Saturday, October 1, 2016

The Forum - Vol. 176 - Stumbling Blocks

Be careful what you wish for.  You might get it.

Hello all.  Welcome back to The Forum, our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.

And, increasingly a gathering place for those who are not so interested.  I think we hit some kind of new low on the blog last week.  A tiny number of on-point or semi-on-point comments, and then a whole bunch of trying to draw everyone into debates about "is this all real" and "why the sexual aspect" and "is DD really a good thing" that I seem to be attracting an awful lot of lately.  Some of this is probably the price of "fame", which I say very tongue in cheek.  But, earlier this year, we started getting up to around 2000 visitors a day, and that is going to attract a broader range of views for sure. Though, there are two things I find really interesting about all this. First, Blogger tracks the most common search terms that lead every blog, including this one. The terms that people are using when finding this blog are aimed squarely at F/m discipline and corporal punishment. Here are the top ones for this week leading to this blog:

disciplined husband
discipinedhubbies
spanked hubby
spanked husband
f/m wife punishing husband stories
spankedhubby
spanked husbands
well disciplined husbands video
wife led marriage and discipline

Plainly, based on terms people are inputting, they are looking for precisely this kind of content.  They aren't stumbling on it by accident and then taking offense at what they inadvertently found.  I also find comments from the same detractors on multiple blogs so, again, they are plainly spending a hell of a lot of time surfing websites devoted to content that they supposedly disagree with.

Second, the lack of anything approaching a 1:1 ratio between total reader growth and total comments from people in active DD and FLR relationships is puzzling.  The growth in total daily readers has been exponential over the last year, jumping from around 300 to 500 to 1000 to almost 2000 daily.  But, the number of active commenters has stayed about the same over that time period.  And, the number of commenters actively participating in DD and FLR relationships seems to have plateaued, while the number of comments from doubters, detractors and outright trolls has jumped.  (Or, maybe it's just that they get an out-sized part of my attention, which I probably need to work on myself.)

So, given all that, I admit that part of me takes umbrage at the people who don't agree with the lifestyle but still keep coming here and still keep leaving comments, most of them aimed at wanting me to change the focus in one way or another.  And, it is definitely an exercise in "you can't please everyone."  Some want me to use a heavier hand in moderating content, especially stuff that they personally don't like or deem to be a fantasy. Of course, what they deem to be fantasy is usually whatever they themselves are not practicing.  A fairly coarse filter indeed.  Others bitch when it is their ox being gored and I fail to post, or take down, one of their comments because it isn't on topic or is anti-DD or takes potshots at other commenters.  So, again, you can't please everyone.  It was with that thought in mind that I originally intended to use as this week's topic the most recent reader poll, which was on pre-spanking erections.  Doing so would have been my own little "screw off" to anyone who has been griping about sexualized content on the blog.  And, I definitely had no intention of going down the "devote a topic to everything random people don't like about domestic discipline and FLR" rabbit hole that has been suggested in some comments.

But, it did occur to me as I mulled it some more over my Saturday morning coffee, that there are people who visit this blog who are new to DD and FLR or contemplating giving it a try, and it may be beneficial for the veterans to give the newbies an idea of where the stumbling blocks and hurdles are likely to occur.  Not "what is wrong with DD or FLR" but "what is particularly likely to go wrong with their DD and FLR."

Therefore, that is this week's topic.  We all came to DD and FLR from some other state of things -- many of us from a much more traditional or "vanilla" state of affairs.  Most of us probably came into it with some kind of pre-conceived notions or desires about what it would, or should, be like.  But, I'm sure that, as has happened throughout our DD relationship, the wishes and desires sometimes collide with everyday reality.  Real life just gets in the way -- a lot.  Or, what the two people find attractive, or not attractive, about their FLR and DD practices is not quite in synch.  So, what have the stumbling blocks and hurdles been for you as you have tried to implement DD or FLR into your real life? To get the ball rolling, here are a few of mine:

