Saturday, August 8, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 100 - Advice to Aspiring DD/FLR Couples

Happy Saturday to you all.  It is hard to believe, but this is the 100th edition of our little weekly get-togethers!  As of this morning, wrapped up in that number are 2,528 individual comments (though probably 1/3 of those are my responses) and 652,009 pageviews. Quite a growth path, given that when I look back at the first few months of its existence, it was not uncommon for weekly topics to draw one or two comments at most, and sometimes none.  Anyway, thank you all for helping make this a place where some very interesting people come to spend a few minutes each week. 

When I started this blog, I was not at all sure what I wanted it to be.  The most heartening feedback I have gotten is when someone has described this as a "relationship" blog.  It's great that it has developed that way, because it wasn't really what I was thinking when I started it.  As the title reflects, I initially saw it as a place for some disciplined husbands to get together and talk about, well, being disciplined husbands.  It has obviously grown both wider and deeper.  As my own relationship has gone from pretty straight DD to something incorporating more aspects of a broader Female Led Relationship, I've tried to expand the blog topics accordingly, while also trying to maintain some focus on that subset of FLR relationships that use corporaral punishment and other disciplinary tools to foster her leadership and his submission to her authority.  It also has expanded to include several regular Disciplinary Wife contributors, and some of them have, in turn, brought their husbands into the conversation. Or vice versa.  So, what began as a forum for a few disciplined men has expanded into something a little more.  Something that hopefully faciliates an exchange of experiences and ideas among disciplinary couples.

Now that I've gone all self-important and pretentious--  :-) --let's get to the real source of this blog's success, namely the experiences of our disciplinary husbands and wives.  In honor of the 100th iteration of this participatory forum, I want to ask everyone to contribute to our community in this way:  If you could give one piece of advice to other couples who are exploring a DD or FLR relationship, what would it be?  Conversely, if you are interested in having such a relationship or just getting started in one, what is the one question that is most on your mind and that our forum participants might be able to help with?

I hope you all have a great week!

Dan

19 comments:

  1. Hi Dan
    Challenging task here but probably the best advice to an aspiring or new DD /FLR couple is to avail themselves of the wealth of information available via the internet today and to use it as a basis to communicate with each other.No one beginning DD before the internet age can understand how little material existed about how , when, where, who etc. It was a desert and what did exist was often wrong or semi pornographic.I think that lack of information is partially responsible for the fact that most couples didn't discover or practice DD until well into their 40's or later.It just took that long to figure it out.
    Alan

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  2. Great observation. The internet is not just a relfection of certain interests. It can also be a cause of them. One reason I didn't practice DD until my late 30s was because I didn't know that such a thing existed,

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  3. Dan
    If I have any one piece of advice is to be open with your partner. I almost destroyed my marriage by being too embarrassed to admit to my wife that DD was something I wanted and needed. Because of being embarrassed I went to a professional to be punished. That deceit and the guilt I felt cast a darkness over our marriage. If you find you cant do it on your own I suggest a sex therapist to guide you and your partner. It was almost ten years into our marriage before it all came out. If I have any regret it is that I missed ten years of growth with my Anna.

    Pete

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  4. Totally agree with being open and honest. Life is too short. And guilt eats you up. Fortunately my wife caught me in a pair of her panties just after married (43 years now) and tbrashed my bottom. She noticed I was enjoying it and really got going. Panties and spankings regularly eversince. Wonderful wife.

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  5. Talking about things honestly and frequently is probably the best thing any couple can do. Holding back judgement helps as well.

    Don't be afraid to experiment and explore, and understand that you're never too old to start. Shilo was nearly 57 and I was 52 when we tried DD. The FLR was a given in our case but still... Don't limit yourselves, and have fun. Treat each other with Love and understand that this is done out of a love for the other partner.

    Never discipline when you're angry. Send him to the corner until you cool off. You want him to feel pain, not harm him.

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    1. Oh, and if anyone was wondering, we met in March 2013, and got married in September 2013, which is further proof that you don't have to start young.

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    2. Good suggestions for all. Thanks, Merry.

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  6. I am going to cheat and give two pieces of advice since a couple is two people and for an FLR my advice to the guy is different than my advice to the lady.

