Hello all. Welcome back to the Forum - Disciplined Husbands and Disciplinary Wives. Our weekly gathering of men and women who are participating, or positively interested in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.
I watched with interest this week a bit of a phenomenon involving fellow blogger Julie at http://strictjuliespanks.blogspot.com. I won't go into all the background, but Julie is a Top who decided to experience a disciplinary paddling. The story itself is entertaining, but it was interesting to me how many other blogs picked up the thread and covered it almost like a news event. Apparently having the tables turned on a Top has wide appeal. Or, perhaps it was her observations of what the anticipation leading up to your first real disciplinary spanking is like. Here is a line that reflects fairly closely what I remember from our first time:
"How can I both dread what's coming up, and yet be so excited at the same time??? I absolutely, positively, don't want it to happen. What sane woman would want her ass blistered like this??? Be humiliated like this??? And my poor butt has never even been spanked hard before, not even by hand. And I'm diving straight into the deep end of an intense paddling???? Am I nuts????But I soooo want it to happen....So waiting in anticipation. So confused..."
Well said, Julie.
Julie's approach to her blog is a bit different than mine. I would describe it, with much affection, as "unfiltered." The personal details of her relationship with her husband come spilling out left and right. I have really consciously avoided that approach with this blog, for various reasons. One was a conscious desire to make this blog less like a diary and more like a community resource. I also just feel some reluctance to invite a large number of people into the details of our personal life. But, that has certain drawbacks too when it comes to stimulating a real discussion. This week, I will depart from my reticence about personal details a little, because we had a DD experience that I thought was worth sharing, as there might be some lessons in it for folks trying to incorporate a DD or FLR routine more deeply into their marriage.
It revolves around "maintenance" spankings. I don't know whether there is an accepted definition for them, but I think of maintenance spankings as "reminders" or "just because . . ." spankings. They aren't erotic, but also aren't meant to punish. I have been skeptical of them in the past, because they do seem to depart from the DD principle of using spankings to punish bad behavior and aren't really about punishment. That seemed to create a risk of sending mixed signals. But, it occurred to me that those concerns really focus on the spanking from the perspective of the disciplined party. Could it be that maintenance spankings can have a separate and distinct purpose for the HoH, enforcing their authority and making exercising that authority more of a comfortable habit? I have been concerned recently that despite some changes in our circumstances that should have opened up opportunities for making discipline more spontaneous and regular, that really has not been happening, despite both of us talking a lot about being committed to really amping up the FLR aspect of our relationship. Our best intentions notwithstanding, real life just keeps getting in the way. I also feel that while my wife is genuinely interested in taking on a much stronger FLR and HoH role, it just does not come naturally to her and having to constantly make decisions about whether to spank can lead to it not happening even when we both know it should.
As the situation became more frustrating, I thought back to some of the ways in which we established Domestic Discipline early on, when it was unnatural to both of us. One thing we did was to establish some formal structure and practices. Early on, we came up with a list of offenses, each of which had a presumptive minimum number of swats with the paddle associated with it. This served two purposes. First, it took away some of her concerns about how long or hard to spank or whether it might be too much, by setting an agreed upon floor. It also meant that if I had a bad week, with lots of bad behavior, the number of swats could get pretty scary, which would hopefully deter some of the behavior before it started. I had to give her a journal every week tracking the offenses and tallying the swats. And, it worked to a large extent. I think setting the minimum number of swats helped her get comfortable with delivering a real disciplinary spanking, by removing just a bit of the discretion.
I thought about the way in which that formality helped us get our DD relationship off the ground, as more than a decade down the line we are struggling with taking things to the next level we both say we want, which is her being more consistently and sternly in control. I then presented her with a plan. Instead of waiting for weekends to deal with any bad behavior, with all the family and social distractions weekends entail, and instead of making the decision whether to spank hers alone, what if we set a mid-week "check in" that set the stage fully for a disciplinary spanking if one had been earned? Each week on the appointed evening, we would both get a calendar reminder on our phones that it was time for a maintenance session in 30 minutes. I would then have to promptly send her a report of my behavior since our last session. I would then go up to our room, lay out her tools, get naked, and wait for her to come up. She would then come into the room at the appointed time, and a spanking would happen, period. But, the type of spanking--maintenance or real discipline--would be up to her. If my behavior had been good since my last encounter with the paddle, she could just deliver a few light swats to enforce her authority in her mind and and my submission in mine. In other words, a purely "maintenance" spanking. Or, she would deliver a real disciplinary spanking if I had earned one. The idea was to build in the formality, and making the fact of a weekly spanking non-discretionary in order to remove some of the decision making "burden" from her and to get her into the habit of thinking of spanking more and more as an option at her disposal and something to be used consistently to express her authority, while preserving her overall authority to decide when real discipline was to be meted out. And, I see all this as temporary measure to help us both get to the more expansive FLR that we both want.
She agreed to all this. There were a few communication glitches, but the first session went largely as planned. With one big exception. My behavior the prior week had not been especially bad, and for that reason I was thinking this would be a "maintenance" event. That was reinforced in my mind by the context of the conversation, which had really been about adding maintenance as a new thing. I had, therefore, I had gotten it into my mind that she would give me a few light swats, I would get dressed, and we would go back to doing what we were doing earlier in the evening. But, what I hadn't thought about was that while I had not behaved too badly that week, a lot of bad behavior had built up since our last session. So, imagine my surprise when I bent over the bed to accept my "maintenance" swats, and she picks up the fraternity-style paddle and gives me a very, very hard swat right out of the gate. And, they keep coming. And coming. And coming. After a couple of dozen, she says, "You have had a session coming for a long time. You didn't really think this one was going to be one of the easy ones, did you?" She proceeded to give me a very hard, very long disciplinary spanking that included paddle, rubber strap and bath brush.
The fact I had not anticipated a real disciplinary spanking had another unanticipated effect. We talked a few weeks ago about pre-spanking erections and whether depriving someone of that erotic energy before a spanking was desirable and would make the spanking harder to take. In this instance, because I really thought this would be a perfunctory exercise with a few swats and then done, I never had that erotic energy going before she got to work. And, yes, that made the spanking much, much worse than usual.
I'm still kind of processing how I feel about all this. On the one hand, I do think that anticipating a disciplinary spanking serves a purpose in humbling me and building up a "healthy fear." Getting one that I didn't see coming at all deprived me of some of that. But, in the long run, perhaps it may go in the other direction, as I now have been confronted with the reality of these sessions happening weekly, that they really can become a real disciplinary session, and that I may not have any way of knowing in advance what direction she will go in.
I admit, I am not really sure what the topic is that this all leads into. Perhaps just generally, whether you use some variation on maintenance spankings in your relationship, or other means of turning Domestic Discipline or her exercise of her authority into a habit? This obviously may not be an issue for those women who are naturally dominant and who exercise authority easily and naturally. But, I do think that incremental steps help to make authority and leadership a habit, and coming up with those incremental steps can require some thought and creativity.
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