Family Distractions:  For me, the number one stumbling block, hurdle, interference, etc. that has repeatedly frustrated us really getting into a groove with FLR and DD has been the presence of kids around the house.  It is just very, very hard to find private time for discipline, or to openly practice an FLR, with kids around.  To the point that, if I had to do it all over again, I wish (a) we had started earlier; and (b) we had been more open about it.  I know that many readers disagree with that last part, but I have personally become more convinced that kids get used to pretty much anything, and if the couple is open that "She wears the pants," the kids will adapt to that reality.  It doesn't mean I think discipline should happen in the open. Adult activities are adult activities.  But, it could mean that a well-deserved spanking happens that evening after the kids are in bed, and that if they overhear then they overhear.  My own personal preference (one almost certainly NOT shared by my wife, by the way) would be to be more open about the nature of our relationship, and let those chips fall where they may.

Positions & Tools: This is one where, in my experience, the expectations may diverge radically from the reality.  We all see the DD and FLR drawings and pictures with the man draped compliantly over her lap in classic OTK position, and she delivers a devastatingly effective disciplinary spanking with a hairbrush.   For most, the reality is that OTK doesn't work particularly well for the giver or  the receiver and is generally uncomfortable and hard to maintain, and a hairbrush is generally not a very effective disciplinary tool. The combination of the two may be particularly bad, because she may not be able to generate sufficient force in the OTK position, and that force is being delivered through a fairly light instrument.  It also is surprisingly hard to find a really heavy, solid hairbrush these days.  Now, the bath brush . . . that is an entirely different story.  What a difference that few extra inches in length and extra heft can make.

Work Distractions:  We have always had a hard time really getting momentum with the FLR, because about the time she starts stepping up strongly as a leader, I take off on a business trip or get so pummeled with work that I'm just not around.  If there is any fix for this one, I have not personally found it.

Consistency:  Rebecca talked last week about not wanting to always be "on" when it comes to leading and FLR. I totally get that, and I sympathize.  I personally do need, however, for there to be a lot of consistency in terms of setting boundaries, in order for me to really adjust my behavior, and also for me to feel any real internal emotional change as a result of being made to submit.  I also have heard from Disciplinary Wives and female HoH's whose primary concern isn't being "on" too much but, rather, worry that if they really live the FLR and take on the lead role all the time, he will resent it.  It's really the opposite of worrying about being "on"  all the time. She wants to step fully into the role but worries it will be "too much" for him. I honestly think that should not be a major concern for most women. Most of the men who want this also want it to be real and want it to be consistent.  Oh, we may resent it in the moment, but in the long-run it is what we want and need.

This is one of the points the detractors really struggle to grasp.  Men who want this usually don't "like" the spankings, but they do desire to get "real" ones when they are deserved.  They also want real boundaries and real consequences for crossing them. It is the reality of the relationship itself they want, and being subject to someone's discipline that they need.  They do not want it to be enjoyable at the time.  In fact, it is were enjoyable, they wouldn't want it. I honestly don't see why this one is so hard to understand, and I do feel like some of the detractors are being intentionally obtuse, or they really lack some intellectual subtlety.  It seems perfectly reasonable to me that someone can recognize that they may profit from something they don't particularly enjoy. I work out a lot, and I really hate cardio days.  After years of doing them, I still pretty much detest every moment on the treadmill.  But, unlike many of my peers, I'm in pretty good shape for a middle-aged guy, and I've been relatively free of a lot of the chronic health problems that start hitting guys my age.  So, I recognize that cardio is good for me, even if in the middle of a run I am hurting and wanting it to stop.

