Saturday, August 22, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 102 - Fetish

Hi all.  Welcome back to the Forum -- our weekly discussion group on Domestic Discipline and Female Led Relationships.  I hope you all had a great week.

This week's topic extends from one of last week's comments,  it's probably something we have covered a bit before.  Unfortunately after two and a half years of blogging about a single overarching theme, it's getting increasingly hard to think of a truly original topic.  But, let's give this one a try and see if, given all the new contributors, we can do something different with it.

This week's question is, to what extent is your domestic discipline or FLR relationship motivated by a fetish for spanking?  Is spanking a tool you use to serve the higher purpose of imposing discipline and correcting bad behavior, or is all the talk of a higher purpose really just a gloss imposed on what is really a deep seated need for a good bottom warming?

I do reject the notion that I personally have a spanking fetish per se, at least to the extent that a fetish typically involves some long-standing compulsion or interest.  I realize I seem to be an exception, but I really don't think I ever once thought about adult spankings, whether erotic or disciplinary, until I was in my late thirties.  I'm very confident that I didn't have a fetish for F/m domestic discipline, as I had never even heard of the concept until I saw a reference to the Disciplinary Wives Club.  Now, I do admit that I found that reference while looking for spanking-related material, but we had only recently began incorporating some playful spanking into our erotic relationship and it was really just something to spice things up.

So, how much of your interest in domestic discipline is really motivated by a desire to be spanked, versus a need to be subject to other authority, a desire to be led by your wife, or some other factor?

Have a great week.

32 comments:

  1. Hi Dan,

    Will try to comment on the question later but meanwhile if coming up with topic is becoming difficult why don't you run a "special edition" some week that asks for well thought out topics. Maybe especially from disciplinary wives. If the wives don't want to participate directly and many apparently don't including mine maybe the disciplined husbands could ask them for a topic.I don't think we are as male oriented as in the beginning but men still dominate most of the discussions.
    Alan

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    1. Hi Alan. I've asked for topics in the past and probably should again.

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    2. Dan, I'm new here so don't know if it's already been aired but and I touched on it in a recent posting, my partner needs an alter ego to actually punish me and I've often wondered if that's unique in some way. I can put something together if it helps.

      Dave

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  2. Dan
    Definitely not a fetish but an agreement of me conforming to a set of standards and behaviours and she enforcing them and upholding me to them and she's dedicated to it. I hate the punishment but I'm all for her having the authority over me.

    Dave

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    1. Thanks, Dave. My own position is a bit different. I hate the authority more than I hate the punishment. Between the two, taking a spanking is much easier than learning to obey someone else's authority. But, it's always a work in progress.

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  3. I'm not really sure I have a spanking fetish. When I was young kids were spanked in school and at home and I witnessed many of them and received a few myself. Bottom line if you got a bad report card, got into a fight, didn't listen, you got spanked.

    I don't know if that stuck with me when my wife and I were seriously considering a divorce. Neither of us wanted a divorce, but things had to change. I recognized that most of the issues driving us apart were my fault and building resentment over the many years of marriage. I knew I had been selfish, inconsiderate, moody, had a shot fuse, and I was impulsive and undisciplined. It was clear to me I had to change. Going to the internet inputting the word discipline for husbands I came across the DWC. It made perfect sense to me. I showed it to my wife and told her I probably needed this, she read it, and she agreed that It might just work. We agreed on things I would be disciplined for, if violated I would accept without fuss whatever spanking/paddling she deemed appropriate for the offense and the importance of consistency. Although I am still the leader in our relationship, she has complete authority over my behavior, discipline and punishment. It has really worked for us, but I don't think it has anything to do with a fetish. I dread her paddling's and do my best to avoid them, and we are both happier for it and have bonded together in ways I never thought possible. I am not paddled often, but yesterday I was. She calmly told me I had been inconsiderate, explained how and told me to get prepared to be paddled. She used a cherry wood paddle and when it was over my backside was swollen and bruised. I'm still sore with a few bruises remaining. Was there anything at all that I liked about it. Only the fact that I got what I knew I deserved, removed the guilt I had for being inconsiderate, and a
    wake up call to follow the rules I had agreed to. I try to avoid being paddled so I don't think I have a spanking fetish. When I know I'm going to "get it" I sometimes wonder why I agreed to this. For me it is punishment. But, it has made me a much better husband, a much happier wife, and a much happier life. I hate the paddling's, but notwithstanding, I wish I had given my wife this authority from day one of our marriage. We have a very good life now, but we could have avoided a lot of pain and disappointment in the early years of our marriage had we agreed to my being disciplined by her whenever she thought I needed it.

