Saturday, December 13, 2014

The Forum - Vol. 70

Hi all.  Sorry for the late start.  It's been a crazy couple of days, including some things that kept me busy and unable to post until now.  So, let's get to it.

This week's topic is a follow-up to last week's, which focused on tears.  Respecting Mistress suggested this related question:   

What happens in the relationships where the husband does end up weeping? What kind of reaction does he get from his wife? How does his wife feel seeing him weeping? Is there any loss of respect from him - or does increase with her knowing he's taken his punishment. How does he feel towards her for 'breaking' him?" 

Let's broaden a litte so it is not quite as focused on tears.  For those who have been brought to tears, "broken," or otherwise brought to an actual surrender to your wife's authority in a way that hadn't occurred until the, what was the effect of that on both of you?  How did you feel?  Happy?  Peaceful? Or, was there any resentment or a new sense of respect tinged with some fear or anxiety?  Wives, how did you feel the first time you saw that unmistakable evidence that you had really gontten your point across?

Sorry again for the delayed start.   

Dan

32 comments:

  1. We are in this type of relationship intentionally....purposefully. That applies to both of us. We recognize this decision not only as an expression of who we are as individuals but also as a lifestyle that achieves a purpose, the intention of which is something we each recognize as helpful to ourselves and the relationship in general. We are both committed to it. As such, whenever a situation arises where I am forced to honor my commitment and obey, or she finds it necessary to punish to make her point, we see that situation as what we are after in the first place.

    I recall the first time the revelation hit us that, in my case..."holy crap, this is serious, she's serious" and her feeling "holy crap, he is really getting the point I'm in charge, not playing a game" we both felt surprised, then both began to accept it in a "yeah, well....that is what we are after". Of course for me as the submissive partner it's a little more scary and humbling, and for her it's more thrilling and empowering, but that just goes with the respective territories.

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    1. Thanks, KD. What you describe in the first part of your comment is where we are intellectually. We understand that we went into this for specific reasons, and that at the heart of those reasons is the need to empower her and humble me. But, it's not always easy to internalize those intellectual detemrinations. For a number of years, we drifted through DD, making a lot of progress at first, but never really crossing over that line you describe so well as holy crap, this is serious, she's serious" and her feeling "holy crap, he is really getting the point I'm in charge, not playing a game." But, this year, there have been more instances where we have gotten very close. And, it was why RM's suggested topic resonated: the first time it really hit was when she gave me a spanking that she really thought was merited and that I really didn't, but she was determined to make her point. I always thought that when we reached that point where she really took control, it would be the fulfillment of this great quest we have been on to transform the relationship. But. as I puled my pants up after that bottom blistering, for the first time I felt the glimmer of a healthy fear for her authority. That IS, in fact, what we havee said we want, but once you are really in it, the feeling is distinctly different from the fantasy.

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    2. True. And let me tell you, Dan, even though Rosa is pretty darned confident, she is also not 100% 'there'. Last night we had a long talk about how a comment she made that she sometimes holds back on certain things she wants to say for fear of my reaction. It stunned me! I never thought she was holding back and I certainly didn't think she was fearful of me since she has often punished me for snippy comments or disrespect. So we talked and she admitted that she is pretty close to where she wants to be but, as a normal human, still isn't looking to ruin what we have by pushing too hard. So.......I just told her that she should not be afraid and to use her authority as she sees fit.

      Honest to goodness, not 2 hours later she called me to show where she tripped over a box I had carelessly tossed in an end room. She was upset but not angry and told me to go to our room for punishment. She lectured then gave a very hard but fairly short spanking to make her points stick.

      Afterwards we discussed this and she admitted that our earlier talk had helped and she feels she benefits from my occasional reinforcing feedback when I appreciate her confidently taking charge.

      It's still a journey.

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  2. My wife and I are relatively new to domestic discipline, and she still has a bit oF a problem spanking me hard when I deserve it. If I were to let go and let tears flow, she’d stop.

    As someone from a home where the occasional spanking was the norm, I see that this kind of discipline does me good. I benefit greatly from a good bottom blistering and if that means keeping my composure for the sake of not upsetting my wife, then so be it.

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    1. Hi Anonymous. I think the dynamic you are describing is probably true for a lot of DD couples, particularly those who are new to it. While my wife is now not only comfortable with he prospect that I might cry but hopes it will happen, I think the sitautions would have been different had I cried early in our experimentation with DD when she was far less comfortable with it.

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  3. I'm a disciplined female, but this subject resonates with me. I rarely cry, no matter how hard I'm caned or spanked. I'm a masochist, which is probably why I make noises but don't cry. Anyway, even thogh I rarely cry, I know I've resented it when the person stops the minute I start to cry.

