Saturday, May 23, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 90 - Consistency #2

Hi all. For those in the US, I hope you are enjoying the long holiday weekend.  I am feeling more than a little lazy today.  Well, honestly, it's more exhaustion than laziness.  In any event, I am not feeling particularly inpsired when it comes to topics.  

So, let's extend our talk on consistency a little.  It seems clear that many of us want consistency in our DD and FLR relationships.  Some have achieved it.  For others, it is challenging.  So, what are the major impediments for building more consistency?  Kids? Social events? Work? Work-related travel?  For those of you who have managed to build more consistency into your DD and FLR relatonships, how did you get there?  What conflict tips can you give to the rest of us?

Have a great weekend.

Dan

23 comments:

  1. Dan

    Just read your last comment on last weeks topic. May I suggest everyone read that before responding to todays topic. I know I was about to state how I felt on this topic then read your entry this morning on last weeks topic.
    GREAT FOOD FOR THOUGHT.
    Will respond to this weeks topic after i digest your comment .
    thanks for all of this
    anna

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    1. Hi Anna. I hope you and Peter are having a good weekend.

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  2. Personally I think this topic should be called logistics rather than consistency. I always took consistency to be more of a question of psychology and of principles. Namely, that one is always punished (or not punished) for the same offenses. It's like the disciplinarian's mind has a written constitution, easy to interpret and predict if given much thought. Consistent in the sense of not being arbitrary or capricious. And there are no lapses in the enforcement of the rules. There are no 'off days', they don't retire from the role when not in the mood. After this, one can be said to be consistent, at least intent-wise. That just leaves logistics.

    -Rob

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  3. We started discipline at my request many years ago but my wife was never a reluctant spanker. She had spanked a college boyfriend (at his request) and knew what to do from the start and we had played erotically before the discipline started. Our problem has never been consistency as it has been discussed on this blog but more a lack of clarity about what triggers a spanking. We have rules but she refuses to be limited by them if she thinks I need spanked. She also refuses to spank automatically if I break a rule. It’s always her decision. This works OK when we are alone together because she always lets me know verbally or non-verbally if I am getting near the edge. If I choose to ignore her I deserve what I get and I am Ok with that. But out in company or when we are apart for a while I can get in trouble with her without knowing it is happening because her rules do shift. Last month I got one of the hardest spankings I have had in years after a party in which she claimed I ignored her all night. But just a few months before at the same friend’s home she praised me for being sociable and mixing well, the very thing she spanked me for last month. She says there was a big difference between the two events and if I don’t see it, I probably need another spanking so I won’t push it with her. But not always knowing what the rules are or her expectations does bother me in a relationship otherwise very good. I have talked to her best friend from high school about this who knows she spanks me and she says that is just her way and she will never change and I should accept it. I guess I have because I have not rebelled against it but those guys who worry about consistent follow up from their wife should know there are bigger problems than that.

    Paul T. (not my real name)

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    1. Hi Paul. Thanks for joining in. We have had topics in the past about "undeserved" punishments. It may be time to raise that one again. Have a good weekend.

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    2. She tells me there is no such thing as an undeserved spanking. If I got spanked I must have deserved it.

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    3. Another popular spin on that is that even if you were "wrongly" punished for one thing, you likely got away with something else. So, it all balances out.

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    4. Paul T,

      This just sounds like a problem of lack of communication. You said "She also refuses to spank automatically if I break a rule. It’s always her decision." WELL YEAH, she is your disciplinarian, so of course it is her decision. However, I do think she owes you a better explanation of why you were punished harshly in one instance and not the other - for behavior that you thought was very similar. But don't question her overall authority, or even her specific decisions in these two cases - ask her because you want to improve your behavior for her but you are somewhat confused.

      Carl H

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    5. when we started I told her she could spank anytime,for any reason ( later she added anyplace to the list) When I complain she has told me she is just doing what i said I wanted. She does not want to justify her decision when she spanks which has been made very clear to me. I don't think behavior modification works this way became the boundaries aren't always clear. But I am definitely very obedient to her and sometimes i think that's what its all about for her
      Paul.

