Tuesday, December 27, 2016

The Forum - Vol. 186 - Chastity

Hi all.  I hope you had a great Christmas holiday, at least for those of you who celebrate it.  Ours was a little hectic trying to work in so much with friends and family.  But, it's all good.  I'm now trying really hard not to do much resembling real work.  It hasn't been an entirely successful effort, but I will keep trying.

We had another poll close recently.  It asked, "Does your DD or FLR relationship include enforced chastity or orgasm denial?"  Here are the results:
 
Yes
            47 (52%)
No
            42 (47%)



As I believe Alan pointed out, the question was a little vague regarding whether just being told not to have an orgasm constitutes it being "enforced," and I followed up that for purposes of this poll it should be.  Hopefully the above "yes" votes include most situations in which a Disciplinary Wife or HoH dictates to her husband when or under what conditions he is allowed to have an orgasm, regardless of whether she takes other steps like a chastity device. 

As when I first raised this topic about two years ago, it is one I am going to have to throw to the group and hope they drive the conversation.  Chastity, enforced or otherwise, is not part of our relationship and it's something neither of us have had any real interest in pursuing.  If anything, we're frustrated at how often work and other commitments and the general busyness of life prevent us from having sex more often.  She has also never voiced any concern over any "solo" activity.  So, the first time I raised this topic I had absolutely no interest in it, but recognized that others did.  In fact, according to the above poll, slightly more than half of those who responded are practicing chastity or orgasm denial in some form or other.

I still have no actual experience regarding this topic, but I have been more open to it recently.  Part of the change in attitude is linked to our conscious effort to move our relationship further toward the FLR end of the spectrum as opposed to DD only.  If she had an interest in imposing chastity on me, I would try to comply.  I also just try to keep an open mind about things that may not appeal to me initially but that seem to do something for other people.   In fact, I could characterize the whole service aspect of FLR in that way -- it isn't something that comes naturally to me or that I enjoy per se, but I do see certain benefits to it.  Also with respect to chastity in particular, I have explored some books on Tantra, and orgasm denial or "semen retention" is recommended by some Tantra practitioners.  So, a few months ago I gave it a try in a very limited way, denying myself any kind of solo sexual activity.  The results were mixed.  I did feel an initial increase in my level of sexual or erotic energy, but that seemed to taper off pretty quickly.  But, it was a very limited experiment and I don't draw any real conclusions from it.

So, let's explore it a bit more.  Is enforced chastity or orgasm denial part of your relationship?  If so,  how does it work?  What do you and your partner get out of it?  If it's not currently part of your relationship, would you like it to be?  If so, why?  If it is part of your relationship, which of you asked for or imposed it.

I have also posted a couple of new polls, both going to my never-ending fascination with how we came to be interested in these kind of relationships.  These two try to get at whether our need today for rules and structures relates to the extent to which we had those when we were kids.  We'll make that the topic of a future discussion once the polls close.

I hope you all have a great New Years!  Be safe out there!

Dan



24 comments:

  1. Shawn, Susan my wife will refuse sexual contact if I've been spanked. Spankings and sex do not mix. So in times like this I soon find myself pleading and begging, sometimes it works other no, it is fifty-fifty. What I did learn was masturbating in those times have led to my punishment. I was being good not getting caught, Susan shopping or out of house. Well she caught me, in the bathroom looking at F/m pictures. I was not done and she sternly told me to undress, pick up the magazine and was taken to the front room. She got a towel and layed it on the floor and before her, magazine layed out I had to masturbate. When done, I cleaned myself up and the spanking that followed was the worse and the time between sex was very long and boy I was hurting really bad when she finally allowed it. I get hard when going to get a spanking and prior times it would go away during the spanking, now I masturbate at her directions, can be the front room, sitting in the tub, sitting on the toilet, and only once was I taken outside, night time and masturbated. The spankings that follow hurt from the beginning, they really warm my bottom and stinging. I dance around trying to ease the pain only to spend more time facing the wall, no rubbing.

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    1. I'm pretty careful when masturbating, and my Wife really doesn't seem to mind either though. But She has caught me some. I'd die if She made me kneel over a towel and "finish" myself, lol!

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  2. When I was being dominated online by a woman from another city she immediately forbid me to "wank" without her permission. There is no question that this increased my submissiveness. She asked me what my limit was for length of time that I would be willing to go and it was a week. She didn't violate this limit.

    It was difficult to do and I certainly could have cheated but I didn't as I really liked being obedient to her. Without a doubt this enhanced her power and control and brought dominance/submission to a whole new higher level. I would say if a woman wants to enhance her power and control over her man controlling his orgasm will do it.