    Crying is perhaps the most important release I can get.I need that release. Tears are very healing, and crying releases all those unhealthy toxins. Think about it like you do ejaculation. You need that release, but just as you are almost there, she stops whatever it is. You are left feeling unsatisfied because you were denied that much needed release. I say, spank me till I ask or beg you to stop, because I need that spanking, I need to sob until I'm drained, them I need to sleep in your arms, knowing I'm truly forgiven for whatever I did that deserved the punishment in the first place.

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    1. Hi Anonymous. Thanks for contributing and I hope you'll join us again in the future. I think a lot of us would like to be able to cross that threshold into a sobbing release, and I envy those of you who can.

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    2. Dan, hi and I don't know if you pick up old comments but here goes anyway. We are on a DD journey in our long term marriage which started a few years ago with relatively easy beatings but with feedback from me and growing confidence from her is now reaching the point where I am genuinely trying to avoid a session. Which is exactly where both of us want it to be. I love the thought and the memory but hate the actual spanking. She knows that and drags out the scolding with me slowly being ordered to undress and get into position. I have had wet eyes but have never cried, even as the severity and duration have increased. However after a few days where I have been bad tempered and rude I was finally taken to task last night. Although she dragged out the preamble for ages once she started with the wooden paddle it was hard from the start, fast and sustained. Normally I get a warm up. Last night was fierce from the get go - she definitely meant business. I have never felt such pain and yes I cried. For the first time. It was extraordinary like a dam burst. We were both so surprised that she stopped for a couple of minutes. When she started again I was more in control and the punishment proceeded as normal. But I know that she was pleased with the initial response and I suspect that she will be trying for that effect again. I feel like I went through another barrier. My tender bits have been humming all night. Just thought I'd share.
      TB

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    3. TB, thanks so much for sharing this! This is something I am really hoping will happen for us, and I'm glad to hear it was a positve experience for you. "It was extraordinary like a dam burst." That is the catharsis that I think would be so good for me to experience.

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  4. We have been into DDs for a number of years and to say she spanks me is putting it mildly. She has spanked very hard with many implements and left my bottom so sore and black and blue that I could not sit. But I didn't cry. Not because I didn't want to but tears just never came. Maybe I think too much about the next spank that I know is coming. For me I don't think tears are needed. It's the feeling after the spanking has ended. When getting discipline first it's discussed so I know why I'm going to be spanked. The feeling I have when it's over is I am forgiven we will cuddle and talk about the spanking I just received and how I'm feeling and my usual comment is I feel a big weight has been taken off my shoulders and that I want to improve myself. The reason for the punishment is not brought up again the slate is clean. that is unless I make the same mistake at a later date. She also feels better after giving me a spanking as during the spanking she is letting her feeling out by scolding me as she spanks and she knows I'm listening as I have to answer her during the spanking. For me I don't feel tears are needed to accomplish the goal.
    archedone

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    1. What you describe is very close tow where our DD relationship stands. Her spankings regularly leave me bruised and battered. Yet, I just can't cross the line into tears. That doesnt mean we don't get the salutary after effects you descirbe. We do. It wold just be nice to be able to get to what I think for me would be a deeper state of surender.

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  5. “Broken” is a word many find uncomfortable but it just means a deep surrender to the authority of your wife and subsequent obedience after you have been “broken”. I don’t think crying is necessarily a part of it although crying is a sure sign it has occurred. To me being broken means you accept totally your wife’s authority, give up any rebellion and accept punishment from her without argument or resistance. It happened to me the first time with a girlfriend before I met my wife. With her at that time I sometimes stopped a spanking when she took it far beyond anything I wanted or thought I could take. This greatly annoyed her and eventually would have destroyed our relationship. But this time something happened when I reached that point because one second I knew I had to stop it and the next I was telling myself I deserved what I was getting ( I really did) and I had an obligation to take it until she was done. I just let go to the pain and the embarrassment and stopped struggling against the spanking. Before she was done my bum was completely numb and I was limp and crying over her lap. Usually when she spanked me she told me I was getting a lesson in obedience or she was going to teach me obedience. After that spanking I told her I had learned that lesson but another way I could have put it was that I had been broken or disobedience had been broken, all the same thing I think. As far as I remember I never resisted her spanking me after that and I have never disobeyed my wife when she told me I was getting spanked. So for me at least after I was broken to a woman’s authority it was permanent.
    Alan

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    1. Hi Alan. What you describe is exactly what happens with me, and I just hope I can get to that threshold. It's why I've told my wife that the duration of the spanking is important. I'm usually trying to surrender, but I'm also just trying to bear it until it ends. I think if I was at that point of not being able to take it much more, but knew there was likely far more to come, it might help me finally let go.

      I don't have a problem with the word "broken." In this context, it' isn't about donig some kind of psychological damage. It's about breaking resistance and disobedience. It's analogous to "breaking" a colt to made it a ride-able horse.