Incompatible Pros and Cons:  We've been actively practicing DD for over a decade.  I can truthfully say that I haven't really felt a "downside" to DD across that whole time. Where things have "failed," for me it has been about there not being enough rigor or consistency. In other words, the only downside has come from too little DD, not too much.  FLR? Well, that's a different story.  We have only been moving into something like a real FLR for the last year or so, and it is significantly more challenging for me, particularly certain aspects of it.  And therein lies the source of the quote at the top of the page.  I asked for the FLR, including specifically asking her to me more "directive" in the relationship, telling me what she wants done and holding me accountable for doing it.  For her, that has translated into more chores and more orders to do things she wants done.  Take out the garbage.  Clean the cat's litter box.  Sweep up the floors.  And . . . I have really hated almost every minute of that. Some men get off on the "service submissive" thing.  I go in the exact opposite direction.  I absolutely hate it.  And not because I don't like doing my fair share around the house.  I do that, and I always have.  I just hate, hate, hate being told what do to or being interrupted when I want to keep doing something else.  However, the theory behind our whole approach to FLR is kind of a yin and yang thing.  Being bossed around rubs me so much the wrong way, because my personality is so naturally anti-authoritarian, and that has gotten me in a lot of trouble.  Making me do things I don't like humbles and balances me and, in the long run, that is good.  For her part, she has not always been as strong a personality as she could be with some practice and if she would get over  being concerned about being perceived as "bitchy.

So, her bossing me around does serve both our long-term needs, but it does not give me any short-term gratification at all.  Her? Well, she really likes it.  It is the one part of this that has come totally naturally to her.  Socialization and habit sometimes get in the way of rigorous implementation, but the desire is definitely there.  She genuinely likes giving me orders and, moreover, likes that I do not like being ordered. After living with me for years, she likes that I struggle to submit and that it is hard and humbling for me. Now, one could say that this isn't really about incompatible desires, because I acknowledge the service serves a long-term purpose that is good for me. True.  But, I also believe that this people need to recognize going into a DD or FLR relationship that one spouse may need, want or like something that doesn't particularly appeal to the other.  In real relationships, you don't always get what you want, and sometimes you have to do something you don't like because the other person does like it.  And of course, if submission really is submission, then it may involve giving in to something you really do not like and that, unlike the "dislike" associated with a hard spanking, is something that you really don't want regardless of whether it serves a larger purpose.  You give in to her wishes, because that is what you have agreed to to do.  Now, this is all rather obvious in theory, but I find it very difficult in practice.

Well, this ended up being a lot longer and very different than what I had planned for today.  Let's now hear from some our our DD and FLR practitioners about those aspects of the relationship they have struggled with, and what they might do differently if they could do it again.

I hope you all have a good week.  As always, if you are new to this Forum, please stop by the Guestbook (see tab above) and tell us something about yourself and your DD or FLR relationship.

38 comments:

  1. Great topic, great blog!
    All works pretty well in our house with regular corrective sessions. If I were to change/ improve anything it would be.
    1. Immediacy - the punishments that have happened immediately after the offence have been the most memorable as it has felt the most 'genuine'. But we generally have to wait days for the right opportunity.
    2. Severity/ duration - we are getting there but mostly she still stops just a bit too soon which TBH I am glad at the time but really could benefit from the extra couple of minutes of discomfort and lets face it, the complete loss off control and submission
    3. The cane - which I really want to experience but she has said no as being too severe, to serious, too damaging.
    And that's it really - otherwise all good.
    TB

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    1. Thanks, TB. We have not had much luck with the can, so I really don't know how much you are missing.

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    2. Please define, "luck"! It's our mainstay due to the quietness of it's application.

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    3. Yes, in this case "luck" is definitely in the eye of the beholder.

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    4. My wife loves to use the cane. I hate it. For some reason I always hope she chooses a paddle or hairbrush, or anything else. But at the end of the day, whatever she chooses is as bad as anything else. Honestly, I think I find the sight of her with those implements more of a turn on. But as we all know the "turn on" lasts about a minute and then, when all hell breaks loose, none of it matters.

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    5. Our #1 biggest obstacle to the whole thing is that 7 out of 10 times my back goes out afterwards. And that has a really negative affect on both of our lives.

