Saturday, December 19, 2015

The Forum -- Vol. 117 -- Labels



Hi all. Welcome to this week's edition of the Disciplined Husband's Forum, our weekly gathering of men and women who are practicing or curious about a Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationship.

I hope you all had a great week.  I can really feel 2015 winding down.  It has been one of the busiest, if not THE busiest year I have had in my adult life.  It has been a roller-coaster start to finish and, for the most part, that is really good.  But, in all honesty, I am not unhappy to feel the pace slow a little as the holidays come upon us.  I hope you all also have had a great year, and one of the highlights of mine has been the weekly conversations with you all.

In addition to the frenetic pace, 2015 was a year of transformation, both personally and in terms of my DD relationship.  As I have talked about a bit in past posts, we have been practicing DD for close to a decade, but the overall dynamic really didn't change much over that time.  Corporal punishment was used for offenses, but that was really the extent of the exchange of power and authority.  That changed this year, and it was really the result of this growing little community.  My interaction with commenters and bloggers who were in Female Led Relationships involving a more substantial transfer of authority got me interested in going down that path, and while we are not very far along it yet, there has been progress.

With this change in the underlying nature of our relationship and, to some extent, the focus of this blog, has come more interactions with people who are in more classical Dominance and submission relationships.  While what they are doing is similar to what we have always talked about on this blog, the vocabulary is a little different.  When describing the roles in DD, I have tended to use labels like Disciplinary Wives and Disciplined Husbands, and I still feel like the latter is a good descriptor for what I am.  But, I am increasingly engaging with people who use more D/s style labels.  Dominants.  Submissives.  Tops.  Bottoms.  TIHs.  Many of the "subordinate" parties, for lack of a better word, have adopted the label Submissive.  I'm not there yet, and part of me really rebels at that label, even though it is increasingly where I have chosen to try to take the relationship.

All this is very long-winded way of asking, what terms or labels do you use to describe your role?  Are you a Dom, a submissive, a Leader, a Disciplinary Wife or Disciplined Husband?  Also, do you have a name or title you use with your significant other?  Ma'am, Mistress -- something like that?

I hope you all have a very, very happy holiday!

Dan

35 comments:

  1. I'm a disciplined husband and must refer to her as ma'am when over her knee.

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  2. I'm in a 58 year old man in a FLR with my girlfriend. I address her as Ma'am most of the time when practical. I am disciplined when She feels it is needed.

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  3. I am a loving, acknowledged, collared, devoted, dutiful husband in a Wife Led Marriage. As such I am also a disciplined husband.

    Labels are a funny thing and mean different things to different people and too often people are clamoring to precisely fit a mold of something they hope to be defined as.

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    1. I wholly agree labels can be misused. The particular label issue I am struggling with is almost the opposite of the problem you identify. I sem to be moving toward something that fits fairly neatly within the traditional "submissive" label, yet I feel a very visceral resistance to that particular label.

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  4. I forgot to mention ... Merry Christmas to you Dan!

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  5. I'm her caged boy and I refer to my wife as "Mistress" and her favorite response is Yes Mistress. Merry Christmas and a Spanking New Year. John

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  6. I am simply a husband that both needs and wants spankings. My wife has been spanking me now for about 10 years and is getting better at it all the time, meaning the spanks with a paddle or wooden spoon or crop are more painful. we recently celebrated our 32nd wedding anniversary and she told me that she wished she had gone along with my requests at the beginning of our marriage for her to spank me. I asked why she hadn't and she thought it weird. So probably 20 years of our marriage without her spanking me were missed, but we are making up for it now. better late than never.
    Baxter

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    1. Better late than never is right! Have a great holiday, Baxter!

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  7. We’ve a very simple and straightforward discipline relationship. Neither of us see me as submissive or her as dominant. As far as we’re concerned we’re equal with equal respect for each other but with her having the job of disciplining me.
    We don’t intentionally label things or use obscure words or names but she’s as likely to say "you go upstairs and get yourself ready" as "it’s time for your caning". I’m not expected to address her as Ma’am, Mistress or the like so I don’t but it's her alter ego that administers the caning and not as some kind of role play but a way of getting over the difficulty she has in caning and hurting me. She psyches herself to be her other self, changing into clothes she only ever wears for a caning and that she says she’d not be seen out in and adopting her middle name that we do use in the punishment room. We've also used it a few times when we've been out with friends and she’s wanted to remind or advise me of an appointment but that's rare.
    It probably sounds unexciting but that’s because it’s meant to be very simple, staid and functional.

    Dave

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    1. Hi Dave. It's interesting that she uses her middle name during punishment. I had not thought about people using alternative names or alter egos. That's a really interesting approach.

