Saturday, March 28, 2015

The Forum - Volume 83 - Motivations

Hi all.  I'm sorry I got a little behind in replying to comments over the last week.  Work has been crazy busy, and it was hard to get to everything I had going.   Thankfully, we have developed enough of a core group of commenters that things keep right on going without me.  That's a great thing.

On to this week's topic, and it is going to be another fairly open-ended conversation.  Our latest poll focused on motivations, i.e. on why we do This Thing We Do.  What is it that drives us to want or need bare-bottomed discipline, given the fairly obvious downside of pain, tears, etc.?  Here is what our readers had to say about it:

Need to be under somone's control
  48 (45%)
Behavior/performance improvement
  46 (43%)
Erotic motivation
  45 (42%)
Need/desire to be punished
  67 (63%)
Wife requires it
  22 (20%)
Other
  2 (1%)

It is interesting that all the factors I identified in the poll came into play to a substantial degree, other than the fairly small number of men whose wives simply impose the DD lifestyle.  It's also reassuring that only 2 people said their motivation is something other than the five factors I identified, so it seems I didn't miss any major motivations.

It does surprise me a little that the need or desire for punishment outranked facotrs like needing to be under someone else's control. That does seem to indicate that while there is overlap between the DD and FLR aspects of our readers' spanking relationships, it is not a 1:1 match.


So, what is your motivation for doing This Thing We Do, regardless of which side of the paddle you are on?

I have also added a new poll that focuses on our Disciplinary Wives' motivations.  I realize we still don't seem to have that many female readers, but the numbers are growing, so hopefully the poll will get at least a few responses. 

Have a great weekend.

Dan

32 comments:

  1. My wife and I established a list of goals for me. It's comforting and freeing to have a written list of goals and rules with enforced consequences. There already are natural consequences, health issues, and depression, but they don't motivate, they bring me down. I'm happier, more productive, and accomplish more goals with some external motivation.
    I wonder if my need for a FLR stems from my being raised without any enforced rules from the age of 13 on?

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    1. Thanks, Anonymous. I grew up in a similar enviornment, with baiscally no enofrced rules through my teenage years. LIke you, I've wondered whether that contributes to my desire for consequences now.

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  2. Prime Motivation:I enjoy it. It feeds my Sadistic nature. I laugh and smile more when we're doing it regularly.
    I spanked/paddled a man for 45 minutes last night. At the end, both of us were smiling. Yes, I'm perverted, but I enjoy being in charge.

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    1. Hi Merry. I think it would be great if more budding Disciplinary Wives openly acknowledged that they enjoy being in charge. Not doing so keeps them from being all they can be, and as one of our recent polls showed, most of the men who ask for this lifestyle want their wives to be even more in charge. So, not admitting that they enjoy taking control hurts both her and him.

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  3. Dan

    I am sure I know why I was drawn to discipline. I am the only child of a pair
    of hippies who became very successful as art dealers. I am an only child
    and was indulged and spoiled. Both my parents encouraged me to "express"
    myself. I always went to very progressive schools. So nowhere in my life
    was i taught discipline. I grew into a socially charming and had early success
    at my job.
    Spanking began as a lark in New York City, where i began my work career.
    As a goof, a group of us went to a club where people were spanked. My group
    made jokes but I snuck back a few weeks later and met a woman, an older
    woman. Long story short she spanked me and I felt a comfort and at ease
    both before and after. As this woman got to know me she began using the
    spankings to curb my short temper. There never was anything sexual about
    the spankings. I do confess often the next day i found it erotic.
    I soon moved away across country, met my wife Anna, and we began a family.
    I adored her and she was a great asset to my life. But I mssed being spanked.
    I found a professional who i visited every few weeks. There was no sex, it was
    only spanking. By this time I tried to use it as punishment for bad behavior
    but my marriage was falling apart.
    I think Anna's she submitted and is on your User Stories tells it better than I am
    doing here.
    After revealing this in therapy etc Anna and I embarked on home training and
    we do have our ups and downs but it gets better when, and only when, I submit.
    If i were to rate what drives me most it would be in this order.

