Saturday, May 9, 2015

The Forum Vol. 88 -- What Holds You Back?

Hi all.  I hope you had a great week and are heading into a relaxing weekend. That was a good discussion last week.  Somehow, I never tire of topics that hit the question of origins, how people get started in domestic discipline, from one angle or another.  Thanks to everyone who contributed.  It was especially heartening to see the number of new contributors we've picked up in the last few weeks.

We had another poll close this week.  This one was directed at our Disciplinary Wives and asked, "What holds you back from assuming greater authority or giving stricter discipline?" There were 27 total votes, and people were allowed to vote for more than one option.  Here are the results:

Social conditioning re gender roles
  10 (37%)
Reluctant to really "hurt" him
  13 (48%)
Uncomfortable being perceived as "bitchy"
  8 (29%)
Afraid he will resist
  5 (18%)
Unpracticted in leading
  7 (25%)
Other
  5 (18%)

 There are some obviousl problems with this poll.  As someone pointed out shortly after I posted it, there is no option for "nothing."  Some women are leading fully actualized DD relatonships, and nothing is holding them back.   That may, or may not, be what is going on wiht the relatively high numboer of "Other" answers in this one.  On the other hand, I'm not surprised that "social conditioning" and the reluctance to dole out something really painful are way up there.

I don't feel like I have a lot more to add personally to this one, and I'd love to hear from the wives.  So, tell us about what what, if anything, holds you back from being the Leader or Disciplinarian you want to be or that your husband tells you he really wants or needs.

I also added a new poll.  Nothing particularly provocative.  Just more curiosity about who we are.  Also, my apologies to the first 7 people who voted, but I had to pull it down and restart when I realized I left out a category.  Unfortunately, the Blogger polling gadget doesn't allow you to modify a poll once someone has voted.

Have a great week.

Dan




30 comments:

  1. I just wanted to say hello. No real input for this one, because nothing was holding me back. Currently the holdup is health issues, but Shilo changed medical insurance and doctors, so I'm hoping to get some answers soon.

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  2. Dan
    I know I feel that for a wife to take a dominant role domestically takes time and to be frank a bit of maturity not to mention a whole lot of communication with her partner. I feel truly I am growing into the role more each day. At the start of discipline with Peter I worried most that I wasnt doing it right. I also worried that I might be taken for a bitch. As I mature woman I find that a compliment now if it is meant to describe a woman who has
    a sense of who she is and what she expects from her partner.

    Anna

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    1. Hi Anna, Your answer points out another issue on which my poll blew it. "Worried about 'not doing it right'" should have been a poll choice. I am sure it would have ranked very high.

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  3. Of course, I have been somewhat reluctant about "really hurting him" -even though he has never complained - but "concern about gender roles" has never been an issue for either of us: I spank him (as hard as I feel he deserves) and that's all there is to it. Initally, I sometimes wondered whether I was "doing it right", but I soon got over that, and my darling, well-spanked husband would be the first one, I know, to acknowledge that I know (and deliver!) just what he needs/deserves...

    J.

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    1. Thanks, J. Love the "and that's all there is to it" approach!

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    2. J. couldn't have put it better! She decides when (and why) I deserve to be spanked, caned or whipped - and I never question her right to do so - even if I sometimes beg, or wish for some clemency.

      L.

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  4. My husband at first thought I was joking, might have been true at first, but his little boy cuteness wore thin and finally as the saying goes, the straw that broke the camel back happened. Thankful he is smaller than I and others have said a nerd at times, but I love my nerdy husband. That day that he knew I meant business I pulled him from the shower, had a chair ready in the bedroom and soon had him over my lap. It felt really good, his reaction, his cute bottom turning a nice shade of red, and I really enjoyed his spanking dance afterwards. I had him face the wall and afterwards told him this would not be the last. I felt really good and you know you cannot hurt them, only their pride and that can heal quickly.

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    1. Thanks, Anonymous. I bet that was quite a surprise for him.

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    2. Surprise is what it was, my surprise was how he acted during the spanking, like a naughty little boy. Afterwards he looked at me crying and was glad that was over, I smiled and told him it was just the beginning. He has done really good, even his mother comment on his change, he does not know, but I told her of the spankings, she hugged me and said it was what he needs. She even bought me a spanking gift, a nice large hairbrush, doesn't not want me to hurt my hand. It gets his attention very quickly.

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    3. That's great that you can share that kind of thing with his mother. And, thanks for sharing with all of us.

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  5. Rosa's "other" vote was for what she called her "own personal issues". She knows there are times when her urge to punish is triggered by a kind of personal history reaction to something that has little to do with me. Even though we have an agreement that she can spank for any reason, we do like to make the reason clear, and if the reason is unrelated personal baggage about a situation where my behavior within that situation was not an issue, she will be very reluctant to act on it. (I appreciate that too.)

