Saturday, January 17, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 73

Good morning everyone.  Is it just me, or did we have a great discussion last week?  When we only had two comments by Saturday night, I thought perhaps it was another that I found interesting but no one else did, but once it got some momentum, it was great. I hope you had a great week. 

While our weekly discussion was great, the week itself left me tired.  And, some of that was my own fault.  I had a business trip, including meeting a customer for a "a drink" and then "a" drink turned into several.  It wasn't hugely excessive, but it was enough to leave me tired, cranky and off my game,  Therefore, I will be self-reporting to Disciplinary Wife tonight and, assuming no distractions or interruptions, my bottom will be paying the price in the form of her stern discipline, to make up for my own lack of self-discipline.

So, while spanking may be on my mind most of the day as I think about what awaits me, this week's topic covers everything but spanking.  Specifically, let's talk about the role that other forms of punishment can play in DD.  I don't really have a lot to add to this conversation, at least in terms of actual experience.  Disciplinary Wife and I have talked from time to time about exploring non-corporal punishments, but she has never really followed through.  The one we talk about most often is the possibility of her "grounding" me, like we sometimes did as punishment for our own kids.  Because we've never followed up on it, the parameters of such punishment have always been left somewhat vague, but it might mean something like barring me from socializing with work colleagues for some period of time,  Something along those lines.

What about you?  Have you and your partner implemented any non-spanking punishments?  Tell us all about them.   I'd also be curious to hear whether they have been more or less effective than spanking in effecting real change.  It has occurred to me that, in my particular case, they might actually prove more effective than a hard paddling, because as we discussed last week, I really, really hate the "service submission" thing,  So, perhaps making me do a tedious chore for some period of time, or serve her in some particularly annoying or humiliating way.

Even if you have not been subjected to any such punishments, let's put those creative minds to work coming up with some ideas that might be explored.

I hope you all have a great week.

58 comments:

  1. It seems ironic. Why worry about other forms of discipline when you are already contemplating and concerned about having a sore behind tonight. I think spanking works for you and your wife. When its over, you'll be relieved of guilt, and she will have taught you lessen.

    Traditional non spanking punishments, grounding, standing in the corner, being deprived of golf or going out with the guys (or taking away a credit card) all require time to complete. During that time you are unhappy and resentful and although the punishment is being effective, it is also, in my opinion, in conflict with maintaining a positive relationship with your wife. The issue that caused the punishment has not been resolved because the punishment delays forgiveness and a return to normalcy. Conversely a spanking is quick, usually taking anywhere from 5 to 10 minutes and the punishment is over, you have paid for your crime, no remaining guilt, and the wife gets to even the field with the knowledge she can continue to do so whenever necessary. When it's over it's hug, kiss, make up, and go back to a normal life together.

    I realize others may disagree.

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    1. Hi Anonymous. I don't disagree that spanking works for us, but it also would be untrue that it has been 100% effective in fixing some chronic bad behavior. We also are interested in exploring alternative ways for her to develop her growing sense of authority and control. Also, there are times when a disciplinary spanking cannot be given, because of family or social obligations or distractions, for example. It might be good to have alternative punishment and control mechanisms available at such times.

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    2. Epic response anonymous and I couldn't agree more!

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  2. I usually require permission to use my laptop for anything concerning the lifestyle. Having laptop privileges revoked for a time has happened a few times and it is effective. I've also had to write 'lines'. One time in particular she combined the line writing with a bit of added physical pain (I had to write the lines while sitting on a studded pad wearing weighted clothespins on my penis). This was one of the most effective punishments I ever endured. She has also withheld her 'bottom-kissing privileges' for an extended period.....but we both found that punishment counterproductive and she ended it before the proscribed time. One time after I did something to upset her daughter, she solicited her opinion on a fitting punishment and in addition to a spanking I was denied beer for one week. That also made a point. Other times I have had to make 'public apologies' at the dinner table to offended parties......which is more embarrassing than it sounds.

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    1. Hi KD. Actually, the public apologies punishment does sound like it has the potential to be quite challenging. I have never quite understood writing lines as a punishment. Did you find it effective?

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    2. @kdpierre, Could you tell us how old is your partner's girl and how it happened when she sought his advice? What was the punishment? did you have to apologize? How will she react?
      Doumik from France (Paris)

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  3. My wife feels (and I have to agree with her) that a swift application of the hairbrush, the kitchen spoon or the paddle to my bared derriere is the best way to deal with common forms of misbehavior on my part, but she will use the martinet, the cane, the belt (or a maple switch) for more serious offences. "Corner time" (after I have been duly chastised) is also an option.

    Punishment may be delayed - typically, if we are away from home - but will inevitably happen. And if I misbehave in the presence of one of her close friends, she may announce that "you will be spanked for this" - and even (though rarely) proceed with a bare-bottom walloping under her friend's eyes!

