Saturday, November 8, 2014

The Forum Weekly #65

Hi all.  Hope you had a great week. Our discussions from the last two weeks had an interesting dynamic. While last week's topic was focused on what the women in our lives get out of DD, the topic from two weeks ago--pre-spanking orgasms and removing the sexual aspect from the discipline--kept spilling into the new topic.  It obviously held a lot of interest for a lot of people, and it's great that the discussion took on a life of its own.

As for this week, I had some time by myself last night, and I thought that maybe I should get a  jump on our weekly topic, so I could free up some time on what was going to be a busy Saturday.  I was even thinking about posting it on Friday night so more visitors would have a chance to get to it early on their Saturdays, especially our surprisingly large contingent of visitors from the UK.  (The whole "English Vice" thing might be a topic to explore in the future.)

But, my plans to get an early start on the post were frustrated by an impenetrable case of writer's block.  Really more like "topic block."  I keep a running list of possible topics, but for some reason none of them had the slightest appeal, or they were things  I wanted to lay the groundwork for with some reader polling before  jumping into the discussion.  In any event, I gave up, hoping that inspiration would hit me over night.  In a way it did, but we'll see if others feel this is a topic worth exploring, since the last time I tried a variation of it, it kind of flopped.  But, we have a larger, more engaged group of contributors now, so maybe it will generate at least a little interest.


The topic is a little nebulous (intentionally so) but it focuses on spreading the word about the advantages of domestic discipline, and also about whether we suspect there are others in our lives who are already practicing either DD or some kind of Female Led Relationship.

Let's start with the former.  When I started this blog, it was really about satisfying my own need to communicate. But, I admit that I do sometimes have higher ambitions for it, such as hoping that it does entice someone somewhere who isn't currently in an FLR or DD relationship to try domestic discipline, similar to the role the Disciplinary Wives Club played for me.  I am a genuine believer in the value of DD and its ability to change the dynamic in a marriage in a very positive way.  For that reason, I have from time to time felt a compulsion to tell others about it.  To date, there is only one person who I have told directly and openly about our lifestyle.   I told her for the most part because we were close friends and it was just one of those relationship things that came out.  But, I also had the zeal of the convert at that stage and felt the need to do some evangelizing.

So, part of this week's topic is, are there people in your life who you would really like to tell about DD, even if you don't think you ever would in real life?  Maybe a couple who is struggling and the dynamic is such that her taking some control over him might help?  Maybe you have a stressed-out, controlling Alpha co-worker who could profit from having to surrender to some wifely power?  Maybe you have a female friend or co-worker who could grow leaps and bounds if she would take up the paddle or hairbrush and use it liberally to assert herself over her spouse?  And, to make this a little more fun, if you did want to let these people know about the advantages of DD, any thoughts on how you might go about doing that, stealthily or otherwise?

And, conversely, are there people in your life who you think may already be in an FLR or DD relationship?  If so, what makes you suspect it?

Have a great week!  Also, my case of writer's block really was frustrating, so please pitch in with any ideas for future topics.  I do realize that at some point we just have to live with recycling topics, but I'm not sure we are quite at that point yet.

Dan




35 comments:

  1. To kick off the comments, there is a couple we have known for a long time that I think could benefit in a major way from DD. He was my best friend at my last job, and we are still pretty close. He has all my worst tendencies: driven to succeed to a point that really isn't healthy, controlling, very self-critical, in short . . very Type-A. He is, though, more self-controlled than I am, in that he holds his temper better. But, I think the cost of that is that he is always just internally seething about things. And, he has the same problems I do with over-indulging with the career-oriented socializing. Until the last few years, his wife always took a backseat to him, letting him run just about everything, while she took care of kids. But, she started volunteering for a community organization, and that eventually turned into running it. I really love them both as people, and I think their relationship--and their health as individuals--would profit from the balancing impact of DD, with him tempering his need to control and push and her stepping up to a more empowered role.

