Friday, March 31, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 200 - Humbling & Controlling

Women speak two languages — one of which is verbal. ~William Shakespeare

Hello all.  Welcome back to The Forum - our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, a Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationship.  I'm posting a little early because I am going to be tied up with other things tomorrow.

I hope you all had a good week. At least mine was not a repeat of the preceding one.  Work was still a little crazy and, as predicted, there was too much family stuff going on for my wife to take care of my infractions from the previous week--which I soooooooo richly deserve to happen--but I managed to avoid repeating, or bettering, the crescendo of self-destructive behavior that occurred this time last week.  So, I guess from time to time I am actually capable of getting myself in check even without her paddle doing it for me.  Though, it did solidify my belief that we really need to continually work on ways to reinforce her status and authority, while holding me more strictly accountable.  

In that vein, last week I included a link to a blog posting by J. Girl in which she talks about what she believes to be three phases of a Dominant/submissive relationship.  While I realize many of this blog's readers don't consider themselves to be in such relationships and are comfortable with Domestic Discipline all by itself, I think her discussion of what she calls Stage 2 has implications for everyone who is in a genuine disciplinary relationship, i.e. one that isn't just fun and games, whether domestic discipline or some more rigorous power exchange.  She labeled this the "Make or Break" stage.  I might also call it "accepting reality" or "surrendering."  For her, it was that stage when she came to grips with the fact she really did not like to be punished.   She talked to a friend who knew about her D/s dynamic, and who observed something to the effect of, “Of course not.  You’re not supposed to like it.  You’re being punished.”  That’s so simple, right? But, also profound and instructive.  If the punishment is real, then I am not supposed to want it.  Instead, I need to have a healthy fear of not playing by the rules we have agreed to.  I have to be genuinely afraid of consequences. I need to dislike where she is taking me but accept that it is for my own good.

What I have really been struggling with -- surprisingly so, given how long we have been at this -- is acknowledging that the reason I engage in the same behaviors over and over again is because deep down inside, I like them.  But, they are bad for me.  I have too many weeks like last week. Maybe not on that scale, but it's all just a matter of degree.  Because living that way ultimately is destructive, she gets to step in and put a stop to it.  By whatever means necessary.  And, at the time, I really dislike it.  I actively resent not being able to do what I want to do.  But, that is how real discipline is supposed to work, right?  When we were spanked or grounded as kids, we didn't like or accept that someone else got to call the shots and impose consequences when we didn't follow the rules.  But, the rules -- and the consequences for breaking them -- existed to protect us, to keep us from doing harmful things to ourselves or others, and to keep us on the straight and narrow.  So, while I really struggle to accept it when she tells me, "This week you will not . . ." it is part of a process that I know is good for me in the end. Even if it is a little like skipping the plate of brownies at work and going for a run. Or, like being sent to the principal's office for a paddling you dreaded but deep down inside knew you deserved.

Now, in order to make any kind of longer term improvement a reality, I get that I need to be humbled. And she needs to be elevated.  That's the only way it will work. I am too headstrong in my current state to really comply fully and cooperatively.  She also is still developing her Power, her Voice, her Authority.  Something that we have not really explored as a couple to accomplish those things is non-verbal communication, other than the obvious - her paddling my ass long and hard when I screw up. I am talking about more subtle communications of power, on the one hand, and submission or surrender to authority on the other. There is a lot of solid research out there showing that how we carry ourselves deeply impacts how much confidence we feel.  

Confident people take up space, and do things like putting their feet up on the desk or meeting room table:


 Their posture or demeanor says, in subtle or not so subtle ways, "I am in charge."
"And you are not."


Conversely, we can adopt postures -- voluntarily or otherwise -- that emphasize that we are not the one in control.



That we recognize and, at least in that moment, accept our own place in the hierarchy. And hers as well.


With that long-winded but hopefully visually inviting introduction, I want to open up the floor to talk about . . . kneeling on it.   Kneeling, sitting at her feet, standing with hands at your sides or behind your back while she scolds or makes you await a spanking.  Positions or postures that you are required to adopt, or that you have undertaken of your own accord, to help humble you or put you in your place.  On the other end of the paddle, are there positions she adopts to show her authority or control over you?

I hope you have a great week. If you are new to this Forum, please take a moment to drop by the Guestbook (tab above) and tell us all a little about yourself and your DD relationship or aspirations.

28 comments:

  1. First off, Dan, congratulations and thanks on 200 posts! That's a huge amount of work. You can be sure it's paid off for many many couples (including my wife and I) incorporating DD into their relationships. And it's always a smart, hot, fun read. Please do celebrate by doing something special for your wife - and I hopes she gives you something special (200 painful strokes?) in return.

