Thanks for all the input on our "tears" and "immediate consequences" topics. On the former, it's hard to say that any general pattern emerged. Some men cry and some don't. For those who do, some but not all found it much easier to do after the first time. In terms of the formula, the only general truth seems to be that the physical pain is not enough, and may not even be a particularly significant component for some. I did get the sense, rightly or wrongly, that just as I seem to be an anomaly where lack of early interest in spanking is concerned, I also may be on the fringes where this combination of fascination and dread of tears is concerned. As I said in the post, my original attraction to, yet terror at the prospect of, really sobbing during a DD spanking was by far the most emotionally charged driver of my compulsion to suggest this lifestyle to my wife. Here we are ten years later, and it still hasn't happened. If part of the goal of DD is submitting to her authority, I do feel like part of me is still failing to do that if I can't give in and cry. But, we will I suppose just have to see what time brings.
The discussion did highlight that for most people, "immediate consequences" following a disciplinary infraction is the preference, though one that is hard to achieve. Particularly for those with kids around. I am convinced that the presence of children, or lack thereof, is one reason that one of our polls showed the DD population tilted so heavily toward the over-50, post child-rearing crowd. Something I had not really thought about was whether it was possible to build in an incentive for the disciplinarian to take things in hand quickly, then Ed described the 24-Hour Rule in his household, in which his wife either delivers the spanking within 24 hours or he is off the hook. That sounds to me like a step in the right direction.
I am still finding myself a little uninspired when it comes to new and original weekly topics. Now that we have a few years under our belt, I need to go back to some of the early stuff and do some recycling. This week's topic, however, is something that may not be totally original since we've touched on this theme a bit before, but it was suggested by one of our regular commenters and has not really been done as an independent topic.
The topic is, has your DD relationship changed significantly from the original vision and goals?
For us, while many things have stayed the same, there have undoubtedly been surprises along the way. Especially the last year.
It's hard to say that we really had a vision for DD when we started. We didn't even really know what it was. I had never heard of anything like it before I encountered the DWC website. So, all I really knew was I wanted to try something like "that," whatever "that" was. For her, I think she was genuinely attracted to something that gave her a means of exercising more control, venting some frustrations, and exacting some penance. Of course, the overarching goal was for me to have an incentive to behave better. Beyond that, we really had no idea exactly what we were getting into. One thing that is reasonably clear, however, is there was no explicit goal to have a much broader power exchange. Yes, we wanted to help build up her authority and confidence, but it was all very centered on this central idea of spanking as punishment for particular behavior. Very much like how Fred characterizes his relationship.
Over the last year, that limited vision began to morph into something different. It really began, I think, when this blog started getting some participation from Disciplinary Wives who had taken that next step into "Head of Household" status. Their descriptions of the level of control they exercised reinforced my own deep-seated needs to have boundaries imposed. I think DD does that, but in the form we were doing it the emphasis was really on the consequences for crossing a line, and not so much about how and by whom the line gets set in the first place. The "rules' that we had in place--those things that would result in a spanking--were something we both agreed on, and often something I suggested. But, an HoH system goes beyond that. It is about not just enforcing the rules, but actually making them.
Interactions with our strong Disciplinary Wives, and especially with one FLR blogger, Rhiannon at http://learningandlivingaflr.blogspot.com led me to start pondering the possibility of expanding from Domestic Discipline into something like an FLR/HOH relationship.
Angela and I talked about it and have taken baby steps in that direction over the last year. It has not been easy, and there is definitely an aspect of "be careful what you wish for, you might get it" in this experimentation. The most conspicuous example of that is around what I call "service domination," where she can, and to my chagrin increasingly does, direct me to do more chores around the house and things of that nature.
It's not the chores themselves that bother me. I've always been pretty good about carrying my weight on things like that. It really is being ordered to drop what I am doing (frequently work) and respond to some impromptu command to bring in the groceries, or take out the trash, etc. The irony is I suggested that she start doing that kind of commanding, but once she did, I hated it. Unfortunately, she did not. She kind of gets off on it, and it is the one aspect of our FLR-related vision that has really taken root. Therein lies the challenge, of course, in implementing a real change in the power relationship and in designating a real Head of Household. It creates an actual hierarchy of decision-makers and, if you are the person at the lower level in the hierarchy, you do what you are told regardless of whether you enjoy it.
In fact, you may be doing it precisely because you don't like it, because submission that is easy really isn't submission and the goal is to force you to stretch to submit in situations you don't like. I'm learning that is the hard part for me -- taking orders from someone. Angela has, in fact, spanked me for not doing dishes. But, it was not the spanking itself that was the hardest part to take. Rather, it was the order to do something that was more of a priority for my HoH than it was for me, and recognizing that now that we appointed her HoH it is her priorities that count and not my own.
So, with that every long-winded account of how our goals and vision have changed, how about yours?
Have a great week. And, go Broncos!