Saturday, November 1, 2014

The Forum - Weekly Topic #63



Hi all.  Happy belated Halloween!  I hope you all had a great time last night, whether with the kids or engaged in more "adult" activities.

I thought we had a great discussion last week.  Some of the couples have clearly taken discipline to that "next" level, where it is all about the discipline and punishment, with most of the eroticism removed.  At least for the person on the receiving end of the paddle or strap or cane.

And that brings us to this week's topic.  Things like requiring an orgasm before discipline or denying sex afterward are clearly designed to make sure that a disciplinary spanking is really punishment.  But, that is from the receiver's perspective.  What about the giver?  What does the Disciplinary Wife get out of the disciplinary relationship, and is it based at all in sex or eroticism?  And, does it change over time? For example, maybe a wife starts out in DD by complying, somewhat skeptically and tentatively, with her husband's request to be disciplined.  Maybe it begins with her trying to give him what he thinks he needs or what she thinks will help the marriage.  That's the way it started out for us.  But, over time, that has changed.  While I don't think my Disciplinary Wife fits into the category of "Sadist," because I don't think she enjoys inflicting pain or watching someone else receive it, over time she has very much to come to enjoy the power associated with directing me to go to the basement, strip naked, and present myself for a spanking.  And, while most of her delight in it seems to be connected to the exercise of power and authority, it does increasingly have a sexual component.

But, for others, perhaps the desire to dominate and exercise authority has been there from the beginning. And, a few are true Sadists.

So, what motivates your disciplinary wife to be that disciplinarian, and what keeps them at it year after year.  And, how has it changed over time, if at all?

Have a great weekend!

Dan

21 comments:

  1. I was a spanko before being married. After marrying, I asked my wife to spank me. She thought I wa a pervert so I forgot about it for several years. aBout 10-12 years ago, I was buying spanking novels from Amazon and my wife asked to read one and I gave her one by fiona locke. She read a few and said, I get it ,I understand why you want to be spanked, and told me to bare my bottom and she took a belt to my ass. it was an intersting first experience, but she had gotten better and uses variously a wooden spoon, a paddle and the belt. She has reddened my butt a lot. I am happy as a spanked husband and whatever you want to call where R is at th the moment is fine. I ask for spankings and she informs me when I am to be spanked. I enjoy where we are.
    Baxter

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  2. Dan, I swear, sometimes you make my head spin! No, it's not a complaint, more of an observation. I'm required to think when I answer your questions. Shilo and I both looked at this blog this morning, and he gave me that knowing look because he could see the wheels in my head turning.

    Okay, what do I get out of this relationship? Sometimes, absolutely nothing. Other times, I get the satisfaction of knowing that I'm happier now than I've ever been. I never imagined that I'd ever feel this satisfied and Loved in a relationship. It's not about the sex either. I mean, yes, the sex is beyond spectacular, but it's the Love and devotion I receive. Knowing that any reasonable request will be fulfilled. Knowing I'm in charge, and that I don't have to worry about many of the things married women my age have to worry about. Shilo's not a womanizer, he doesn't gamble, go out drinking with the boys, and there's complete honesty between us, because he's learned that I can smell a lie. I'm not saying he hasn't lied, but I catch him every time, and he gets a guilty conscience.

    Understanding that I came from a BDSM background, and that it's how we started, I will say that there is quite a bit of mental eroticism. We weren't sexual at first, but I always had a sexual response when I paddled him, even though I didn't feel sexual towards him, and I knew that he had sexual feelings about the discipline he received. That I'm a Sadist and Shilo is a masochist only multiplied the response. The DD aspect came into play after we got married, and Shilo suggested it. It's very different from our “normal” interactions, in that when we are at a dungeon, or just doing it for fun and pleasure, it's more playful. I laugh, I smile, I tease him and whisper “naughty” things in his ear. When it's discipline, I speak sharply, there's no laughing, no fun. I mean business, and I get no joy from it. Shilo knows the difference as well, and I think he dreads those moments. His “maintenance” spankings can be playful, but they are severe, and I'll admit that the first few times I did them, I was afraid of harming him. Now that we've been doing this for a year, I'm less worried, and we're both more comfortable with it.