    I_ObeyHer
    (my FetLife name)

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    1. Thanks, IOH. I used to think that the ability to cheat was a big problem with having a rule against "wanking," but the reality is that many behavior-related rules really work on the honor system.

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  3. My experience is that 'orgasm' and ejaculated are two of different things. We have sex a lot, like most days of the week, and I don't ejaculate but I do orgasm and it leaves me very full of erotic energy. I'll typically ejaculate twice a week to relieve my prostate. I feel like this subject would be less meaningful to couples who practiced taoist techniques of male orgasm. For example, my wife could careless if I masturbate to orgasm because, without ejaculating, my energy is actually increased for her. Hope this helps, sincerely, Bill

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    1. This is getting way down in the weeds, but can you explain the mechanics of how you reach an orgasm without ejaculation?

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    2. Here is a pretty good explanation -- http://www.nateliason.com/multiple-orgasms-men/

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  4. Good topic probably not well understood. We don't practice "chastity" but I am and have been forbidden to masturbate without her explicit permission ( rarely given)and I must ask permission to penetrate her when we have intercourse and to ejaculate ( usually permitted)Any violation of these rules is punishable and many of my early spankings from her dealt with that issue.She shocked me early in our dating when she asked me how often I masturbated and than told me she did not want a boyfriend who masturbates. This was all before she first spanked me.I have come to value her rules about masturbation although originally I did resent them. Some men use masturbation for quick gratification and to avoid intimacy and dependence on a woman and I was certainly one of those.Restricted orgasms also pump up my sexual energy and interest in romance and that has been very good for our relationship. Also she triggered some guilt feelings in me about masturbation I didn't know existed. I had been brought up to believe masturbating was " sinful" and so when she punished me for it it relieved a lot of guilt and opened an intimacy with her. He rules against penetration without permission and ejaculating without permission are things I do to obey her rather than because I believe they are necessary. They have taught me that all sexual pleasure comes from her and that she is in charge both in and outside of the bedroom and that is what they are supposed to do.But I could live without them, something not presently an option
    Alan

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    1. Hi Alan. The hidden guilt feelings are interesting, as is that she imposed the "no masturbation" rule before she had established other things like spankings. Also, during my brief experimentation with restricting orgasms on my own, the pumping up of sexual energy that you described did happen, but it also tapered off fairly quickly. Although, with life being as complicated as it is, I find sexual energy ebbs and flows for all sorts of reasons, including just the extent to which I am tired or distracted by other things.

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  5. We have an agreement that I do not masturbate without her permission (which would only happen with her present and not in the mood for full sex, and happens very rarely). I adhere to the rule mostly as the question is asked when I am face down about to receive punishment for something else. If I have 'given in' at any time since last spanking it is added to the list and the current spanking is increased. She tends to focus on each misdemeanour whilst I am being strapped so that each 'crime' is dealt with. It is an honour system but I have agreed that I will not lie. It is embarrassing to admit to and I was also brought up to believe that it is a sin.

    The major plus side of this agreement is that she is my only release, which means that if I want release (and I do - lots!) then I have to woo her and behave. Her view is that she never does it on her own so me doing it is tantamount to being unfaithful. I have to admit that sometimes the need is so great that I do it anyway - knowing that I will have to admit to it and in what circumstances adds to the guilty pleasure :) TB

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    1. Hi TB. I wonder how many wives who have banned masturbation, like your wife don't do it themselves? It is another reason that I've struggled with the concept -- I not only would not get offended at my wife doing it, I think it is kind of hot.

      I totally get the "guilty pleasure" thing.

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    2. There may be as many woman who abuse masturbation as men who do. The difference is that in our world they get to make the rules and we get to obey them. My wife has a drawer full of vibrators and is very open about using them.But if I "play with myself" ( her favorite putdown for male masturbation) she punishes me. It isn't fair but it works with us
      Ed

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    3. It is absolutely hot when she does it and makes it known to me that she is about to in the shower or just did. It is a great tease to me that she is satisfied and I am not. A particular favourite is watching her do it so I can learn where to touch to get the desired results.

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    4. Ed, thanks. My comment wasn't really directed to whether women "abuse" masturbation as much as men or whether them banning it fair, but was really trying to get at WHY they ban it? Is it because, like TB's wife, they see it as cheating? Or, is it a means of exercising control and showing dominance? Or, something else?

      iruser, totally agree that would be pretty hot, though mine does not tease me in that way.

