Saturday, October 10, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 108 - Correcting Small Things

Hello all.  I hope you had a great week and, for those of you who get the benefit of the Columbus Day holiday, I hope you enjoy the three-day weekend.

This blog focuses on disciplinary spankings.  Last week we talked a little bit about where we are spanked.  This week, let's focus again on "for what"?  When we first began our disciplinary relationship, it was focused on addressing larger issues and things that had a tendency to piss her off in a big way.  Drinking too much.  Giving her attitude.  Those kinds of things.  Until recently, she didn't use disciplinary spankings to address "smaller" issues.  Like dropping the ball on household duties.  As she gets more assertive, that is changing.  A few weeks ago, she texted me a picture of some pans I had left on a stove, having failed to clean up completely after dinner.  She voiced her displeasure.  A few days later, she texted me a picture of a rice-cooker that I had forgotten to clean several nights before.  This time, the picture was accompanied by a terse statement that I would be spanked that night.  And, she carried through on the threat that night, giving me a very thorough butt blistering.

This seems like a small incident in some ways, but it really impacted me in a much deeper way. It was the first time that she had really taken me to task not for something related to some larger failure in personal discipline, but for something that simply dipleased her or failed to live up to a standard she expected.  While minor in the scheme of things, it seemed like a fundamental turning point in our relationship, and a huge advance in her growth as a Female Leader.

Another recent example.  A week ago, I stayed up late watching a movie.  I got up the next morning and left to run some errands.  While I was out, I got a very angry text:

"You left the refrigerator door open last night!  Everything in it is spoiled!"

I replied with a heartfelt, "I'm sorry."

"Not nearly as sorry as your are going to be!" was her response.

And, once again, she carried out her threat, leaving me sore for several days.  Now, this one was not really a failure to do a chore or some task, but it was a very stern warning to pay attention or there would be consequences. 

So, how about you?  Are you spanked for simple screw-ups, like forgetting to do a household chore, or because some lack of attention or diligence lost some ? If not, do think that is something you would like to explore?

I also wanted to take a few minutes to thank some of our new commenters, including John, Ed, Carl, Dave and others. And, especially our new Disciplinary Wife contributors, including Dan and Holly.  Hope I didn't miss anyone.  Thanks to you all for your contributions, and welcome to our little club.

54 comments:

  1. Dan, you are not alone. while none of your examples might fall under our formal house rules, every one of those things would have probably resulted in a very similar punishment. Part of the reason we do this is to let Rosa work off the frustration she feels at certain things I do...or don't do. They may not be devastating lapses, but they are certainly enough to lead to a trip across her lap. One thing she hates is me forgetting to close the butter compartment, because she hates when she opens the door and the butter falls out. She has told me if it happens again, it will mean a spanking.

    I don't think there's anything trivial about these things though. I believe our women are right in feeling the frustration they do when they happen, and even if I try to make an excuse at the time, I know deep-down she is right.

    The other thing with us at least, is as I've said before, besides seeing spanking as an excellent tool for correcting behavior, Rosa likes doing it. Some of these smaller things give her an 'excuse'. Not that she needs one, but she herself prefers to have one. and with Rosa, some very small sounding things are very important. When we made up our very first edition of house rules, one of them clearly stated that leaving the shower diverter in the 'up' position was a spankable offence. I used to do it all the time, but she hated it, so when she moved in with me she wanted me to stop. After a few spankings, I never leave it up anymore. In fact, she is more likely to forget and leave it up than I am.

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    1. Thanks, KD. So far, my wife doesn't really admit to liking the spanking for spankings sake. She very much likes the control involved in ordering me to take one and watching me comply. The spankings for the kind of lapses you describe are, of course, very new to us. It will be interesting to see where this goes. Hope you're having a great weekend. BTW, love the entry you posed on your website regarding revealing your lifestyle to your mother. I admire your courage and openness.

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    2. Thank you, Dan. It was a bit scary at first, but my only regret now is that I hadn't had the courage to tell her sooner.

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  2. My wife decides what does - or doesn't - deserve a spanking, and I have no voice in the matter.

    L.