    Regarding people who might be into DD or FLR, I have recently been involved in a project for a customer, with the effort on their side headed by a fairly young woman. She is in her low to mid-30s, married with younger kids. Her experience level is relatively low for this job, but she makes up for it with a certain, well, to put it bluntly, bossiness. But, it is a very low-key kind of bossiness. Not shrill or that kind of pushiness that actually reveals not confidence but its opposite. Rather, she is in charge and likes to let you know it. I've noticed that she does often say "thank you," but seldom says "please." Instead, she simply gives her instructions. If she is not a Dom, she damn well has all the makings of one.

    Dan

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  2. Dan

    Back at the end of September I wrote about an incident at my nieces wedding. My brother in law
    had been going on at how much it cost and I made a rude remark which my wife overheard while at the reception.
    We were staying at the hotel where the wedding took place and my wife took me to our room and blistered my backside with my own belt.After I had to go down and apologize to my brother in law.
    My sister the next day asked my wife how did she ever get my to apologize as I had done in front of several people. My wife told her to ask me. That was back in late september or early
    october. Well a few weeks ago my sister and I had lunch and one of the first questions out of her mouth was how did my wife get me to say I was sorry to my brother in law. I stammered and stalled but after a few glasses of wine i told her the truth I was spanked. I expected her to laugh
    but instead she touched my hand and smiled and thanked me.That was on a tuesday. On saturday morning my brother in law called me and asked me very quietly what sort of ointment I used after a spanking. We both laughed and when we see them for thanksgiving I am sure he will be asking me a thousand other questions.
    I was relieved to tell him. Relieved that both he and my sister now know.

    scott

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    Replies
    1. Scott. that;s great! I don't think I am anywhere close to admitting to a family member, but one never knows.

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    2. If my sister and I were not very very very close, I would never had said anything. But she did say she suspected as much since usually when my wife says ask me, she means its up to me to reveal what i want to reveal. I dont regret it. I am curious what my brother in law wants to ask me.

      scott

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    3. Well, no matter what he asks you, it will be a much more entertaining conversation than anything that will be happening at our table on Thanksgiving.

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  3. We (Shilo and I) just arrived in MS today to celebrate Shilo's birthday with his parents. Last year, I joked about thanking him for his birthday, and his mother look absolutely horrified. Still, I'm going to talk about it again this year too and maybe even pull out a paddle from my suitcase. Since most of our friends and acquaintances are active in the kink community, we don't really have to share, because they know.

    a few of the Senior Church Ladies comment that he is very well mannered, and very attentive to me. I'm still waiting for someone to ask me my secret. Maybe one day I'll just volunteer it.

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    Replies
    1. I wrote Spanking not thanking. Damn autocorrect!

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    2. Hi Merry. Is he OK with his parents knowing?

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    3. Hi Dan!

      It's day four, and I have dropped several very heavy hints, but I just haven't come out and said anything. Shilo has not been feeling well the last few days, so I've not really gotten too much into it. I mean, I haven't even given him a spanking since we've been here. Mostly because he's just not been feeling well.

      I think he's alternately excited and afraid of me letting his parents know.

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    4. I am OK with "anybody" knowing about "it" BUT I'm not ready to take out a full page ad in the local newspaper, or bring it up as a "Hey guess what..." during idle conversation.
      If the subject comes up in some logical fashion, I will openly talk about ...my acceptance of DD in an F-L marriage.
      Merry wrote, above "Mostly because...."
      Well, it's been 100% "because.." I have not been feeling well.
      This was a trip and 'vacation' best soon forgotten. I have chronic IBS symptoms that vary in intensity from 0 to 100 on a day to day basis, and were in the high 90s most of this trip.
      Merry left me alone in this regard, and whatever paddles she packed never emerged from her suitcase.

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  4. There is only one other person that knows my wife spanks me. She lives on the other side of the country. We have visited her and out of ear shot of my wife she asked if I had been spanked lately and I said no. Maybe I should give you one she laughed. The truth is I'd love to have her and my wife spanking me and making me submit and lots of embarrassment.
    archedone

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    Replies
    1. Does your wife know that his other woman knows?