      Many times our DWC friends would think I was faking it and it was so embarrassing. I would never, ever, cop out in that way. I admit that I often try my best to get out of a spanking; but never with lying or faking anything.

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    6. I have had similar back issues, and it does really make things impossible. Mine got a lot better over time with stretching and lots of abdominal work.

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    7. Good point about getting the stretching going again. Thanks...

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  2. My experiences were very similar to TB's as we progressed through the normal stages and my wife gradually grew in her role. From rare "let me do this to keep him quiet" to her understanding my need and growing together in the role.

    As the spankings became more frequent and more "sincere" and as we researched the subject together I to desired greater severity/duration as well as a desire to experience the cane.
    We talked about this aspect and read and researched it together finding mutually acceptable postings, photos and even an acceptable video or two.
    Our most recently "discussion she agreed to and delivered a thorough session with the cane, leaving me as close to tears as I have ever come and very very appreciative and satisfied.
    Better yet this led to further discussion, more mutual research and deeper understanding of our place in TTWD

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    1. Hi Anonymous. I think both your comments and TB's emphasize one "reality" about DD that it is important for newbies to understand -- it is almost always a growth process. Few begin fully formed. You try something. It works or it doesn't. You then try something else. It works for it doesn't. The process is usually gradual and iterative.

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    2. Dan, you have hit the nail on the head here - it is all about growth. The 1st spankings were tentative and felt like I was being 'indulged' like s slightly kinky game. But we communicated a lot then and even now, me mostly by email, because I could be more honest and I could develop my thoughts and I could fine tune what I wanted to say. And she started to love getting my mails (which are partially love letters). I I committed to her to always be honest, and that as she developed her technique and became more comfortable with the physical disciple we talked and we linked it to punishing me for behaviour that she didn't like. And it really wasn't very long that she gravitated from a light wooden paddle to a decent weight (BodyShop) bath brush and a couple of pretty mean leather straps from London Tanners. I now I really am quite well behaved, we really don't argue and although I still love the fantasy and the warm glow, the spankings (which she insists happen weekly so I know how strong she is) are really uncomfortable and I try to avoid when I know I'm in for it. It is about growth and a journey. TB

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    3. Hi TB. I hate that damn BodyShop bath brush. I wonder whether anyone really uses them for baths?

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  3. I couldn't agree more, the growth process and learning and experiencing together is one of the best aspects of it

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  4. The growth process is sort of what I was going to post. It's all about honest communication. So our failures if that is the right word stem from when I struggle with embarrassment or shame at having the desires I do so don't share. DD and FLR are not the so called norm. I still after years struggle to tell her what's going on. Why I like or need what we do. Or if something new is being discussed what my thoughts are. Or to even suggest something new. Honesty is the best tho.

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    1. I struggle with some of that, too. Journaling has helped a lot, though it is definitely one of those things where you get out of it what you put into it. Even in a journal, it can be hard to really open up and say what you are feeling, though it has been very positive when I have succeeded in really opening up.

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    2. We have been in a Disciplinary Wife relationship for probably 25 years. I am so grateful to her. And she has been an active social leader, helping many others find this path. But still, to this day, I don't say everything I could.

      The truth is, if I did, I would get a lot more spankings. Part of it is that I just can't get the words out of my mouth. Another part is, I probably could; but I'd get a LOT MORE SPANKINGS.

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  5. One's sense of "reality" and what is "acceptable" can often change with time and experience. There were many things I felt were 'impossible' until I witnessed it or tried it firsthand. We all have our own journey, and my journey isn't like that of the other women here. What is desired and what ends up being practical is very different as well. I can say that a hand spanking or a hairbrush on Shilo is a waste of time, as is the classic OTK position due to his size and pain threshold.

    Just before my accident in July, I decided that it was time for Stitch to start receiving discipline as well. It turned out that OTK and hairbrush works well with him, although he is a bit of a squirmer. He has a much lower pain threshold so he's very loud when it comes to being disciplined.