    Ladies first: Don't let what others think prevent you from trying things that may end up making a huge improvement in your life and overall happiness. If presented with the option of exploring an FLR, at least give it an honest try. You may surprise yourself with what you discover you enjoy. And just because it's not what is touted in tabloids or by relationship gurus, doesn't mean it isn't as valid a way to live as any other.

    Gents: If you want an FLR let her lead, even if she stumbles at first. Don't dictate the terms. While communication is important and positive reinforcement crucial, don't smother her with advice. One trick we've discovered is a simple technique. If there's something you want to suggest, preface it as merely a suggestion. State it once. Explain it further if she asks. And then......let it go. Leave it to her to mull it over and then do what she wishes with what you told her. Nothing will shut down a tentative dominant faster than having her think her power is an illusion to satisfy your precise fantasy.

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    1. Thanks, KD. Great thoughts. Since you cheated, I'll do the same.

      Women: Don't get hung up on, "Am I doing it right?" There is no "right" way to do DD or FLR. If he has asked you for this kind of relationship, he WANTS you to take charge, so don't spend a lot of time worrying about what he is thinking about you taking charge. And, err on the side of strictness. If you are worried about whether you are being too touch, chances are he craves even more. OK -- I know, that ws three or four things. Sue me.

      Gents: I agree with KD. Let her lead, but go beyond that and give lots of positive feedback on her efforts. Yes, you want her to step up her dominance, but you also need to be prepared to be more openly submissive, respectful, etc. The easier you make it for her to lead, the more she will.

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  7. Hello Dan,
    My advice for husbands is to accept their punishments with as much grace and dignity as possible and to understand their wife would not be spanking them if she did not love them. A man should not worry whether his wife might spank for this or that nearly as much as he should worry that she might give up on it and stop spanking all together. My advice for wives is decide clearly if you are willing to take on the responsibility of being a disciplinarian ( and it is a responsibility) If you decide to go ahead, go all the way establishing your authority with firmness and consistency. Its a great life style between a loving couple but it IS a lot of work
    Marisa

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    1. I really appreciate you admitting that. As a male, I always feel like I'm walking a tricky line when talking to women about this for that very reason. We try to make the perks sound more appealing than the effort, but that effort cannot be denied, and a good FLR can't exist without it.

      Rosa and I had a rough spot a short while ago and I told her that the reason she was experiencing the frustration that she felt was because, for very understandable reasons, she backed away from truly leading. I explained to her that if she enjoyed the benefits of being in charge, she had to accept that to be in that position did require the effort to lead. As willing as any submissive male might be, I believe we need the direction from our wives to stay on the right track. Submission is not achieved without effort, but if we could just submit to an ideal, this would be easy. But we need a real person acting as a boss. And like any position of authority there are perks that go with being in charge as well as effort and the responsibility to lead. She thought about it and realized it was true. A lot of the frustration she was experiencing would have gone away if she simply stepped back up into a strong leadership position. She then did and things are back on track.

      So, to all you wonderful FLR women....first..."thanks", but second....yes you will be pampered and obeyed and have more attention focused on you as a leader......but to reap the benefits of a leader, you do have to lead.

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    2. KD. Very well said, and I couldn't agree more. Where any real exchange of power is going on, it has to be bilaterail. In an FLR, the man has to be prepared to really submit, but the wife also has to be prepared to really lead. And, leadership isnt easy. I also personally feel like many of us in this lifestyle come to it precisely because we are willful and controlling and hard-headed. Given that personal dynamic, the FLR is gong to become "real," i.e. more than a game or a fetish, only if the submission is to some extrent imposed by the wife and not just someting he is expected to accomplish all by himself.

      I came across this great line recently by Machiavelli that I thought just hit the nail on the head where FLR and DD are concerned: "She who wishes to be obeyed must first know how to command." (OK - I made up the "she" part, but it works better that way.) That quote so elegantly summarizes something that I think we all know in the work world -- that real "leaders" can't expect submission to just be offered up to them all the time. If you want to be treated like a leader, you have to learn to act like one, which includes learning how to give commands and how to impose consequences if those commands are not caried out. But, as any peopel manager knows, it's hard. Many people don't like confrontation, and at first leadership feels very confrontational. But, if you have signed on to be a manager or "leader," it's part of the role you have taken on. It can't be all ice cream and no spinach.