    Whatever form it takes, we both agree that a prompt spanking or flogging is the best way to "clear the air", and to avoid seething grudges and/or recriminations.

    L.

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    1. The two most common "away from home" occurences are:

      - when we are out for hike in the woods, and she finds a conveniently secluded spot, and then cuts a sturdy switch which she then applies to my bared bottom

      - in a hotel room when we are traveling (with the hairbrush and/or the martinet she always packs in her suitcase)

      L.

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  4. A night on the floor with or without a pillow and blanket. A cold morning shower can be added.

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  5. I’ve had to write lines and essays in the past. Line writing is tedious but it does worry me that regular line writing could be deemed by Mistress an effective method of hammering a point home.
    Recently I had to write ‘Mistress is always right’, only 50 times. I thought I was just required to write them but Mistress was very unhappy to see uneven length lines – so I had to repeat it, with everything lined up. And she threatened to cane me for any hint of errors or sloppiness. Bearing in mind she’d only decided on line writing as my bottom was rather heavily marked, it was quite a threat.
    Imagine 100, 200 or even 500 lines like that? Dreary – but perhaps effective. I’ve seen all sorts of permutations on line writing mentioned on DD sites too. It can be a cruelly tedious punishment.
    We’ve tried withdrawl of privileges, but at that stage in our DD regime I was probably still not trained enough to accept Mistress’ authority. I’m talking about not being allowed to pursue one’s own interests and hobbies – without permission, and having that permission withdrawn as punishment. I think to accept that illustrates a higher level of submission than I have.
    Let’s face it, even if being caned or paddled is not nice at the time, most of us do have some kind of interest in corporal punishment that drives us to accept this kind of discipline and generates a little buzz within (or am I generalising too much?).Withdrawl of privileges, for me at least, offers nothing like that except maybe the buzz of accepting Mistress’ authority over me.
    One thing no one has mentioned so far is being forced to hand over financial controls. We briefly tried that – I had to ask permission to buy any luxury items – but it didn’t work for the reasons I’ve already stated.
    I think corporal punishment is by far the most effective method of correction. It’s certainly something to be avoided in our house by when Mistress does use the cane, but it’s a short, very sharp shock to bring me to heel and is the perfect way to clear the air – as ‘L’ suggests.

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    1. Hi RM. That buzz you refer to is why I wonder whether some alternative punishments might be even more effective, if the goal is bringing about real behavioral change. You're right that most of us were "attracted" to corporal punishment for some strange reason. I wonder whether the tedium of having to submit to something like having activities restricted, or being ordered to do tasks around the house, or line drawing, might remove that perverse attraction that seems to make spankings somewhat more bearable.

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  6. Based on your first response to anonymous, I don't think any punishments exist that will correct all shortcomings we have. Spanking did succeed in getting me to stop smoking, but I also really wanted to quit smoking, Spanking got me to the gym. Spanking put me on notice I had other behaviors to get under control. However, try as we may, spankings or other punishments, some behaviors we just can't correct. In my case its temper related. It just happens and when it does I feel bad about it. Getting spanked probably helps me relieve my guilt and I am lucky my wife will do that for me. But I don't think you can find a perfect punishment that will create perfection in our behavior. If anyone has found that please let us all know.

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    1. Unfortunately, I am sure you are right. Spanking tends to stop behaviors that either are something we really want to change or that are less deeply rooted. But, I also do think that some of the effectiveness depends on the level of intensity, the duration, and the frequency.

      One recent commenter said his wife had absorbed the lesson that, "If he isn't crying, you're not spanking hard enough." While an over-simplification and not true in all cases, I suspect it contains more than a grain of truth, although in any particular case the missing element could be hard enough, long enough or often enough, or some mixture of all three.

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  7. My wife uses typically mouth soaping, corner time and line writing when she wishes to add more to my punishment.However for more serious offences she will lock me in chastity for week or more while I must remain naked when we are alone, I am the subjected to twice daily thrashings until the day of release. On this day I am made cum in my own mouth,which I hate,and then spanked soundly. Thankfully This punishment is infrequent as my weekly maintainance keeps me in line.
    Crm

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    1. A perfect example of what I said above regarding the solution to some difficult behaviors may be more intense and frequent punishments. Thanks for sharing!

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    2. Crm - the DWC site was the basis for our disciplinary lifestyle. But my my wife is intelligent and resourceful and soon began looking around the Net for ways in which to augment the basics from the DWC. One of the sites she studied (and which I had also visited before that first spanking) was the Elise Sutton Femdom site - which has lots and lots of Femdom ideas and resources. This information is what led to her domination and discipline and in the bedroom - enemas, pegging, plugs, clean up service, etc. Chastity restraints were discussed on that site extensively but did not appeal to either of us (thankfully!). But I can relate to your "cum discipline". While she has never used it directly as discipline, she did find the idea of clean up service (licking up the cream pie after sex) interesting and eventually that worked its way into our bedroom as well. It's not an every time thing but does happen a couple of times a month or so. Usually she rides me to climax (she would have cum previously during oral sex - and she is almost always on top now - adding to the whole domination theme) - at which point she simply scoots up and lowers herself onto my mouth for clean up. This was fairly difficult to accept at first - since I had just cum and the passion of the moment was gone - but I did and have to some extent become accustomed to it. The point is though, while she does not use it for punishment per se, it does add to the entire domination-submission scenario and is a strong reminder of my submission.... --al

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    3. Al still here. In fairness, I did mean to mention that when I was first required to do this, and complained, she made the fair and accurate observation that she had swallowed my cum often enough over the years - that it certainly would hurt me to get some cum in my mouth.

