Saturday, February 28, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 79 - Assurances for Tentative Disciplinary Wives

Hello all.  Happy Saturday.  I hope you all had a great week.   This post is one that I think a lot of disciplined husbands may want to ask their wives to read.  Because it touches on a dynamic that I strongly suspected cut across a lot of DD and FLR relationships.  For the last few weeks, our Forum has had a poll open consisting of some very binary questiions for disciplined men about exactly how it is they wish their wives would approach this aspect of the relationship, all centering in one or another on the level of intensity and control the desire.  The available answers in each case being a simple "more" or "less."  Do we want more severe spankings, or less?  More frequent discipline, or less?  Wives who exercise more control over us, or less.  Well, the results are in and, for once, they are consistent with my pre-existing biases:

"If I could change my DD relationship, I wish (pick one from each pair that applies)":

Spankings were more severe
  88 (63%)
Spankings were less severe
  4 (2%)
Discipline was more frequent
  112 (81%)
Discipline was less frequent
  3 (2%)
My partner would exercise more control over me
  94 (68%)
My partner would excercise less control over me
  5 (3%)
My partner was more openly dominant
  86 (62%)
My partner was less openly dominant
  6 (4%)


Now, I've always cautioned that all these polls have to be taken with a very big grain of salt.  The sample sizes are limited, they are open to anyone who stops by, and the people who stop by may not be a representative sample of the DD community, let alone the community at large.   But, these results are so lop-sided, that is hard NOT to read something real into them.  Our Disciplined Husbands (at least the 138 who voted) resoundingly, overwhelmingly want their wives to do what they are doing -- only MORE SO.

 (Note, the overall percentages don't work out well, because people had the option of responding to less than all questions, so you really have to compare the votes for each binary choice.)

This poll also has a bit of a history.  It extends from an off-line email conversation I had with one of our Disciplinary Wives in which she expressed what I think is a very common concern, i.e. that in being consistently rigorous in enforcing her rules and being a strong Leader in the relationship, it might be more than he wanted.  I told her I really doubted it and that, at least for me, the best advice I saw on the old Disciplinary Wives Club was to err on the side of being strict and severe.  The men who ask for these kind of relationships want them for a reason.  They really, truly, want to be subject to hard, consistent discipline.  If he isfeeling any disappointment, it is much more likely to be because his wife is not being strict enough, not being consistent enough, not being severe enough.

These results certainly bear that out.  Where spankings are concerned, disciplined men want them to be harder and more frequent.  With the level of control, it's the same.  Very slighlty fewer want a more openly dominant spouse, but the results still tilt way on the side of "more."

Now, there are two possible takeaways for our Disciplinary Wives.  The first, and one I hope you don't feel, is that this puts you under more pressure to lead and to be stern and, in short, to be even more of something that you're already struggling with.  But, the alternative way to look at it--and this dovetails nicely with last week's question--is that to the extent any "struggles" you have with stepping into the role of a full DD wife are because you think that he may balk, resist or be silently unhappy, these results are a very strong indication that you likely have his full and complete permission to take on all the leadership you are willing to take.  The odds are very high that he wants you to be stern, he wants you to be strict, he wants you to rigorously enforce your rules.  And, he wants to pay a price when he screws up.  Therefore, if part of you really likes being in full control of your relationship and really wants to be his disciplinarian, this poll says one thing:  Jump in with both feet!

As always, I think the key is communication.  If you have doubts about whether your particular Disciplined Husband wants "more" or "less" or is a Goldilocks mental state of "its just right,"  then ask him outright.  But, based on this poll, there is a strong chance that he really wants you in the role of leader of the relationship and will turn over the control if you're willing to take it.

I don't really have an actual question on this one.  Instead, I'll just open it up for comments.

Have a great weekend!

Dan

32 comments:

  1. Dan it's clear that there is a desire for more frequent and more intense control from our Disciplinary wives. Granted, this sample size is from a very narrow of people that have probably navigated their way to the poll because they inherently have the desire to begin with. I believe that as time goes on, our way of live will become more and more acceptable and therefore desirable among otherwise "normal, regular" husbands. Great topic.

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    1. Possibly, though I'm not sure whether that would necessarily be a good thing. A little less stigma would be nice. A little more openness would be good. But, let's face it, there is a feeling of naughtiness that comes along with doing something that is not wholly accepted, and I'm not sure I would want to give that up.

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    2. Yes, a little less stigma would be nice. You know what else would be nice? If I actually read my comments before hitting the "publish" button. Good lord, the mistakes are plentiful.