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  5. Spanking is a secret between my wife and I. I ask for it and she happily gives it. It is fun though in my mind to wonder who at my place of work is into spanking. One coworker and his wife were at our home for drinks and dinner once and he did say something about his being disciplined when they get home, but I have no idea what that was or what happened.
    Baxter

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    1. Interesting that he referred to that without any other context or follow-up. Thanks for sharing.

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  6. I don't need to worry too much about who to tell...........because nearly everyone we know, knows! Most recently we hosted a Halloween party and one of our many decorations was a Halloween Village, similar to the Dept. 56 "Dickens Villages" you see, but made in resin not porcelain by Lemax. Since I am a bit of a modelling hobbyist, Rosa asked me to 'modify' a few figures so they would be a little more 'R' rated. Two normal, human male figures were modified so that they were being spanked over the laps of a couple of ghoulish, zombie women.

    We had a lot of people over and due to that set-up, there aren't too many friends who aren't pretty aware of our lifestyle. Even my two nieces now know 'something' or suspect at least.

    Recently a neighbor we haven't told made a teasing remark to Rosa about using some implement on me and Rosa told me about the incident. I asked, "when did you ever tell her about us?"

    "Never," Rosa answered, adding, "but after the party and the scenes in our village I think she pretty much figured things out on her own."

    Still, I must say, everyone we know who knows is supportive about it or at least bemused.

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    Replies
    1. KD, do you think it is the spanking element of the lifestyle that everyone knows about, or the FLR aspects (Rosa is in control of you), or both?

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    2. Good point of distinction, Dan. Well, those who know because we've told them know about Rosa being the boss and disciplinarian. She is also very confident and even casual in making remarks along those lines in public settings. With my nieces, I think they knew Rosa was the boss in the house long before they got a clue about the disciplinary aspect and Rosa seems to still think that they might only think the 'spanking allusions' are just teases and not for real......but I'm not so sure.

      I would say the neighbor who figured it out on her own has seen enough of us to also have seen Rosa's authority and my deference to her long before she saw the Halloween figures. Now I think she sees the whole picture. As for the others at the party that we've not actually discussed this with? My guess would be that depending on how well they know us, they might think the spanking aspect is just a kinky activity within our relationship. But those who know how Rosa is, might see the FLR aspect as well.

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    3. Thanks, KD. I sometimes think the distinction is important and that people may be more accepting of spanking as kink than of getting spanked because "the wife wears the pants" in that family. But, when I read stories such as Scott's, above, I wonder if I'm right about that, given how quickly his sister not only accepted his DD lifestyle but actually adopted it.

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    4. Great blog! Great resource for folks........

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  7. One couple comes to mind. We met them about five years ago because our kids were in activities with their kids. Although we always liked them both, we worried about their relationship because they seemed to always argue over many little issues. Both of them privately complained about the other one being too controlling. When the man complained about this to me, I always told him that my wife was also pretty controlling, but I didn't consider that a problem. (I never mentioned that I get the paddle on a fairly regular basis.)

    One summer while all the kids were at summer camp, they mentioned that they were taking a week of vacation to sort of their marriage. We were worried that they might decide they were incompatible and get a divorce. After that vacation, we noticed two sudden changes: she was clearly in control and they both seemed very happy. I like to think that my comments may have had an impact on this result.

    My wife and I sometimes speculate about whether she has learned to wield a paddle. We have talked about whether we should bring up the subject, but have decided not to.

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    Replies
    1. I agree it's probably best not to pry, but the change in their relationship is certainly telling, and inspiring, While I don't think DD is for everyone, I do think that sometimes relationships just work better with on person in charge, and other partner may find they really like giving up control. I admit that we are not quite there yet. I think that giving up control is good for me, and I do always give in when she exercises authority, but at the time it is happening I really hate it. Old habits die hard . . .

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  8. Topic suggestion: What surprised you about the way the DD or FLR relationship turned out? What happened that you didn't expect or didn't happen that you did expect?

