Saturday, March 14, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 81 - Resistance

Hi all.  I hope you had a good week and are enjoying your weekend. 

This week's topic is about dealing with resistance.  There are obviously going to be times when we are less cooperative than others.  Maybe you are distracted by work or other issues that need immediate attention.  Or, maybe a punishment was ordered that you feel was not really deserrved.  At those times when you are feeling less cooperative, have you ever actively resisted a spanking or even refused to comply?  If so, how she deal with it? How should she?

Have a great week!

Dan

32 comments:

  1. Hi Dan,
    Great question. Everyone must go through this to some extent because you can’t know how much a spanking hurts until fantasy is replaced with reality. Resisting being spanked at first is pretty natural although not very smart. With my wife today I give her almost no resistance because I know how important to her that I cooperate and not in any way challenge her authority. Resisting discipline is very destructive of her trust and I understand this. That means I have been spanked sometimes when I thought I didn’t deserve it or didn’t want it. But this is a small price to pay for empowering her and not undermining her decisions. Two times, one when we were engaged and another our first year of marriage I did refuse a spanking. Both times she put me on the couch until I came to her and apologized and asked to be punished. She made me masturbate and then caned me both times and I think that broke me from any further resistance. I have not given her any trouble since then and am well past the point I ever would. It isn’t just the severity of the punishment but because I have seen how resistance upsets her. It was different with the girlfriend who introduced me to DD. I had no idea what a real adult spanking felt like and I jumped off her lap several times during the early phase of discipline with her. The first couple of times I did it she became upset but then she would calmly stand up and just keep repeating the command I was to get back into position almost hypnotizing me until I obeyed her. She then would start the spanking over. I remember vividly even now that one day I was being hairbrushed . I don’t remember for what but it was a serious spanking and it reached that point where I “ knew” I couldn’t take any more and that is the point I would jump up or try to stop it. But this time the thought came to me that I deserved what I was getting and I needed to take it and that she was doing it for us and somehow I got through it (my bum just went numb as I remember) I don’t think I ever resisted her again although I did continue to try to talk my way out of being spanked, something today I would never do with my wife.
    Alan

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    1. Thanks, Alan. That compulsion to get up when you think you can't take any more is one reason I keep thinking about experimenting with having her tie me down, so I have no choice but to accept it.

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    2. Dan

      Hope you try it sometime ( being tied down" and see where it takes you. It might make it possible for you to accept future spankings without being bound. I say this because it was the fear that first kept me from letting go to it as much as the pain. When you get to that point of letting go and actually cooperating with the spanking there is great satisfaction for both of you. Looking back I think it was shame at not taking a spanking I needed and asked for that first overcame the fear of letting go. After that I am not going to say it is easy because it isn't but you know you can do it and the reward for doing it and it does become easier. Try it

      Alan

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    3. So far, I have not gotten up, but it takes a lot of will, and I sometimes think that act of will keeps me from really giving it to what is happening at that moment

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    4. I'm intrigued by alan's intro to DD. Not often the woman brings it to the table.

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  2. Like all of us, we have to seek what suits us. My relationship with my wife is 60/40, the 60% going to her. But I am not a child, nor does she want a child, so I do not get spanked if I do not want one or I can delay it if I chose. But very rarely do I refuse a spanking, because she does not spank me for small things. For instance, I do not get spanked for forgetting to take the trash out to the trash can, but I do get spanked for forgetting to take the trash can to the curb and we miss trash pick-up. There is one variation to our spanking that is rarely mentioned that works for us. I want and let my wife spank me when she needs to release her anger at some outside frustration. This started when she did not get a promotion that she had worked for and the she believed that the person who got it did not deserve it. She was furious, but could not show it at work. She was a bear all evening, so I suggested that she take her frustration on me. She was reluctant, but I told her that it might help and sacrifice is part and parcel of a relationship. If I had known how hard she was going to spank me, I probably would have kept my mouth shut. After a few tentative swats, she went at it with a vengeance. It was the worst spanking I have ever received. The bruises lasted forever and it was days before I could sleep on my back. But the reward was worth it: she got the frustration and anger out her system; she really appreciated my sacrifice; and the care she showed me afterwards was very emotional. She later told me that after the bruises set in, she realized the extent I had allowed myself to be object of her anger. Thus, a validation of the depth of my love for her. Now this does not happen often, maybe only two times a year, but it really keeps her on an even keel.