    Life circumstances (mostly due to health issues {getting older sucks!}) has caused much lost time when it comes to giving (spanking) discipline on a regular basis, but we aren't ready to give up yet.

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    1. {getting older sucks!} Ain't that the truth!

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    2. Several years ago we had dinner with a couple who lived in a rest home. I did not want to come out and ask their ages; but they were very senior citizens.

      They were delightful and she still finds a few minutes to cane him now and then. Talk about having to work at getting a few minutes of real privacy.

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  6. Dan
    Peter came to DD long before he accepted even the concept of a FLR. What I as a wife discovered was how easy it was for him to have me, merely punish him physically. For most women that is never enough.Like you, Peter has made a career that depended very much on his ability to not accept the rules that others live by. He is rewarded to think outside the box.
    At home it took being on the verge of divorce to even discuss the idea of living in a FLR. To me that means
    sharing all his emotions before he gets to the breaking point. As for punishment I have relied on a good
    old fashioned Brush . The one we use is small about 7 inches in length. It is a mans hair brush that has a 3 inch handle. It is made of Beechwood. It is from England and packs a nice sitting. It is made by Kent and is an old English firm. Model # OG4. It sits in our bathroom and more than once when the boys were up and about I have ordered Peter to take a shower and then sneak into the bathroom warm things u p a bit and then while he dresses i put dinner on the table.
    anna

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    1. Hi Anna. I agree that sharing emotions is key to gaining some real level of submission. And it is surprisingly hard to do.

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  7. I got into DD to correct issues (my issues) that negatively impacted our marriage. Honest open discussions, as others have said, is critical to making DD work because your wife has to buy into it. For example, in my case, there is no way I would accept a FLR. But those behavioral issues I had that PO'd my wife could change with a DD agreement. Chores that I wasn't doing that I had no problem doing could be made part of the DD agreement. The point, through communications we were able to agree on changes (subject to DD) that made our life and relationship better. My wife didn't have to boss me around because we were able to mutually agree on things and incorporate them into an agreement. So unless you are interested in letting your wife call all the shots (a FLR), discussing and entering into a comprehensive agreement (amending it over the years as may be necessary by communications and agreement)makes everything clear and nobody has to be bossed. So if you violate the agreement you get spanked, but as long as you follow the rules you don't get spanked. Otherwise you live a normal life. It is a power exchange since your wife is charged with the power to spank you when rules you have agreed to are broken, and I think most men have no problem with that. I think most men want that spanking to be real punishment and are disappointed if it isn't. We adopted the suggestion in the Spencer Spanking Plan to have me lay over pillows on the bed. I'm a former line backer and really to big to go over my wife's knee. We tried it in the beginning and it doesn't work because of weight and too much movement when each swat is burning your bottom. Your wife can put more strength into each swat while you are prone on the bed, and you can hold your position much better. In the beginning my wife used a sorority paddle on me as I was bent over the sofa. The punishment was effective, but it tended to break the skin and that upset my wife. so we studied spanking instruments and she now use a cherry wood paddle about 3/8 to 1/2 inch thick and somewhat larger than a ping pong paddle in size and it stings, and really burns, but doesn't break the skin. We also use a large strap we bought from London Tanners, that burns like crazy but doesn't break the skin. We have agreed that getting a really harsh spanking is punishment enough snd don't do corner time, write lines, etc. Our belief is that a punishment spanking is a quick disciplinary resolution of the problem and things quickly get back to normal. Your wife has made her point and you have learned your lesson. Speaking personally, I entered into our agreement because I wanted to improve, have tried hard to improve, and I have improved, and it re-enforces my wife willingness to enforce our agreement. Another important consideration is consistency, to wit, violate the rule and a spanking will happen period. We started DD after our kids flew the coup and I retired so many of our spankings occur soon after a violation. I think that's best, but if you are on vacation (for example) your wife must follow through when you get home. We've been practicing DD for just about 15 years and it has bonded us much closer together in love and in our marriage. My wife has learned to deliver really painful spankings that I don't enjoy one bit. So why do I take them? Because they have worked, I have really improved in so many ways, my wife loves those improvements, and although I still do get spanked, the frequency is now down to about three (3) or so a year.