    She has no issue with inflicting pain. She did surprise me by checking off the "not being perceived as bitchy" option. When asked she just said that she knows that power can corrupt and one has to be careful in not letting a dominant position cross the line between "benevolent leader" and "tyrant". So sometimes she questions herself if her feelings are warranted or being unreasonable. It's an interesting point. I am not sure what I would do given a person's commitment to obedience.

    She also chose the influence of gender roles because she comes from a culture that is even more male-dominant than our own. And while she intellectually knows she was wired to be dominant and has no delusion that everyone is the same, the social conditioning does act as a sort of brainwashing. If you live for years being taught and shown one thing, it isn't easy to shake that off even if you know you don't fit the mold you were conditioned to be in.

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  6. Rosa's "other" vote was for what she called her "own personal issues". She knows there are times when her urge to punish is triggered by a kind of personal history reaction to something that has little to do with me. Even though we have an agreement that she can spank for any reason, we do like to make the reason clear, and if the reason is unrelated personal baggage about a situation where my behavior within that situation was not an issue, she will be very reluctant to act on it. (I appreciate that too.)

    She has no issue with inflicting pain. She did surprise me by checking off the "not being perceived as bitchy" option. When asked she just said that she knows that power can corrupt and one has to be careful in not letting a dominant position cross the line between "benevolent leader" and "tyrant". So sometimes she questions herself if her feelings are warranted or being unreasonable. It's an interesting point. I am not sure what I would do given a person's commitment to obedience.

    She also chose the influence of gender roles because she comes from a culture that is even more male-dominant than our own. And while she intellectually knows she was wired to be dominant and has no delusion that everyone is the same, the social conditioning does act as a sort of brainwashing. If you live for years being taught and shown one thing, it isn't easy to shake that off even if you know you don't fit the mold you were conditioned to be in.

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    1. Hi KD, I think that line between "leader" and "tyrant" probably worries a lot of Disciplinary Wives. I suspect it's why ocnsistency can be so challenging.

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  7. As my wife, "Susie", pointed out in her original response to the earlier topic posted in regard to this poll - nothing really held her back. Once I opened the door by confessing to a spanking fantasy one evening during a candid conversation over a bottle of wine about our sexual fantasies, and Susie discovered that she like the sense of power that spanking my behind gave her - she never looked back. The very next day she read the DWC site from "cover to cover", as well as a couple of other F/M sites of that time - gave her new wooden hairbrush a practice run on my bare rear later that afternoon - and declared herself a Disciplinary Wife.

    I didn't have time to comment on last week's topic, although I have posted our story here before in some detail (it's in the story section). Basically it came out about as briefly presented in the preceding paragraph. Very unexpectedly, the situation unfolded so that I could share my long held fantasy without too much fear of ridicule. And then even more unexpectedly, Susie enthusiastically grabbed a ping pong paddle and playfully paddled my behind. And most unexpectedly of all, she discovered that she really enjoyed wielding the paddle and proved herself to be a natural Disciplinary Wife in very short order. --al

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    1. That's great, Al. Sounds like she was really a natural.

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  8. As you know Dan, Mistress rarely posts – but we have discussed this question. She said: “The thing holding me back is you. Firstly you still don’t fully comply with my wishes or commands and have days when you don’t want to be a submissive. It makes it difficult for me to fully asset my authority when you keep questioning me. A little more obedience from you would allow me to take more control. Perhaps that’s what you are afraid of?
    Secondly, the noise you make when I’m punishing you sometimes worries me that I’m going too far, though I realized some time ago that you behave like a wimp and are really nowhere near your limits. Worse still, the noise aspect is off-putting because of our neighbours. I do worry what they would think if they hear your being caned, so there is a very big social stigma holding me back there. If we lived in a detached house you would have a very different lifestyle believe me.

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    1. Hi Dan,
      I don't remember covering this before but both my disciplinarians ( wife and former girlfriend) paid attention to and remarked on the sounds of paddle or strap doing their job.My wife especially when using the brush tries for a certain sound that tells her she is getting through which is kind of a rhythmic crack, crack, crack that resonates throughout the room. We have no privacy concerns about noise and she doesn't care how much noise a spanking makes as long as I hold position

      Alan

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    2. Susie loves the sound of the paddle cracking against bare skin - definitely a vital part of the experience for her. She always misses the sounds of the paddle when she has to "silently switch"" me when we have company present in the home. Now that the kids are out of the nest, concern about the noise is no longer an issue as we have a large lot - although my sister-in-laws's long held suspicions were confirmed when she inadvertently overheard me being paddled (she has a key to our house and we did not know that she had come in - she quietly left that day but confessed to my wife later). --al

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  9. al,

    A funny story that happened with a former girlfriend. We were in the bedroom in the middle of a spanking when her mother popped in the front door very unexpected. My girlfriend pushed me into a nearby bathroom with my pants and underpants still around my ankles expecting me to get dressed and casually join her with her mom.The problem was my pants were still down and I had been strictly trained to not pull them up without her explicit permission ( very serious rule) So instead I spent the next 30 minutes sitting in the bathroom waiting for her to come back and release me. She didn't until her mother left and when she saw me she realized what had happened. We both had a good laugh about it but I think she was proud that I had obeyed the rule in that situation.