    1) Need for bad behavior punishment
    2) Need for performance improvement
    3) Desire not need to be under her control
    4) The Erotic motivation
    5) The warmth I feel after when she holds me
    as she wipes away my emotional tears

    Peter


    Dan

    I am sure I know why I was drawn to discipline. I am the only child of a pair
    of hippies who became very successful as art dealers. I am an only child
    and was indulged and spoiled. Both my parents encouraged me to "express"
    myself. I always went to very progressive schools. So nowhere in my life
    was i taught discipline. I grew into a socially charming and had early success
    at my job.
    Spanking began as a lark in New York City, where i began my work career.
    As a goof, a group of us went to a club where people were spanked. My group
    made jokes but I snuck back a few weeks later and met a woman, an older
    woman. Long story short she spanked me and I felt a comfort and at ease
    both before and after. As this woman got to know me she began using the
    spankings to curb my short temper. There never was anything sexual about
    the spankings. I do confess often the next day i found it erotic.
    I soon moved away across country, met my wife Anna, and we began a family.
    I adored her and she was a great asset to my life. But I mssed being spanked.
    I found a professional who i visited every few weeks. There was no sex, it was
    only spanking. By this time I tried to use it as punishment for bad behavior
    but my marriage was falling apart.
    I think Anna's she submitted and is on your User Stories tells it better than I am
    doing here.
    After revealing this in therapy etc Anna and I embarked on home training and
    we do have our ups and downs but it gets better when, and only when, I submit.
    If i were to rate what drives me most it would be in this order.

    1) Need for bad behavior punishment
    2) Need for performance improvement
    3) Desire not need to be under her control
    4) The Erotic motivation
    5) The warmth I feel after when she holds me
    as she wipes away my emotional tears

    Peter

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    1. Hi Peter. As I've blogged about before, an in the comment to Anonymous above, I share the history of not really learning discipline as a child, and I do think that the lack of it back then contributes to my need for it now. And, if you are like me, it is hard to deny that the lack of discipline probably has contributed in some measure to our business success. Face it, a certain cavalier attitude about playing by other people's rules often contributes to rising above the crowd, and obeying every rule and established behavior that everyone else is following will, pretty much by definition, lead to average results. So, I don't really want to be a conformist or a rule follower all the time. But, like you, my temper and proclivity for bucking authority causes problems. So, it is a matter of degree, and I do recognize that I need help pulling myself to some kind of middle ground such that my lack of respect for authority is held at a more constructive point in the spectrum between slavish rule following and rebellion for the sake of rebellion.

      Your ranking is close to my own, though I am recognizing that the need to be under someone's control is becoming more significant over time.

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    2. Dan
      You hit it on the head. My success in my work is due to breaking rules, thinking outside the box.
      It is only lately that I see how i need to balance that more and still remain creative.
      peter

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    3. A few months ago, I had a topic related to whether there were any downsides to the DD and FLR lifestyles, and this was one possibility I have in mind, i.e does submitting to authority in this area of your life make you less assertive in other areas where such assertiveness may be part of what makes you successful. It is a very hard balance but, you'rre right, balance is the goal. Because, while I owe part of my sucesss to being a rule breaker, I also know that it has, on some occasions, put a ceiling on my upward momentum.

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  4. sorry for the double entry
    peter

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  5. We do it for one very special, very important reason. Our FLM has brought us closer than we have ever been in all the years we have been together. Spanking is merely one of the kinks that exists in our loving marriage, and we wouldn't have it any other way. It all strted one day when my wife casually asked and mentioned, will we still be hot for each other after the kids are grown and have moved out of the house? The rest, as they say, is history.

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  6. Spanking by my wife is simply a tool for disciplining me for bad behavior. Prior to the implementation of dd into our marriage, I was a “free spirit” that did as I pleased. I was unaccountable for my behavior and verbal correction was ineffective as I paid it no attention.
    Things that needed attention (i.e. house chores) went unattended. The dissatisfaction by my wife was ongoing and caused disagreements between us. All of this changed in a relatively short time as she took control and I soon realized there would be severe consequences for my not conforming to her established rules and requirements.

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    1. Sounds awesome. We did the same thing, while simultaneous doing orgasm control and denial. It changed our lives for the better, forever!

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  7. I have read your blog here for several months, but never commented. I have been married 22 years. My wife had never worked outside the home while out boys were growing up. She did however start a small catering business and I, thinking myself a tolerant and enlightened husband, told her it was fine for her to get a bit of pocket money,as long as housework, the boys and I were taken care of properly.
    Then 7 years ago the company I worked for went bankrupt and I was jobless. Very sweetly she suggested I come to work for her. It was only then I discovered her "little pocket money business" was very successful.
    I went to work for her. I am still there and her business now has 11 employees and we are about to expand
    She is the boss at work and now in our home. I came to find out she was a better manager, better with money
    etc. As employee I was given a set of rules and when I ignore or break the rules I am disciplined. Our marriage has never been better and I realize that now I treat her as a partner in life and my boss at work. Funny thing is I am a happier and healthier person.Perhaps it took a caning or two to make me realize that.