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    6. Paul, it sounds like maybe you need to have a discussion about what it is you are both doing and why. It sounds like you are pursuing two somewhat different spanking-oriented lifestyles. You seem to what something focused more on behavior modification, i.e. DD, while she is practicing something more on the FLR or Femdom end of the spectrum. And it sounds like the misalignment may have resulted from you telling her you wanted her to spank you entirely at her discretion, whether or not it is really connected to behavior improvement. It's not that either form of relationship is right or wrong, better or worse. But, it does sound like maybe you aren't on the same page about goals and should talk about that more.

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  4. As a working wife and mother consistency has been my greatest challenge. Peter and I have experimented with different approaches and for present we are operating with this combo of practicality and consistency. At the present time our two sons go every saturday to my in laws from ten am till dinner. If I need to administer domestic discipline it is during those hours. If Peter has to travel for work he is always back by friday night.
    The moment the boys have left the house I expect him to be prepared for discipline. The method of punishment and the length is totally determined by me.

    In addition, I have also chosen, from time to time, not to wait till saturday and we have slipped off to his office Our sitter pops by for a couple of hours and take care of business at his office. A few weeks ago I related an
    incident when Peter was working one Sunday afternoon at his office and when I called to check if he was planning on coming home for dinner he hung up on me. My neighbor came to watch the boys. Within an hour,
    he was bent over his desk bare bottomed, and with his belt I was marking his rude bottom. Adding a few new bruises to the bottom I had belted the morning before. We have adjusted and readjusted how we are going to handle this and I am sure will again in the future. The one rule I am adament about is that the first time he tries to say not now or to control when and how is the day the domestic discipline will end.

    Anna

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    1. Thanks, Anna. This probably reflects the process for every DD couple with kids -- adjust and readust. And readjust some more

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  5. This really goes with last week’s thread about consistence, but here goes:

    As Alan said earlier in this thread (05/19/15 @ 1:44 PM): “We have talked earlier about that ‘defining moment’ when we get a spanking we don't want and realize our wives really control if it happens or not.” I think that is it in a nutshell. I don’t think it matters if the husband TFTB, as long as the wife truly tops from the top. By that I mean once the wife actually has the AUTHORITY and the ABILITY to administer discipline on her terms (within the parameters of any DD agreement), then the wife really is in charge and both she and the husband now know it. Usually, the authority is already there, as more times than not, the husband introduces the concept. The husband gives general consent to the overall DD scheme, but his specific consent for any given discipline session is not required - or even requested.

    In our case it took years to accomplish this. I think the turning point was when my wife starting using handcuffs to restrain my wrists. By doing that, my superior upper body strength was neutralized and I am basically turned into an oversized 10 year boy, who any mother, aunt, or teacher worth her salt knows how to handle the old fashioned way. My wife is now able to turn her attention to the task at hand - administering a proper punishment, rather than worry about hands flying back or me trying to get away. What if I refuse the handcuffs? Well, that just never happens as I found she can put them on without my cooperation - like when I am sleeping or just not paying attention. Besides, 1) resisting putting the cuffs on really ramps up the eventual consequences (both corporal and non-corporal) and 2) many times although the cuffs go on I am not punished (at least not corporally), so I am inclined to take my chances being restrained.

    As far as consistency goes, my wife has a firm policy. For instance, she will tell me to do something or not something. If this does not occur to her satisfaction within a reasonable amount of time (as determined by her), then I get a warning (the word “warning” is always included, as in “This is your warning, Mister!”). However, it is her policy to NEVER give a second warning. Or you could say that her second warning is provided compliments of Ms Paddle - who only has a one word vocabulary - as in POW-POW-POW-POW-ETC, and she has a nasty habit of repeating herself about 50 to 100 times. The upside to this is that not only do I get to live in the DD household that I desire and need, but that I have a wife that never nags, whines or bitches.

    Carl H

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    1. Thanks, Carl. I've wondered whether that might be the effect of cuffs.