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  10. Al
    That is a great story. So often we all forget the amusing sides of all of this. I wold also like to add the fact that you obeyed the rule would have made me proud too.

    anna

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  11. At the risk of sounding corny or sycophantic, I must compliment the ladies who have posted or posted through their male counterparts. I am not one of these "all women are superior" types....( in fact, I am not an "all ____ are ______" of ANYTHING types ), but I do appreciate people recognizing who and what they are, what works, and what fits.......and then living it.

    It seems to me that the majority of the ladies in our lives are mostly very comfortable in their roles with only minor detracting influences. For the most part, you ladies seem to be very comfortable in having disciplinary authority, seeing it as something practical, gratifying, or both.

    All I wanted to say was: you have no idea how terrific it is to hear from real ladies like you all, and hear how committed you are to this lifestyle. I personally get very humbled and awed by hearing confident declarations of disciplinary wives and girlfriends enjoying and proudly exercising their authority (not just my own, Rosa!). Thank you all for just existing!

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    1. Agreed. For the first two years of this blog's existence, I hoped that more women would participate, and it just didn't happen. It seems to finally be getting some traction with those on both sides of the paddle.

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    2. I also would like to express my appreciation to the Disciplinary Wives of the group for adding their input to the discussion - great to hear those perspectives! --al

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  12. The premise of the question seems flawed implying I am holding back if I don’t administer severe corporal punishment every time I spank him. That’s not a fair measure of commitment to discipline. Sometimes a severe spanking is appropriate. When that is due I administer an ass warming he remembers. I guarantee he has no doubt I can and will do that. But most of the time effective discipline is not about just hard spanking. It is about teaching a lesson and mentally taking him to a place where he lets go to my authority acknowledges to me and himself he needs corrected and asks sincerely to be punished. Most of this takes scolding and interrogation to bring out the problem and make him acknowledge it verbally. It takes much more time than a quick spanking but is worth it if behavior modification is the goal. I use a brush or strap but I believe I could get the same results with just my hand. Rarely do I spank hard or fast in these situations. Generally I keep him over my lap for at least 30 minutes mixing medium strokes with scolding and making him confess his guilt over and over to drive into his head what he did and why he is being spanked. Being spanked this way is humiliating to him. I sometimes bring him to tears this way while he has never cried from a short fast spanking. A woman just doesn’t need to spank hard to deliver effective discipline. Spanking a man is mental and psychological more than physical. It’s about making him confront his behavior, committing to not repeating it and feeling he has atoned for it
    Marisa

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  13. BRAVO MARISA !!!!!

    You stated that so well...I especially liked the phrase "taking him to a place where he lets go to my authority..."

    Thanks
    anna

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    1. Hello anna,
      Thanks for the support and kind words. I did work on the post to try to say something really important to me about discipline. Your posts have inspired me to try to become more active on here ( time permitting) This is one of the best blogs dealing realistically with adult discipline. But the female perspective is sometimes missing and this question aroused my ire a little. Too many males think discipline is having their asses beat regularly by their wife or girlfriend.That's only a small part of it
      Marisa

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    2. Hi to you both, and Marisa, thanks for weighing in, and I hope you do so in the future. I'm sorry this question raised your ire. Now, to be fair, neither the poll or the follow-up topic asked what holds you back from delivering a more severe spanking. It asked merely what holds you back from giving stricter discipline OR assuming greater authority. Only one of the poll options--concerns about "hurting" him--really went to severity of the spanking, and even that one is open to some interpretation.

      I generally agree with you that spanking is only part of what is needed to get a man to a place where he can "let go to your authority." I agree that duration, demeanor, tone, are all a huge part. I will say, however, that since she changed to some tools that are far more painful than what she was using before, it definitely gets the message across in an even more substantial way.

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    3. Hello Dan,
      Your point is well taken and what may hold a woman back can be many things. I went through some of that when we started. But too many males posting here ,and even more so on other sites, confuse a punishment spanking which needs to be severe with a disciplinary spanking which seeks to teach or reinforce a lesson. Discipline is about teaching. Severe spanking is about punishment. I am not opposed to punishment spanking and in all candor receive satisfaction from administering one when appropriate. But if a woman is going to spank she should know the difference between punishment and discipline which to me basically goes to my purpose in spanking at all.
      Marisa

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    4. Wonder if you could describe this distinction more deeply, as I considered them one and the same. Do you mean punishment is the revenge motive at work? Letting off steam? Impatience? Aiming for swift compliance and stopping behaviour rather than instilling deep-level understanding?

      -Rob

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