      I also agree. I do relish in the naughtiness of my life as a submissive husband. I do enjoy being among a group of vanilla friends, knowing that when I am alone with my wife, things are decidedly different.

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  2. Shilo and myself have pretty much been "on hiatus" for a few months from any strong discipline due to health issues (his and mine) but over the past week or so, we finally had a few good sessions, and I can't begin to tell you how much I've missed it.

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    1. I'll bet the both of you have missed your sessions. Welcome back.

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    2. Thank you! I really enjoy watching his bottom change to 50 shades of pink!

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    3. I know how you feel. Well, I should say Mistress K. knows how you feel. We submissive husband really enjoy that you really watching our bottoms turn red. Thank you!

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  3. I wish I had found your blog before the poll closed. However, I would have voted with the majority on all counts. I found a set of books published by Ms. Francy who nicely explained that women should err on the side of too hard. After reading them my wife is spanking me much harder, something I am glad. She also likes the level of stress relief for her when spanking harder.

    That said, I still wish she'd take charge more and more often.

    Interesting post.
    Ken (SpankedbymyLady blog)

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    1. Hi Ken. Sorry you missed the poll. Thanks for contributing.

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    2. Ken - my wife found that expression somewhere along the way as well - when in doubt, err on the side of longer and harder. She occasionally recites it - when deciding if she is done with me or not - whereupon I get another round for good measure. --al

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  4. I totally agree with sub hub and spankedbywife. I crave the control the knowing what she wants me to do to please her. Although discipline spanking really hurts it's good for me to learn to be a better husband. More pleasing is the maintenance spanking to remind me of my place. Now those I love.
    archedone

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  5. I’m with everyone else on this – I’m not surprised one bit by the results. For myself, I need Mistress to show her authority for our FLR to have any effect. Without authority, there is no real discipline and the FLR becomes merely a game.
    The problem in our FLR is that I sometimes confront Mistress’ authority and often don’t accept it. I know I am in the wrong but, as the same time, it’s those times when I need a strict authoritarian person who will not back down.
    We had an interesting incident out at coffee this morning. I made some glib statement, which annoyed Mistress and she really tore me off a strip. She was much more angry than I’ve seen her and I found myself feeling very small, very embarrassed and very apologetic. But I also felt very submissive and willing to accept her comments and they were fully deserved.
    I think it’s that kind of authority that would benefit us both – even if I am put in my place from time to time..
    I certainly don’t want her to punish me any harder or frequently than she does but I know that if she did, I would become more malleable to her authority. I’d have because I couldn’t cope with the discipline!
    I’ve already reached the point where I try to avoid punishment at all costs so for her to take it to another level, which she often threatens she is capable of, would, I believe, be a very effective way for her to take full control.
    You say we want hard, consistent discipline. I don’t think in my case it’s so much a case of want, but need.

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    1. Hi RM. I think this hits on it. You will try to avoid punishment, and often can, so the discipline is really going to be effective only if it is both hard and unavoidable.

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  6. I think husbands and wives who are just getting started trend toward more strictness and harder spankings. I suspect that's also true of men who wish to be submissive and prefer their wives' make decisions for them. I don't fit in that category. In my case I look at DD as an excellent, quick, marital problem solver. Because I know my behavior causes problems in our relationship, I can accept discipline from my wife when I screw up and it relieves my guilt and probably some of my wife's stress, and when the punishment if over, we get back to normal, in fact, usually better than normal. When we first agreed to rules and behaviors that we both agreed were unacceptable, in the beginning my wife didn't spank me nearly as hard as she should have. They hurt, but they were not really a deterrent, even though on my own I tried to improve myself. It didn't take her too long, about two months, to learn she needed to give me a true DWC paddling, she did, I never thought she had it in her to paddle me so hard and it was everything I could do to take all of it. Needless to say, I tried much much harder not to screw up, as those paddling's were something to avoid at all costs. Otherwise I continue to be the leader and decision maker on all areas not related to misconduct and discipline where my wife is the firmly established boss. Although I could agree to being disciplined for bad behavior, I could not relinquish my role as family leader and decision maker in areas not involving my bad behavior. My wife has no hesitancy to paddle me for bad behavior, but at the same time she would prefer I be the leader and decision maker in the family. That doesn't mean we don't consult on such matters, we do, and we usually agree, but if we don't agree, I make the decision. Except for the fact the discipline is much harsher than that advocated by the Spencer Spanking Plan, we otherwise follow it with the exception than only I am spanked. One other thing about the Spencer Plan, if you know you've screwed up and deserve harsh punishment, you can relieve your guilt by admitting your wrongdoing or need, and your wife must agree to give you the discipline you deserve.