    In my case, I would list several. I expected that I would feel guilty about spanking my husband. I didn't. I didn't expect to enjoy giving a spanking. I do (and I sometimes feel guilty about that). I didn't expect us both to get a restless feeling when too much time passed without any behavior that deserved a spanking. We undertook it with the idea of it changing him. I have probably changed more than he has.

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    Replies
    1. That's a great suggestion! I have another topic in mind for next week, but I'll probably use this one the following week. I'm not sure you left me much to talk about when I use it, however, because I think everything you list applies to our relationship as well.

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  9. As for other people that might benefit from such a lifestyle, I know my neighbor would love to have such a relationship with her husband because we have discussed this at length. However, her husband is not at all interested, and knowing him as well, I can see why she might want to spank him as a motivational tool but I also see how he would not react well to such discipline as well. It's kind of sad.

    The other person who really needs an FLR is my brother. And oddly enough, it was our own late mother who mentioned it to me when she and I were discussing my own FLR and how Rosa uses real, disciplinary spankings to keep me in line. I mentioned before that my mother sort of shocked me when her reaction was not merely the supportive one I hoped for, but one of actual, solid endorsement. She thought that knowing me as her son, and what she knew of Rosa, that it was an excellent arrangement as long as we both thought so as well. But she certainly had no concern for my welfare since she trusted Rosa and her motives, and to my own embarrassed amusement, she had no sympathy for me getting spanked hard either! But I never mentioned that she sort of ended our long conversation by saying she wished my brother had a similar relationship with someone fair, loving, and strong like Rosa. It surprised me to hear my own mother not only support me being motivated and kept in line with true disciplinary spankings, but then....on her own....suggest her wish that her other son could someday live under the same sort of control. Mindblowing! I see her point, and so does Rosa. My brother is a recent widow and Rosa has learned that he functions better when she is firmly though playfully bossy with him. And I have seen that he really responds to it as well. So I guess our late Mom was right!

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    Replies
    1. Does your brother know about your FLR relationship?

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    2. Absolutely. Rosa talks about it all the time.

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  10. We have been practicing domestic discipline for over 8 years but only recently have we begun to implement an actual FLM power exchange in the major areas of our relationship (5 Food Groups). As we begin to practice a more complete power exchange and experience its benefits, I find that I am becoming more enthused to share this lifestyle with others. When our relationship focused strictly on spanking, I was terrified that others might find out. Now that I am semiretired, and Lady Mary is our sole breadwinner I no longer care what others may think.

    In particular, we have been discussing Lady Mary paddling me in front of one of her lady friends. Many years ago I had an unhealthy emotional (nonsexual) relationship with another that damaged our marriage. In fact, that is the incident that introduced domestic discipline into our life. Even though I have been thoroughly punished for this behavior (trust me) I still feel bad, because Lady Mary confided in some of her friends about the situation. One lady friend in particular is a mutual friend that we periodically see socially. When we are all together, I still sense that this friend has lost her trust and respect for me. I feel that being spanked in front of her would not only provide the ultimate atonement and catharsis for me but would also increase this friend's regard for me as a faithful husband. The spanking would therefore be a source of gained respect not something that causes shame.

    Lady Mary insists that she does not need any additional retribution and is reluctant to spank me in front of a witness because it is not necessary. She says she "is not there yet". I can tell she is confident that this former bad behavior will never happen again.

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    1. Hi RB. Do you think it is the power exchange that is making you more enthused about sharing, or the retirement?

      I share your concern--past concern in your case--about someone discovering our lifestyle and it having a career impact. But, someone learninga about spanking worries me less than someone learning that the spanking happens in a DD context, i.e. that the spankings are punishment for breaking my wife's rules, not just kink. I think kinky is increasingly accepted. I'm not as sure about FLR, particularly for those in occupations known for their "macho" culture.

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    2. It's probably a combination of the two factors. On one hand I don't have to deal with the chain of command at work (I was more concerned about the people that worked for me finding out rather than the folks I reported to) ; on the other hand Lady Mary has really gained confidence and achieved personal growth as we explore the FLM lifestyle. I find her growing self confidence to be very erotic. Maybe I should be more concerned about the chain of command at home??

