Saturday, April 9, 2016

The Forum - Vol. 132 - Undeserved Punishment


Hi all. Welcome back to the Disciplined Husbands Forum, our weekly gathering place for individuals and couples who are participating or interested in Domestic Discipline and FLR relationships. I hope you all had a great week.

We had some good contributions last week on spanking related phrases that are meant to get our attention, deliver a warning, let us know what we have coming, etc.  Here is my compilation, with some slight editing on my part.  I will also post these in the Tips & Methods secction:


I'll give you something to cry about.

Understood?

Did you hear what I said?

Not as sorry as you are going to be.

We will discuss this later.

Bring me the paddle.

Down on all fours and don't get up until I see tears of remorse.

I don't see tears.  Does that mean you need the cane?

So what did he do this time?

I am going to blister your behind.

I am going to set your bottom on fire.

You are going to be much sorrier.

I bet you will be good - after I finish blistering your behind.

I sure hope you won't do it again - God help you if you do.

Stop? (with increduality) Oh no, dear, we're just getting started.

You really should be ashamed that I'm having to paddle your behind like this - will you ever grow up?

Of course it hurts - you should have remembered that before misbehaving again.

There are no limits on my authority to spank you, anytime, anyplace for any reason –got that.

You have a naughty little boy inside you and when he comes out it’s my job to teach him how to behave.

You are going to be severely punished.

Lose it. (referring to a pre-spanking erection)

Do you want me to take you upstairs and pull your pants down?

One more word and I will ...

You are going to get such a sore bottom when we get home.

You just carry on with that attitude, just carry on...

 We are going upstairs now as you definitely need a resetting.

Really?  Really?

I'll take care of that.

Infraction.

You know that's punishable.

You're too smart for your britches, and those britches are coming down.

Assume the position.

Time to bring me the paddle.

I promise this is going to be ass blistering that you won't soon forget - you'll be lucky if you can sit down for the next week."

Now go cut me a switch.

Of course it hurts. It is supposed to hurt.

Our company should be here soon, dear. Time to bring me the paddle so we can make sure you remember to behave.

And you're going to be even sorrier.

Why don't we discuss this at length, on Friday over dinner.

This week's topic was suggested in a recent comment. It is "undeserved" punishment.  Have you ever been given a disciplinary spanking for something you felt you didn't deserve?  Perhaps "caught" doing something you really didn't do? Or someone else was the real offender? Or, maybe you did something that wasn't contrary to any clearly set rule, but it was something that annoyed or aggravated your HoH, so they disciplined you for it unexpectedly?  In those circumstances, how did you react?  How did it make you feel?  Humbled?  Resentful?  Respectful?

I can't think of a circumstance where I have been punished by her for something I really didn't do or something that I didn't know was a problem for her.  The closest I can think of is a situation where I repeatedly left a chore undone, or done half-assed, and she finally had enough, ordered a spanking, and delivered a very, very hard one that evening.  It was not that it was "undeserved" per se, but this chore was not so much something assigned to me under some express rule, but something I have just always done.  Moreover, giving  a very hard spanking for not doing a chore was not a direction either of us had taken things in up until that point.  So, perhaps the right word is "unexpected" as opposed to "undeserved."  In terms of how I reacted, there was perhaps some resentment as I pulled by pants up over my very sore bottom that night, but there was also an offsetting respect.  Admiration is another good word to describe it.  I felt proud of her for addressing a situation that was pissing her off, and doing it strongly and decisively.  That reaction was one indication I had that we might have approached a fork in the road, going from something purely DD to something more FLR-oriented, with her setting the tone and direction and taking action where she thought appropriate, not just to address a violation of some rule we had expressly agreed to.

It also would be more than a little disingenuous for me to get too upset about being punished for something I didn't deserve given that, on balance, I have engaged in way more bad behavior that has gone unpunished that I should not have gotten away with.  So, being punished where not strictly deserved could be looked at as just a balancing of the scales!

I hope you all have a great weekend.


45 comments:

  1. I like your "Balancing the scales"reference. I think it expresses my thoughts on this.

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  2. Every spaking L. gets is either "deserved" or "needed" (i.e. it serves a purpose), and I am the only judge of that. "Deserved" spankings are administered for a specific misdemeanor (and calibrated according to the seriousness of the offence). "Needed" spankings are applied as warnings (e.g. to remind him that he must toe the line, or as a notice that he must be on his best behavior when we visit or entertain some friends)

    J.

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    1. "Deserved" or "needed" is a great way to put it.

      Dan

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    2. ... and I recognize the difference between the two !

      L.

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    3. I am sure your derrière does :-)

      J.