    Fred

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    1. Thanks, Fred. I think that goal of improving behavior is something that really gets overlooked by the "is this all real if he wants it" questioners. It doesn't necessarily mean that the improvement happens right away, or that it is all linear, or that some behaviors aren't harder to root out than others. But, for many it is the goal of improvement and/or accountability that drives the desire, not the spanking itself.

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  8. Dan- You do such an amazing job that so many of us are truly appreciative of! For your sake, I wanted to share my opinion, based on personal experience, on the reason for the disparity in the numbers of people that are now regular viewers versus commenters. Hey, the sheer volume of views speaks for itself, there are a ton of people with interest in the topic. But my guess is the vast majority is the growing number of those (OK…..Husbands) who are curious and/or WANT this in their lives versus those who have “come out” to their spouse let alone are actually participating in the lifestyle. So as you’ve heard me say here in the past and I’m guessing there are a lot of the other guys fall in the same camp…..I as a newbie/”wannabe” who has come out to wife but still can’t get her to engage, I’m typically reticent to add my 2 cents to the dialogue because I’d just be coming from my own “fantasy” perspective. I’d think there have to be plenty of other viewers that feel the same way….”who am I to chime in”. Ironically, I think it’s the people in that boat, who desperately WANT this as part of their lives and are working towards it, that this blog is most valuable to! So again….a heart felt THANK YOU to you and those experienced DD/FLR couples who regularly contribute for our benefit.

    Now I have to finally weigh in on the “issue” of the commenters who’s interest is debating (let’s be honest, ANTAGONIZING) the validity, realities or “essence” of the whole F/m DD or FLR concept. If that’s your interest that’s awesome…. but this should no longer be the place that entertains those dialogues! Go start your own blog for that purpose. Dan, you’ve been overly fair and frankly….. overly indulgent.
    It’s time they got cut off and no longer allowed to distract and highjack the conversations of those that are here for the same purpose.

    This week’s topic is great! Dan you made some awesome comments that really helped. It was awesome to hear that I’m not the only one that the reality of “life” and more specifically FAMILY get in the way of this. I have kids at home and it’s incredibly hard to get privacy when you want or need it. The other nuance I’d add is that as I’m trying to get my wife to started, just when you get some momentum something w the kids or day to day of household throws cold water on it. In the “Family Distraction” section of your comments you bring up a perfect example of the fact that there is NO “right or wrong” way this is implemented, you have to find what works for you and your spouse. You seem to feel it would work for you to be disciplined at home in private and if it was overheard….then so be it. That’s something I know wouldn’t work for me. So again, to each his own.

    It was also enlightening hearing that a very very common image that is constantly promoted online of being over a wife’s knee with hairbrush flying…..isn’t all that practical in real life!!!!! With the extremely limited experience I’ve had we tried your typical hairbrush and you’re right….it doesn’t really work. Also my wife clearly just isn’t interested in “hauling me over her knee”…I don’t really fit. It seems like she prefers to give me whacks as I’m standing. Me not “topping from the bottom” and resisting telling her “how” to spank me in the way I WANT is an additional component us typical “Alpha guys” need to learn!!!!!!!

    OK I’m going to leave it at that. Again….THANKS ALL!

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    1. Hi Darren. Good to hear from you.

      I guess it is possible that those who are actually in DD relationships started participating in the discussions early on, while as we have added readers it has not resulted in a proportional number of people who are in current DD relationships and feel comfortable commenting. Just seems like there would be more linearity there, you know? But, it may very well be that the audience of currently disciplined men just isn't that large. Check out the bottom poll, above and to the right, which recently closed. I left that one up for an entire year. It got about 1200 total responses, and only about half identify as disciplined men. Almost a third are men who aspire to be disciplined by currently aren't. I've had topics before about how many people there are out there who actually practice DD, and there are always a lot of comments to the effect of, "Probably a lot more than we think." I'm just not as sure about that. There may be many interested in it, but the number actually doing it could very well be pretty small.