      By the way I have started a blog myself this week and I borrowed one of your cartoons (I gave you credit and listed a link to this site) I also have a copy of the FLM Agreement that we are using posted as well as a short essay I wrote that distinguishes maintenance spanking from therapeutic spanking. If you are interested please feel free to visit and post any suggestions or concerns.

      http://husbandspanktherapy.blogspot.com/2014/11/spanktherapy-compared-to-maintenance.html

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  11. We suspect several of our friends are in a FLR and know for sure of two couples. Of those we just suspect , one wife is very in control and has several times told him in our presence that he would “pay severely for that” (over drinking, smoking, reckless driving and so forth) when we get home. He invariably blushes and also stops doing what she is chastising him for so we are pretty sure that they have a DD. Spanking may or may not be involved since they have never mentioned it but she is in charge. The other couple we suspect because his wife often talks about how well trained he is and how his mother trained him first and she is making sure he stays well trained. He is very obedient around her and like the first couple she is clearly in command. We have talked about coming out to both these couples but since spanking is such a big part of our relationship and we don’t know for sure about them we have held back. If either one of them expressed an interest in spanking we would probably take the leap. We do know two other couples who use disciplinary spanking in their relationship only one of which we are now in contact with. We have had many good conversations with these friends about spanking and on one memorable occasion with one of them our respective wives took our pants down and demonstrated techniques after a summer night of drinking wine on the deck. One thing I have learned from all this is how different DD relationship are from couple to couple. There is no one size fit all and while we all use spanking rituals of some kind they are all different as is the reason spankings are administered, when , where and particularly with what. With just the two couples we know for sure, my wife almost always uses the ( bath) brush, one other couple uses a riding crop ( for serious punishment) and the other almost always use a strap. I think there are more and more couples adopting the life style but maybe not all of them employ corporal punishment as part of it. Personally I think corporal punishment has been such a plus in our lives every DD couple should at least try it.

    Alan

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  12. Hi Alan. You are running with a much more adventurous and talkative crowd than I am. So far, none of our social friends or work colleagues has given any hint of being in an FLR or being into spanking. For the two couples that you suspect, maybe you also go see 50 Shades of Grey together, then have drinks after to discuss it. That might open up some spanking dialogue.

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    1. Dan

      Birds of a feather and all that. But seriously Most of our friends are outwardly very vanilla. The two couples we know in DD go back to friendships we had before we were married and there is some history there. Also people who use disciplinary spanking are pretty private about it. We would never go to a spanking party for example although if Aunt Kay’s get together was still around we would consider it. Just my opinion but I think many DD couples don’t use corporal punishment and that makes their style relationship very different from ours. If a women can command obedience from her husband without spanking, she probably will not spank. But for most of your male commenters spanking is the glue that holds it together and a wife’s interest in controlling behavior would be frustrated if she didn’t spank.

      Alan

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    2. Hi again Alan. I agree. Spanking parties are not our thing. And, I felt like when Aunt Kay talked about spanking parties on the DWC, it was sort of a departure from what that lifestyle was supposedly about. It was supposed to be spanking used as discipline, which is almost by defintion not what a "spanking party" is about. That's not to say I don't understand a disciplinary couple getting together with another couple, exchanging notes, etc. But, if it's just "Let's get together with a group and all the husbands get spanked . . ." That's Funishment, not DD or anything close to it.

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  13. It's hard to know how many people know that my wife spanks me. There is her sister, of course, who has known from Day 1 (and who often "takes a hand"!) Three of my wife's closest friends have also occasionaly watched me being spanked or whipped. I don't know whether any of those four women later gossipped about it (but I rather suspect they did!)

    And, then, there are the (many) times when my wife applied the hairbrush or the martinet to my exposed derrière in one of the hotel rooms where we were staying while on vacation (as well as in some other semi-public places).

    I know (from the looks we got) that we were overheard on some of these occasions - but those who guessed what had just occurred were strangers, and I don't know whether they were shocked, amused (or inspired?) by what they had heard...

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