    Richard D.

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    1. Hi Richard. Thanks for contributing. I think the employer-subordinate relationship is a great analogy for what some of us are aiming for, and you've done it in real life.

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  8. Hi Dan,
    I’ve never been quite sure drew me to discipline.
    At first I thought it was simply an erotic interest in corporal punishment and a desire to experience it. Something that was always there.
    But in with Mistress we both felt our relationship could benefit if we used disciplinary methods to curb my lazy and overbearing ways.
    It’s only recently, triggered by everyone else here exploring their inner thoughts, that I’ve explored my own in much deeper way and come to realize that my desire for discipline in this relationship comes from years of marriage where I gradually allowed myself to lose my own self-discipline.
    I’m not suggesting my marriage could have been saved by the application of punishment because the root of its failure can be attributed equally to both sides.
    But what I am saying is I do not want to revisit that ill-disciplined person I was. And Mistress is happy to ensure I have no chance of slipping into bad habits.

    Interesting poll. I’d like to have seen the split between the need and the desire to be punished. I think they are two very different things. I think desire hints at a fancy for punishment, driven by erotic feelings. I certainly don’t have any desire to feel the cane!
    A need to be punished seems like much more of a psychological drive to suffer for some deep-seated reason – with no hint of anything sexual. A feeling of guilt that needs to be assuaged?
    Or maybe I’m talking claptrap.
    Just wondering if it’s worth discussion?
    I come under the ‘need’ heading rather than desire!

    gk

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    1. Hi GK. Definitely worth discussing in the future.

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  9. I'm probably different than most on this board. Similar in that I am a major risk taker in the business world and will things to happen. I'm also completely secure in challenging things I don't feel are correct. I wasn't happy working for large corporations that I felt limited me and so I started my own business which was extraordinarily successful, but not without a few battles and law suits.

    I let my business endeavors carry over to the home, and when I retired I could see that I was not as considerate as i should have been and because we had money we could do things for our kids, our parents, and each other.. My wife put up with me, but wasn't happy. because I wasn't letting her live her life. Our marriage became rocky and threatened. I treated her more like a secretary than a caring husband. All of a sudden the "light went on" . I realized finally (maybe matured) that I was the problem. I confessed to her that was the case. I asked her to make a list of all the things she was unhappy about because of my behavior. We discussed them. I told her that I would do my best to avoid doing the items on the list, and I would appreciate it if you would discipline me by spanking the hell out of me if I did. She asked me if I was serious and I said I was. She said well you've really deserved a good spanking for a long time, I'll do it, and you aren't going to like it.

    Well I got more than I bargained for because it was hard to break old habits for several months, But I improved a lot, and my wife got a lot out of her system, and our marriage and sex life got better and better. I only get paddled a few times a year now because I've learned to be a better husband and my wife has learned to paddle without mercy when I have it coming because she never wants me to return to my old self. I also have to admit I find giving her this power is somewhat erotic. The actual paddling's are anything but erotic, but I feel much better about myself when it's over because I know I deserved what I got and my guilt is short lived. I also appreciate my wife caring enough about our marriage to do it.and she is happy knowing that she can whenever she needs to. She still wants me to be responsible for all things not related to behavior and for me that's good...

    Fred



    Fred ..

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    1. Fred, one question. You first realized you had a problem and that you wanted to stop doing the things that were making her unhappy. But, what lead you to consider spanking as the way for her to make those bad behaviors stop?

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  10. My wife and I are both "professionals" - with roughly equal earnings - but what became a bone of contention was the allocation of household chores, which, I must admit, were unequally shared until she put her foot down!

    I still remember the first spanking I got (and dutifully accepted) for failing to perform one of my chores - and, from that day on, she made it her business to "keep me in line" (as she put it) with "appropriate" uses of a hairbrush, a kitchen spoon -and, in due time, of a martinet, a strap, and a rattan cane...

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    1. Hi Anonymous. It's great the found a good way to even things up

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  11. For me being under discipline frees me to be myself in my relationship and especially before, during and just after discipline. When I stand or kneel bare bottomed in front of her for a scolding or over her lap it is more than my bum that is bared but my entire self is stripped bare of pretense, arrogance or anger. Before a spanking I am scared and during it there is just pure punishment. But afterward I am at peace, guilt free and completely open to her. So my motivation is the freedom that comes from accepting boundaries and the consequences for violating them. It really is a paradox that giving up the right to behave badly without consequences frees you to accept those consequences and behave as you know you should
    Alan

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    1. I totally get it. I find that as we move more to an FLR instead of just DD, I experience that seem feeling that I feel more settled and peaceful even though there are more boundaries. Very paradoxical, but there is no denying the effect.