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    1. HI Anonymous. That is quite a sacrifice, and it sounds like she appreciates the extent of it. Thanks for contributing.

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  3. In our relationship I asked for her to control me and that meant discipline when called for. A few times I felt a spanking was not called for but still submitted to the spanking. Why? Because I was the one that gave her control. She either has control or you top from the bottom. I had also requested maintenance to reinforce her control over me and she agreed.

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    1. I think this is one of the differences between DD and an FLR -- discipline on the one hand, and control on the other. It's a spectrum, but submitting to an "undeserved" spanking does involve a level or scope of submission that is probably different than submitting to discipline for a particular offense.

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  4. I know better than to resist - because the rule (her rule) is that I only get spanked when I have deserved it... and she is the final judge of that. The few times when I have attempted to argue, or to plead 'not guilty' only earned me a "supplement"...

    She will (occasionally) respond to my request for a delayed spanking - during which "grace time" I am usually expected to stand in the corner (bare-bottomed, as a rule)

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  5. Resistance? Never in our regime! It was made very clear to me early on that if we were going to re-order our relationship along these lines that ANY refusal to comply with her decision to punish, or any lack of cooperation before, during or after would have a fundamental impact on our relationship. There IS no way of going back to the 'old, pre DD ways'.

    I am much bigger and stronger and so could easily resist but that would break the magic spell. I accept that I misbehave and I accept the consequences. I have relinquished that control - willingly.

    Now I do not deny that as her skill and confidence have increased that I do not try to delay or wriggle out of what has become a very painful experience. She knows (almost) all my tricks and if she has decided that the time is right for some re-establishing of her control or some punishment then it invariably happens at a time she chooses and as hard as she feels is needed.

    The couple of times where I felt that it was marginally unfair saw me 'grinning and bearing' - I made my protests even as I was getting into position and I growled my way through the 1st couple of minutes until, as usual, she broke my resistance and I ended up pleading for an end to it - as usual. Afterwards I had forgotten that I felt it was unfair in the after glow - and being honest, there are many, many offenses that she either did not know about or missed.

    Resistance? What's the points?

    TB

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    1. Thanks, TB. I think both you and KD make one very valid point -- while may feel "unfair" to get spanked for something "undeserved," what about all those bad things that we all get away with and go unpunished? In the balance, we're probably getting off easy.

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  6. Another great topic for real people actively living this lifestyle! I will confess that I would love to come out and say that I am 100% compliant and never resist.....but it's just not the case. I would say over 90% of the time it is, and the clearer the offense, the easier it is for both of us to proceed with punishment. But there are times for each of us that emotion clouds the issue.

    Sometimes if called out on something I become very defensive. Sometimes that response is merely due to the embarrassment of having been 'caught', but sometimes it is a very deeply seated feeling of frustration at having done everything I thought I should do and still have it fall short.

    Other times Rosa's emotional response to something will cause her to become angry at a situation based more on the circumstances than my actions and she will want to punish me even though, when she thinks about it, she really can't point out to where I was at fault. This happens very very rarely, but she is only human.

    In practice, when an instance of resistance occurs, it will be handled in one of three ways: Rosa will insist on the punishment, she will defer the punishment until I come to terms with what she is upset about and do see my fault, or on rare occasion she will see the unfairness of her decision and suspend the punishment rather than cause a damaging and trust-eroding level of resentment.