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    2. I am struggling to explain this but " letting go" and " trying to bear it" are opposite things. If I am able to let go during a spanking whether crying happens or not there is an end to resistance and I physically and emotionally offer my bottom to my wife without any limits on what she can do with it. Also she likes it when I have let go and raise my bum just and inch or two to the bath brush. This never happens before 5 minutes or so into the spanking and it seems to be a powerful symbol for her. She doesn't necessarily stop at that point but she knows her message has been delivered and received. The natural thing to do when you are spanked is to clench, try to hold on, and get through it. But its not the right thing to do if surrender is the goal. What works for me is concentrating from the beginning at letting go physically and emotionally .

      Alan

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    3. Hi again Alan. I totally get that. It was why I suggested in a previous post that I thought being restrained during a spanking might help me, because it would help get through to mind that even if I wanted to to try to stand up and bring things to an end, I would not be physically able to. I think the lack of an exit plan might help me capitulate to the inevitability. I wholly agree that "trying to bear it" or "take it like a man" is a major contributor to the inability to reach the crying stage.

      I received a well-deserved punishment spanking last night. From the beginning, instead of trying to avoid, ignore or "bear" the pain, I tried to really feel each stroke and to let any reaction to it just come out. I didn't cry, but I did feel a deeper sense of surrender and "letting go."

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  6. I am new here.I never cry or come close to it.My wife did not like to spank me at 1st,and did not spank hard.As she began to see that it made a huge differents in me and how I treated her as well as get comfortable with spanking,she began to deliver a much harder spanking.My wife will now take me to what I consider complete surrender.This does take a while for me to get there,I am now restrained across the bed so I am limited on how much I can move .this was my idea as I had feelings of standing up and resisting ,and know that's not what I want to do.I have never done that,just wanted to.Now I have to take what ever she hands out ,and she does not stop until after I have surrendered to her and the spanking.This is when I know longer resist and lay completely still without flinching as each stroke is delivered.

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    1. Hi Fabricater. Welcome to the Forum. Thanks for the comments!

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  7. Dan
    I think when I first began spanking Peter, I was so afraid of hurting him and I tended to rush the
    discipline. To remind you I at one point when I discovered Peter had gone to a professional woman who spanks only men. I went to see this woman who I shall address as Ms X. She gave me pointers about how and where to use various things such as belt, paddle, caning, etc. She
    showed me the "Safe areas" that the human body can take abuse and not cause injury. She also
    taught me how to pace the session with Peter. At the start I tended to want to hit hard and fast to get it over with.
    Tears became a reward. But more important than tears is our time after when I feel the joy that
    spanking has given me. The joy of finally having a husband who shares his emotional needs.
    A husband who trusts me enough to be who he is and who from time to time shows me the
    boy in him that needs a firm hand.
    anna

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    1. What an incredibly beautiful way to put it anna!

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    2. Hi Anna. Great to hear from you. I think you're right that pacing is very important.

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  8. Dan,

    A very interesting topic (sub-topic if you will). I admit that usually my spankings are much lighter than what I probably deserve. Mistress K. has a soft heart and although she very much wants to instill the obviously required discipline that she might be meting out at any given time, she also has a soft heart and really doesn't like to see anyone suffer, including her ill-behaving submissive husband. There have a couple of occasions though when she had no interest in my "feedback" while she was spanking me and at the those took me to a place I hadn't been before. It matter how hard or where the paddle landed, I somehow was resolved to just take and not react in such a way that would indicate that it hurt like hell! Eventually there would've been tears but she stopped before that could happen, but I felt what was like to be beyond the threshold.

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    1. Thanks Sub Hub. Beyond the theshold is where I can't quite seem to go. Right up to it, but not beyond.

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  9. The key for me is the idea of surrendering to my wife’s authority and the discipline that she delivers. I am physically, mentally and emotionally hers. Once I am in that state, I accept my punishment 100% and do not even anticipate when the spanking will end. I know she has full control and it is at her discretion when she feels I have been properly punished. Part of her resolve is how I am reacting both physically (reddening bottom) and emotionally – sincerity of my admitting wrong doing and eventually sobbing.