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  3. I received one once because Wife thought I'd been masturbating that day when She got home. But, this time, i hadn't. I looked "warm" because the warm laptop was on my lap. She said, get up, and we're doing a spanking upstairs. I was wide-eyed shocked and emphatically denied it! Of course, browser history was off so couldn't help me. She looked like She was going to grab me by the ear and pull me upstairs...! I kept denying it, and She said, "Yeah, right" or similar things.
    She wailed into me a short time later, telling me not to lie about it. (It has been an issue other times, admittedly, and one i need to improve on).
    When it was over, I was still incredulous and in pain, but knew I'd escaped many times in the past. I was proud She cared enough to correct me, but I still hated that She spanked and paddled for an incorrect reason. I felt like pouting some, but spanking kinda knocks that out of me.
    bob

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    1. This experience really resonates with me because it's happened to me several times although not recently. Its very hard to take a spanking when you are innocent and it brought back some feeling from growing up . But in the end ( no pun) I realized that submitting to her authority was more important than protesting my innocence. From the beginning her motto has been anytime, anyplace for any reason and I have agreed to that.In a disciplinary relationship there will be punishment administered sometimes that is unfair or misses the mark in terms of guilt or innocence. Ultimately I believe this is a price worth paying and if she was to spank me today unjustly I hope I would take it with good grace and accept her judgement. I will add one thought and it is a hypothetical for us. If unfair or undeserved spankings became frequent and the norm I probably would rebel because that clearly falls outside our agreement. But once in a while, that is to be expected and a wise husband just grins and bears it ( that was a pun)
      Alan

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    2. Alan- thanks for your comment, and commiseration. I guess "bewilderment" comes to mind, as a simple word. Couldn't believe She didn't believe me. But(t) you're right, it's small price to pay, and I would hope I'd take it with a little more grace if/when it happens again. Not that I wasn't suitably compliant -- there was really no question.
      Agree that if it happened a lot, now that could be a problem. Can't see that happening though.
      Thanks, bob

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    3. I have been punished unfairly but only a couple of times over more than 20 years, really more misunderstandings where she reacted faster than she should have and not a problem in our relationship. Getting accused and spanked unfairly for masturbation would be a problem for me because both of us have been very honest about it. I left a note below about how my wife handles that when it happens
      Ed

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    4. This is to bob, above
      What you say makes me think that the times I have been spanked resisting ( a few probably not deserved and more I wasn't in the mood), those times have really been defining moments in our DD when both of us realized she really was in charge and I couldn't or wouldn't disobey her about spanking
      Alan

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    5. Thanks, guys. I was out a lot this week and not much help in carrying on the conversation.

      Delete
  4. Maybe the more interesting question is whether you have been punished for something you did not do and never did?

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    1. That would seem to be part of the actual topic, but perhaps I am not understanding your suggestion.

      Dan

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  5. The idea was to filter out the responses where a particular accusation was false or unfounded but on one or more other occasions the offense was committed and went undetected, as was the case with Bob. Seems like the reaction would likely be different.

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    1. True. I admit She was right, it had been a problem other times. bob

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  6. Little Bill Daggett (Gene Hackman): "I don't deserve this... to die like this. I was building a house."
    Will Munny (Clint Eastwood): "Deserve's got nothin' to do with it."

    Kind of says it all. (I suppose there's another line in Unforgiven that works too. When the kid tries to rationalize the killing with the victims 'having it coming', Munny replies, "we all got it coming, kid.")

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    1. Nothing really to do with disciplined or having it coming, but reading this blog and comments prompted husband and I to dig through all of the bargain videos at Walmart in the bin the other night in search of Unforgiven (The internet told us they had it "in stock') I won, and found it at last for $5. We watched it a few nights ago and remembered what a great movie it was. Sorry...off topic.

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    2. Agreed. It's not my favorite western ever (that honor still goes to Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid), but it is way up there.

      Delete
  7. I get 150 severe strokes with the cane and thick rubber straps before family gatherings to make sure i am good,and a good thrashing every weekend even if i have been good, been like this for many years,
    when i am bad i can get a good one every day for a week !

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  8. Dan

    An interesting topic. I know for myself, there are two things Peter can do that
    will guarantee that he will be punished.
    Bringing home his frustrations from the workplace. For us it means snapping or ignoring
    the boys at the dinner table.
    2. Rolling of his eyes when he is annoyed with something I say or something I request of him.

    Anna

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    1. Oh... I've gotten my bottom blistered way too many times for rolling my eyes at something Susan said.... That really annoys her - you would think I would know better by now but every now and then.... -al

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    2. I sometimes wonder if Peter doesn't do that to tell me he needs his bottom blistered!
      anna

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    3. Anna- I have to admit, my Wife has made me frustrated when She keeps going on about problems at work, with all the details and everything. I'm lucky I don't get spanked more for that!
      Thanks, bob

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    4. Rolling of the eyes is definitely deserving, and something I do way too often.