    I'm going to have an intense week coming up, culminating with a trip to see the in-laws, but I think it's time for me to explain about Sadism, because I get the feeling you and others misunderstand it. Let's see what I come up with for you.

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  3. Dan ...... another thought provoking question indeed. Of course, I can only report from my own frame of reference. While I can have an educated opinion from My Mistress' point of view, it would be only that, an educated guess.

    You made a reference to being required to orgasm before receiving a disciplinary spanking. When I read it, shivers went up and down my spine. I speak from experience. We all know that a true punishment spanking should never delivered in anger because it ican very easily turn into abuse. On this particular day I was summoned in for a spanking. She and I were arguing and worse, I didn't fully appreciate the level of disappointment Mistress had in me and I came of as flippant and not caring. I can still the pit in my stomach when my Mistress stood there EXTREMELY disappointed in me, arms crossed, paddle in her hand. Again, I underestimated the seriousness of the issue and tried to make jokes, or be cute. She was having none of it. I was naked of course, and kneeling on the floor in our bedroom while waiting for my spanking. For the first time ever, Mistress ordered me to Masturbate and ordered me to orgasm within the next minute or I would "so very much regret it". I thought she was making a sex game out of it and was going to make me stop at the edge. I was wrong! She I was to not stop stroking myself until I came in my other hand. While doing doind so she informed me that immediately after i had orgasmed is when I would receive my punishment.

    I came as instructed into my hand. I thought she was going to make me eat it but instead had me go to the bathroom sink, wash my hand, wash my cock and return to her within 30 seconds.

    The after orgasm hangoever was in full effect. The aboslute last thing I wanted was a spanking at that moment. Espcially a hard one. Mistress proceeded to beat my ass harder (it seemedthat anyway because I had just cum) than she ever had n the past. The pain was unberable. I remember it very, very clearly.

    Mistress K. has never had to force an orgam on me before a spanking punishment again, but has threatened to do so. let me tell you, even the threat of that works!

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    1. You are right about the threat being almost as effective as doing it. My first experience being spanked after orgasm was with a girlfriend who was my first disciplinary relationship. She noticed that I resisted being spanked a couple of times after we had made love and it became a goal for her to get me to submit anyway. She saw my resistance as a limitation on her authority to spank me and she felt strongly there should be no limitations on that authority. Eventually we reached an agreement that I would masturbate before a spanking once and after that she would only make me do it if I was directly challenging her authority such as refusing to take a spanking or not cooperating with her when she was disciplining me. With one memorable exception after that all she had to do is ask me “are you challenging my authority” and I knew where that was going and backed down fast. The threat was that powerful.
      Alan

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  4. Hi Dan,

    Just be careful what you wish for. I believe most disciplinary wives spank post orgasm only occasionally as my wife does ( thank God) . But there is no guarantee of that and once you give your wife that power you can't as I have been reminded many times ever really take it away from her. If you broach it with her negotiate something like I did with my former girlfriend that specifies very specifically what triggers a post orgasm spanking. You don't want to leave it open ended because it could be your end that will pay. ( bad pun acknowledged)

    Alan

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    1. Alan, don't get me wrong. I was saying it might be a good test -- not that I had any desire to take that test myself. :-)

      But, I do have a tendency to run my mouth to her about ways to crank up the disciplinary severity, especially when I am feeling particularly contrite and feeling the need to do penance. But, you're right, the problem is you can't put the Genie back in the bottle.