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  3. Has it occurred to you -- and is it within the conscripts of your agreements -- to do more than say your sorry? By that I mean, that when she texts, and you apologize, that your apology includes an clear recognition you should be spanked? TL

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    1. It depends on how you mean that. If she orders a spanking, I will usually acknowledge it with at least a contrite "Yes, Ma'am." But, no, I usually will not suggest a spanking for a particular failing, because the goal here is for her to take more control and not for me to be leading by telling her what I think she should do. The exception is where there is a pattern of letting me get away with things, and I will then point out that it would probably help us both if she tightened things up.

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  4. Hi Guys, I spank my husband for the little things so the aren't any BIG things. Not every little thing but enough so that he knows what he in store for if he really screws up. I am sure you boys are the same way and know what a spanking offense is. I hope they paddle your bottoms till the tears come and sitting is a ral problems. Jan

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    1. Hi Jan. At this point, I can't say I really do know what she sees as a spanking offense. Failing to do the dishes would not have been one a few months ago, but now it is. I am not, by the way, complaining about that. I think it is a good development that she is setting a higher bar, for the same reason you identify -- spanking for little things hopefully helps me become better disciplined and the bad big things don't happen as much.

      No tears for me yet. Getting closer, but none so far.

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    2. Tears are becoming more frequent because she is getting better at truly letting me know the emotional cost of my behavior on her, which makes me feel worse about the offense. Additionally she is learning to spank hard and to ignore my cries and the wffect on my bottom. She now totally subscribes to the idea tha spankings are supposed to hurt, and that it is ok (normal, or desirable even) to leave marks on my bottom that last a few days.

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    3. Hi Fred. I'm sure that feeling real guilt about the behavior helps bring about a state where tears might come easier.

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  5. Hi Dan,
    I think getting spanked for " little things" is a natural progression of a DD. ( although if you asked my wife she would not think of them as little.But there is no doubt she has become more strict as time goes by and things I did maybe five years ago would have me unable to sit comfortably for a week today. Part of this also is I rarely behave as I did in the beginning. There are some recurring problems she still deals with when they come up . But the point is most of them don't come up any more so she is free to expand her control.This is really an idea we first got from Aunt Kay's site when she suggested starting DD, you should list all the behaviors needing corrected and then start with the easy ones and work your way through the list. I might add that a lot of the things encompassing household responsibilities ( closing the refrigerator or taking out the trash weekly or keeping the dishes under control) have become big deals to her because they go to control and obedience. The longer we practice DD the more I understand it is about learning to obey her
    Alan .

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    1. Thanks, Alan. I think we made a mistake to some extent by focusing her disciplinary efforts on the "big stuff" that is harder to completely get rid of or that circumstances make it harder to control. And, I do think that focusing on the "little" things reinforces to her that she has the authority to disipline for anything she wants. So, it reinforces and helps internalize her feelings of authority and power.

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  6. I guess my wife and I differ from many of you. We entered DD to correct problems in my behavior (specifically things that irritated her). She put her list together and it included a lot of the little stuff (toilet seat up, chores, etc.) but the major stuff was temper tantrums, disrespect, embarrassing her, etc.). I didn't get spanked that hard for the little stuff, but it didn't take long for me to change habits and correct all of them. But if I embarrassed her in public or yelled at her I had a bruised behind. If I mess up on the little stuff (a rarity) I get a warning because my wife knows I have improved that part of my behavior, but do it again shortly after a warning I'll get a mild punishment spanking. That begs the question of what is a punishment spanking. In our case there are degrees. Small stuff maybe 25 swats. middle of the road stuff, maybe 50 to 100. Serious stuff, maybe 100 plus followed by 50 with a strap, especially for repeat offences. The other issue of a punishment spanking is they seem to very in intensity and length based on the recipients perception. In my case I get hard paddle swats at least two per second with no warm up in series of 50 with a few seconds for my wife to catch her breath before the next 50. At two swats per second I can't recover and the pain and burn builds to a point where I don't think I can take any more. That process can go on for a long time and eventually my butt numbs and I just take whatever else is coming. I have no idea what a punishment spanking is like for the rest of you. Maybe 35 swats with the strap is a punishment spanking for you with a little time to recover after each blow. In my mind there are degrees to punishment spanking that apply to each of us in terms of intensity and number and rule violations.. I only get paddled about three times a year and not for little stuff. So my wife is more tolerant of little stuff, but less tolerant of big violations, and I do my best to avoid the big violations. It might be interesting to learn what the wives and husbands think is a punishment spanking in terms of rule violation, intensity, etc.