    As far as my wife 'putting me in my place'... There's one idea we haven't really tried out yet, but I'm certain it's coming soon: enforced silence. Femdom Think Tank recently had a post on that idea, and when I saw it, I sent it right to my wife, who was on a train at the time. She loved it, and said it made her laugh out loud. http://femdomthinktank.blogspot.com/2017/03/the-power-of-silence.html

    Honestly, there are many times when she wants met to share a little less; or not obsess over some topic; or just be quiet for a few minutes, particularly, but certainly not exclusively, regarding my sexual thoughts about us. While not as painful as a spanking, I'm pretty sure being commanded not to speak will be get challenging very quickly.
    CrimsonKing

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    1. Hi CrimsonKing. Thanks for the congratulations on 200 posts. It is something of a milestone. The hard part about 200 posts is coming up with anything that hasn't already been discussed to death. Hopefully you all will keep helping me out with that.

      It's interesting that your wife would like you to be more silent, while most of us get grief for not being more communicative. Just goes to show, you can't win. :-)

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    2. CrimsonKing, thanks for the topic ideas! I will work those in.

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  2. It all very much depends on the seriousness of the offense that earned me some sort of punishment. A simple misdemeanor is treated with a firm spanking -whether from her own hand, her hairbrush or the kitchen spoon - or with a dose of the martinet- but major breaches are sanctioned with the use of the strap, the rattan cane, the switch, the riding crop &c. (any of which leaves marks that last for several days)

    L.

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    1. Hi L. I assume this was meant for last week's post?

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  3. I schedule weekly behaviour check ins with my husband. He knows to place his behaviour journal and the tawse on a table beside my armchair and to strip down to his chastity device and stand facing the wall until I enter the room and sit in the chair and review his journal. I then tell him to come and stand before me hands on head while I lecture him. When I pick up the tawse he knows to bend over and take his discipline and then to return to the wall.
    I leave him facing the wall for at least 20 minutes then I order him to kneel with hands on head and apologise and thank me for disciplining him and then I present my buttocks to be kissed. I then direct him to stand and bend over for a final swat with the tawse before allowing him to get dressed.

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    1. Hi Blaze. Definitely a lot of enforced humbling going on there. Thanks for sharing.

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  4. Dan,
    Good topic and one I want to think more about Non verbal communications are probably the main way she exerts her authority other than administering corporal punishment and of course scolding. Some of the things she does include forcing eye contact when we are out socially silently warning me off forbidden behavior. Also when she takes down my pants I am supposed to fold my hands over my head immediately and show no resistance. If I am ordered to take them down myself I am supposed to stand to attention as soon as they are around my ankles.Also non verbal is the way she puts her hands on her hips when scolding and grabs me by the ear or hair ( hate that) to drag me to the spanking room.Pointing to the corner either before or sometimes after a spanking is all non verbal and especially powerful for me are the hand spanks she delivers while I am being led to a spanking or while in the corner. These hand spanks have always puzzled me because I imagine as most guys an actual OTK hand spanking can only be erotic. OTK she needs a brush or paddle to make it punishment. But I do experience the hand spanks particularly in the corner as disciplinary and they do a lot to put me under control. One thing she doesn't want is for me to ever kneel in front of her ( although I sometimes do corner time on my knees) In none of these things do I ever feel demeaned or disrespected but only that she is exercising her authority which we both want and both benefit from greatly
    Alan
    PS - notice the number of comments going down and wonder if its not the moderator controls PLUS the google robo screens that seem to be more than necessary and possibly discouraging to some. Could be just me but thought I would mention it.

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  5. Hi Alan. You're right that the number of comments have been going down, though it may have as much to do with Spring Break vacations as moderator controls and screening, as it seemed to be coming down even before I turned the moderator controls back on.

    Honestly, I have mixed feelings about it. We seem to have lost a couple of regulars (Anna and Peter), and I don't know whether they were offended at something, or are on vacation, or having some kind of personal difficulties. It is a reminder to me that as much as anonymous electronic relationships sometimes seem like a substitute for the real thing, they really aren't, because you really have no way of knowing what is going on in the other person's "real" life. But, whatever the cause of their silence, it does bother me when we lose people who was really contributing to the conversation. But, that may be just the way it is with blogs. When I go back and look at the first year of postings to this blog, very few of the people who were commenting back then still are now.