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    2. Hi Dan, it's not using her middle name that matters but her having the other persona that is associated with it. It gets her to where she has to be to administer punishment. At all other times she is her usual self including the times my reviews and discussions about discipline.

      Dave

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    3. This sound very practical to me and something that might be worth trying for couples having problems getting or keeping a DD relationship moving forward.It also suggest there may be many women VERY comfortable disciplining a male, but need to step outside their daily persona to make it work. We don't use the middle name but once discipline starts I revert to addressing her as Ma'am and she seems to evolve into a firmer,and stricter person than the women I live with every day.
      Alan

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  8. I'm a 60 year old male. My partner is eight years younger. We are equal partners in most aspects of our relationship except that she disciplines me and I must refer to her as Mistress at all times where practical. Mistress has certain rules which she expects me to follow and I'm punished for my failings. In terms of labels I'd say she is my disciplinarian and I am her submissive - and we live a female-led relationship as much as it it is practical to do so.

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  9. My wife spanks me when I deserve it -and she uses a number of "tools" according to the seriousness of my transgressions- but, while this may qualify as DD, we never use that term (nor am I required to call her 'Ma'am' or 'Mistress'). I am, however, expected to apologize and (in most cases) to thank her for punishing me "as I deserved". A spell of (bare-bottomed) "corner time" may follow, as she sees fit...

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  10. In daily life we most often use pretty typical terms of endearment. When it comes to our FLR and I am being disciplined I usually refer to her as Ma'am, but here it is mainly a term of respect as she is a southern girl. Outside of discipline or questions regarding my behavior I don't usually use that label, as she likes us to use mainstream terms. However, make no mistake she is in charge whenever and wherever she wants to be.

    --Easy

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    1. Hi Easy. This is very similar to our arrangement

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  11. Labels can be fun thing in the dynamic of power exchange. My wife teases me about being a wimp or a sissy. During a discipline session she insists i refer to her as Ma'am

    To the couple of friends that know about our relationship I am a submissive husband

    As to who is in charge she listens to and values my opinion but at the end of the day the choices are hers to make. FOR female led relationship

    Enjoy Xmas folks

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    1. Hi iruser. Thanks for the comments. If I may ask, how does her calling you a "wimp" or a "sissy" affect you? Given my Alpha tendencies, I have a feeling those labels might make me less prone to submit. Not criticizing, just saying how I think I might personally react to it.

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    2. Being teased with names like that is embarrassing and humiliating. Especially if done in front of our friends that know about how we live.

      There is however that slightly (a lot?) Twisted part of me that likes feeling that way. I'd be lying if I said it didn't turn me on.

      You talked about female domination vs domestic discipline. Our DD is part of a female domination relationship. Use of names like that is part of the fun.

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    3. Got it, and I can understand how it could work that way. I have real "issues" with being embarrassed by anything. But, maybe that shows that I need to work on that by being subjected to it. I'm kind of all about taking the things I hate or fear and subjecting myself to them. Growth only happens outside the comfort zone.

      Dan

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    4. Interesting post here, as my Wife has been slowly ramping up the use of terms like "panty boy" and "sissy" here, too. (Quick backstory is after 20 years of marriage, she finally caught me dressed, defeating all my redundant protections that had worked well).
      Dan, I too am hyper-aware about any embarrassment in front of friends, etc. Once, she told a couple of friends that i'd painted her toenails that day. You could see the look on their faces. I quickly tried to downplay it (and Wife helped), but it was quite a moment. More recently, i was drinking and jokingly called Wife a "wino" at Her sisters. Well, She did not care for the joke. She didn't tell me until later that She told her sister i was going to "get it" when we got home. i do think She didn't go further than that, but admit to a few moments of doubts (one of the posters elsewhere told me She almost certainly told her sister more). Anyway, just a couple events in a number of years, but they certainly keep me on my toes! sara

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    5. Sisters undoubtedly share a lot. How would it make you feel if she knew?