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    1. Thanks, Anonymous. I agree that what exactly a "punishment" spanking is would be a good topic. If you don't mind, let's hold off on addressing it this week, as I think it makes a great independent topic, and I'd like to save it for that.

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  7. With my wife and I the situation is a little different, because during the course of the week I enjoy receiving and she giving lots of playful or titillating spankings small things and iritations are dealt with at these times, as I am over her knee getting spanked by hand she will say something like "Oh and by the way whilst you are here, this is to remind you of," and with a little laugh or chuckle she will spank me a bit harder for whatever it was, or I may get a few with the hairbrush enough to just sting, and it could be that all these extra spanks could add up to quite a few depending how many things I had done. But any major faults on my part are dealt with on the days when I get my PROPER spankings, and although she may start with her hand as a warm-up, once the brush comes into play she means business and tells me in no uncertain terms what I am being spanked for, and she will carry on spanking long and hard until she has decided I have been punished enough, and no amount of yelps, promises, begging or crying will have any effect on her until she has decided the job has been done.

    Hairbrushedhubby.

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    1. Sounds like mixing disciplinary spankings and "fun" spankings works for you. Thanks for sharing

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    2. Hi, what do you guys expect. You are getting punished for what I am sure is adolescent behavior. Robin was late 3 times this week. Well last night I put his tardy little bottom over my knee and spanked till the tears flowed as he beg for me to quit. After I had roasted his bottom he got to spend an hour in the corner. His sister stopped to visit and she got to see his well tanned bottom on display. Bet he will be on time tonight. Jan

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    3. You are, of course, right. For most of us, not getting spanked is firmly within our own control.

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  8. Dan
    At present the two main things that I will punish Peter for are 1) language in front of the boys. Peter when annoyed mostly when on phone with work will use language we both agree we don't want to hear coming out of the mouths of our boys. 2) reading or sending texts during family meals. These punishments are short, swift and are then forgotten. Anna

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    1. If reading was banned at our family dinner people, every member of my family would have a sore bottom! It is a bad habit, but we do it constantly.

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  9. I only get a spanking for major infractions. There are set rules that I am to follow as well as regular chores I am expected to perform on a regular and timely basis. When a violation occurs I am instructed to prepare for a punishment spanking ... get naked and await for her in the bedroom. Over her knee I go and I get a blistering.
    It seems that minor infractions are discussed and in some cases I am told that if it happens again I can expect to be punished. I am put on notice.

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    1. That sounds like a very reasonable approach

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    2. In my case, even a minor infraction may lead to my being turned over her lap for a bare-bottomed spanking. More serious breaches will be handled - as she sees fit - with whatever of her "tools" she thinks are "appropriate" (and there are quite a few of them!)...

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  10. Hello Dan,

    I do not spank for minor offenses although he can get a good scolding and some wall time if I am provoked. Spanking is not a last resort for me but its not a first resort either. I am consistent in what I spank for but he knows he will have a chance to show genuine contrition before his pants come down. This works for us I believe because all my spankings are major events that he simply wants to avoid.The fact that he fails to avoid a spanking means to me he is overdue. Also to be honest I think spanking too often would dull the effect.. So if he is a little late, or forgets a chore, he will probably get scolded but not a spanking unless I get attitude from him . That's really when the pants come down.They also come down of course for major offenses including deliberate disobedience, disrespect in public, untruthfulness of any kind or certain sexual behaviors I forbid.But these are anything but " little things" to me.
    Marisa .

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    1. Hi Marisa. It's a good point that spanking too often might dull the effect. What constitutes a "major offense" might also make an interesting future topic. Thanks!

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  11. I've just discovered this forum and, having been beaten yesterday evening, this thread re-awakened painful reminders of just a few hours ago. I hope you won't mind if I chip in with a few thoughts of my own.