    On the other hand, in the last year or so the daily readership on the blog has probably doubled, but I can't say that the number of real contributors -- people who actually leave on-point comments on a regular basis -- has really increased much at all, let alone in linear fashion. At the same time, the number of troll comments I have to delete, and the silly, repetitive "My mother-in-law spanked me and my bottom stung and then I faced the wall and her girlfriends saw me . . ." drivel seems to increase at least as much as the number of real contributors. Frankly, in my real life I've always been one of those guys who, when I go to a big party, tends to find a quiet corner in which to talk to two or three close friends. I prefer having a high-quality conversation with people like yourself and our "regulars" to wading through 70 or so comments that do little or nothing to advance the conversation or genuinely explore the ups and downs, challenges and triumphs of these DD and FLR lifestyles that some are genuinely practicing or attracted to. So, while participation down, I'm not going to sweat it too much. Though, I do agree that Google's robo screens are a total pain in the ass.

    Honestly, my biggest concern for the blog, the participants and myself is just burn-out. Does there come some point where everything to say about this topic has been said and when every topic seems old even if I rotate them through only every year or so.

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    1. I'm not sure why but my blog....which only gets about 1/3 of the comments you get (or less) has been getting fewer comments from trusted regulars as well. It is a phenomenon that frustrates due to exactly what you said: there's no way of knowing WHY.

      Take heart. You have a great resource here that people can actually use to help them better their own relationship.

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  6. OK as to the question at hand.....we have a very simple routine thing we do on weekends that occurs through either one of us initiating it: After I make Rosa her beloved coffee and bring it to her in bed, she will sip it as she goes through her electronic news and messages while lay next to her in the opposite direction and kiss and snuggle with her feet.

    The thing that is interesting about this simple act is how differently it is taken or even feels for me on any given morning. Sometimes it's just a nice way to relax humbly "at her feet", while other times it will prompt her to be more playful and sort of tease and mush my face with her toes while I'm kissing them. Other times, she may even reach over and tease my privates...........which may lead to more or just serve as its own thing. And amid these various activities the moods evked change as well from mere contentment to a crazed passionate devotion.

    The only other "posture thing" that Rosa does that I hate but do anyway because she seems to get off on it, is that at times when she is talking to me about something and I'm in one of my impatient 'got-to-get-things-done' moods, she will INSIST that I stand motionless in front of her and look at her as she addresses me..... rather than talking to me as I scurry about doing various things. I understand why she likes it, but boy do I hate when she does that! It does send a clear message though.

    I can't say we have any posture for punishment though...........unless you consider face down over a lap a 'posture'? ;-)

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    1. I said in the post that my wife hasn't done much along the lines of making me adopt a submissive posture, but your post reminds me that is not entirely true. She has done something similar to what you describe re: making you stand motionless. I describe myself as a consummate multi-tasker. Others probably describe it less charitably as adult ADD or just a woefully short attention span. In any case, she has from time to time given me a stern, "Stand still and look at me!" command when my attention has wandered as she was trying to say something she saw as important.

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    2. Yep! That's EXACTLY what Rosa does and says! (I think I'm afflicted with the same ADD............but boy does it help me get a lot done!)

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    3. Exactly. I'm never going to apologize for being efficient!

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  7. Joe2 here,

    Submissive gestures are very very important to me. I do not live in a FLR, so it is important to me to be in a submissive mind set when I get spanked or I do not obtain the full benefit of the spanking.

    We have kids, so spankings have to be planned. This helps, because it helps me to be mentally prepared.

    I am always in pajamas, because after the spanking, I will go to sleep in a pool of comforting endorphins being held by my wonderful wife. Also being in pajamas sets the stage of who is in charge.

    Before the spanking, I spend a few minutes alone, thinking of why I am there, what is going to happen and putting myself into a submissive mindset.

    When my wife comes into the room, I am very careful to not look into her eyes, I speak in a very respectful and soft voice. She always asks me why we are there and I always tell her that no matter what happens, she is in charge and I will never complain. Immediately before the spanking, I either chastely kiss her on the cheek or she kisses me on the forehead. After it is over, I always tell her thank you, I love her, and she comforts me.

    All of these elements, give me full benefit of the spanking. In a manner that neither of us expected, it has caused us to have a closer bond than we had before.

    When we first started, she was very uncomfortable being in control. One night, she told me that she wanted to try it in a matter fact manner- like getting a shot in the doctor's office- "get on the bed, "wack, wack, wack...." It was very unsatisfying. First, it was very clinical- I did not feel a connection with my wife. Second, my brain was not in a submissive mood, so I wanted to rebel- It hurt and I naturally wanted it to stop. I had to get myself in a submissive mood while I was receiving pain- I did it, but it was by sheer force of will. It took probably an extra minute of time to get into subspace; which means that we basically wasted two minutes of my wife's effort. Lastly, the aftercare did not reach the normal level of comfort that I crave. We almost always discuss the spanking later, kind of like an "after action report." Surprisingly, my wife was the one that first stated that she did not like the clinical approach. She felt no connection (in her own words she felt like a sex-worker) and as the spanking went on she got resentful and wanted it to end with every strike. She agreed that she needs for me to actively act submissive, for her to act dominant.