      Also, I had mentioned in a previous post that she becoming interested in the idea of possibly cuckolding me with a widowed friend and neighbor (who is clearly interested in her.). Well, she took another step in that direction this weekend. He visits quite often as he lives next door and we are all friends - and there has been some added flirtation as of late, especially with her bending over to flash some clevage and coming out into the living area just wearing a t-shirt over her bottom - that of thing. But yesterday evening, with the very nice weather here, we invited him into our hot tub with us (not the first time) for a couple of drinks. We were wearing shorts and my wife a bikini (she has retained a nice figure and treated herself to a boob job a few years ago - another idea she got from the Elise Sutton site which encourage women to enhance their feminine power by keeping in shape and looking sexy). After the first drink, she the top wasn't fitting right and had to go, and proceeded to remove her top with both us guys still with her. "Joe" (the neighbor) tried not to stare but he could not seem to help himself. I didn't look but my wife said she did and that was clearly excited. Nothing else happened but I think she is feeling out the waters.... Ultimately, I am sure she would grant me a safe word veto on this but I find myself intrigued and that it appeals to my submissive side. --al

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  8. In our case spanking is always the core discipline - which is sometimes augmented with corner time, mouth soaping, disciplinary enemas, pegging, etc - but they are always in addition to the accompanying spanking, usually to emphasize a certain point. For example, a mouth soaping would be for foul language at the wrong time and place, corner time for reflection, a pegging when I've gone macho-man on someone.

    I also really appreciated the original "anonymous' response above, although I also understand Dan's counterpoint that something else may be required if we *really* want to change an ongoing behavior. Perhaps it depends upon a couple's particular take on a marital discipline. Reflecting the original anonymous response above, I have read many times on the forums that the use of a real spanking in a disciplinary marriage serves the purpose of immediately resolving an issue without the all the emotional pain and mental anguish of a prolonged verbal fight - as occurs in many marriages (certainly mine in the past for many years prior to our DWC arrangement). The spanking is given - the problem is resolved. ( Although to Dan's point, this may not resolve an ongoing behavioral issue.)

    After paddling my bare behind this morning for my "assy" attitude this weekend, she commented that this was so much better than fighting all weekend as a close friend of hers had done with her husband over the last few days because of his "assy" attitude.

    Just a couple of thoughts....

    --al

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  9. I'm sorry to get off the subject, and I agree with those who prefer spankings to other punishments for the reason it quickly solves problems. If I'm at a place where a spanking cannot occur immediately, my wife just has to call me aside privately and say, "when we get home you are really going to get it for your behavior today." That straightens me out immediately and solves the problem because I know I better behave prudently from that point on.

    As to the off subject. Kathy's comment in Forum 72 was of particular interest to me. She pointed out many or more women are willing to spank (whip) their husbands as men need it and feel secure with it. Contrarily, it seems like the vast majority of men are looking for exactly that (behavioral control) but there is a scarcity of women that will spank them.

    Now most of us who comment here, if not all of us, are spanked by our wives. The question is what makes them comfortable to do it when other wives apparently don't. My wife was disciplined with spanking growing up (but infrequently she says) and was in a sorority that engaged in paddling's so does past experience make it easier for them to spank us. (I dread my wife's sorority paddle as a side note - a real behind bruiser). Anyway, I think it would be interesting to examine these points in view of Kathy's comments. Hopefully we can hear from her.

    Fred

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    1. Fred, variations on this theme have been discussed here before - but based on spending too much time lurking on forums such as these for too many years, my best guess would be that more and more women are becoming disciplinary wives to some degree. Again,my best guess would be that is the result of the Internet - which has probably enhanced many alternative life styles. However, even with this increase, the number of disciplinary wives is surely a very small number in relative terms,- and it certainly seems that there are many men desiring to get spanked but are unable to persuade their wives to do so ( or don't even try because it it seems to be a foregone conclusion that their wives would not be interested). I personally believe that a good number of women would decided to become disciplinary if they gave it a try for a month or two. I was certainly one of those who believed it was a foregone conclusion that my wife would never be interested in spanking me - until that one fateful evening when we shared some fantasies. So she spanked me just for fun - decided she liked the feeling of power it gave her - and never looked back. And since I already knew to direct her to the DWC site, it very quickly evolved into a DWC marriage.