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  12. Our lifestyle is exactly what you would expect for a vanilla couple. I am definitely the leader and decision maker on all things with one exception. That exception is my wife has total control in correcting any disciplinary lapses I have for violating rules we both agreed on that I should be punished for. When that time comes, if we are at home, she will state in a determined voice, "you just earned yourself a paddling, get yourself ready now". If we are in public she will quietly let me know by grabbing my arm and saying we will discuss this later. I know exactly what that means and if I've been out of line I try to correct myself immediately. In either case I am paddled as soon as possible after the violation. We don't wait for a certain time or day for a paddling to occur as we have no children at home and we both agreed punishment is more effective as close as possible to the violation. Being in the mood or not is not relevant, it is going to happen. Before I am positioned, my wife will tell me exactly why I'm going to get paddled and ask me if I agree. I know the rules, agreed violations should be punished, and I will tell her I agree and am sorry. She will then tell me what position I should assume, and I follow her instructions. She determines the severity of the paddling and/or strapping. When it is over I apologize again and we go right back to our vanilla lifestyle with the behavior forgiven and ending with a hug. We don't have corner time, just corporal punishment. We use our own first names. My wife never acts like a superior, but she clearly displays the ability to be an effective disciplinarian when discipline is warranted. The disciplinarian nature of our relationship is strictly private between us only.
    I am the one who suggested my wife discipline me for reasons cited in earlier posts. My wife agreed my behavioral indiscretions deserved to be punished, we discussed the rules I would follow ( and there were many I hadn't realized were upsetting to her),she would determine the severity of the punishment, I would accept her decision on severity and positioning, we both agreed consistency was important to ensure improvement, and I would take whatever paddling and/or strapping she thought was necessary to correct that misconduct.
    I keep my nose clean most of the time, but when I do regress my wife doesn't hesitate to do her job. I like everything about our relationship except the pain when it is happening, but it has really worked well for both of us. We no longer have fights, silent treatment, or building resentment. I therefore think I am a properly disciplined husband, nothing more, nor do I want more.

    Fred

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    1. Hi Fred. I am a big believer in going with whatever works. Sounds like your form of DD works great for both of you.

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    2. Fred, your relationship sounds very similar to ours and like yours, works well for us too.

      Dave

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    3. Fred it sounds like a very effective discipline regime. Would be very interested to hear some of the rules you are required to follow. gk

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  13. Must control temper(very serious if wife is recipient).
    Demean or criticize wife (on golf course or in public -very serious)
    Must be considerate.
    Must be nice to wife's friends (including some I don't like)
    Must not dominate conversations when with others
    Must limit alcohol to two drinks when out.
    Must not drive after drinking more than two drinks.
    Must treat wife and other respectfully.
    Must go to the gym at least twice each week.
    Must not start smoking again.
    Must not interrupt wife while talking on telephone.
    Must do specific chores around the house.
    Must listen to wife when she wants to talk to me.
    Must not treat wife like a secretary.
    Must not drive unsafely or too fast when with wife, family or friends.
    Must never be critical of own children when with others.
    Must not be overly negative or grumpy especially if it affects wife or others.
    Behavioral indiscretions that I should know better than engage in.

    There are others, but these are probably the most important. The rules are added/amended every so often at the request of either party, but changed only by agreement.

    My wife has the authority to interpret these rules and determine the penalty. I can make my defense, but after listening to me her decision stands. In most cases my guilt is clear and unambiguous and I admit my guilt.

    Perhaps rules should be a separate topic in the future.

    Fred
    .




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  14. I think she is a Disciplinary Wife and I am a Disciplined Husband. With us it is not about dominant or submissive - or at least I think. I am no more submissive to my wife that a student is to a teacher, a private is to an officer, or an employee to a boss. It is more a matter of hierarchy and authority - just as in the 3 cases mentioned above. You could say that she is the dominant, but that I am still not the submissive.

    I don’t ever address her as Madam or Mistress. Sometimes, when I get into just a little bit of trouble, I am put on 24 hour probation in order to give me a chance to self correct myself (usually for back talk or some smart mouth comment). During this time I must respond “Yes, Ma’am”, “No Ma’am” and must address her by her married surname (Mrs Holder). This probation period is ways after a Level 1 (mild) offense, as opposed to a Level 2 (more severe) offense. Level 2 always results in an immediate paddling in addition to other possible punishments. However, during the probation period you could say that she maintains a real "hair trigger" policy with her paddle.

    Carl H

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  15. Hello again. Like you, I find the term "submissive" when directed at me, very abrasive. My wife called me that once not long ago talking to one of her friends on the telephone. It was very unsettling, but as I wasn't supposed to be there to hear her say that, I had to pretend it was nothing. Grrr!

    To the heart of your query though, I am not required to address my wife in any particular way so long as I afford her all due respect. The thing is, she could command such a thing, and I would comply, but in the end, is that a true measure of one's dominance? Not truly. No matter how it is achieved, I have come to understand true mastery is not in a title at all.

    Having said all of that, I'll admit I will gladly stoop to any level in order to avoid being spanked, and that will include choosing to address her with honorifics if I feel it will help my cause in the slightest. For that matter, now that I think of it... As abrasive as it is, I will call myself a submissive all day and all night if I don't have to get spanked!

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