    My wife will beat me for one of four reasons - repeated sloppiness, disobedience, insolence or when she believes that I am out of focus on her and that a spanking will prevent one of those from happening. Within those categories, there are many different offences. Some will seem small, some are much more serious. However, my wife does believe that zero tolerance of the smaller 'crimes' helps to ensure that the bigger ones don't occur.

    Yesterday my offence was to smoke a cigarette that was offered to me a drinks party. Not a big thing in itself, you may think, unless you take into account the fact that it represents disobedience of a specific instruction that I am not to smoke. Having decided that discipline is warranted, my wife likes to ensure that the punishment is sufficiently severe that the chances of her having to repeat it anytime soon are greatly reduced. There is no set number of strokes - she continues until either she sees that I am truly contrite (the appearance of tears, usually) or she judges that it will be uncomfortable for me to sit down for at least a couple of days.

    As this is the first beating I have had in a couple of months, it is fair to say that her strategy is working. I shall be doing my best to ensure that she doesn't feel a similar need for as long as possible.

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    1. With respect to the poster; I believe relationships like this have to be by mutual consent. The phrase beating here makes me cringe with connotations of not being consensual. The spanking may be as harsh as a beating but I still shudder.

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    2. Think you're worrying about semantics here, with all due respect. Beating, spanking - they're the same word for corporal punishment. In most female-led relationships, certainly in ours, the decision on whether to use the cane or the strap is entirely a matter for the woman. The man then falls into line - this is not a menu from which one can pick what one likes and discard those items that are less pleasing. Consenual has nothing to do with it, although I'm sure there's a place for domestic discipline by mutual consent as well. Whatever works for you.

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    3. Beating isn't a term I typically use to describe a spanking, BUT my wife does use it fairly frequently to describe what she intends to deliver.

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    4. My wife has a surprisngly large number of terms to let me know what's in store for me. Many of those refer to what she plans to use - e.g. "paddling" (with the hairbrush, the kitchen spoon, etc), "whipping" (with the martinet or the crop), "strapping" (with a leather belt), "flogging" (with a switch), or "caning" (with the rattan cane)... When a "spanking" is announced, it usually means she will be using her own hand (which, given her strong tennis-playing skills, can make me beg for mercy!)

      "Beating" is not a word she uses, but the outcome for me is invariably a very sore derrière!

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  12. A wink. A glimmer in the eye. Both will preface a spanking for a small offence that while not in the official agreement between the two of us we have agreed firmly falls into the bounds of what should and should not be considered appropriate behaviour / actions.

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  13. I'd love to tell you happened last week after my speeding citation if I can get this to publish. JR

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  14. The discussion has branched out some from the original question but we have had a " anytime, any place for any reason" rule in place for a long time. She never really enforced the " any place" part of it but she was firm on the " any reason"That was done to stop cold any arguing or protesting from me if she announced a spanking. She literally doesn't want to hear anything but " yes ma'am". before a spanking. Afterward I can make my case if I want to do so. But the strange thing is that before a spanking I can think of a dozen reasons its unnecessary but afterward I ( almost always realize she was right.
    Alan

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    1. We have the same rule - but with modulations.
      "Any time" means "when it's convenient" - and while I know what's in store, delivery may be delayed (which adds no small amount of anxiety)
      "Any place" - other than at home - means that a suitable location must be found, but there have been quite a few - out in the woods, in hotel rooms, and then some more...

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    2. For us its the " any reason " part that works best. In practice I very well know the reason in advance and its something we agreed on before I am ever spanked for it. But the any reason rule means that I can't ( and don't) challenge her. It seems harsh but she has NEVER abused it and it means she really does make the rules.
      Alan

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    3. The "reason" is the easiest notion to grasp... In fact, when I know I have committed some misdemeanor she has not discovered yet, I will often "volunteer" and fetch one of her favorite "tools" after lowering my trousers, so as to offer my derrière to what I know I deserve...

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  15. I'm not nearly as "nitpicky" as I used to be. Still, some things will set me off, no matter how inconsequential they might seem. Toilet seat up is one, but both Shilo and Rob seem to have learned that lesson well.

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    1. I admit I have never quite understood what the big issu is with the toilet seating being left up, though many women seem to share your annoyance with that one.