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    1. Anonymous, thanks so much for the thoughtful comment. I think you and I must have grown up in the same area of the country. Spanking was just part of the background. Thanks also for sharing the personal example of a disciplinary spanking earned and delivered. I hope you continue to participate in our discussions.

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  4. I do have a bit of a spanking fetish in the sense that I've always been drawn to it. But now it goes beyond that and is truly used to correct errant behavior. Spanking is only one of the tools used in my discipline, though.
    Has a topic ever been done about other ways wives punish their husbands? There are times I wish I were spanked as some of the other methods my wife employs are far worse, at least in my mind.
    Thanks for the great discussion!

    --R

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    1. R, We have done a topic on alternative punishments in the past, but it's worth repeating at some point. I may wait a while longer on this one, as we did it just a few months ago. But, I agree with you -- there are lost of methods of punishment and soem probably at least as effective as spanking.

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    2. Thanks! I need to find that post. I'm curious of the ways others use.

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    3. Take a look at Volume 73, from January of this year. Unfortunately, it really was not that helpful in generating ideas or feedback for specific alternative punishments. Instead, there seemed to be a fairly strong consensus in favor of using spanking exclusively.

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  5. I long ago stopped trying to determine if I had a spanking fetish. I do know that as a boy I seemed to only follow rules when there were punishments for breaking those rules. I recall as a teen being very moody and my dad would give me a hard wallop on my behind and order me to ' snap out of it '.
    It was really only when I saw our boys beginning to mimic my bad behavior towards wife and rules in general that led us to marriage therapy.What I do know is that spanking seems to be a method of releasing tension in the home and in so doing have gained great respect for the job that Anna does. A few times a year I tend to go way over the line and I would not describe it as a spanking but as punishment that leaves reminders for days after. I would not be completely candid if I didnt admit that even the more often spankings seem to bring me back to the center.

    Peter

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    1. Hi Peter. Good to hear from you, as always. As with a lot of things in this lifestyle, it's complicated. And, I supposed another question is what comes first -- the fetish or the spanking. I'm pretty sure I didn't have a fetish about spaking until I learned about the DWC and asked my wife to discpline me, but do I have one after many years of doing this? Hard to say. I still don't really have any desire for maintenance or erotic spankings, so I do think for me it is really about needing boundaries and feeling a desired to be punished when I don't respect those boundaries. But, it also is undeniable that even if I didn't know anything about DD or adult disciplinary spankings before finding the DWC, once I did find it, the whole thing just hit me like a ton of bricks.

      I'm not sure how much it matters, as long as it works. But, that begs the question -- works to do what? I do think it is hard to see how spanking as behavior correction could work very well with someone who likes and wants to be spanked. If anything, someone with spanking fetish might logically want to act out in order get the spanking he wants. Which is why, even though I disagreed with a previous comment about whether al the men in this lifestyle necessarily have spanking fetishes, it does seem like for someone to be disciplined by a spanking it needs to be something they are not inclined to like.

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    2. Dan

      I personally dont make a difference between maintenance or punishment spankings. In my mind neither one does anything to correct behavior. In our case I spank Peter most often when I see him slipping into bad behavior. In a way you might call that a reminder spanking and most often it
      does correct bad behavior but never cures it. When he has done something that in my mind is beyond the pale, then a good long harsh session is in order. In our home there is no sexual connection to either.

      Anna

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    3. Dan:
      You wrote "I do think it is hard to see how spanking as behavior correction could work very well with someone who likes and wants to be spanked."
      As I said in a long post at the bottom, I enjoy being spanked, but a spanking can still be 'behavior correctional'. FOR ME, depends on the application.
      A Fun spanking... there's a warm up, it's slow and steady, and builds up, and I'm left inside my head to go on into sub space
      Punishment: No warm up, hard, maybe fast, and I have to count 'em, to keep me out of my head, and out of subspace.