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  12. Response to Dan,

    If you recall, I mentioned that kids were spanked in front of the class when I was in grade school. The teacher was attractive and stern. I stayed out of trouble not wanting the embarrassment of getting the same. But that has always stuck with me. In my case, it made me think about spankings in an erotic way. Especially by a woman. Throughout our marriage we engaged in spanking foreplay with mostly love pats from me, and the more than occasional use of a paddle called "an attitude adjuster" by her we bought at a cavern gift shop she could use to scare our boys if they got out of line (and it worked and never had to be used). The foreplay definitely ramped things up for both of us.

    When things in our marriage were going South, my brain clicked, " maybe I should be disciplined. because I'm out of control." I went to the internet logging in on discipline in marriages. First I discovered the Spencer Spanking Plan and that made a lot of sense to me. It spelled out a program where problems were solved in marriages by consenting to be spanked by your spouse. I did more research and found the Disciplinary wives club. Husbands who were disciplined seemed positive about letting their wives spank them, but I was concerned about the intensity of thrashings they were dishing out and I had no intention to submit to any type of FLR arrangement, but would submit to a good paddling if the things I did that were upsetting my wife were listed and I agreed to. I sat down with my wife and told her I had come across a web site (The Spencer Plan) that I thought could improve our marriage and told her I would follow it if she agreed it made sense and gave it to her to read. She did and thought about it a bit, then said you are the one with the problem not me (the Spencer Plan called for spanking both husband and wife when they failed to abide by its terms (what you agreed to be spanked for). I said, yes, I know I'm the one with problems that need correction and not you so I would be the only one spanked if we can agree on the behavior that upsets you. At that point she said, well you have really needed a good spanking for a long time and maybe it will work. Then we discussed the issues I had that were upsetting her, and we agreed on a list that I would stop doing (or start doing as the case may be) or be paddled. We discussed the need for consistency, privacy, confidentiality, my acceptance of her decision to paddle me when I didn't live up to our agreement, and that she would use the paddle on her terms, not mine. I agreed and gave her the Disciplinary Wives Club and several other sites to review.

    About two days later I yelled at her. She said you just earned yourself a good paddling. I agreed and said I deserved one. Thereafter she fetched her sorority paddle (I didn't even know she had) and I went pants down, over the couch, and got thirty hard whacks about 15 seconds apart. That was the start and we bought several other corporal punishment implements online and my wife has learned that DWC style paddling's and strappings do accomplish their purpose. They are not used as often anymore because I follow the rule's agreed to, except my temper still gets me into trouble occasionally. We have been five years into DD, and we are better communicators, more intimate, and more in love, even at our ages. For wives that read this web site, if you are having issues with your husband, take the initiative and introduce him to the Spencer Plan, and I believe most husbands know they could use a paddling or two when they misbehave, and will accept your discipline. It is a much better solution than nagging which I believe drives spouses apart.

    Fred.

    Fred


    .

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    1. Fred, thanks for the reply. I admit, I have never quite understood how the Spencer Plan would really work with both parties as spankees. Seems fraught with potential problems. I tend to believe, as Rhiannon says in her blog, that relationships really are not usually equal, and it is hard to make them so. But, that may just be my bias, and it comes in part from the fact that i have no desire or inclination to ever spank my wife or any other woman.

      Dan

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  13. Dan
    Last week i related an incident where i was rude to Anna and she came to my deserted office that Sunday afternoon, pulled down my sweats and blistered my bottom with a belt. Earlier that day I had a blowup with my boss about this project we were working on. i kept demanding not to edit my work. After the session with Anna i sat at my desk and tried some and i want to say only some of
    bosses suggestions.
    Today the project is a go and my boss in addition gave me a huge bonus. Anna will be thrilled and i felt a true sense of balance.
    a more balanced peter
    ( for now at least )

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    1. That's really great, Peter! I had a similar experience regarding getting a nice bonus recently. But, unlike you it came after a year when the powers that be probably should have just fired my ass for insubordination. It's why I really wish I had someone at work to just rat me out for the bad behavior. But, at least you are a postive example for me.

      Dan

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    2. Dan
      Two things!
      Be good to yourself and know there will be setbacks.
      Also your comments to Alan tonite about going to FLR from just DD. Stay on that path. I think for us both that is the right path.Spiritually I stand behind you.

