Saturday, November 28, 2015

The Forum -- Vol. 115 -- Trust, but Verify

Hi all.  Welcome back to the Disciplined Husbands Forum.  Our weekly gathering for those practicing or interested in in Domestic Discipline and Female Led Relationships.

For those of you in the U.S., I hope you had a great Thanksgiving.  These long weekends are somehow never quite long enough, are they?

Last week, we dealt with the topic of "asking for it."  While many couples have apparently built asking for a spanking or punishment into their relationships, others have not.   There seemed to be two reasons offered by the "no asking" crowd.  First, some believe that asking for or suggesting punishment undermines her authority.  Second, a somewhat surprisingly large number didn't ask for a very simple reason -- they didn't want to get spanked!  For this group, spanking clearly is punishment and not something they have any desire to seek out. 

This reminds me a little of when I was growing up, in a part of the country where corporal punishment was the norm in schools.  For many of us, the rule handed down by our parents was, "If you get a spanking at school, you can expect to get it even worse when you get home."  That kind of duplicative  retribution placed a big emphasis, of course, on trying to hide the evidence of the original crime and its school-based consequences.  The school would send the student home with a note, which often mysteriously vanished on the way.  Yet, somehow, it was rare that the parents didn't find out through some alternative route.

They say confession is good for the soul, yet it is clear from last week's discussion that a significant number of our readers are not going to voluntarily own up to bad behavior.  I have certainly been guilty of this myself, on many occasions.  So, this week's topic is, what mechanisms have our disciplinary couples put in place to monitor bad behavior?  Self-reporting has its limits, but have you taken steps to formalize it in some way to root out evidence of the offense?  What else do you do beyond self-reporting?  Monitor credit cards?  Check emails and text messages?  Use apps like "Find my Friends" to check up on where the disciplined party is hanging out?  Cultivate relationships with friends or co-workers who will tattle?  Finally, what happens if the Disciplinarian finds out about a lack of full disclosure?

Have a great weekend! 

Dan

23 comments:

  1. Interesting topic my friend. Mistress K. has never had any desire to "monitor" my behavior in anticipation of discovering that I had lied, or in some other way, mis-behaved. She believes in having the expectation that I am an adult, I know what to do within my duties and obligations as her husband, and I am expected to fulfill those obligations. When she discovers the areas in which I am not perfect, or not perfectly executing on her expectations, she deals with it then.

    Yes, of course I have rules and those rules are to be strictly adhered to, but Mistress believes that having an expectation that I intend to break those rules, sets up our relationship to be non-trusting. Monitoring my behavior does so with the expectation of fault .... is what she believes.

    For me, I do wish that I was more closely monitored and held more accountable for failing to perfectly execute on Mistresses expectation. But, it doesn't matter what I want.

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    1. Thanks, SHIP. Your wife's attitude about the issue is apparently in line with some our other wives, as demonstrated below. I agree with you about want to be held more strictly accountable, though I don't really have a desire to be monitored. I would like to see a more formalized process for self-reporting and communicating, but not really monitoring.

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  2. Hello Dan,
    Active monitoring of behavior in my opinion is not desirable in an adult disciplinary relationship. To do so introduces more of a parent - child dynamic more suitable for role playing than real life. I do appreciate Jay confessing because it shows his growing sense of responsibility, so self monitoring is OK especially dealing with problem issues.Jay doesn't like to be spanked ( although he accepts the need for it) So there is no " topping from the bottom" going on. Confession is hard for him and so when he does it, that is a special moment. Other than that I am not a fan of monitoring.
    Marisa

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    1. Thanks, Marisa. I too see a distinction between self-reporting and monitoring.

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  3. Dan

    I agree with Marisa, in that I have no desire to monitor Peter like a child.
    More and more I find setting aside time, for us to review our day, usually
    it happens at bedtime. In the dark, before sleep, it is often easier for Peter
    to reveal a failure that he has had in our agreed upon rules of the home.
    I hasten to add there are times I have related to him one or many of my
    frustrations.
    In addition, I think it is important for the wife to pay attention to the many
    signals a husband gives off when something is amiss. If a punishment
    doesn't bring about a change in behavior then perhaps it is the wrong
    punishment.

    Anna

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    1. Hi Anna,

      When we discuss behavioral issues, it also tends to be in bed, and it is way easier in the dark. But, for that reason, I do feel a need to start having a more formal "sit down" session where I really have to look her in the eye as I report. I know it will be much more intimidating, but that is kind of what I need.