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    4. What Shilo wrote is true. I have different ways of handling him, depending on the purpose. I can be quite the bitch when he's being punished as compared to 'funishment.'

      He gets NO pleasure from punishment because I make him stay with me mentally. No floating in bliss!

      Again, for me, spanking (as well as chastity) is a fetish. I always enjoy myself, but less so when I have to discipline him. I mean, funishment nearly always results in a happy ending for me. Discipline ends with a LONG talk about his behavior, which automatically takes me from my happy place. Still I have no regrets about the way our relationship has gone.

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    5. Mary and Shilo, thanks. These are interesting distinctions.

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  6. no fetish at all---Just a way to settle things that are cserious and of which I am at fault---Its bare--It hurts but its a quick way to settle things--with no lingering anger or harsh feelings remaining----no embarrassment either as only my wife and I know I assume cwe are not unique but I would never tell anyone and I assume other guys who take a bare paddling say nothing either

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  7. Spanking definitely started out as a fetish for me and I still enjoy the release of the endorphins when I get the occasional spanking of flogging. My wife and I are still exploring FLR and DD with my wife trying to get comfortable with her role. She is hesitant to cause any significant pain and pauses as soon as things get a little rosy. In other words, things have certainly not extended beyond my comfort level (and I don’t consider myself a masochist looking for broken skin) so I have no experience to speak from other then the paddle in the Vice Principals office at the ripe age of 14 which was certainly not erotic nor part of my fantasy. At the same time I can also speak to the “attitude adjustment” that does take place within me in that I am more attentive to my wife’s needs, feeling, and opinions. I become less controlling and follow more of her lead or at least put much more effort into shutting up and allowing her to take the lead. The past rosy ass Domestic Disciplinary experiences just rolls around in my head and reminds me to “chill” and live up to my end of a more-FLR bargain.

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    1. Thanks, Anonymous. It is a good reminder that spankins may not need to take you beyond your limits to be effective. For me, I really do need them to be hard in order to get through my thick head. But, I'm sure that isn't true of everyone

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  8. Spanking is definitely a fetish for us both, and it was through that interest that our FLR later followed. I doubt we'd be doing any of what we do if we did not have, or start with the spanking desire. In fact, I think when it comes to the spanking itself, Rosa is far more likely to "enjoy" it than me. She is utterly unapologetic about "liking it". When we first shifted from play to a genuine lifestyle of accountability, obedience, and punishment, I sometimes felt confused by Rosa's demeanor prior to a spanking.....even a punishment one. She just seemed too 'happy' about it. I was taking it all so seriously, and I would be thrown off by the prospect of a real punishment for a real offence being conducted with this gleeful, teasing tone.

    We discussed it and eventually Rosa assured me that her delight in spanking me, in no way diminished her seriousness about punishing me. She just explained that the fact that this FLR WAS real, was precisely why she enjoyed it so much. The teasing beforehand was her own perk as she saw it.

    I can honestly say, it made sense......especially since her scolding hit on the issues at hand, and the spanking itself was never 'fun' for me. She just had no problem with this duality: fun for her/punishment for me. And in time I got used to it and see it as her style, and not an indication of lack of seriousness.

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    1. Hi KD. I can understand why that was confusing. I always feel like I need my wife to take a very stern tone with me, in order to impress upon me her displeasure. I hadn't really thought about how that might be tough for a woman who really enjoys delivering discipline. Very interesting.