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  5. I had the opportunity to put these questions to Rosa, promising to do my best to relay her answers. We spoke for quite a while but I will edit our conversation to some key points. Her main enjoyment comes from having the power that she has. Yes, she is a bit sadistic and gets off on the signs , reactions, and juicy tidbits of administering a spanking, but it's the ability to order one whenever she wishes for whatever infraction she perceives, without my ability to wheedle out of the punishment that she likes the most. She said that even though she wields her power carefully and responsibly and even lovingly......it's still power, and a one-sided power at that. She admitted that even after all of these years she still will catch herself instinctively worrying about what my reaction to some thing she needs to tell me will be. And then she will realize that she need not worry about it, and that if my reaction seems unacceptable, it will simply mean some reconditioning over her lap and she will laugh to herself over her initial silly worrying.

    The other thing she mentioned is the wonderful feeling of a clean slate after she punishes me. She said that in the past her relationships often soured due to unresolved anger or frustration. Now she simply releases all that negative energy into what we both see as a positive act of discipline. I get a sore butt, but we both go away feeling cleansed. She also said the sheer practical knowledge that she is in charge and doesn't have to be overly concerned over her say in our home is very consoling after feeling like she never had any say in much in the past.

    She also admitted she simply likes having my bare butt on her lap. LOL

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    1. This is almost word for word how my wife describes what she gets out of it.

      Dah

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    2. Sorry, the signature should read "Dan." Dialing in today through an anonymized connection.

      Dan

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  6. P.S. I also wanted to add what I see as the biggest change in her, and it's something I may have mentioned before, and feel very awed by: while Rosa was always confident in a dominant role to some degree, the various and sundry aspects of a DD relationship were new to her at the time of their adoption. And while she took to all of it eagerly and quite naturally from the start, the change I admire and notice most is the transformation of someone who wants this sort of lifestyle but is understandably tentative about certain aspects of it.....to someone utterly confident and thoroughly convinced of its appropriateness. Rosa can impose a rule, challenge a behavior, or assign a task now without even thinking twice. And she will discipline me with that same unflinching confidence in herself and her authority and even right to do so. For me, the change from something of an experimental indulgence to lifelong expectation is simultaneously, gratifying, exciting, embarrassing, and humbling.

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  7. I don’t want to even think of being required to ejaculate and then being put over her lap and spanked. Fortunately she has only had me masturbate for her following a spanking session where she was not interested in intercourse or oral and could see I was very erect while awaiting my punishment. I never challenge her authority by refusing a spanking, but rather become an accepting participant in her administering my punishment. I feel she enjoys exercising her authority and we both agree that the “slate is clean” so to speak following the punishment.

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  8. As I have shared before, our disciplinary arrangement began one evening when we we had an unusually candid conversation about fantasies over a bottle of wine. When I mentioned spanking, my wife - who really had no interest in spanking, but who did have an interest in spicing things up, especially after a couple of glasses of wine - immediately retrieved a ping pong paddle and gave me a decent first time paddling, even if very mild by her later standards. She told me later that as the spanking went on, she gained a little confidence and decided to give me some harder swats, and when I reacted to them with a little groaning and shifting about, she said that quite unexpectedly she instantly felt a sense of power that she very much enjoyed. She later also confessed that she couldn't wait to find an excuse to paddle me after we woke up the next morning (I left the seat up on the toilet as I always did back then) and to give me an even harder and longer spanking with the ping pong paddle - which she did quite nicely, and although still mild by DWC standards, I definitely felt spanked when she was done.
    We have many conversations over the years, of course, and she says that something clicked in that first spanking that has never gone away. She freely admits she enjoys the sense of power that it gives her, along with whole ambiance surrounding it - the sound of the wood on my bare behind, my sobbing and pleas for mercy, the kicking and squirming, and my well reddened behind. There were other aspects she enjoyed as well - reinvigorating our sex life, and as time went on opening up whole new aspects of sex, more emotional intimacy and openness than we had ever had before. And, of course, as time went along I did become somewhat better behaved and less arrogant and cocky than before. --al

