Saturday, February 7, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 76 and a New Poll

Hi all.  I hope you had a great week.  That was a really good discussion.  If it taught anything, it was that people get into DD and FLR for all sorts of reasons and, if there is any correlation with spanking or lack thereof when growing up, it seems to be pretty damn loose.

This week's topic is about the extent to which DD and FLR relationships extend beyond the core relationship.  Do you find that your DD or FLR role, whether you are the more dominant or the more subordinate party, has an impact on other parts of your life?  If you are subject to DD at home, do you find yourself submitting more at work?  Conversely, for our disciplinary wives, do you find that taking that leadership position at home causes you to display those leadership and dominant tendencies in other areas?  I could also see this going in the other direction. Maybe you are submissive at home, and that gives the freedom to be more commanding at work?  Or, is DD something that is a discrete and isolated part of your existence, that doesn't have much impact on how you behave in the rest of your life?

Also, you may have noticed that I posted a new poll.  It is meant to test whether those who are in these lifestyles want the experience to be even more rigorous and intense, or less so.  I would ask everyone to hold off on comments until the poll closes. 

Have a great week.

Dan

28 comments:

  1. As open and out as we are, we also rigorously discuss and agree beforehand on any significant areas of behavior that are going to be incorporated into our DD arrangement. Some areas are governed by it (attitude, behavior, patience, respect) while others like personal finance ( Rosa has no input as to how to direct or redirect my investments, though we share responsibility for large expenditures and discuss those as a team.) So.....

    In our world then, "issues" pertaining to respect, etc. will apply to outside situations and if I am impatient with a friend or relative and Rosa catches it...I'll 'catch it' later. Areas outside of our DD agreement, will not be subject to DD.....unless there is some sort of significant overlap that thrusts the outside world into our inner one and causes conflict.

    Therefore my feelings of submission are also related to what is or is not 'covered'. If my neighbor is around, I will feel a bit submissive to her, because i know Rosa expects me to. If I'm writing or arguing with an incompetent clerk, she will not expect me to be submissive but be proud of my aggression in making things right. We tend to follow the knight serving his Lady model of DD or D/s. She expects my obedience, devotion and protection, but she expects ME to slay the offending dragon without asking her how to do it. She also lets me design the architecture of our castle.....as long as I make sure to include her wishes for a greenhouse somewhere in the design. ;-)

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  2. This is merely subjective on my part, but I do believe that my wife has become generally more self confident in other areas of her life as well - notably at work and an organization that she participates in. I think it is also safe to say that she is generally more confident around men as well - in a sense that she would love to take a paddle to their bare behind - and that would sure teach them something about how to behave in public. Of course, she doesn't say that but she sure has scolded a few men who did not know how to treat a lady - and left the men with their mouths open and not sure what to say. This would not have happened prior to our disciplinary arrangement. She really believes the world would be a better place if all women paddled their men's behinds on a regular basis.

    I don't know that I have changed a whole lot outside of our marriage. I think that I have learned not to react quite as quickly and watch my tongue - show a bit more patience. This is most certainly true if my wife is present - but even somewhat so when she is not. --al

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    1. "She really believes the world would be a better place if all women paddled their men's behinds on a regular basis."

      Wise woman!

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    2. Hi al,
      It amazes me how similar your wife sounds to mine. I have noticed this before and think I mentioned it when you described the preventative spanking your (and my) wife uses sometimes. Here again our wives seem similar in their attitudes that it would be a better world if most men were paddled regularly. I have even heard her say it in front of a girlfriend who doesn’t know about our relationship and may or may not take her seriously. My wife actually had this attitude before we met and started discipline so I can’t say spanking me has produced it. But spanking me has definitely made her more assertive and confident around other males. I think spanking empowers women in a way nothing else does and when I see so many assertive women today I really wonder if there is not a lot more marital spanking happening than we know

      Alan

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    3. Alan - as I mentioned last time you noted this, I think that they must have both secretly attended the same DWC seminar along the way. :-) I also found your other observations interesting - about spanking empowering women like nothing else, and that we may all be underestimating the number of disciplinary wives out there. I hadn't really thought of it in exactly those terms - but you are correct in my case at least - becoming a disciplinary wife has definitely empowered her - and not just at home.

      Interestingly, my wife has also made the comment about the world being a better place if the women paddled their men regularly in front of friends as well - at least a couple of times - but without directly implying that she did that. The couple of times I heard her say it, it just a got a few chuckles and agreements from the ladies - no serious discussion. --al

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    4. I don't know how many disciplinary wives there are, but I think I spotted a fellow disciplined husband this morning. For all the details. wait for Saturday's topic. How is that for a teaser? :-)

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    5. al,
      One thing I have learned from a small sample is that once a woman decides to spank, most have little reluctance to administer in front of a trusted friend or family member. "Trusted" is the key part of it , but once that is there a witnessed spanking is not far behind.My wife tested several friends who showed some interest
      ( particularly from discussing the book Fifty Shades) but in the end she has told only her sister and one other DD couple we are in regular touch with. Her sister has witnessed several spankings something both arousing and embarrassing to me and my wife knows this.. But the key point I am trying to make is my belief that many disciplinary wives are not at all loath to administer public spankings in a safe environment.