    Fred

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    1. Thanks, Fred. This answer points out the truth of "different strokes . . ." so to speak. Some commenters are looking for just DD, some for more of power shift in the relationship toward a real Female Led Relationship, and lots in between.

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  7. I actually do not want her to spank harder. Maybe I am a wuss but she is very fit and most of my punishments are with a long handled bath-brush or it and a strap and both are very much to be avoided.But what I would like is more consistency on what is punished.. Yesterday for example I lost my temper and yelled at her while driving using obscenities and I was not punished for it. Yet twice last month ( January) I was spanked for similar behavior that was less outrageous. Admittedly this is something of a chronic problem and she may be frustrated. But .knowing that specific misbehavior is no exceptions going to get me spanked is the key to me getting behavior under control and when one day its " get your pants down" and another a big yawn it just ( IMHO) promotes chronic misbehavior.. So more consistency would be very welcome

    Alan

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    1. @ Alan: I'll be the first to admit that consistency is something I have trouble with as well.

      Some days, I just don't "feel like" spanking/disciplining Shilo for something he's done. I don't always want to be "on." Some days, I just wish he'd understand that, and not be upset with my inconsistency. After all, he's an adult, not an errant child or infant that needs to be "conditioned." Perhaps your wife is feeling that way as well.Or not.

      Is it that hard to act responsible for your own actions? Maybe even apologize for the misbehavior and ask for the discipline you feel/know you deserve? I'm not picking on you, or Shilo, or anyone else, but someone has to step up and express the frustration that comes from being the disciplinarian. Maybe all that is needed is an acknowledgement that you were wrong, give us a hug, and beg our forgiveness.

      This is only my opinion in general, so please don't take it as gospel, but I'm sure that there's at least one other woman here that can agree with what I've written.


      Merry

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    2. Merry
      As a wife who is often confronted with this situation myself, I could not agree with you more. If a man wants this sort of discipline than he should never at any time try to worm his way out of the punishment, as I sense so many of our men do. In fact, that is one thing that I have been paying attention to with Peter. I want him to accept and acknowledge his error and also accept the punishment on my terms not when he feels like it.
      Anna

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    3. So very true, I see it this way, trying to avoid is just what little boys do, that only means a more last spanking. He is so cute over my lap wiggling, squirming, I so enjoy spanking my naughty little boy. He wanted the spankings, so I will decide on how they will be given.

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  8. I'll stick up for Alan a bit. I have absolutely no doubt that being a discipinarian is a lot of responsibility. And, responsibility by its very nature can be wearing. But, that's also kind of what leadership is about. If the couple has set up a set of rules regarding behavior and punishment, or if they have broader FLR-type relationship and has agreed she is going to assume leadership and control, then sporadic control and inconsistent punishment really isn't leadership. It's all ice cream, no spinach.

    No one is going to be consistent or "on" all the time. That's just life. But, if the guy has left himself very vulnerable by asking to be disciplined and to be subjected to his wife's discipline, and she has said it is going to happen, it is a very big frustration to get yourself into an emotionally vulnerable place of submission and then . . . nothing.

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  9. @ Dan: I didn't mean to come off like I was attacking Alan. It was more that I felt inconsistency is based on many reasons, and that some days, I'm just not "there" no matter how much I want to be.

    The sentence that got me so worked up was But .knowing that specific misbehavior is no exceptions going to get me spanked is the key to me getting behavior under control and when one day its " get your pants down" and another a big yawn it just ( IMHO) promotes chronic misbehavior..

    That sentence right there caused my reaction: Some days, I just don't "feel like" spanking/disciplining Shilo for something he's done. I don't always want to be "on." Some days, I just wish he'd understand that, and not be upset with my inconsistency. After all, he's an adult, not an errant child or infant that needs to be "conditioned." Perhaps your wife is feeling that way as well.Or not.

    I was only trying to point out that we're all (supposed to be) responsible adults here.If any of it came across as a personal attack, I apologize.

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  10. My wife from the beginning stated and with a smile that sitting would not be comfortable in the least after she addressed the problem. Over the past couple of years she has "improved" how the spankings are applied. One such way is stand, naked, hands on head, while she will go about her housework, when she determines the point as been made, it is otk and talk about getting a stinging, hot, red bottom. I have stood facing the wall, pants and underpants around my ankles when my mother-in-law was visiting. Her next visit she gave her daughter a present, a very large wooden hairbrush. So my wife does not mess around, and I would not want it any other way.