      Delete
  9. Your use of quotes in the topic question. "Caught" doing something you really didn't do implies to me a level of play or at least maintenance in the discipline. In the play category I am often (seems to be at least once a month) disciplined for a perceived shortcoming or misdeed. Part of the enjoyment of discipline on my part is the embarrassment and shame involved in the process of discipline. Pants around ankles while being lectured. The pleading for leniency. This is further enhanced when the reason is not real as "caught" would seem to apply.

    A favourite accusation of my wife is that I was playing with myself. Well there is no way you can prove you were not. Part of our discipline agreement is that I am guilty unless I can prove otherwise so if she accuses me it's pretty much guaranteed a discipline session.

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    1. iruser,
      Just curious but is control of masturbation part of play with you or is it a real infraction. It is real with us and the one thing my wife will not tolerate. But she isn't unfair about it. If she suspects I have done it she will ask and usually she believes me if I deny it. If I admit it I get spanked usually right away hard and fast and no warmup. If she thinks I am lying to her she gives me several minutes to produce a full erection. If I can't I am in a lot of trouble and its a lot more than a fast spanking so almost always I tell her the truth and take my medicine. But she doesn't automatically assume I am guilty unless I admit it or can't produce the erection
      Ed

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    2. Iruser- yes, that's it.. So difficult to get out of the accusation, more so if She'd caught you before. At any rate, good to see Her take a position and act authoritatively, I'll say that! bob

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    3. HI Ed

      Masturbation is not controlled per se. More my arousal and possibly subsequent climax.

      It's more an honor thing. I'm trusted to keep it under control. Of course reading sites like this does not help.

      If I get aroused when she does not want it is certainly an infraction. Thinking about the ocean helps me lose the arousal. Sometimes a cold shower is called for. She likes putting snow down my pants in winter. That's awful to endure.

      HI Bob

      Yes I've been caught. Certainly a huge temptation. A huge risk given the consequences.

      But be honest we want to be caught right ?

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    4. I suppose if it's a game we might want to be caught and we have some of that in silly things like mild cussing and not putting the toilet seat down.But she is very serious about masturbation so I sure don't want caught. I think it happened only once when she walked in on me masturbating in front of the computer after coming home early.That is to this day one of the most embarrassing events of my life and I never plan to repeat it.
      Ed

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    5. Thanks, iruser. "Caught" wasn't really meant to convey a game or fun but, rather, that the person was not really doing whatever the wife thought she caught.

      Delete
  10. I have been spanked for doing or not doing what I was supposed to do. For instance, the neighbor forgot to take out the trash and he traded his trash can for ours after the trash truck came by. So my wife spanked me for not taking the trash can out to the street.

    But finding false blame is normal. It happens in all walks of life; whether it is raising children or determining who screwed up in the work place.

    It is not the spanking that bothers me. It is the false blame that is placed on me. I like being spanked. Rather I like the before and after being spanked. The actual spanking is usually very unpleasant. But our agreement covers this. If she wants to spank me, she can- no disagreement and she doesn't even have to tell me why when it occurs. But the night after a spanking, we discuss what happened and how the spanking went. That is my time to explain. We have this discussion as equals, she cannot play "the mistress is always right," nor can she treat it like an inquisition. Since emotions have cooled, it is easily handled. Additionally, since I get spanked for things that most husbands would get a dirty look for, it is hard to be too emotionally invested in.

    Since I get spanked regardless of what happened, there is little reason to lie.

    Which brings up one of the things that I really like about FLR- communication. I have to express my feelings (that sometimes sucks) and thoughts and she cannot say "nothing is wrong".

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    1. Agreed. The during can be so awful. The before and after re terrific.

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    2. I too love the simple way you say it, the before and after are great. :)
      bob

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  11. Thank you!! That is by far the coolest and happiest FLR arrangement I've encountered. I may poach some of that.

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  12. You are welcome.

    My wife would never accept the standard FLR that you read on most blogs. Why? Because she said so- that is why. She likes the control, but not the responsibility (Yes, I got her to admit it a night after a spanking.). It makes sense, she has enough trouble controlling the kids. Why would she want to control me? But she likes to get her way. Also, I don't think I could handle a standard "mod 1 FLR," because I'm not that submissive- but I do need oversight.

    Her family nickname was "Your Highness," but she is very kind, truly a nice person, and fights fair. She is also very anal- the has a list for everything and balances the checkbook out to the penny. And very serious- VERY serious. I accused her of marrying me, so she wouldn't get worry lines. And she did not disagree.

    Me- I'm laid back, it's not serious unless someone is going to the hospital. For instance: we moved to the south just in time for Hurricane Floyd to roll over us. A tree limb went through the roof in the early moments and I told my wife (who was seeking an interior room) that she finally got the sky light she always wanted. In a very loud (some would say yelling, but I am hard of hearing) and emotional tone she said, "Only you would joke during a hurricane!" Of course I had to reply- "Do you want to whine, or should I get some wine." Yeah, it was cheesy, but it worked. She started laughing and said, "wine and chocolate." I tend to seek the unknown- My parents elected me to be the child "most likely to die before graduating from college." Do you think I got my sense of humor by nature or nurture?