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  16. I have to say I agree with and my ways are pretty on par with Marissa's in the comments above. Now if my husband is getting consistent in a small infraction, behavior, attitude etc. he goes across my knee. For instance I hate looking for the car keys. Just put them back on the key rack dear! I'll tell him, ask him, let him know it's upsetting or annoying, warn him where I'm at with it and I may ask. "Do I need to spank you?" (Don't laugh. He once said "maybe" over a small issue he'd been repeating and ended up sitting on a cushion for nearly 3 days.)
    Next he leaves me no option and I definitely don't go lightly.
    Six months ago or so it was the key issue. I spanked and I spanked soundly! Only three days later he came home later than planned, dropped everything on the counter hurriedly in order to let the dog out and the keys fell in a partially open drawer. He didn't realize it and forgot he hadn't hung them up when putting everything else away. Next day I had an appointment and planned on using that car since our second was very low on gas. We looked, and looked and ..........looked. I took the second and had to speed to make it barely on time.
    Before I left I angrily told him, "Don't go anywhere as soon as I get back your getting beat!" He didn't dare make a peep. When I was on my way home I called him and got his vm. I let him know" I'd be there in about 30 mins, and when I got there he'd better be home! I wanted him at the garage door (inside door), with my hairbrush and not a stitch on!" HE opened the door for me as I was about to enter exactly as I'd instructed but looking extremely concerned. The brush in one hand the keys in the other. "I found them" he said. I took the brush, I took his wrist and told him hang onto them and don't let go, I'm giving you a beating. He tried to tell me how sore he was, how sorry he was and who knows what else. I simply continued re-iterating, "your getting a beating, I'm giving you a beating as I lead him to the sofa. I stopped, turned looking him squarely in the eye only inches from his face and calmly,sternly said "You're getting beat!" I pulled him down and did just that!
    I had to lock his legs and arm in place and it only took about 45-60 seconds of rapid fire, firm swats all over his butt and thighs to get him to tear up and get the point. He NEVER forgot to hang up the keys again ever since then. He was sore for a week due to a couple of small bruises which are a rarity. Two weeks later I let him know he was doing well so far (with the keys). I took off my belt, bared and bent him over for a reminder and it seems to have worked! Go figure. Amy

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    1. Hi Amy. That does sound like a lesson he is unlikely to forget! Thanks for sharing.

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  17. WOW!! That must have been a sight! Just what every wife needs when she gets home - a buck naked husband holding a hairbrush - you could have made him wait in the actual garage. Can you imagine opening that electric garage door with a girlfriend or two also in your car?

    Which brings me to a bigger point. To what extent are you husbands required to 'participate' in your punishment - such as in this case where the husband had to get naked and retrieve the implement? I think you method was very appropriate under the circumstances. However, my wife generally takes the opposite approach as she is a "full service disciplinarian". The only thing I am ever required to do is not resist her when she places metal handcuffs on my wrists. That effectively neutralizes my superior upper body strength and basically turns me into a large (185 lb) 10 year boy. By "full service", I mean that she takes care of retrieving the implement (wooden paddle), disrobing (usually bare below the waist) and positioning me (usually over her knee). More times than not, I do NOT get spanked when the restraints go on - even if some other punishment is dished out (corner time, lines, grounding), or none at all (but usually I am put on "24 hour probation" which requires my absolute best behavior). We do not engage in any sort of bondage for its own sake, the wrist restraints are purely for the purpose of making her the unquestioned marital disciplinarian.

    Carl H

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  18. I firmly believe a naughty boy should participate both physically and mentally in their punishment. This is important for changing behavior, adjusting attitude and creating a disciplinary ambiance. Simply spanking an adult male isn't effective unless you fully engage them mentally and emotionally in what is happening. So Jay usually must bring me brush or other instrument I will use. He must stick his bottom out after every stroke. He must fully describe what he did and must sincerely ask to be spanked for it.as well as sincerely thank me after.If there is corner time he must tell me what he is going to do to avoid another spanking. Most important I expect full cooperation and compliance throughout the discipline. Any attitude at all will earn him a second or even third spanking.
    Marisa.