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  10. Oh, boy, could I rattle on about THIS topic.
    I've been acutely aware of a fetish for spanking since 1974, when I came across and purchased spanking magazines. Then, all I found were M/f scenarios, and THAT was the subject of my self-indulgent fantasies.
    The fantasies and fetish stuck with me, despite my own reservations that the subject was 'perverted', and I chose to not share them with the women who entered and departed my life.
    With access to the WWW, and a much more varied selection of porn, I found F/m spanking depictions (as an artist, Franco stands out ... I even got to chat with him online on AOL for awhile, way back when).
    That's when I realized my desires ... to be 'taken in hand' and spanked ... preferably OTK ... by a dominating woman. Not in school or at work, but at home ... by aunt, stepmother, governess, or wife.
    Because of living arrangements, I was in no position to do anything about these desires other than keep them in my head, until my roommate moved out, and I had my place to myself.
    I took up self-spanking on a VERY regular basis.
    It seemed like female spankers were not easy to come by, unless I wanted to pay for 'em, but male spankers were (easy to come by) as I discovered when I put up a profile on spankthishookups and received quick responses, and I attended a monthly male-male spanking party at a local dungeon... so yes, I had quite a few spanking dates with men, until I met Merry ...
    Through Fetlife, I found a mixed party at a dungeon to attend, and at that party, met Merry, and I saw her at a couple following parties, and we began communicating constantly via messages on Fetlife.
    We arranged a play date at an upcoming party, and during that party, engaged in two sessions of me, naked on a spanking bench, while she walloped my bottom.
    We got engaged, 7 weeks later (at another spanking party!) and got married eight weeks after that.
    Our dynamic has gone through a few changes ...
    We did do a full FLR for awhile, but simply realized, our dynamic works best as equal partners.
    We took a long hiatus from any BDSM or DD activity due to my health (crappy IBS and gluten-intolerance issues) but we are really getting back into the SWING of things.
    We now use DD (her, spanking me) as fun and as punishment/discipline.
    Fun, because she freely admits she LIKES spanking my bottom, and I freely admit I enjoy it ... afterwards. .....Heh. Even during, when I can get into subspace, but the ride getting there is often quite painful.
    As for P&D ... she says I am not a 'brat', a behavior-problem-child ... other than my 'smart' mouth, which comes from talking before thinking, and my sometimes sullen sulky dismal attitude. She uses DD to rectify that, with spankings that are quite different that the 'fun' ones.

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  11. What exactly IS a fetish anyway? It seems like most people want to distance themselves from "having a fetish". Maybe I missed the definition in the original question?

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    1. Damn good quesstion. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines it as:

      a strong and unusual need or desire for something

      : a need or desire for an object, body part, or activity for sexual excitement

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  12. Some of this seems overly complicated. I would say if you present an erection while waiting for your wife to spank you or if you fantasize about getting spanked or fantasize past spankings then you have a spanking fetish by definition because a fetish is something non sexual in itself that triggers eroticism ( like you wife's hairbrush, strap or cane sitting out ready to be used) The only exception to this I know is if a man has been disciplined a long time the eroticism tends to diminish as the impending pain becomes a stronger memory. My wife actually worked on this for a time because she does not LIKE to see an erection before punishment. But if you get your spanking without getting erect before or after you probably don't have a fetish and seek discipline for an end in itself. I now believe both types of men exist.Those without the fetish probably need a lot less and less severe discipline to control behavior but spanking can work for either type
    Alan

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    1. Replying to my own post, but wanted to add something important. The role of the fetish in domestic discipline explains why making a husband come before punishment makes the punishment so severe. It takes away the fetish ( for a while) and so a spanking is pure punishment from the beginning
      Alan

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    2. Hi Alan. I need to think about that one. I've read about rape victims who show outward signs of sexual excitement, but that doesn't mean that they subjectively wanted or got some thrill out of forced sex. And, if someone does get an erection because part of them is excited, what is it they are excited about -- the spanking, the disciplinary context of the spanking, the dominance? It does seem complicated to me. But, it's an interesting thought, and you also probaby just suggested a future topic or poll on the prevalence of pre-spanking erections.

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    3. Hi Dan

      I don't know about rape victims showing outward sexual excitement. I would like to see the evidence because rape has to be a frightening experience and fear is antithetical to sexual excitement. But in males with a spanking fetish becoming erect before a spanking, its the body controlling the mind and the fetish controlling the body. A man who has been really spanked knows something unpleasant is coming and still he gets sexually excited because spanking and thoughts about it are sexually exciting until the spanking starts.. Maybe the biggest evidence is what usually happens to the erection after spanking starts. Reality intrudes and the erection usually disappears when the spanking begins ( for me it always disappeared) I do agree strongly with you that the sexual reaction is probably to the entire experience including the disciplinary context, the scolding, dominance, possibly dress and tools of discipline like a hairbrush. So to call it a spanking fetish is probably misleading. But a bigger point is maybe that there are two types of men who seek or accept physical discipline in their relationships and having a spanking fetish doesn't apply to all of them.
      Alan

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