    Additionally, in most relationships the woman is already in charge. How many men have decided that the spare bedroom needed to be painted and how many men have painted the spare bedroom? So we have only formalized what existed before- and I get to be spanked.

    She does ask from time to time whether it bothers me that she makes most of the decisions. My standard reply is "why would I want to make decisions- that requires buy-in, negotiation, and "Your Highness" likes to get her way. So why would I want to work at making her mad and disgruntled, when I can find much more easier and imaginative ways." And I don't care. I have picked exactly one piece of furniture. Yep, you guessed it- my chair. A beautiful Queen Anne recliner that is made of walnut and covered in silk (If made of the right kind of silk, it wears like iron.). It was ghastly expensive, but very comfortable and still looks very attractive many years after its original purchase. Unlike most manly furniture purchases, it draws very positive comments.

    Our FLR is different. She makes almost all decisions, but I have veto power. For instance, she has to know how many pennies are in the checking account, but she doesn't hesitate to run it down to zero. So we just use our strengths to build up the other. And I guess that is why it works, we both get what we want (did I mention spanking), it makes us closer, and we are much better together than apart. Once, My son told us at the dinner table that when one of us dies, he is going to have to shoot the other one, because he could not imagine only one of us. My wife immediately got a horrified look on her face and I started laughing. My wife got mad and said "That is horrible! Why are you laughing?" My reply, "Just more proof that we don't need a DNA test." She got a shocked look on her face and then stated laughing. Oh yeah, later I was REALLY spanked for that comment.

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    1. Lots of great observations in this. Thanks for sharing.

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    2. Your Wife sounds wonderful! Yes, the Women are pretty much in control anyway. My Wife is great, and understanding even too. There are only a few times when She took FLR well beyond my comfort zone, like just going out and buying a new car She wanted one day (not shopping around was my complaint, really). i was unhappy, but nothing i could do. bob

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  13. I guess good accountants aren't always good money managers!

    Really, thanks for sharing your story. I've become very interested in FLR-DD, but the way it's typically practiced is too harsh for me, and my wife does not have that kind of ability to lead. However, your story makes me think we can somehow implement aspects of it and really enjoy it.

    I'm really big on humor. No hurricanes, but last year I was cracking the hospital staff up when I had my heart attack. I say laugh through everything you can.

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    1. Great, i hope you do! There are many different arrangements. Certainly you'll find one that can work! bob

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  14. By "that ability to lead" I meant she doesn't have the ability to do it completely unilaterally and autocratically. She could run is into bankruptcy and other difficulties without some kind of oversight and veto power from me.

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  15. Anonymous,

    She doesn't have to be in charge of everything, just what she considers important; which is usually what guys don't care about- external relationships. My daughter got me a Father Day's card that said, "Do I look like people person?" I believe that the most important part of a FLR is communication. I found out that my wife really likes to get her way (just because) and she learned that humiliation will send me into throwing hand grenades (because I can). There was a blog that said, there are no rules, just desires.

    If I may make a recommendation, start buy finding a time to talk. In my case it was when we are going to sleep. Do NOT lie, but walk that dog really slow. If she wants to challenge you, do NOT get defensive. Bare your soul- in time. But if she pushes, then tell the truth- "I am telling you the most embarrassing feature of who I am." If she uses it against you, well, you have problems that have nothing to do with FLR.

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  16. Thank you. That's sound advice. Actually, we may be part way there. She's spanking me a fair amount (because I like it too). So, if the spanking part is the embarrassing feature, that horse is way out of the barn. Last night she remarked that my pain tolerance was pretty high because I was knowingly pushed her a bit to go harder.

    We used to say that she's in charge in the house, and I'm in charge outside of the house. It was kind of in jest, but it was also kind of true. A lot of that has to do with the fact that I'm a pretty big, alpha male kind of guy, and she's had some really bad and extremely dangerous life experiences. So, I think she likes feeling of security and safety when I take charge when were out.

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  17. When we're out in public, I'm even more in charge, if that's possible. Husband is a quiet person by nature, and I'm not. So, one of his rules is that I order for him, he's not to talk to waitstaff. So, he doesn't even make eye contact. Most of the waitstaff respect it...some even fall to discussing him with me, and I love that.

    The only thing in public he takes care of is filling my car with gas, which he handles. But that doesn't really involve dealing with people.

    Husband is definitely a big, weight lifting kind of guy...but he's also the submissive our relationship...for now. Still 2 more months to go of our trial. It's been a six month trial.

    Gina

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