    We also recognize a certain Femdom/FLR aspect to our DD, and I have agreed to be spanked for any reason she chooses. I am even subject to "proxy spankings" where she will be upset at someone she is not in a position to punish and will use me as her outlet. I am fine with anything she wishes..................as long as she and I are clear on why I am submitting to a spanking. That's sort of my condition for my level of submission. I'll go along with just about anything as long as the reason for it is clearly defined. Where I have the most problem is when the reasons get cloudy and I am not exactly sure 'why' I'm being spanked. If Rosa says, "you didn't disobey, I'm not mad at you, but I'm going to spank you anyway because............(whatever)" I'm fine with it. It's those rare times when her annoyance with sometime peripheral to my behavior triggers her desire to spank that we sometimes hit a resistance issue. Even then, she has learned that all she has to do is clarify her position, and I will still drop my resistance and allow her her outlet. I just don't like being "punished" for something I did not do. And maybe that's a good distinction: punishment versus spanking. I can accept a spanking, no matter how hard or "unfair" if it's just a spanking, even if my 'spanking' is meant as someone else's 'punishment'.....as long as it's my spanking and not my punishment.

    LOL...Heck, I do enough to warrant a punishment anyway, I don't need help from the outside world. 'Spanking' as an activity in and of itself is just one of our mutually agreed upon understandings wherein Rosa can impose one whenever and however she wishes.

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    1. It's probably because we are both spanking enthusiasts and were so before engaging in a DD commitment. We used to "play" with spanking and we still enjoy "playing" with it. Interestingly we have found that this simple activity can be used as both punishment and treat. That's probably why the distinction going into one is so important to me.

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  7. I am sorry to admit that I have in the past resisted punishment.
    I’ve resisted when told to fetch the cane for a variety of reasons – including feeling unwell, or having too much work to focus on. Totally unacceptable but I’m being honest here.
    But more recently, two nights ago, I was secured over the bench and had suffered three strokes of the cane when, in a fit of panic, I could take no more and begged for Mistress to stop.
    I don’t understand why I behaved like this. For years I’ve had a deep-seated need to be caned – and I’m in a relationship where there is a mechanism for this to happen. And when our DD regime is working, our relationship is perfect.
    This has happened before – and I’ve blogged about it - but this recent episode has left me very upset and baffled. And Mistress is very annoyed, as well as being upset too.
    But at the moment I can’t cope – even though I want to submit to her discipline and, actually, feel that I need it.
    Mistress did indeed stop immediately and once we had put the canes away, we sat and discussed why I felt this way – and what we could do to resolve the issue, if indeed it was worth resolving. We questioned whether we should stop DD altogether.
    My view is that the recent punishment session came after several weeks of inactivity and neither of us, especially me, were in a mindset conducive to maintaining a strict discipline environment.
    My thoughts are that we need more consistency in maintaining our DD regime.
    I think I need to understand that there will be no escape from punishment, and no matter how busy we are, we need to ensure that we both remain focused on our DD rules.

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    1. I have read RM’s blog regularly and most of his comments here. His on and off behavior is atrocious although I give him credit for being honest about it. His wife must be a saint for going through all the drama with him. A man who is as afraid of the cane as he is and who from what he says gets some severe discipline should be by now both obedient and reasonably well behaved. But he isn’t. I don’t think more corporal punishment would do it although more consistent punishment might help. I think his problem is his ego and hanging onto to some kind of childish notions that he shouldn’t be spanked or his wife shouldn’t need to spank him. My recommendation is that she precedes every punishment with use of a strap on or large dildo if she prefers. Doing this before the spanking does wonders for getting the male ego under control and inducing submissiveness. It works after a spanking too but not as well. I doubt if a couple of sessions like this will get RM under control but she should try a month or so and see where they are. The more you use a strap on that way the more submissive and obedient he will become and she can decide just how far she wants to take it. It will work for her
      Amy

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    2. Hi Amy,

      You are of course right that my behaviour is unacceptable - 'atrocious' even. It's something I identified from my previous marriage and don't want to revisit.

      I discussed all my faults with Mistress when we first got together and we arrived at our DD regime when Mistress could see my slipping into my old ways.

      I don't think it's my ego as such, though I bow to your judgement, that holds me back, it's simply a case of overcoming a deep-seated embarrassment about going through the disciplinary process.

      I wish I could explain that better but something inside me won't allow me to fully submit, even though I feel much better when I do.

      As for the use of a strap-on, I can see it's merits in a BDSM relationship, and understand the humbling nature of being treated that way, but I think both of use prefer the old fashioned methods of corporal punishment to maintain discipline.