      We had a similar situation recently to the one you describe. My wife got very angry when she felt that I had criticized her about something. To make matters signficantly worse, instead of taking it out on my bottom, which she could and should have done given our DD agreements, she retreated into her pre-DD, pre-FLR role, basically all passive-aggression. We finally talked about it, and I pointed out to her that if 100% of the responsiblity is on me to to conform my behavior all the time, then am I really being "led" in any meaningful sense, or am I just leading myself with her going along for the pleasant parts of the ride? I also pointed out that if I could always stay within nicely defined boundaries all through my own effort, then we wouldn't need DD in the first place. I think having that conversation really did make her think about the fact that leadership isn't all fun and games for the leader, and that some resistance from the person being led is natural in this kind of relationship, at least where it starts wtih a headstrong male asking the woman to help temper that aspect of his personality by leading and disciplining him.

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  8. Dan
    I agree. However once a male has asked or as a couple you have agreed to a FLR I think the male needs to not confuse headstrong with bratty. The truth is IF there is to be a true FLR the only boundaries are the ones that the wife puts in place.

    Anna

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    1. Hi Anna. I agree but with a couple of caveats. Whether behavior is headstrong or bratty, the wife has been given the authority to address it. So, if it isn't being addressed, it seems to me there are really two failures going on. He may not be trying hard enough to submit and obey, but she also may not be enforcing her will rigorously enough or consistently enough. I also think that bounaries, like everything else, have to subject to real discussion, because if both parties aren't having their needs met, then it just isn't going to work. Thankfully, as our polls have shown, if the guy is not having his needs met, it is likely because she isn't imposing enough boundaries or they are too loose or too irregulary enforced. If that's the case, then the problem isn't that he disagrees with boundaries that have been set but, instead, wants others in addition to those that that have been set.

      On the former point, I reiteratte my belief that there is some point at which leaders have to step up and TAKE control if suboridnates aren't submitting, whether in the work context, the military, or in a FLR marriage. I had an interesting conversation aftert work a few weeks ago, over drinks iwth some of our younger female managers. They were complaining that some of the male subordinates don't seem to take them as seriously as they do male superiors. I agreed that was a problem, but then I asked a simple question: "What have you done to MAKE them do what you want. Not ask. Not politley suggest. What have you done to either MAKE them perform or to impose some concrete consequence on them for not doing it? Have you called them into your office and confronted them directly? Started a formal disciplinary process? Given them a bad performance review?" Of course, none of that had happened. When I asked why, it was the same explanation that I suspect is given all the time in these situations: "Because if I lead like that as woman, they will think I am a bitch." To which I replied, "So?" They all looked at me like I had two heads. But, really, so what? Do you tthink that males subordinates cheerfully submit to other males? No the seethe inside and call us dicks behind our backs. But, truly, if they are the subordinates, then who gives a damn whether they like or don't like the orders or the person giving them? What is important is that they comply, and if I hold back in commanding because someone might call me a dick, then who exactly is in control of that situation?

      Again, "She who wants to be obeyed must first know how to command." A husband can ask his wife to command, but ultimately only she can make herself a commander.

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    2. I very much agree with Anna.A wife may and generally should consult with her husband in setting or readjusting boundaries. But ultimately it is her decision what those boundaries are at any point and her decision when and why a punishment occurs.If he does not understand why he is being punished it is her responsibility to explain it to him.But he must accept her judgement whether he agrees or not. Otherwise it is not an FLR
      Marisa

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  9. Hello all,
    I'm not in an FLR, but I am very interested in them. I love the idea of being disciplined for my shortcomings. My wife is new to the idea and she does punish me, but it is a very inconsistent arrangement. Most of our spankings are sexual in nature, but I have always wanted more of a strict accountability kind of thing. I have really enjoyed reading your thoughts and experiences and I hope to one day be a truly disciplined hubby. My wife, as someone mentioned earlier, is a tentative dominant.
    Caleb

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    1. Hi Caleb. Thanks for joining in the discussion. Just keep telling her what you want, and hang in there. I can take a while for a tenative dominant to get comfortable with the idea.

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