      My wife was spanked occasionally as a child - we are from that era when spanking was the norm - but it wasn't real regular. She told me , though, that it had happened enough that she understood it's disciplinary value. The real turning point for us was my willingness to confide my interest (thought I did not divulge the extent of that interest at first) and her willingness to at least give me a spanking in the spirit of fun and adventure. In her case, she immediately found that she enjoyed the sense of power that it gave her - which was soon augmented by the other benefits (improved sex, improved openness in our relationship, better behavior on my part, improved self esteem for her, etc). This combination of my openness and he willingness - which almost occurred by pure chance - worked for us in getting into the DWC lifestyle. I suspect that it might work for many more. I believe there are many women who would appreciate the benefits if they gave it a try. But - it certainly would work for everyone.
      --al

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    2. I agree that part of the mismatch between the number of men and women interested in DD is that many women may have simply never thought or heard about it. Men seem more likely to learn about it. because we seem to spend more time surfing for such things on the internet. I suspect that many women would at least be willing to give it a try, but it falls upon the man to suggest it.

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    3. Dan - your point is well taken. If a man really desires to have a DWC style marriage, ultimately it is on him to ask his wife to try it. The major barrier for most men asking is obviously the fear of how their wife will react - they may be made to look less than manly, weird, strange, crazy, etc..... I was lucky in that my finally confessing my desire for "spanking play" so easily morphed into a DWC marriage. But for many years I was certainly among those men who was afraid of how their wife would react - and I was very certain that it would not be positively. So, again, the end of the day - you have to take a gamble and bring it to your wife. If the man is a bit lucky, the rewards may be great. As Aunt Kay says on her (newly revived) website - "There are many men who entertain fantasies of being dominated by a forceful woman all their lives yet would not dare ask their wife to spank them for fear of her reaction. If your husband has asked you to try a woman-in-charge relationship and you have agreed, you have more going for you than many so-called "perfect" marriages".

      As you pointed out - she lost the rights to her her original URL but has reopened under at least a couple of new ones. Another one is justdiscipline.com.
      --al

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    4. Sorry - the last paragraph in the above post did not quite come out right - there little boxes to post in throw me off occasionally. The paragraph refers to Aunt Kay's Disciplinary Wives Club web site - which has been down to a lost URL but is now back up! --al

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    5. There was a great story on the original DWC site called "Even More" that involved a guy nervously directing his partner to the DWC, making something of a joke of it. That "joke" lead to a more seroius conversation after she viewed it. My introduction of my wife to the topic of DD paralleled that story in some respects. It provided a way to broach the subject but with a way to retreat if she doesnt seem interested, without committing that you were really suggesting adopting the lifestyle.

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  10. Well, let me think...
    There was the time that Merry caught me in dirty underpants ...OH, she hates that... and had me clean the wooden floor of the bedroom... while naked... with my scrotum pulled behind my thighs attached to a humbler. Once the floor was done, she had me kneel FDAU on the bed, and she applied numerous swats with a doubled-over leather belt.... while videotaping the whole scene.
    Another time, she was infuriated that I had (possibly, but I really don't think anybody was looking) embarrassed her, while at the supermarket.
    Once we returned home, she ordered me to strip and stand naked in a corner, while she calmed down AND thought about what would be next. She has cornered me a few times previously, and never tells me in advance how long it will be. This time lasted an hour. And she knows I am quite comfortable slipping into meditation during quiet moments, so she required me to sing...something, anything...while I was there. Mostly my choice of songs, but a request of hers was 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Bat' (look it up if you're not familiar..). THIS aspect of the corner time I do not like, because I dislike the sound of my own voice in song. Then, she took me into the
    bedroom, had me get FDAU on the bed, and applied 195 strokes of a riding crop.
    I am a masochist. Plain and simple. I can take the physical punishment all day and night. (which is why we don't call it "punishment" in our house, but "funishment".) The corner time "annoys" me, so much more.
    Which..doesn't make 'it' (the prospect of possible corner time) a deterrent.
    I am SO stubborn, SO self willed, that I AM going do, whatever I'm gonna do, even in the face of potentially unpleasant consequences. Just the way I am.
    THEN there was the time she caught me lying to her. She asked, one morning, when I came home from work, "Have you been smoking?"
    (I was a cigarette smoker before we met. I quit, before the wedding. I've started up, and quit..a few times since... as I write THIS, I am 54 days 'clean)
    I had been smoking. I had showered and scrubbed like heck before coming to bed, and I lied, "No."
    She has the nose of a bloodhound....
    I went to sleep, and was awakened by her, on my chest, yelling, "You LIED to me!" as she waved the half empty pack of cigarettes she had found in my car.
    What happened after that, I ...decline to say, until I get her permission.

    regards

    Shilo

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    1. This is exactly what I was getting at as to why for some people--those who have masochistic tendencies and are actually attracted in some way to being spanked--other punishments may be much more effective.