    One thing that my wife now does that started accidentally is that when she is striking me she places her finger tips on my lower back. We do not have spankings over the knee, because she does not have the strength to cause a serious burn in that position. I am almost always laying on the bed. One night she couldn't get her aim right, so she lightly placed her finger tips on my lower back, which helped her accurately place each strike. When she did that, I immediately became more submissive. Her touch was light, but mentally it was as if she had physically tied me to the bed posts. Later, I told her how effective her touch was and she has continued since.

    Lastly, during aftercare, if I do not fall asleep quickly, she will firmly (not harshly) use her fingernails to scratch my bottom (which of course really hurts) and tells me that she loves me and only wants the best for me. When this happens, I get another shot of endorphins.

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    1. Hi Joe2. We have a similar "after action report" discussion, in which we check in regarding how both of us feel about what happened.

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  8. Joe2 here,

    I think that talking about the whole process is very important.. There is no outside feed back loop, no "app for that," nor are we going to discuss it amongst friends and family. Additionally, each one of us is different. I will give you an example.

    There was a period where my wife was becoming more controlling and domineering during the spanking. She was not disrespectful- but she was getting close. I said nothing for about the first three or four times, but it was getting worse. I finally brought it up and I found out that she had read on some blogs that this is what she should do, so she was slowly ramping it up. I don't want nipple clamps and a lady in a corset. What I want is the person that I love unwinding the spring that life has gotten too tight.

    As I mentioned earlier, she places her finger tips on my back to help her aim accurately, but it also helps me get to where we want to be. Without talking about what has happened, we might have missed a wonderful technique.

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    1. Well, you do talk about it weekly among your electronic "friends and family" here!

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  9. You say this in jest, but you are correct. You are my electronic friends and family. But unless you live in DC, San Diego, Baltimore, or Chicago we shall never meet. Having said that, you have a blog like no other. You give a question and we answer. We answer because you set up a dialog that helps us brag, let each other know that we are not alone, help each other, and provide reflection.

    This is the only blog that my wife my wife feels comfortable with me making comments. This was not the case in the beginning. While we do not live a FLR, I gave her control over this aspect of my life. Her concern was that I was going to not be the person that she married. I actually had to force her to read your blog from then to now. Even after that, she still spent a week reflecting and then she told me to go ahead.

    You provide a very unique forum. Thank you

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    1. Hi Joe2. That is very gratifying to hear. I hope she enjoyed what she found here.

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  10. Some degree of "humbling" is inherent to any form of "disciplinary" action - whether in the form of scolding, or of an actual punishment. Being ordered to fetch the appropriate "tool", to lower my pants, to assume the required position (or to be ordered to wait for my punishment) all involve a measure of humiliation - as does, of course, the actual chastising (and the yelping, 'dancing' and begging it triggers!). And what to say about the aftermath!... Kneeling at her feet, thanking her for the punishment, being assigned some "corner time" only add to the "humbling" - not to mention the occasions when I am disciplined under the eyes of one of her friends, in a location (such as a hotel room) where we can be overheard - or, once in a while, when we get together with her sister, the two of them take turns at bruising my derrière!
    L.

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  11. We're still surrounded by boxes,but I can see the light at the end.

    I don't have Shilo take a submissive posture with me anymore. Maybe we will get back to that.

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    1. Hate that stage of a move. And it seems to be semi-perpetual.

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  12. I have been away with work all week, very busy. It is a quiet Saturday morning and I have been instructed to 'amuse myself' for 10 minutes whilst she attends to some house chores. After which she will instruct me in a cheerful way to come to the bedroom for a 'control & rest' session. Sitting here at my PC I feel her invisible power like a loving cloak, knowing what is likely in store for me, knowing I probably deserve & will benefit from it but still feeling nervous, concerned and excited?. This is what we want after all but I know the actual session will be very uncomfortable, humbling, embarrassing and painful. TB

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    1. Hi TB. You're going to have to explain to me the nature of a "control and rest" session.

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    2. A typo I'm afraid - nerves maybe? Should read Control & reset' which simply means she re-asserts her control by making all the usual demands which will (and did) result in me pants down, over the bed getting my lecture. Followed by the reset which this time consisted of her getting some practice with her new, short, very lady-like synthetic cane. Very effective followed by her old favourite London Tanner Irish Strap. A weapon which has my absolute respect. Needless to say I am both under control and reset. For now. TB

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  13. My wife doesn't tend to make me adopt these postures during spanking, as humiliation is not the purpose (clearing the air is). I only tend to be bent slightly when leaning against the bed. Prior to and after pulling my pants down, I tend to be embracing her and hugging her tightly, expressing my dominance. I express it afterwards by doing it in the missionary position.

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