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    5. Dan,
      Will try to answer the question why just from my experience with two different women. Eventually both banned masturbation but each had a different reason for doing so. With my wife it was about masturbation and her belief males in a relationship should never do it without a woman's knowledge and approval.She doesn't consider it cheating but thinks its selfish and disrespectful. She has no objection to male masturbation itself if the guy is unattached.A lot of this came from bad experiences with men before we met especially her ex husband.With the girlfriend who introduced me to discipline,the masturbation issue evolved much more slowly.In the beginning I would say she wasn't that concerned and went out of the way to let me know she masturbated regularly even naming one of her dildos " Little Alan" But gradually she came to see it as more of a control issue reminding me my penis was her cock and asking me often whether I had played with ( her) cock today.It was probably two years before she told me she wanted to "control" my cock as well as my ass. That was when the masturbation rules ( and consequences) started. She had vey strong feelings bout " limitations" on her authority. So resisting a spanking after orgasm was a limitation on her authority. So was masturbation without getting her permission. So for her banning masturbation was about her authority. But with my wife it was about the integrity of the relationship
      Alan

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  6. Let's be clear. Not every wife in charge forbids her husband to masturbate. I never have and don't see it as a problem. If I thought he was being excessive or irresponsible I would counsel him and than if necessary discipline him. But it would be like any other behavior that gets out of control. In moderation I am fine. I do though very much like being in charge in the bedroom.So yes he definitely asks for permission before coming and doesn't penetrate me until I ask.( and not at all if I don't ask) That is something he doesn't want to get wrong.
    Holly

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    1. Hi Holly! Everything in moderation -- very good policy! Hope you are having a good holiday.

      Dan

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  7. My wife views masturbating as cheating. She has caught me in the past viewing porn and getting off. I understand her point of view and have accepted her wish that I ask permission to orgasm/ejaculate. On several occasions she has suspected I have masturbated and confronts me. I rarely can deny it successfully. My misbehavior results in a well deserved spanking and loss of privileges. My sexual energy increases significantly when I have maintained semen retention and results in my being extremely attentive to her needs and wants that eventually results in our mutual sexual relief.

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  8. Dan
    I feel after any disciplinary action, release is not an option. We have a good strong sex life, so I
    doubt that Peter masturbates that much . I am sure, he does and to be honest it is ok with me.
    I do know Peter is less interested in porn on video or photographs, and is drawn more to written
    erotica. I do know that after a discipline session he likes very much to curl up in my arms as he drifts
    off to sleep.
    Anna

    PS To harken back to the last topic, we are going to a big New Years Eve party. Much champagne
    and other spirits. Know Peter will be attending with a very bruised bottom. WE do want to start the
    New Year right.

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    1. Hi Anna!

      In the past, we usually did not separate discipline from sex, though that has changed a bit since we started using maintenance spankings and mid-week check-ins. And, I have to admit that while I miss the intimacy, it does make the spanking feel even more like a punishment.

      Glad to hear you are starting the New Year right, though I am sorry for Peter's bruised butt. Have fun at your party!

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  9. Sex is very good in our marriage--which is a marriage of nearly 40 yrs. It has nothing to do with my getting paddled which happens occasionally--not often A bare paddling is for really bad stuff on my part-- so I get my bare butt paddled to make up for it---Its not a game or sexual deal---She has just had too much of some of my conduct and it hurts believe me

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  10. My wife and I practice tease and denial. There is rarely a day that goes by where we don't engage in some sexual activity, though I am rarely allowed to cum, She does most of the time. All of my orgasms are strictly controlled by my wife and I am required to consume every one that is allowed. The constant teasing helps us maintain a very high level of intimacy and it sexualizes our daily life. The contact may be a little as being allowed five thrusts before sleep, a few stokes in the shower or entering her but having to remain perfectly still until we drift off to sleep. Other times she will edge me many times before putting me to bed unfulfilled. Generally I have a minimum number of days to wait and a number of tasks to complete before an orgasm is considered for me. If I have earned a spanking, it must be resolved before I would ever be allowed an orgasam. Though I have been ruined before the spanking if I have really pissed her off. I would never think of cheating on her rules, why play if you can't be trusted. We do use Chastity cages, because she loves the physical symbol of her control, much as if it were a wedding ring. This has greatly added to her confidence as a dominant woman and I no longer need to guide her along or top from the bottom to interest her in this lifestyle. I need the tease part for the denial part to work, but I would never want to go back to just regular vanilla sex. The orgasams I do have are earth shattering and after twenty years of marriage, we are still on each other like the first few blissfull months of dating.

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