      Congratulations on the ongoing smoking cessation!

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    2. Let's just say it consisted of him drinking tobacco tea and then me giving him a special shower all over his face, and (what seemed like) a one hour lecture. I sat and thought it all through before the punishment, but I wasn't angry. I NEVER punish him when I'm angry.

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    3. It STARTED with, being naked, laying on my back ...in the tub... and she turned on the shower, full cold water...
      Then a special shower of a different kind all over my face....
      Then the cup of tobacco tea....

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  11. My wife when this relationship started, not all punishment was going to be a spanking, a lot are, but from the beginning she stated clearly that men are little boys and when acting like a little boy, a naughty little boy, she will punish as she sees fit. Worse than a spanking for me is "PJ" day, meaning I'm in my pajamas all day (she purchased little boy pajamas), I just hope no one drops in. The day starts with a bath, nothing even close to sexual, she could care less about that, far from her mind. Once done I have chores to do in the home. My mother-in-law and my wife best friend have seen me in my pajamas and have been told the reason, they both like the idea a lot.
    So don't know if others have had this type of punishment but it is very effective.

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  12. This is another distinction between FLR relationships and DD as Aunt Kay advocated DD. For me it is not that other punishments would not work but that they cause more friction in the relationship than they are worth including the time of bad feelings and resentment when they are stretched out. With spanking there is no resentment after it is over and it is quick and effective. There can be some friction if a spanking is delayed as does happen sometimes but for me at least that is rare. My wife does use other punishment WITH spanking somewhat often including scolding corner time, panty discipline and embarrassing interrogations and less often an enema and pegging. But with the exception of an occasional corner time warning these are reinforcement to spanking me, something we first picked up as I remember from Aunt Kays site. If you ask do reinforcements work I believe they do because they make the experience more memorable and the spanking more punitive. But if my wife used any of them or even all of them omitting the spanking they would not work alone. One other point argued here is that spanking does not always solve every behavior problem. My wife has proven to me that is not necessarily true. If both partners are committed to the behavior change and she spanks hard enough and often enough escalating if necessary, spanking can modify any bad behavior. It may not permanently eradicate it (although I have had two ingrained behaviors permanently changed) but the need to discipline that particular behavior becomes minimal and infrequent. I guess what I am saying is that if spanking really works for you as a couple there is no need to look for alternative punishments, reinforcement yes and there are many that seem to make spanking more effective but they complement spanking , not replace it.
    Alan

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    1. I agree that spankings can solve most problems, but I'm not sure about the "hard enough and often enough" escalation. You are probably right, but at this point I just don't know. As I've said before, frequency and diligence have been a problem for us. Who knows how things might change if those weren't an issue.

      And, on the DD versus FLR issue, it is one area where I take the DWC with a big grain of salt. It did draw distinctions, but largely between DD and S&M. Also, while it claimed to focus on DD, there was also a fair amount of stuff on there about spanko gatherings that seem to be far more about general spanking enthusiasm or, at most, "funishment."

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    2. Dan - you are indeed correct that the Aunt Kay and the DWC did allow for funishment as well - this is actually a question and answer from a page her DWC site -

      "Is it best to reserve all spanking for disciplinary purposes in a DWC home?"

      Answer:

      Oh, I hope not! While our theme is indeed proper discipline by wives, we are all about having fun and good times. Even the creation of a DWC home should be desirable for both parties. In reality, most of us love to do role plays, creative scenarios, or just have a spanking session for no reason other than "general principles", such as "you must have gotten away with more than I'll ever know, so into the bedroom with you".
      On occasion we will attend a party where there is more likely to just be a lot of spanking going on with only very occasional role playing."

      I can also say that I knew by email two couples who had attended one of the gatherings that she had many years ago - and there was indeed quite a bit of fun to it. But - she obviously does promote real live dd as well of course.

      Also - when I was a member years ago of a private email group she had for couples that she knew in person or by phone, she was very strict about discussion topics. It had to be about spanking or corner time - *nothing else* - nothing about sexual activities or sexual discipline, chastity devices, etc..... She would give a warning or two and then kick offenders off the list. In fact the group ended when one of those kicked off complained to Yahoo that the group was pornographic in order to get even - and Yahoo deleted the Group. (There was some spanking pics of bare red male bottoms in the files section - but that is all). So yes, she certainly did allow for some fun to go along with the real DD, but she was also quite strict about keeping it DD centered and not S&M (as you noted). --al