      Respectfully,

      gk

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    3. Dear gk,

      If "overcoming a deep-seated embarrassment about going through the disciplinary process" isn't male ego I don't know what would qualify as an ego needing to be brought under control. Using the strep on .is every bit as much discipline as spanking and is especially helpful for unruly boys like you. You appear to fear he strap on and your wife doesn't use it. Good enough but if you want to get through that fear and embarrassment of letting go to your wife and ask her politely to use a strap on or dildo when you need it. You will be amazed at the results
      Amy

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  8. Dan, further to my comments, I put your questions to Mistress and this is the response she’s asked me to post:

    I was really upset with the way gk behaved the other night. His begging was a pathetic display for a grown man and was the final straw in a several incidents of him fighting my authority.
    We’ve talked over why he behaves this way and he can’t really come up with any valid explanation apart from the fact that we’re not consistent enough with our regime. He’s right in a way – but it’s no excuse for questioning my authority for wriggling out of the cane.
    I’ve decided, since we have had several months now where DD has been largely overlooked, that we need to do something drastic to get him towing the line again.
    It’s not all his fault. We’ve both been very busy with our work and it’s been too easy to overlook our relationship – on all levels, not just DD.
    I offered him the opportunity of discarding our DD regime. But he’s adamant he wants to continue.
    I’ve also offered him the opportunity to go as see someone else for the discipline he ‘needs’ but he refused that too.
    Quite honestly Dan, I believe, from everything he said and everything I know that he needs my discipline to keep him in line. So what I’ve decided is that I am going to retrain him – this is the first he’s heard of this as he’s taking my dictation. We’re going back to basics. He’s going to be set tasks and chores on a daily basis – and he’s going to have to stick to the rules we’ve had for some time.
    For the next few weeks, he is going to be submissive to me 24/7 – not just when he feels like it. And if he fails or displeases he will be punished whether he likes it or not. He needs to be in the submissive mindset all the time and not just when he’s in the mood to be.
    And if he fails to be 100% compliant after this period of training, then at least I’ve upheld my side of the bargain and given him every opportunity to lead the DD regime that he says he wanted.

    Mistress

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    1. That sounds like a very reasonable response to the situation.

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    2. Dan
      I have resisted commenting on this topic to see if perhaps another wife might speak for me. Respecting Mistress I believe hit it on the head. I feel this applies to couples who see this as Domestic Discipline or Female Led Marriages.
      Either we wives have the authority to spank on our terms or not. If the husband feels it isnt deserved or is not given at the time he feels he wants it ,or it is too long
      or too short it does indeed become, if i may borrow from bdsm lingo, topping from the bottom. I know for me when that occurs I feel I would just as soon stop.

      One last word, this is a journey and one that is, for most couples, a series of failures
      and successes. I do know that the more we communicate the better things are. Now
      I will step off my soapbox. Thanks again, for just having this place for all of us to learn from one another.

      Best
      anna

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    3. Hi Anna. This is also a response to Amy, above. I probably should wait to let a few other Disciplinary Wives weigh in but, Anna, you're right. Few have. A few points:

      -- Resistance, and lack of disciplinary consistency, can both happen. Often, the real world intrudes. He may be overwhelmed by work other demands. She may have had an overwhelmingly hard day and the last thing she wants to do is take charge again at home. These things happen in REAL relationships, as opposed to so much of the Femdom crap that gets posted these forums.
      -- That said, when it is not the real world, but just "on again, off again" changes of motivation that inhibit getting into a DD rhythm, that is a lot harder to deal with on both sides.
      -- For the men, it is incredibly important that you accept that if you want this to work, it can't just be on your terms. You cannot gripe and bitch that your wife is not consistent enough or rigorous enough, then when she steps up you undercut her authority by refusing to comply.
      -- I speak with some personal experience here. We had an incident a few weeks ago in which my wife did step up and order discipline. Unfortunately, it was when I was in the middle of a work crisis, and I just did not have time. Or didn't feel that I did. I wouldn't say I refused, but I sent the clear signal that this was not a good time. BUT, I could tell that in that one display of resistance, I had undermined her efforts. So, the next day, I told her that she needed to discipline me twice -- once for the original offense and once as a punishment for not giving in the first time.
      -- For the women, if you feel undermined when your husband refuses to submit, this is exactly what he feels when you have set a rule, he has broken it, and it goes unpunished because you were too busy, distracted, not into at that time, etc. This does, in fact, work both ways.

