glutton for punishment? ;-)

      Delete
    2. Or the third alternative -- I'm a big wimp!

      Delete
  3. Your first question is a great one Dan and I was also stumped at first.I believe in my case the last time I tried something for the first time wad yoga classes and that was about 5 years ago!
    Way too long so I am going to actively look for another one.
    Thanks for the idea.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, kind of disturbing isn't it? It really pointed out to me just how one-dimensional I am in danger of becoming.

      Delete
  4. We have a framed list of 5 rules she keeps in the closet to produce as a 'reminder' when necessary.
    It was a kind of a pledge from me to her , humorous and serious at the same time:
    1. My Wife is always right
    2.I will not criticize or put down my wife's opinions
    3. I will not place blame on others - especially my wife
    4. I will not interrupt my wife when she is speaking
    5. When in doubt refer to rule # 1.

    In the beginning we had a report card similar to the system you used with a longer list , but found it not all that practical so have parked it .

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Rule #5 is definitely a good one to keep front of mind.

      Delete
    2. It's definitely the tiebreaker for her when doubt is present and ends any debate.

      Delete
  5. Dan
    Before we began DD we spent a weekend alone at a cabin at the lake alone. We discussed rules and punishments etc but by the end of the weekend we agreed or rather he accepted the one rule that I felt was most important. I would determine what and when and how long a session would last. I believe I said it will last until.... if at any point he avoided or cancelled a planned session or claimed he had enough I would stop at once and never lift a paddle, belt or hand again. It has evolved that I expect tears before I stop. It has worked for us.
    Anna

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Anna. You point out what may be a relevant distinction. I think my wife profited, in the beginning, from having some concrete rules and at least a minimum punishment for each. Some wives, like yourself, may not really need that. And, other wives may grow into the ability to go as long and hard as merited. That is really where we are now and have been for many years, but in the beginning some structure helped us while it sounds like you just didn't need it.

      Delete
    2. Dan, I share the view that it helped to have clear rules against which I would be measured and punished - in the beginning. I spent time thinking about, writing and discussing those rules but it was usually one transgression that triggered off a punishment session and that fell broadly under the heading of 'disrespect'.

      So we have moved away from written rules and focus on a regular analysis of how respectful I have been. The heading covers rudeness, arguments, various self indulgent activities as well as moodiness. We generally do a review session at least weekly when I am expected to listen to her review of my behaviour (whilst in position) and confess to / agree with the analysis.

      And of course any particularly bad behaviour is often dealt with whenever she a) calms down and b) has the opportunity. We both now know almost exactly when I need to be corrected and in a recent development she has asked that I inform her when I feel my behaviour deserves a spanking on the basis that 'I should know'

      I have not yet had the courage to do so but she seems to enjoy the dilemma the question has placed me in and punishments have not stopped in the meantime. TB

      Delete
    3. Hi TB. I can relate to all this, though we don't have a system in place for me asking to be spanked or suggesting she should. I do have to self-report things, but not actually suggest what should happen. She seems to see that as undermining her authority, though we have not talked about it expressly in quite some time.

      Delete
    4. Dan
      Just because a husband asks that he needs or more to the point deserves a spanking does not mean that the wife can say NO !

      anna

      Delete
    5. Dan
      Should read " DOESNT MEAN THE WIFE CAN'T SAY NO!"
      sorry its early ...anna

      Delete
    6. Not enough coffee, yet? I know the feeling. :-)

      I agree, but she has her perspective.

      Delete
  6. No, no discussion like that with us. We just agreed she would do it as many times and as often as she felt necessary, as it is good for me to be in touch with what irritates her and avoid it accordingly, rather than deliberately doing something not on the list. As a responsible adult, it is good for me to think independently about what I should and shouldn't be doing and if I suffer from errors regarding such judgement, my wife spanks me accordingly.

    ReplyDelete

Your comment will posted if/when approved by the moderator. This blog is a curated resource for those genuinely and positively interested in DD and FLR lifestyles. Comments that are rude, uncivil, inconsistent with the blog's theme or off-topic may not be posted or may be removed.