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  13. Dan
    As you may recall for your New Years resolution column I posted the promises I made to my Anna.
    One of the promises I made was to read this blog weekly. I confess it has slipped my mind. Saturday Anna and I went out to dinner and Anna mentioned that your blog this week was an
    interesting one. I confessed I had not and Anna sweetly "suggested I read it and perhaps leave a
    comment before I went to watch my Seahawks play at a buddies home on sunday.I said yes and then proceeded to forget about it.
    Sunday afternoon right before half time Anna called and mentioned that she hadnt seen me post anything. Very sweetly she suggested I might want to come home at once and take her to visit her mom. I did that.
    When I picked up Anna I had it in my mind that I could catch the end of the game at her moms place.As we drove the 35 miles to her Mom's place she told me she hoped that we would be back from shopping in time for me to see the end of the game. We were not! I was pissed but didnt say anything. As we pulled into our driveway the game was over, Anna smiled sweetly and as i mumbled about missing the best game ever, she kissed me and quietly said " I bet you wont forget to post when you say you will.
    Dan I would gladly have taken 500 with a belt and she knew it. Trust me I will not ever miss posting again when Anna suggests that I do.

    peter

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    1. I am very sorry she subjected you to that particular punishment on account of htis blog! I owe you one. Next time I do something seriously wrong, maybe I'll let you pick the punishment!

      It was a great game, but both my favorite teams were eliminated in the last round, so my heart just wasnt in it.

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  14. Alan, I am the one that said spanking won't solve every problem. But, neither will any other punishment. However, I agree with you that spanking has worked to solve 90% + of issues I have, and the other 10% have become few and far between because I try to avoid spankings. I also agree with you that other punishments cause more resentment than positive reinforcement. On that 10%, my wife only has to say "you better watch yourself," I get the message loud and clear and back off immediately. I don't always get warnings, and for recurrent violations, the paddling's, strappings, etc. get more serious corporal treatment from my wife. When my backside is thoroughly toasted I have no urge to repeat the performance that got me in that position. So, I agree with you 100%.

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  15. So it might be that dd spanking might work better for some and not as well for others when used for the purpose of solving long term issues - sort of self evident I suppose. Other couples that use the DWC model might not strive for that at all - but use it to address issues as they arise - especially as an alternative to a verbal and emotional fight that might last for hours and cause hurt feelings for days. The latter is more true in our case. My main long term issue - coming across as a smart ass "know it all" (even thought I don't really mean to or try to - I swear!) - is more of a personality issue - and those are not easily altered. But whereas I used to really hurt her feelings when I would go on a smart ass know-it-all rant, now I get my bare ass blistered instead - and I am quickly made to realize that I should be more humble - order is restored, and all is well with the world. :-) -- al

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    1. If she spanked me for that, my bottom would be perpetually blistered.

      Dan

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  16. Dan
    Just an observation from a woman's point of view. It seems the majority of men would much prefer the spanking to any other form of punishment. It seems to me just another way of getting out of sharing power and/or authority.
    A wife who reads your blog often

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    1. Hi A Wife Who Reads. . . . I admit that I am more than a little surprised at the extent to which a topic that was supposed to be about USING alternative punishments has been much, much more about "Here are all the reasons why I would rather NOT be subjected to alternative punishment, so please keep spanking me." :-)

      Every once in a while, the comments on a topic surprise me, and this is one of them.
      It's very hard for me to say whether there is an element of not wanting to share power involved. It's certaily possible at least for some couples. It may also relfect that even where men want to be subject to female discipline, there is something about spanking that drives that need independently of the need for discipline in general. It also may be a male thing of "taking your licks" (literally) and then getting back to whatever you were doing. At bottom, I think that it reflects that our motivations for getting into DD are complex and vary enormously from individual to individual.

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    2. Dan..
      Elegantly expressed and I think " wife that reads..." is right that disciplinary wives do have the ultimate decision about what form of discipline to use. but what many of us ( males) are saying is don't make it more complicated that it has to be.Spanking works and if you feel the need to go beyond it, do so. But consistent spanking does work and mostly is superior to other discipline in terms of the relationship. Some women prefer not to spank and that is fine but don't portray it as a better or alternative way to get the job done. It isn't and maybe its time for some disciplinary wives with real experience to weigh in on this topic

      Alan

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    3. Well, let's be careful about over-generalizing. Spanking works for some people. It may not work for everyone or may not work as well as other punishments. And, I don't really see the basis for saying it is mostly superior in terms of the relationship. Maybe yes, maybe no. A lot of men keep postulating that in the comments, but what is the real basis for the assertion as a general principle? For a couple like Merry and Shilo, for example, where the man is a masochist at heart or even has those tendencies, spanking may be an ineffective punishment at best.

      And, if a couple has used spanking to address the same behavior over and over and it keeps happening, then it may be time to try something else. In those circumstances, does the man have any real cause to get pissy at pissy at the "drawn out" nature of the punishment? Maybe he should have actually adjusted his behavior in response to the spankings. because he is now just getting what he's asked for by not doing so. I say that as someone who has, in fact, been spanked for one behavior over and over again. Now, maybe it could be addressed through more frequent discipline. Or, maybe grounding me for a week and making me miss some activity I really like would get the message through my thick head more than the paddle across my thick butt seems to be doing. Who knows. I do not claim to, which is why I raised this topic.