      One of the best statements I have seen on this topic is on Rhiannon's blog under the posting "Consistency." It was in reading her postings that I really started getting that, while it is hard be consistently in the DD or FLR space, it is really harder not to. Trying to go back and forth, living it sometimes by not others . . that is what is really hard. Since I started thinking through that theme, I have talked to my wife several times about the need to do try to be in that DD/sub space if not all the time, then at least very consistently. And, you know what . . . it is working much better for both of us.
      --

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  9. Well, when She grabs me by the arm and throws me on the bed, i know it's time to straighten up..quickly! But(t) of course, by then it's too late...! sara e

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  10. Shilo has resisted in the past, gotten stubborn, and even snuck out the back door once. (I laugh about that one) still, he received corner time and a spanking. More recently, while my health has greatly improved, he continues to have issues with his health, and it's persistent. I can not, in good conscience discipline him with the health issues he's been having,

    In the meantime, he was given a (mild) warning at work on Monday, and I get the feeling that this is going to continue to be an issue for him. He seems to be doing well about staying off the cigarettes, but I get the feeling the pressure st work will put him over the edge. Things just get more difficult, and all I can do is hope for the best.

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  11. Hi Dan,

    I totally agree with you about the importance accepting a DD regime to be on 'her' terms rather than the males. I'm the worst offender on wanting it on my terms, but having said that, the fact that I recognise this, hopefully means it's something that can be corrected.

    It's something I'm working at but obviously need help and 'encouragement' from Mistress to achieve.

    And like you say, one moment of questioning her authority completely ruins any confidence that she might have built and the consistency of the regime goes out of the window.

    We've had many ups and downs but continue to work together to keep it going because when it is working, we believe it enhances our relationship.

    gk

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  12. I absolutely agree with Alan (03/14/15 @ 2:37 PM) that restraints are the perfect prescription for your situation. If true domestic discipline is where you and your wife want to go, then the paddle is the bicycle and restraints are the training wheels. In order for real discipline to work, your wife not only has to have your consent (authority), she also has to have the physical ability to discipline, even without your specific consent for that particular occasion. I have never seen our DD relationship as me being the submissive. I don’t even see it as female dominance. I see it as female empowerment. For my wife the wooden paddle is just another tool she needs to properly run her home - much like pots, pans, etc.

    I too was a husband for which spanking was 20% a fetish and 80% really about discipline. I confess to having topped from the bottom on occasion. For years spanking was part of our marriage but was used as a “last resort” punishment and only on rare occasions - and on several of those occasions, I refused because I didn’t want to for one reason or another. Several years went by without any disciplinary spanking whatsoever. Then one day we just had a discussion where both of us came to the conclusion that while spanking was rarely used in the past, it always worked when it was - mainly because it brought us closer together afterwards. At the very least it served to “clear the air” and restore marital harmony in each and every case. We then decided that it should become the “default” or “first response” punishment from now on and that the wife would have to be able to administer a spanking not 9 of 10 times, but 100 out of 100 times in order for discipline to be effective.

    I have a love/hate relationship with spanking itself. I love the concept, love the anticipation, love the aftermath, but I HATE the actual spanking. However, spanking definitely makes me feel much better afterwards and no doubt helps the marital relationship.

    Carl H

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    1. Hi Carl. I agree and think we will try it at some point in the near future. I also agree with you onthe love-hate relationship with spanking as DD. The aftermath really is something I have come to appreciate more and more over time.

      Thanks for contributing. I hope you keep doing so in the future.

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  13. I sometimes disobeyed my bossy lover. But usually I obeyed. I explained why. A woman should be pleased by general compliance although she might prefer that her man comply always.

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  14. I sometimes disobeyed my bossy lover. But usually I obeyed. I explained why. A woman should be pleased by general compliance although she might prefer that her man comply always.

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  15. I sometimes disobeyed my bossy lover. But usually I obeyed. I explained why. A woman should be pleased by general compliance although she might prefer that her man comply always.

    ReplyDelete

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