      Alan

      ,

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    6. Alan - another interesting observation - regarding public spankings in a trusted environment - and one that has also proven to be true in our case. It seems there is yet another similarity in our situations. As I have posted before, my wife also confided to her sister that she spanks me regularly (actually her sister suspected for a long time due to frequent spanking references made in front of her - and finally confirmed her suspicions when she inadvertently overheard me being paddled when we did not know she was in the house. When the sister told my wife what she had heard - over several margaritas - my wife confessed all). Now, I also occasionally get spanked in front of her sister - and experience a strange combination of submissive satisfaction and humiliation. --al

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    7. al,

      My wife told her sister in a series of conversations the last of which I was present and acknowledged I was spanked and that it was good for me.Her sister has some interest in spanking her husband ( that hasn't happened yet) and that apparently made her interested in our practices.My wife was originally more interested in having a witness than I was but now I am glad it happened.Psychologically it was a defining moment because now I can't tell myself it is all just a game.or my wife doesn't really control me. For me getting spanked in front of her sister made it very real and for my wife it was a strong affirmation of her authority. Witnesses are very tricky business but if you have the opportunity it's something every F/M couple should experience.

      Alan

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  3. Dan
    Since Peter and I began using domestic discipline I have gained so much self confidence. When I witnessed changes in Peter's behavior at home it filled me with more confidence. This past summer I took charge of some major renovations in our home. I dealt with all contractors, sub contractors, decorators and the architect. Peter was so impressed that the entire project came in almost 13 percent under budget. As the general contractor told Peter he didnt envy Peter if I ever caught him in a lie. I wasnt a bitch I was merely firm and stood my ground. This would never have happened had I not the experience of standing up to Peter when he was behaving badly.
    At the same time Peter feels very comfortable leaving more of our money matters in my hands.
    I know what he wants so I work hard to give him that. He does the same. Bt the way our general contractor offered me a job. I felt very flattered.

    anna

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    1. This is great, Anna. And, very consistent with what I hope DD has done and is doing for my wife.

      By the way, doesn't it speak volumes regarding contractors that they see someone holding them accountable for a lie as the exception and not the rule.

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    2. I think they are perhaps used to men calling them out on things, but not a woman. In fact the first time I questioned something he told me he would speak to my husband. When he called Peter and was told to deal with me it was a shock he told me later. To me it was one of the nicest compliments Peter has given me
      anna

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    3. Anna, I think your contractor is a closet submissive. ;-)

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  4. I'm the more dominant personality , but my wife had some dominant characteristics of her own that have been enhanced, I think, by our DD arrangement. She is not afraid to stand up to others when that is appropriate and has no problem firing gardeners or cleaning people, etc. if she feels they are not doing their job. I used to have to do that.

    I have no doubt I've changed in my outside relationships by being more patient, a better listener, more considerate and not so black and white.Otherwise, outside of the terms and conditions of our DD agreement I still am the more dominant personality in our home.. Nevertheless, if I screw up, I will get paddled good and I concentrate on not screwing up and trying harder to please my wife. I also respect her more since entering into DD. Conversely, my wife has grown stronger in initiating discipline and applying the discipline whereas in the beginning she was a little softer than she is now. Yet, I have no submissiveness in my personality, but I do hold myself to our DD agreement which requires me to submit to her corporal punishment when I don't fulfill my obligations under the agreement in her opinion, regardless of what I may think. So to that extent I am submissive. Otherwise I continue to be the decision maker on most other matters, but have learned to consult with my wife beforehand, which is also part of our DD agreement. If I do make an important decision without consulting her I get paddled good, This is a rarity because I almost always consult with her even if I hadn't agreed to be punished for not doing so. I still will make the final decision.

    Bottom line, our DD relationship has been good for both of us and I strongly believe we are both better for it. I think our bond of love for each other has also grown substantially and we are both much happier as a result.

    Fred

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    1. Becoming a better listener, more patient and not so black and white all sound like pretty good side benefits of your DD relationship. Thanks Fred.

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  5. She has always been the more dominant - I just used to argue much more (not so much now for obvious reasons!). I am much calmer (generally), less moody, more respectful, more open about my feelings and more relaxed - especially since the punishments became severe enough to make me definitely want to avoid.

    My behaviour has improved considerably during the past few years now that the boundaries are very clear and the consequence of over stepping is also very clear. The paddle and strap on my
    soft, bare flesh is a great fantasy but the reality is very uncomfortable.