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  19. Marissa, you are an inspiration! anna

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    1. Dear Anna,
      You are making me blush. It was your early posts that inspired me
      Marisa

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  20. In our relationship there can be spankings for the small things. I try my best to follow the rules, sometimes I slip up or get bold and push the limits. Those are clear violations. I'd actually rather be spanked for the little things than to have her be irritated or hurt and let it slide. In fact, when she occasionally will say something like "I probably should spank you for that..." but she doesn't follow through I see it as a lost opportunity to "hit the reset button"on the problem. Sometimes she struggles with what I should be punished for and what to let slide. I encourage her to go with her instincts, but she still struggle with it. Feeling like she is being unfair or a 'bitch" about things can sometimes stop her from following her instincts. We both think that as our relationship goes on she will be more comfortable with those decisions and act more often rather than question her decision. In that respect I dare say that the actions on the small things, the ones that make the love of my wife feel disrespected in any way, are the ones that a spanking can help the most to solve. --Easy

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    1. Hi Easy. I think those feelings of "being unfair" or being perceived as a "bitch" are a major, major impediment for many women. I agree with you 100% that most disciplinary marriages would proceed so much more smoothly if the disciplinary wives would jusst trust their instincts.

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  21. There is no better time for me to answer this because I’ve just been caned for unacceptable behaviour last night.
    Every second Thursday of the month I go to London for a meeting and have it down to a fine art that if I leave a few minutes before 5 o’clock I’ll get across London and on the train that gets in just in time to catch the bus to our house so I'm home for just after 7:30. Yesterday though, I met a colleague I’d not seen for a couple of years and so we went for a quick pint and catchup after work. Now one thing I always do if I’m going to be late is call home so don’t ask me why I didn’t this time. One thing led to another and the next I knew was it was 10 after 8 and I’m still in London. To cap it all, my phone was still in silent mode so I’d missed a couple of calls and a text asking where I was. When I did call home, she was not angry in fact she doesn’t do angry, but sounded distraught and so I got to the London station and called her with the time I was due in and bless her, she said she’d pick me up at the station and save me the bus ride home.
    I knew I’d be punished and I deserved it but when I got in the car she said it was too late and she too mixed up emotionally with worry to be rational with me so it would wait until tonight and so after discussing it over dinner and clearing away, I was then caned.
    She’s not into half measures and there was no holding back tonight but she is always very fair with me and I only ever get punished for real issues such as last night. There’s never any trumped up charges and minor things are bunched together and dealt with as maintenance. My bottom feels like a freshly ploughed field with some of the sore weals that will last weeks but at least I know I’ve paid for what I did and glad of it because we can both forget it and move on and that’s the great thing about FLR.

    Dave

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    1. Hi Dave. That would have undoubtedly gotten me spanked soundly, too.

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  22. Hi Dan, I do most of my work from home but my wife has to go to the office leaving me with a list of things to do or get! When she comes home after a bad day there ,,she comes storming in sounding off about it all!
    I try to be helpful suggeating she sits down and bring her a drink etc and to relax! However she then decides to see if I have done everything on her list and walks around to inspect the chores I have done. She can be very critical over things not done to her liking ,or if I bought a wrong item ! I then respond by saying she is being unfair and then if she ccntinues, I tell she is making a 'mountain out if a mole hill ,darling '! I just cannot help myself and regret it straight away !Last time she responded by sending me for for her cane and ,snapping back' welI I will add a few ridges to your bottom ',! ! I had dinner standing up ,after about 15 sharp cuts! M.

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    1. Hi M. Yes, talking back to a pissed off Disciplinary Wife is seldom a good idea

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    2. I have long since learned not to "talk back" - and the few times I did earned me such sharp doses of her riding crop (once under the eyes of her sister) as to persuade me that I must unquestoningly accept whatever punishment she deems "appropriate".
      I have discovered, as a result, that my submitting usually results in somewhat milder punishment - as long as I remember to thank her on my knees and to kiss her hand after she has delivered the chastising she feels I deserve.

      L.

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  23. M- your comment resonates. My Wife often will come home frustrated about work people or things, too.i try to get Her to mellow out. Often I'll try to change the subject by asking Her questions. But, if She catches wind of my not paying attention, then some of the wrath starts to be directed at hapless me.
    sara

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