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  6. It's fascinating how that " defining moment" is different for each but it is always the numbing realization that she is REALLY in charge and you can't stop the spanking. I say numbing because up to that moment you thought you could stop it and in my case at least had either talked my way out of it or greatly reduced the punishment. For Carl its having those cuffs on and realizing he is just " an over-sized 10 year old" easy to handle. For me it was when she went into that " I own your ass" mode and grabs me by the ear or roughly pulls down my pants and forces eye contact.. It's almost unique for each of us but after it happenes everything changes. You are not playing out a fantasy any longer but living a reality in which your wife or girlfriend really controls your bottom. Its what all of us want but fear at the same time
    Alan

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    1. I often feel that this journey that Anna and I share has had a series of defining moments. My latest Anna described a few weeks ago here. I was working at my office one Sunday afternoon. I had a deadline to meet and Anna called to see if I was planning to come home for dinner. I was so frustrated with my inability to get the project finished I yelled at her for bothering me and then hung
      up on her.
      An hour later she walked into my deserted office literally pulled me from my seat and pushed me over the desk, pulled down my sweats and belted my ass. At that moment I recall two thoughts.
      First I wished I had not gone commando and second not to resist. I knew at once I had gone too far. This was a legit reason for her ire. This is a well deserved punishment.

      peter

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    2. Thanks, Peter. I think it's great that you have the office as an outlet for when things can't happen at home. Hope you're doing well.

      Dan

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    3. Thanks for the post, Alan - I recall us discussing that "defining moment' previously. As I posted before, for me it was the first time - a few months into our disciplinary arrangement - that I really did not want the spanking she told me that I had coming (for having a bad attitude and being especially grumpy all afternoon) - but then realized, somewhat to my surprise, that I really did not have it in me to refuse - Susie said I was going to be spanked, so I was - like it or not - and there was no choice but to accept the inevitable.

      Peter - although our kids are gone now, they were still home in the beginning - a dozen years ago now. We were also fortunate to have access to an office just a few minutes away. Susie called it a "trip to the woodshed" and I got a bunch of paddlings on that office couch after hours. She still has a hairbrush stashed in the closet there. --al

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  7. Reply to dan may 30


    The thing that gets in the way of consistency for us is real life. It’s sounds like a glib excuse but it’s my honest response.
    What makes it difficult for me is bringing work home, which I need to do. I find the only way I can cope with that work is to commit to it 100%, which means I’m nowhere near as attentive to Mistress as I should be.
    Sometimes Mistress may feel a need to exercise her authority but, I don’t always feel I can submit to it – if I have pressing work deadlines to meet (which is very often).
    If I stop and think about it, I do behave in a ridiculous way, since I know full well that even the most intense discipline takes, at most, half an hour to administer. What I struggle with is having the head space to cope with that, on top of work.
    The problem is exasperated by Mistress also working long hours, much of it from home. So when I am free from outside influences and can commit to her, she has her mind on other things.
    I accept my attitude is not acceptable in a FLR but it’s the only way I can cope with my working life. I need to try harder at our FLR but I think change could be precipitated by Mistress exerting more authority. That’s not me passing the buck or blaming her one bit for my lack of submission. I know some will argue that it could be down to me acting in a more submissive manner. I accept that argument.
    I just feel that if there were some kind of air of inevitability about the demands expected of me, things would work better. I need to realize that there will always be discipline whether I liked it or not. I need to have my escape route cut off.
    That obviously places the emphasis on Mistress becoming more authoritative but it could easily be brought about by more communication.
    I thought Carl H’s wife’s adopting of a final warning was interesting and could be very effective - but only if the wife always sees through the threat and unequivocally insists on punishment if that final warning is not heeded.

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  8. Hello RM
    I like your name especially the respecting part but don't care much for your rationalizations. Blaming real life for an FLR not working is wimpish. If you are submitting to your wife's authority, train yourself to obey her commands instantly and when she tells you to get your ass in position, do it. It is totally unacceptable for a man to resist or fail to cooperate with punishment when a wife decides to mete it out and more so for you because from what I have read in your blog ( not all of it) you asked for discipline and still do.I can understand being overwhelmed by work or outside pressures, but if you want a successful marriage let along a successful FLR you need to obey and submit and to make that a priority no matter what else is going on.Obey your wife accept whatever punishment you get and thank her for it because disciplining a husband consistently takes enormous effort) If my husband defied me the way you do , the first time I would administer a punishment he would never forget and the second time I would end all discipline permanently. You need to decide if your really want an FLR and if you do take your share of the responsibility to make it work
    Marisa

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    1. Rm
      Hate to say it but i totally agree with Marisa. I too have told Peter to say no is the end of discipline.
      After all it is you that wanted this to begin with. Work on deadline, something Peter in the beginning tried to use, is no excuse. Like Marisa, being defied means the end of it.
      Anna

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