    At work I'm a better manager mainly because I have learned to use control in a more structured, consistent way. I have better concentration and don't (often) get stressed. With family and friends it is clear that who is in charge which we deal with in a generally humorous way .Although I may make most of the major decisions nothing happens without approval and I almost never buy anything without permission and if the answer is No then it doesn't happen I don't drink alcohol without seeking permission. We have achieved a good balance which makes me feel very secure and which allows me enough freedom the do what I want - in most cases.

    I have also been able to bring my fantasies alive with many, many unforeseen benefits.

    TB

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    1. This is something I was particularly interested in hearing about: whether being subject to DD at home would make someone a better or worse leader at work. It appears that in your case it has been the former. Thanks TB.

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  6. I am a leader in most organizations I belong to. It's not that I necessarily want that position, it's more that people look up to me and choose me for them. I was like this well before I met and married Shilo. I'd venture to say that I've relaxed my control since being with him. The longer we've been together, the more cooperative he's become, and the less I've had to push my authority on him.

    I've also noticed that Shilo has become much more assertive when it comes to other members of my Household. He's gone from being meek to actually finding his voice at home. Don't get me wrong, I'm in charge, but he's gone from being the Beta male to becoming the Alpha male in the Household. I think it fits him really well.

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    1. HI Merry. Do you think him being a submissive to you has lead to him being more Alpha at home? How do you think the two are connected?

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    2. I had to think about your question and I couldn't come up with anything (OOPS!) so I asked Shilo to shed some light on this.

      When we first got married (in September 2013) we moved into a house along with my Partner/Lover that had been with me since 2004. Our first month as we were all adjusting to the changes, Shilo realized that while I'm an effective Dominant, I was still in mourning (my mom had died in December 2012 just before Christmas) and the work that needed to be done in the house was overwhelming for me, so he took over the day to day management of the house.

      Looking back, I can say it had nothing to do with our relationship, and everything to do with the situation. Let's just say that situational things put Shilo in a place where he had no choice but to handle things and take charge. I still have the final word (or so he says) and honestly, it's nice to not have to worry about everything knowing he can handle things.

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  7. Dan,

    I have found as we have become more accustomed to this that the dominance aspects plays out, but more so with other men, and in rethinking how I interact with them. I have much less tolerance or patience for disrespect or lack of gentlemanly conduct. It is not that I expect all men to be submissive or deferential, (I do not AT ALL) but I think I am just more aware of circumstances when there is not even a basic level of respect, and I find myself relatively intolerant of it. I think both men and women owe each other respect, so it is not just one sided but I think in taking on this role, I am simply more aware of when I see or feel perceived disrespect from men.

    I also find that my approach has shifted, at least with individuals I supervise. It is not that I am more dominant, but different in how I interact with them. Providing clear expectations and setting metrics with defined actions rather than allowing them more freedom to just get work done. I find this is a much better approach, at least for the men I work with. They seem to respond very well to the clarity. For me, at least, the change is incorporating more of the techniques that seem to be working in our relationship into my day to day life. I also find I am less indecisive now, and is likely a product of making the decisions with less equivocation in my own mind.

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    1. Hi Rhiannon1 Fascinating stuff, isn't it? It's not the dominant personality itself that changes, but maybe practice managing someone as a Dom gives you better insight on how manage better in other situations? I agree that a surprising number of people seem to respond better to clear expectations and clear orders. Which is odd to me, personally, because I really hate being micro-managed myself, so I am always surprised at how many people I encounter who seem to actually thrive on it.

      One of my concerns with DD was whether being subject to my wife's control would make me more subservient, and less effective in leading, at work. But, one reason I wanted to explore DD was precisely because I have a very hard time giiving in to even legiimtate authority at work. I think my new conceptual model is the military. If you are in the military and above the rank of Private and below the President, you have have people below you who take your commands, but people above you whose commands you have to take. You can't be an effective leader if you can't serve both rolls, and answering to those above you doesn't make you a less authoritative leader of those below. Of course, this is all great in theory . . . harder to put into practice.

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    2. Dan

      With great affection I tell you what I tell peter all the time. JUST DO IT !

      ANNA

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  8. Dan
    Have followed your blog for a few months now but have as yet to contribute. I am a husband who has a wife who is far more dominant than I. While my wife of 6 years is a banking executive I am a trucker. When we married she took over the finances of our household and my business which I confess was in terrible shape. She has a favorite saying" Whoever holds the gold rules". I have submitted to her better judgement and now have a business that is in the black and growing each year. I accepted her rules as well as her punishments when I fail. To answer the unspoken yes I
    am disciplined and when I do something foolish I am punished harshly. It works for me. Let me correct that statement. IT WORKS FOR US!
    Brad

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    1. Hi Brad. Thanks for joining in. Welcome! Im glad to hear you've found a balance of power and responsibility that works for you both.

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