      Something I love about this blog is that it is a learning experience for me, and one lesson it keeps providing is that there is no one "right" way to do DD, or any general rule that applies to every couple.

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    4. Dan - I think you hit the nail on the head with that last paragraph - no one right,best way that is the same for all couples. Although the F/M DD purist might justifiably take the view that the wife has the ultimate say in the punishment, it could also be that any particular couple has drawn up a (verbal or written) disciplinary contract
      that specifies the discipline to be used or sets boundaries. Couples do it differently. I have seen folks post across the spectrum - from hardcore extreme Femdom to relationships where the man is the old school head of household in all areas except for dd - where the wife has that power to keep him in line.

      Just a couple of more cents worth in this interesting discussion.

      --al

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    5. I agree with both of you and if I am guilty of overgeneralizing I mean not to do that. I am saying if spanking works for you , stick with it and don't make it more complicated because simple is nice in this already complicated world.Spanking does work for many possibly because we are not masochists in the sense that the pain of a spanking is itself not an aphrodisiac. When I talk about spanking by the way I am not just thinking of the physical act of chastising the male bottom. All the other many rituals that go along with it including scolding, having your pants taken down and acknowledging bad behavior are part of what makes it effective. I also am( trying to ) say that try other things if spanking isn't the answer. It is a bias I have developed from reading some of the more FLR blog and I admit to the bias that some wives eschew spanking, shy away from it or never try it instead using alternative punishments and I believe many couples miss the experience that f/m spanking produces.

      Alan

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    6. Hi Alan. Understood. I sometimes have a similar reaction to some of the FLR blogs.

      Al, on a similar point about "purists," I don try to stay away from criticizing other people's approaches, but this idea that in a relationship one person calls all the shots seems to me to have to be limited by the principle that the relationship will not work at all unless both parties are basically aligned on what the approach will be. If only one party is having their needs met, then it really isn't a healthy relationship. It's why I do get annoyed whenever a disciplined maie or one in an FLR relationship conveys their needs on some blog and are met with a chorus of "No topping from below!" comments. I just can't accept a consensual relationship exists where one person is not allowed to express their own needs and preferences. Anyhow, I wil get off my soapbox now. And, I also know that there is some variety of Femdom where the man has decided, voluntarily, to give up all decision making, period. And, if that works for them, great.

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  17. Hi Dan (and others),

    I have been reading your blog for awhile and just wanted to join the conversation. I enjoy the community aspect of your blog and reading the different perspectives. We are in an FLR with DD components. It is fascinating to hear about other couples and how they manage this/these lifestyles. I just wanted to say thank you for creating this forum where people can communicate about all of these important issues. Particularly as ours is newer, it is nice to be able to learn/read about other couples and figure out the pitfalls.

    One of the things I find most interesting about this particular post is that men have such different needs with respect to punishment. It really is about figuring out what your partner needs the most and what will impact him in particular. There really is no one size fits all.

    For me, I am working more towards a punishment fits the crime kind of policy. So while a hard discipline spanking (very different from what we do otherwise) would be appropriate for some things, corner time or mouth washing or whatever may work better in others. I do appreciate the perspective of some of the commenters though with respect to the swiftness and efficiency of the spanking v. drawn out other punishments that could breed resentment.

    Anyway, I just wanted to say hello and thank you for the blog.

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    1. I Rhiannon. Thank you for the kind words, and I'm glad you decided to join in the conversation. I hope you decide to keep contributing.

      A "punishment fits the crime" policy sounds very reasonabela and a good thing to work on. Please keep us posted on how it is working for you and your partner.

      Dan

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  18. I just have to respond to the wife's autonomous input that men want to dictate their punishment by not accepting other punishments. Obviously this wife, who reads on this board, wants full power in her relationship.

    If your husband will accept that O.K. But, many husbands, including me, entered into consensual DD to target certain faults we know we have that negatively impact our marriages. We agreed with our wives what they were and what price we were willing to pay if we breached them, in most cases getting spanked. At the same time many of us did not agree that you can punish us any way you like for any reason you choose no matter how diabolical they may be. What we did was consent to giving our wives limited authority to spank us for agreed upon violations to solve troublesome issues as they arise - to stop bickering and fighting. Some of us have no intention whatsoever to let our wives run all over us. Some men may allow this, others of us won't accept such carte blanche power in a wife who will cause more resentment and disruption of marital harmony. I believe in balancing the power in a marriage and giving the wife the opportunity to correct her mate based upon agreed upon terms and conditions. Many of us will agree to fair DD, but in no way shape or form will give way to a FLR relationship where she can call all the shots. In my judgments that has no semblance of fairness to it whatsoever -- unless the husband wants it that way. This husband wants peace,, wants to do his best to please his wife, but is not going to relinquish full power to his wife NOR do I think any wife should relinquish full power to her husband.