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    2. Hi Dan,
      This describes what our behavioral reviews are like.She usually has one or two "points" she wants to discuss either from the last review or that have come up since the last review.But I am encouraged to own up to anything I did that would have disappointed her. She expects me to confess any major misbehavior without prodding from her ( unauthorized masturbation and smoking are the big ones at this point and they are rare) But otherwise its a pretty relaxed conversation in which two people who love each other talk about ways to make the relationship stronger by improving my behavior and attitude, I am never punished the same day as the review and probably less than half of the time is there corporal punishment administered because of what came up in the review
      Alan

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    3. Dan
      After reading your response to Anna, I told her this morning that I agreed and would like to take a big step and begin making our " in bed in the dark" a more formal thing. I think having to look in her eyes as I report might, although it will for sure be much more intimidating, is what I need too. Thanks Dan
      this is an example of how this blog is so valuable. Thanks
      Peter

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    4. Hey Peter. That's great to hear! Please let me know how it works out. I know that if/when we implement it, it will be harder for both of us at first/ I say "if" only because we have talked about doing this, but it hasn't happened yet. But, hopefully soon.

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    5. Thanks, Alan. I twas your previous post on behavior reviews that really got me interested in in giving it a try. Thanks for the helpful input.

      Delete
  4. The majority of rules and expectations here are about things that would be obvious to Rosa, but there are a few that she would not be able to monitor even if she wished to. A failure in those things I would have to report, and it is our mutual expectation that I would.Most of what we are concerned with involves productivity and attitude....but those are things that require no monitoring....just compliance.

    I have read that some ladies use all sorts of things to monitor behavior......from checking computer history to hiring "babysitters" when they would not be around themselves.

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    Replies
    1. Babysitters? Wow. Haven't heard that one before!

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    2. Somewhat opening myself up to a different fetish when I role play at being a baby I am sometimes baby sat if my wife needs to go out for an extended period.

      We've never had baby sitters for part the disciplinarian side of our relationship however

      Delete
  5. Hi All,
    I've been looking for a DD relationship for 5 yrs now, with no luck. My Girlfriend isn't really interested. She's tried a couple times, but gave up. I cant get what I need. Any advice anyone could help with?
    Thanks

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    Replies
    1. I may not be of much help. Why did she give up -- just lack of interest? This may be a better one for some of the contributors who have been in multiple DD/spanking relationships.

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    2. Anonymous ....

      It seems like you are headed for a decision between wanting/needing a DD relationship, and your girlfriend, since it appears they will be mutually exclusive.

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    3. Tell us a little more about what transpired between you and why she gave up. I will take sub hub's observation a little further and note that someone looking for DD that long is never going to be long term fulfilled without it. Your girlfriend as well as you must understand your needs won't go away.
      Alan

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    4. She's not a dominate woman at all. She raised 4 kids 3 boys and NEVER spanked any of them. She wanted to understand my needs and tried a couple times, but her heart wasn't into it. Guess it's my loss... Been with her for 14 yrs and not going anywhere.

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    5. This is probably be easy for me to say, but I see DD as part of a relationship, not as the end all and be all. There are lots of things we give up to be in committed relationships. While it sucks to not always get what you want, if she really is not interested, and you obviously want to be with her, it sounds like DD may be something that just doesn't happen for you, unless she would be open to you seeing a professional or something along those lines. But, if not, my personal view is stick with the relationship -- DD is a desire, but so are cigarettes, other women and a whole bunch of other things I've been willing to give up for my current relationship.

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    6. I think you are wise to recognize the value you put on your relationship and keep communication open with her. The drive to " self actualize" DD is very strong in many and it won't go away. I am not sure I put it in the category of " cigarettes, other women " etc as Dan does, but I do believe you can suppress that part of your self to stay with the women you love. It's not altogether healthy but its probably the best option you have. Your experience is another good argument for having the " spanking" discussion often and early in a new relationship. Introducing spanking late is often too late.
      Alan

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    7. All the fun and frolic is icing on the cake that is being with my wife

      Delete
  6. Not on-topic but this might be a nice thing for the blog to have:

    http://helplogger.blogspot.co.uk/2012/03/recent-comments-widget-for-blogger.html

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Possibly, if only so I can have a "real time" visual of comments posted to older topics. On more than one occasion, I have gone to the Comments section and found that someone has posted inappropriate content as a comment on an older topic -- often a link to a commercial porn site.

      Delete

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