      "Antagonizing" is a good way to put it. And, I hear you that I probably have let some of it go on too long. It does ultimately just screw things up for those who genuinely are interested in DD and who want a community to talk with about that.

      I firmly agree that the issue of how open to be and how to deal with kid distractions is one that each couple needs to talk through and find something that works for them. And they very well may not agree. At this stage, I am a lot more comfortable with the principle of being at least slightly "out" than my wife is.

      I do not, by the way, see giving feedback on whether a spanking is effective as "topping from the bottom." If it is being done for disciplinary purposes but just isn't hard enough to accomplish that, then it's kind of a waste of time for both parties, and she may want and need the feedback.

      Thanks again for the comments!

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  9. Dan I believe your list of impediments is pretty thorough, however, I will add one that wasn't on there that was HUGE for us this past year and still tries to creep into our minds and cripple our desires: OUTSIDE STRESSES! For us this has been two significant legal/financial issues that when revealed to anyone, are met with a look of shock and a reaction of, "how can something like that even happen?"

    If you want to short-circuit your DD, just have life kick your ass constantly instead of your wife, and when you do get 'together time' the last thing either of you will want is to add more punishment into your lives. All you'll want is warmth, encouragement, forgiveness and maybe a cuddle. (If you are kinky like us, that could just mean a cuddle at your honey's feet.....but you get the idea.)

    Another thing that does get in the way on a practical level is the presence of someone 'not in the loop'. In our case, this list is small and usually means just one person: my step-daughter's boyfriend. He is someone we are not out to and he is here a lot on weekends, so we do have to work around that. I think this would be hell though if that list included everyone in our house! Thankfully our choices have meant that it doesn't.

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    1. Hi KD. Yep,outside stresses are definitely a big derailer. It can also be a very nuanced problem and one without a clear solution, whether to ride it out or deal with it. Some husbands seem to actually want the wife to step up the control and discipline during times of stress. Others, apparently like yourself, go in the opposite direction. And that can leave the Wives in a quandary, not knowing what is best for their particular husband at that particular time. If his stress is causing him to act out, should she cut him some slack until the situation gets better, or is that the exact time at which she needs to rein him in and clamp down hard?

      For me, it kind of depends on the source of the outside stress. If it is being driven mainly by workload and deadlines, in that moment I really do need her to cut me some slack, especially on the whole "service submission" thing, because I am already struggling to keep my head above water and the last thing in the world I need is some new chore to do. On the other hand, if it is something where my control tendencies are on overload reacting to an essentially uncontrollable situation, or if the outside stressor is something I actually brought about, then accountability may be in order for the latter and a reminder that I am NOT, in fact, in control and need to just ride something out, can help get my mind in the right place to better deal with the former.

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  10. Dan
    As you may recall, I too work with a great amount of stress. I find if i let Anna know ahead of time what is coming up for me, most of the time she is accommodating. The only time she seems to not cut me any slack is when she has seen me procrastinating for weeks and then diving in at the last minute.
    When we bought our new home, we specifically looked for a home where the master suite was on the other side of the house from our boys rooms. The former owner was a musician and we lucked out as off the master bedroom is a small soundproof room he used as a studio.
    For me the hardest thing really is giving up control. As Anna says often," God forbid there might be a better way than your way" my answer is to say " Yes Ma'am I will try to do better. And when I dont try
    is when I feel her message on other parts of my anatomy. Bless you Dan for this work you do.
    Peter

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    1. Hey Peter. That is a great caveat -- if our stress is due to our own procrastination, then why should they cut us a break?