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  9. My wife has only required me to masturbate prior to a spanking on a couple of occasions over our dozen years in this lifestyle - and it did indeed make for an absolutely miserable spanking on my end of the paddle - definitely "true punishment". The first occasion was somewhat "by accident" and was just a few months into our arrangement - and while I knew that I would not want a spanking soon after orgasm, my wife had not given it any thought. We had made love on a Saturday morning when the kids were out on some event, when just a few minutes afterward, I did something that gave her an excuse (not that she actually needs one - our agreement gives her the right to "spank at will", even if it's just because she's in the mood or needs to take out her frustrations on my behind) to put me over her knee. Actually, although she had orgasmed twice, I think she was just still feeling feisty - and she had no idea at the time about the post orgasm let down that men have. I did as I was told but about 50 swats into the spanking, I actually used the safe word for the first time (our safe word is not for limiting my discipline, but is supposed to be used if there is a "real" problem). I then had to explain the post orgasm thing to her. She said she understood and would cut the spanking short this time but that I would still have to take a few more because I had earned the spanking regardless of my orgasm. She gave me about 20 more - definitely a break as she has always given me over a hundred swats in a session. Nothing more was said right then, but a few months later I had done something to really upset her and received a good hard butt blistering as a result - and while she busy reddening my behind, I can still recall her saying that if I ever did such a thing again, that she would make me jack off while she paddled me - then after I came, the real paddling would begin. She has felt it necessary to make good on this promise twice over the years - and they were both very painful paddlings - but very effective punishments. As a disciplined husband, I expect to receive regular spankings (weekly maintenance at least), and while they are truly painful while being administered, I welcome them at a certain level. But I avoid the post-orgasm spankings at all costs. The argument might be made that if it is true punishment, that is the way it should be - and that is certainly true. However, I believe it is also true that the sexual tension present in a DWC style spanking (and I mean a real spanking that leaves a blistered behind and brings real tears), is also, for many of us, a real part of the disciplinary process. It doesn't make it less disciplinary, but allows us to experience the discipline in a more accepting fashion - rather than just dreading and hating it (like I do a post orgasm spanking), it allows us to accept and embrace the discipline at a more emotional level - if this makes any sense at all. --al

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    1. al,
      This confirms what I said above that disciplinary wives probably spank post orgasm infrequently as my own wife does although it sounds like I get it somewhat more often than you ( last was more than 18 months ago when she got me home after throwing an unforgivable tantrum at a long planned dinner party and not being smart enough to apologize) I think most disciplinary wives know about its effectiveness but use it as the nuclear option. However there is at least one spanked husband who runs a yahoo group who claims almost every one of his spankings are after his wife makes him masturbate into a towel. So maybe it’s more common than I think. I do know that as much as I hate them when happening I am glad my wife feels empowered enough to administer one when needed. It works as a hard limit on my behavior and I know I will never really go off the rails if it’s part of her arsenal. Even the threat of one which she isn’t shy to issue is enough to settle me down. One other point worth making about post orgasm spankings. If you have had one, the pain and panic experienced is almost indescribable as others above have said. But your wife is really not inflicting any more physical punishment on your bottom than with the average severe spanking and maybe a little less physical punishment because when I have been spanked that way they tend to not last so long. The difference is mental and psychological. I have looked at my bottom after a normal punishment (admit it most of us do that) and then after being spanked after orgasm. The marks are no deeper and last no longer (about 3 days for me) .So the physical part of being punished post orgasm is not worse than many other spankings. Our minds really do work on us and being spanked is probably more mental and psychological than we think
      Alan

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    2. Alan - I hadn't really thought about it, but I like your point about respecting that your wife has the post-orgasm spanking in her arsenal as a nuclear option. While the few post-orgasm paddlings I've experienced were indeed truly miserable events and I truly wish to avoid them in the future, I do have to respect that she keeps them in her arsenal for "capital crimes" - as you aptly put it - it does set a "hard limit" on certain particularly heinous behaviors.

      And as to checking out the condition of your behind after a paddling - absolutely - it it is a badge of honor, after all.... My marks usually last 3 to 4 days also before they completely fade out. --al

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    3. Al, your point about the sexual tension allowing us to approach the discipline in a more accepting fashion is really interesting observation. I think that is a good way to put it.