      A fellow hothead
      peter

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    3. Agreed 100%. Thanks for the support and example. Where personal growth is concerned, it is definitely an impediment to be a successful hothead. Thank goodness we have wives who make us pay the price!

      Dan

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  14. I am a husband to a wife that has been slow on wanting to be in charge of our marriage. In my case the wife still wants a strong man in her life but, a husband she has control over. It took me a long time to figure this out for myself as when I use to be really submissive to her it was a BIG turn off for her.
    It all came together when she was finding fault with my money spending. Especially my cash checks to our checking account. I would write cash checks for up to eight hundred dollars a month to spend on my "private" stuff. One day a box came in the mail and she had me open it and it was the new Kitchen Safe clear container with a locking timer on top. The wife had me put my five credit cards inside and spun the dial which locks it for ten days at a time. All in very clear view of myself and anybody that sits in the kitchen.
    A month later we went to our (her bank now) and closed out our joint account and started a new one in her name only with me as rights of survivorship on the banks paperwork with no check writing authority. This was all done with my agreement sitting in front of the banks secatary smiling at me and the wife the whole time.
    My work deposit checks are now placed in her account as I had to furnish the work with the new account number voided check.
    I am given a two hundred dollar allowance each month and have to write down in a little notebook where each of those dollars go. This month of April I was given one hundred fifty because of some bad choices she says.
    Tell you the truth I am more happy then when I was free to spend for anything. If the car needs fixed and I need a check she signs one for me to use.
    Last week while we were out with friends I didn't agree with a comment she made and right in front of this other wife she swats me hard enough on my butt it surprised me, On the drive home I apologized to her.
    So I am thinking all these years thinking I had a vanilla wife.
    Jim S

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  15. Dan, The Spencer Plan was one of the first public notice that considered spanking as a solution to marital problems. It was meant to balance the power in the marital relationship and stop other forms of mental punishment (e.g. nagging, cold shoulder, etc.) that often resulted in divorce. It got the ball rolling in what I think was the right direction, certain behavior is agreed to justify a spanking, when it happens, CONSISTENCY is necessary to correct (if you violate an agreed upon behavior you are spanked). Once spanked, you are forgiven, and normal relations return. Problems are solved quickly before they fester and boil. So the Plan was a good one if the parties accepted it. Many women want the same kind of controls we want as disciplined husbands. My wife doesn't fit into that category, but many do. If it works for both parties great.

    The ideas behind the Plan, modified to fit the situation and needs of a couple can be implemented where only one party agrees to be the spanker and the other a spankee. In our case, I was the one who needed to give my wife this power to balance our relationship. If I violate a rule, she has a way of dealing with it and letting off some steam in the process. I have agreed to accept her power and the marriage re-balances. My knowing she has this power helps me understand the things I do that are counter productive to a solid marriage, and becoming much more careful in not doing those things, because I might be enamored with the idea of being spanked by a strong woman, paddling's and .other forms of corporal punishment are no fun at all when it is happening to you, and you are much more aware of behaving or you will be sorry you didn't. In our case, the key is to have a wife who will consistently enforce the rule harshly when you don't behave, and love you when you do behave, In our case, once I am thrashed, we hug, kiss, I apologize for getting off track, and that often leads to intimacy. So, the Spencer Plan was a forerunner to many husband/wife relationship styles that work in marriages.

    Fred










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    1. I have no objections to the notions advocated in the famous " Spencer Spanking plan", allegedly written in 1936 ( or as early as 1922) by Dorthy Spencer ( sometimes identified as Dr Dorthy Spencer. But readers may wish to know that several efforts to track down the elusive Dorthy Spencer as well as the origins of the plan itself have failed to turn up any evidence that she was a real person.It is possible she was real but the proof is lacking. It seems likely one or more unnamed people .wrote the plan or plans ( there are several versions of it) to lend legitimacy and authenticity to adult consensual spanking. Consensual spanking today of course has wide acceptance as an adult choice. But when the "Spencer Plan" was first circulated ( possibly in the 1950's) it was not seen as so legitimate

      Alan

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  16. The Spencer Plan may not have been seen as legitimate in the mainstream but if you look back to old copies of John Willie's Bizzare or London Life it becomes clear that domestic discipline was widely practiced, at least within the fetish community who read such literature - and that female-led relationships employing the use of corporal punishment were not uncommon either. Again, as Alan points out the validity of the letters in those publications may well be question but the fact is that even if they were not authentic, the topics for discussion tends to lead to the conclusion that such relationships were not as uncommon as we might think.

    gk

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