      Agreed totally giving up control being the really hard part. It is a nice hairball. We are probably successful because we are controlling, but the need to control is also precisely what stresses us out. So, we implement DD or FLRs to learn to give up some control, but it is a constant challenge. And while I don't worry much anymore than learning to give up control might actually hurt my career, it certainly was a worry for me for some time. It really ceased being one only when I started thinking more about the whole chain-of-command thing and that learning to submit in one context didn't weaken me in another, and could even make me a better leader. Though, I still can't quite bring myself to apply that when it comes to my own superiors at work. I still pretty much refuse to acknowledge authority, which is sometimes a good thing, and sometimes not so much!

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    2. Peter, I think you bring up a great point regarding the opportunity to address the issue of noise for those moving house. It was a golden opportunity that I now wish I had been more firm on (!) as we have no spare room, let alone any soundproofed, so well done you! However, my Wife asserts that, since her cane is quiet, the issue of noise level rests solely with my me and my mouth. I know she enjoys pushing this because I have been punished in the conservatory, close to the boundary fence, prevented from closing the windows and even threatened with a caning outside which I know she'd follow through on without thinking twice!

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    3. redshub
      Love your wife's statement about her cane being quiet... my wife Anna loves it!

      peter

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  11. I think that our merely discussing domestic discipline in this blog in itself removes stumbling blocks. I belong to at least 30 femdom groups on FetLife and actual discipline as punishment rarely gets discussed. Most dommes say they don't use it, use discussion instead, say it doesn't work, etc.

    Interestingly I was chatting with a domme who does use discipline as punishment. She said that she won't discuss it in femdom groups as it's "too controversial". She told me that she finds corporal punishment to be quite effective and gave me examples of when, why and how she uses it.

    Because of the difficulty in finding sites where women do use corporal punishment I find this blog to be really refreshing. It really is fascinating to hear how women actually do punish men in this way. As a result I really love this blog. I think the more we discuss the subject of women using spanking as a tool to punish men here in this blog the more stumbling blocks will be removed.

    I_ObeyHer
    (my FetLife name)

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  12. Hi Dan,

    There are two things I would do differently. One is to start sooner, probably before we married setting down the boundaries very clearly.The second is probably that I would have added embarrassment as well as serious scolding because he responds to these at least as much as he does to a hard spanking. Hard spanking alone doesn't have a permanent effect on him.I might also not have started with the strap ( sorry, a third thing) because he has a little fixation with that. When i punish him with other instruments he seems to fear the spanking more and get the message faster
    Holly

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    1. Hi Holly. Glad to see you're back. I was a little afraid we had lost you. As long as we have been at this, my wife still struggles to really scold. She is getting better at it as we go more toward a real FLR, but it's hard for her. Is there anything in particular you do, and are willing to share, regarding embarrassment?

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    2. FYI, The DWC has an amazing publication and video set specifically on on scolding

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  13. Holly
    I am a spanked partner and add whatever you want. I would bet you he wants it too!

    a husband

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  14. It's true that, during my first marriage, and even though she had started spanking me before we had kids - and even before we were married - we made sure that they were out of the house (for some reason) before she gave me "what's for"! As they grew older, this was hardly a problem... After N. died -and when I married J. (who knew vey well - and had more than once watched!- how I was disciplined), the "kids" were away in college, and J. felt free to spank, cane, strap or birch me as she thought I needed! "Work distractions" have never been a problem - in the sense that discipline may be deferred (but only postponed) as needed. And then, of course, there are the times when (N. or J.) were/are trekking in the woods, or on vacation, and I can expect to be birched in the open air - or to get a taste of the hairbrush or the martinet in our hotel room (for any of the service maids or guests in adjacent rooms to overhear!)

    L.

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  15. So, as we go down the dd path, our third session scheduled for next week, mywife has been saying that she doesn't want to mother me. I'm not sure what to say to that. I can understand her point, but there seems to be a bit of unavoidable mothering in this, dd. Any suggestions to wieghlay her fears of mothering me? Thanks BL

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