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  10. Hi Dan,

    We started exactly as you describe, with Mistress simply embracing my interests but our relationship has evolved a lot since then.

    I asked Mistress what she gets out of disciplining me and she said: “It’s something you need on two levels. One, there’s the inbuilt ‘need’ you have to feel the cane. That seems to stem from your fantasies as a child. I can tell when that needs is building because you get quite tetchy with me.
    Secondly, you need to be punished to keep you focused. For example, we both know you are quite stressed about work right now and as a result, you’ve neglected me. The cane takes away some of the work stress which in turn gives you more time to focus on me. It definitely adds something positive to our relationship.”

    If you had asked Mistress the same question four or five years ago the answer would simply have been, ‘to satisfy your fantasies.’

    Things have changed dramatically over time and I’d say Mistress has reached a point where she thoroughly enjoys punishing me – if only because she can see the benefits to her.

    Even though we’re in a lull with DD recently and have we’ve not used disciplinary methods recently, she still expects me to serve her and do the chores. So I’d say our DD regime has had a major effect on our lifestyle too. I am much more sub-servient to her.

    And I’ve seen her sadistic streak emerge. She’s admitted to such in the past and says that after a really hard caning, she likes to ‘mother me’. She used to stop short if I was suffering but now likes to keep pushing and gets most annoyed if I make too much noise which might alert the neighbours to our disciplinary methods! With no neighbours I dread to think how my punishments would intensify!

    The other thing I’ve noticed is how much her confidence has grown in general since we adopted DD. She seems to relish in expressing her authority, and is far more comfortable with ‘who she is’ which is no bad thing.

    Finally, on the subject of being milked or masturbating before punishment. I dread the thought. I know once I’ve had a release, any thoughts of CP, in any form, goes from my head. I’m not saying there’s anything remotely sexual about our DD, but I’d hate to risk adding pre-punishment milking to our agenda! The cane is already painful enough thank you.

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    1. Your comment about confidence really resonated for me. I have always been impressed with how quickly my wife gained confidence in her role as a disciplinarian - quickly taking charge of our new disciplinary lifestyle with the frequent use of the hairbrush and little concern that she was spanking too hard, or my sobs and pleas for mercy. This soon led to changes in the bedroom as well - where she also became far more confident and assumed a dominant role there as well. And although outside of corporal discipline we maintain a modern equal partnership style marriage, her confidence in marital discipline has led to a much more confident style on her part in general in our marriage - and it is even noticeable to a somewhat lesser degree in her dealings with family, friends, and business associates. --al

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  11. By the way, Dan, I personally find that picture of the witch at the top of this week's entry to be really hot. I received one adult spanking before I got married while I was dating an older woman - I was around 20 and she was in her early thirties. She was really kinky and was really more a bottom so she only spanked me once to show me how she would like to be spanked - it was a decent hairbrushing but mild compared to what my wife would administer 20 years later. Still, it fueled fantasies I had entertained since puberty which were probably initiated by an otk paddling delivered at the hands of an attractive aunt when I was ten. Anyway - the older woman that spanked me once when I was 20ish was a practicing pagan / witch - so I always have that association in mind.

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    1. Glad to hear the picture resonated with you, in more ways than one.

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  12. Sex seems to be part of spanking in marriage---except for us! We have a very good marriage and good sex---but on the rare occasion I have earned a bare ass paddling there is no sex nor flirtatious behavior etc---My wife is totally ticked at me---and I admit I am nervous just before i get paddled even though its always the same----My butt I know is going to be hurting big time and i know i got it coming in spades--- It works for us as things are back to being fine between us-- soon as its over----It is just between us so no embarrasment or humiliation---but i hate getting it and hate having any waiting for it---so nothing sensual about it just a damn sore butt---for a small women her swats with the paddle on my bare ass remind me of our football coach and that is not a good memory!

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