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  19. WARNING RE: CONTENT. All, as the footer on the Comments page says, this is a Forum -- a place for discussion. While vigorous debates are not only welcome but encouraged, I am also going to encourage everyone to keep it civil. In fact, I'm going to require it. Examples of things that start to cross into uncivil territory are ascribing views or motivations to other commenters that they have not, in fact, expressed or berating others that their views are not, in another commenter's opinion, in line with "real DD." Expressing your contrary views is fine; attacking the other person's character or motivation is not. I have seen too many spanking and DD discussion groups fall apart when one or two people crossed the line from discussion to lecture. None of the posts above have quite crossed that line, but a couple have gotten close. I can, have, and will remove any comments that I feel become abusive of other commenters. Keep in mind that written comments often come across stronger or more aggressive than you may have intended, so make the effort to keep the tone respectful.

    Dan

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    1. Dan - your efforts in maintaining the integrity of your Disciplinary Wife / Disciplined Husband Blog, and posting weekly topics for discussion are sincerely appreciated - and I think it would be safe to say by a great many of us. I especially appreciated your comment about posting berating other's opinion as being inappropriate. It would seem that DD means many things to many people and there is no one official definition to which we all must subscribe - and the various ways we experience F/M DD seems to be a large part of the discussion here. Thanks --al

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    2. Thanks, Al. Much appreciated. And, to be clear, I know that I myself have crossed the line on this on an occasion or two and have deleted my own comments. I have also on at least one occasion gone off on a rant on another blog that had a post that seemed to attack a lot of what DD is about. And, I regretted it afterward because, in the end, it was not my blog, and if I didn't like what the guy was saying, the easy solution was for me to stop reading it.

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  20. Dan
    I have read all the responses and have waited to comment at all. First and most important I want to say a big THANK YOU for creating and maintaining a blog that allows for ALL viewpoints. Keeping that in mind I wont comment on any specific entry but I speak for myself when I say Peter and I are continually working at and arranging and rearranging our rules for us. I think we both want to find the path on which both of us feel fulfilled and complete.
    Again you are the best and thank you for keeping this blog on a civil track. There is room for all points of view as long as the couple is united with the same goals.
    Anna

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    1. Anna, I was wondering when you were going to finally weigh in. As always, Welcome! First thank you for the compliments. Second, perhaps YOU should be spanked for making Peter miss a great game. ;-) Finally, are you going to actually answer the question about alternative punishments? We heard about the one you subject Peter to. Any others?

      And, while we are at it, thank you for contributing week after week and being one reason that I try to keep this civil place on the internet going ever week. Thanks to both you and Peter.

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  21. Alternative punishments as I mentioned in my answer is something we discuss and agree on mutually. Missing the game last weekend was just such a punishment. Monday when Peter came
    home from work he yelled at the boys in a way that even he agreed was beyond the pale. I try never to argue or bicker in front of the kids so I was quiet and after dinner and the boys were clearing the table I suggested he spend the evening in our room. No laptop and since we do not have a tv in our room little to do. Once the boys were in bed I came up and had him stand in the corner nose to the wall for an hour. ( That is a punishment Peter has doled out to the boys when they act up or act out. ) I find silence rather than a lecture is the most effective method with Peter. He hates that.
    When the hour was up I gave him a choice. He could sit with me and discuss the behavior till bedtime or he could orally please me and not touch himself. He did not have release that nite.
    Anna

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  22. It's funny that you mention alternative punishments and drunkenness, because drunkenness was the cause of one of my wife's first "alternative" punishments for me.

    I came back very late and drunk from an evening out with friends/colleagues. This was before cell phones so my wife was worried. I immediately went to bed, feeling really drunk. In the morning I was still feeling nauseous and had a headache and belly-ache... a hang-over!

    My wife first gave me a glass of water, then told me the toilet and do my business, then I was told to lay in bed and she would fix me.
    what followed was however less gentle. She ordered me back to the bathroom, where an enema bag was waiting. I had to remove my pants and kneel butt up in the air. I then got smacked a few times on both cheeks, and then the nozzle was inserted and in came the water. Now, it was not my first time she had given me an enema, I think the second or third, but previous occurrences were for constipation or belly-ache.

    So here I am getting filled with warm water, and then off to expel.

    Then my wife was waiting for me with a ping-pong paddle, ordered me bent over and paddled me until I was red.

    The thing is that the enema was part treatment (I did feel better after) part humiliation.

    I think that the following evening I got another enema and a bed-time, over-the-knee, hand spanking.

    In our relationship, apart from spanking, there are lots of "little things", such as washing (especially the butt and genitals), rectal temperatures, suppositories, enemas, other anal play, plugs and occasionally buggery, that we do for reminding the partner (we switch) about submission.

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Your comment will posted if/when approved by the moderator. This blog is a curated resource for those genuinely and positively interested in DD and FLR lifestyles. Comments that are rude, uncivil, inconsistent with the blog's theme or off-topic may not be posted or may be removed.