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  11. Hi Merry,

    I didn't feel you were attacking me at all but only expressing your side of the consistency issue. Your thoughts are always welcome and I do get it and like Dan I know being the family disciplinarian is often a heavy responsibility. Life is never perfect and the best DD relationship isn't either. The best we can do is aim for the best we can do.At the same time though all the research I have seen has shown that to be effective in modifying behavior punishment has to be swift, certain ( that's consistency) and severe. That's a goal if not a reality but it's also a formula for any women who wants to bring about behavior change in her man.

    Alan

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  12. I did not take part in the poll since the only choices were "more" or "less". I'm pretty cool with things as they are. And to be honest, I often think "be stricter with me"....but in the moment she isn't, I think she's reading the situation correctly and I'd probably react very negatively to a forced confrontation. Some of my issues are stress related and she recognizes that. Neither of us want to be vanilla egalitarians, but we also don't want a resented tyranny.

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    1. KD, this is so incredibly balanced. Congratulations again to you and Rosa

      Dan

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  13. A quite interesting discussion here. I don't think domestic discipline has a chance of success unless there is consistent discipline for behavior that both parties agree is unacceptable. Yet there are times when our wives are in no mood to take immediate action. There are also times when those of us who are spanked harshly are in no mood to take that spanking. Here is where communications between husband and wife are crucial. There is no reason for an immediate spanking when the wife is not in the mood, but there must be agreement that a spanking will happen when the wife is ready to make it happen whether you are ready or not. I think it is important that this be stated in whatever agreement you have with your wife. So Alan you need to talk this out with your wife. I think you should also do your best to stop your yelling. If I did what you did, I might get more than one paddling, and maybe two in the same day (and does that second one ever hurt). But as long as your wife lets you know you are really going to get it when she is ready to do it, and eventually does do it (while you fret over what it will be like when she does it) to me that's consistency. But you need to have this discussion with your wife and she must agree that when you do the crime you will do the time, on her terms, or your disciplinary arrangement is doomed to fail in my opinion.,

    There are many situations that can occur when there is no opportunity for an immediate spanking. In those cases (say when you are on a cruise), my wife will tell me when we get home you are going to get the spanking of your life. In my case I straighten out for the rest of the cruise when I hear that, and I also know when we get home, when she is ready, I will get exactly what she said I will get. Communications and agreement with you wife on as many things as you can agree upon is what I would suggest you consider.

    Fred

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  14. Dan, we started on this 'journey' after many years of happy marriage but years where I felt I had the freedom to be moody, rude and selfish, as well as kind, loving, etc. All on my terms - or so I thought.

    All started to change one night after a few drinks when she smacked me a couple of times, on my bottom, on the way to bed. Now I have had a lifelong interest in corporal punishment, which was an almost every day occurrence (the strap) at school). My fantasies were mainly a more loving re-creation of the incidents at school and home, with favourite aunts, uncles and teachers playing the dominant role.

    That night opened my eyes to the possibility of CP in my marriage - believe it or not I had never considered the thought of my wife playing the dominant role before! So a few days later I wrote her a letter, explaining my interest, how she could possibly partake and help, how much I loved her and how she could ignore the letter if she felt so inclined as it wasn't really that important.

    I was with her when she read it and luckily she responded in a supportive way and we started our first, tentative discussions about how giving her the power to punish me would re-balance our relationship, that I would behave better with clear boundaries, etc. She openly said she thought it was a bit odd but was willing to at least explore.

    So a few days later we tried our first 'OTK' session with the bath brush, which whilst light, was satisfying for both of us. I then got into the habit of writing to her with 'feedback' via e-mail, a habit I have maintained over the past few years. This has helped me 'coach' her into delivering spankings that really hit the mark (!) She loves getting my e-mails which tell her how I feel after, whether I felt the punishment met the crime, how much I adored her, etc and she uses them to adjust the severity, the ritual, the timings, etc when I misbehave in future. And yes it is all about behaviour and helping me eradicate rudeness, selfishness, moods, and so on.

    It's fair to say I was in control to start with - I bought the 'tools', I did and shared the research, I even advised on how hard, how long, how each 'tool' felt, and how it was changing me - for the better.

    Now, whilst I still write the e-mails, she knows exactly when to take control, when I need 're-aligning' and she will always over ride my protests and get on with it. Control has completely moved from me to her and we are both happy with the situation except for when I am at the receiving end of her very competent and more than adequate paddle or strap (or usually both) treatments which seem to occur at least weekly.

    So in summary open feedback and communication in our case has given her the confidence and control.

    TB

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    1. Thanks, TB, and welcome back. I suspect yours is a very normal pattern -- the man "suggests" and "guides" at the beginning, then she takes over!

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