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    1. That was an excellent description of what Mistress K and intend to achieve. What we are working for and we believe we are getting there

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    2. Excellent description of where every naughty boy needs to go. I think this mental/emotional state combined with effective scolding ( before or during the spanking) is much more important than the severity of the corporal punishment.Our wives do a big part of it when they firmly take charge but we have to truly surrender to her authority and the punishment she is administering. That's when the tears flow.
      Alan

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  10. I don't understand the need for a wife to break her husband nor do I really understand what doing so really means. I entered into a DD relationship where my bad and inconsiderate behavior needed correction for our marriage to make it. I understood I was at fault and needed to improve. Those issues were discussed as well as health, chores and safety. Boundaries were set and agreed to by both of us, and my wife agreed to apply an appropriate dose of corporal punishment (with a sorority paddle, over the knee paddle and a thick strap bought from London Tanners) whenever I broke those boundaries. She grew into the job of spanking effectively after reading Better Spouses, DWC info and stories, and the Spencer Spanking Plan amongst others.
    The important point to note is our DD arrangement involved things we agreed to make subject to spankings as they were amended as needed from time to time - but always by mutual agreement. We did not agree to humiliation (other than the spanking itself), corner time, lines or things like that. My wife learned to deliver plenty of pain with her spankings so that I truly wanted to avoid them by correcting the issues that caused them (and it did, over time, correct my behavior to the point our relationship improved immensely for both of us and it rekindled love as well) I rarely get spanked anymore because, for the most part, I'm treating my wife as she wants to be treated and have become the husband she could love again. But if and when I do screw up, my wife won't hesitate to straighten me out. Her objective is not to break me but to make sure I learn from my mistakes and improve and painful corporate punishment has worked for us standing alone. My attitude to want to be a better husband may be an important part of the reason it has worked for us as well..
    Outside of behavior, a fair apportionment of chores, health and safety, my wife prefers I make the decisions on most other things (financial security, budgets, buying big ticket items, relocation, vacations, etc.) after consulting with her. She doesn't want to have that responsibility. On social activities I almost always go along with my wife because she is better at it than I am anyway, but if I did say no, she would accept that. So we are definitely not in a FLR, but we are in a DD relationship. In the process we practice nobody needs to be broken for it to work.
    I realize that many of you find it beneficial to do things in your own way and I respect that we all have different ways to function in our relationships with out wives that work. Maybe I don't understand what being broken means within that context or why it is even necessary. I have never considered myself broken, but I certainly cede power to my wife without question on enforcing the boundaries we have established as she sees fit. Perhaps it would be wise to address what broken means and why it is necessary in future discussions.

    Fred




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    1. Hi Fred. We tried that once, and there was arelatively negative reaction to the whole concept of "breaking." For me, it might be defined as being pushed hard enough--whether through the paddling, the lecture or anything else--that it overcomes your resistance to letting go emotionally. I think some people are just naturally more open, and others of us just naturally more locked down.

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  11. Well, as I posed the original question to Dan, I thought I’d better respond.

    I’ve not cried during punishment – yet – but I’ve been close and one time recently was whimpering on the verge of tears. Mistress found it difficult to cope with that and snapped at me to ‘stop the silly whimpering immediately.’ I was equally embarrassed and had been fighting back the tears in the final few strokes of the punishment to try and avoid the imminent flood – even though it was a release I so desperately have craved for some time.

    As far as surrendering to Mistress’ authority, I find that a very uplifting experience. I always feel added respect towards her – or should I say it reinforces my respect.

    I always worried that Mistress would gradually lose respect from someone who has a fetish for wearing rubber or pvc wear and wants to experience corporal punishment. I clearly underestimated her love for me.

    Was there any fear or anxiety when Mistress finally discovered how to get me to surrender? Yes, I have to admit there was. Fear of her severe punishment is something I’ve talked about before. But there’s also the anxiety of knowing I never manage to quite live up to her strict expectations.

    And finally, I think Mistress is delighted in the effect the cane has on me – and how she has been able to unleash a kind of power and authority she really didn’t know she had. But she is also able to ‘mother’ me – a term she used to describe her feelings of want to show me affection after she’s caned me particularly hard and seen the effect it’s had on me.

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    1. Hi RM. What you describe is where my wife increasingly is going, delited in her new power and authority.

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  12. My wife has ordered me to write today. I cant tell you how much reading these words from other men who are in the same place that I am has helped me. I find the tears come when I submit daily to her will. My tears came when I finally realized that I was being punished for breaking a promise, or a vow to her. As I was being punished that day I felt her disappointment and was filled with remorse. It reminded me of my own disappointment when one of my kids forces me
    to take drastic measures. Dan I think you are there and if tears dont come dont worry. True
    remorse means more to my wife than two buckets of tears.
    a grateful husband

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  13. My (late) first wife had taught me to unquestioningly accept her authority (and her privilege to discipline me as needed) even before our wedding, and when I re-married after her untimely death, no further "breaking" was required - especially because the woman I would later marry had already watched me - being one of my late wife's closest friends - getting a couple of (well-deserved) spankings...
    Both of them have expected me to defer to their authority, and to submit to whatever form of punishment seems fit for any misbehavior on my part - and both are (or were) equally stern when it comes to "pay up time"! No tears, most times, but plenty of squeals - and the frequent shame of having to serve a spell of bare-bottomed "corner time" afterwards !

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