Saturday, June 14, 2014

The Forum Question of the Week #48

Hi all.  Welcome back.

Confession time here at the Forum.  As is often the case, I come into this weekend tired and in recovery mode.  My job requires a lot of traveling, and a lot of socializing with customers and others.  And, when I'm not out with customers, there are the constant temptations to go out to discuss something with a colleague, over a drink.  Or a junior member of the team wants career advice, over a drink.  Or we got a major victory and everyone wants to celebrate, over a drink.  The net result is that most weeks, I hit Saturday and, instead of being able to really enjoy it,  I'm trying to recover enough energy such that I can start the whole cycle over again on Monday.

I bring this up in the context of our domestic discipline situation.  My tendency to let the workplace alcohol consumption, the late nights, and the intensity of the job get out of hand were some of the reasons we started down this DD path in the first place.  Yet, while we've made progress, ten years down the line the original problems still have not been fixed.  While I have to take 90% of the responsibility, I will place the remaining 10% on one factor: lack of consistency in our FLR and DD activities.  We have never quite gotten to where my wife really is exercising her power over me 24/7, fully embracing it and making me submit to her wishes, including her wish that I stop some of the unhealthy habits and pull back on the frenetic pace.  And, a lot of my bad behavior goes unpunished, often because our lives are so busy and there are kid and other distractions.

So, this week's question is really two related questions, one of which appeared recently over on Hermione's Heart.   First, have you had times when bad behavior went unpunished, and you knew you really needed a spanking, but it didn't happen?  Did you do anything about it?  How does it make you feel and impact your FLR or DD relationship?  Second, for those of you who have made that jump to a real, consistent FLR relationship, where the wife exercise firm, consistent control, how did you get there?  On the latter question, I would love to hear from some our DD wives on how they made the mental leap into the full-blown leader in the relationship.

Have a great week.

Dan

25 comments:

  1. For me I found a strong willed woman, raised by a firm single Mom, and who feels it is what most men need, wanting it or not, just a part of their make up. My wife is very serious when it comes to my spankings, mostly done in private, the bedroom, her mother has on occasions witness some of my spankings, and a close friend of her, but that is all. So to answer your question I feel it is the make up of the woman that reaches this point, it is something they have and then realize it is best to use.

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  2. In my first DD relationship she liked to spank and spanked very hard but she had trouble initiating a spanking and liked me to ask for one (or confess guilt). This didn’t work for me because I needed her to take charge and discipline me when I obviously needed it. I sometimes felt she was asking me for permission or checking to see if I was agreeable before she took my pants down. It made a bad dynamic that we made some progress on but eventually split up not just because of the lack of consistency but that was a factor. My wife started with a lot more confidence and assertiveness because she had been the bottom in a previous relationship but she too lacked consistency in administering spankings. What changed it I believe was time and her growing experience that I acted out badly if I needed spanked and didn’t get it and I behaved well when her hairbrush was never far away. I think also the strength of our relationship helped because she felt secure and free to express herself which included warming my bum when frustrated by me. After she confided in her sister she seemed to become more committed to controlling me and today I know without a doubt that if I disobey her or violate a rule I will be spanked. It is wonderful (except when it’s happening)
    Alan

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    1. Maybe we are too subtle with the women who after all do love us and we expect them to " just know" Maybe we need to say things like you just said about who is in charge and being very open with them that its really not spanking as much as it is the feeling they are in charge and we must obey. I have had some very severe discipline from several ladies but I would trade it all for a mild hand spanking from a women who absolutely commanded my obedience and controlled me throughout.

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    2. I think I need both. A firm hand in both the literal and metaphorical sense. I need her to take control, but I also know myself well enough to know that real change would come about only through a combination of a firm attitude backed up by a spanking that is severe enough to make me really regret the behavior.

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  3. Wonder if any of you had ever received hard bare spankings immediately after being made to cum ? It sure takes the FUN element away fast. The wives should have this tool in their arsenals..

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    1. I have not. I've thought about suggesting it, but it is another one of those things where I say I want to be really disciplined . . . but not quite that much.

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    2. My wife has me naked and uses a paddle. I enjoy it that way.

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  4. Thats an interesting idea, the one about whether we would still want to be disciplined after having orgasmed. Personally I would not. Therefore for me at least this makes me wonder if this is a more a desire for sexual gratification than a desire to please my wife and be a 'better husband' or some such.

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  5. Well said Tommy! I think all men who are disciplined this can be a factor. I personally always ask
    my husband, " Do you need to feel the paddle? " Every time there is that moment since he knows
    even if he wants it to happen there is a chance I may first milk him in the most non sexual way then paddle his bottom. I dont to this every time but often enough to make him think.
    Dan to say you want to be really disciplined .. but not that much doesnt show to me at least, that you are ready to hand over control or even have controlled seized from you.

    an in control wife

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    1. I said I had not asked for it and probably wouldn't. That is not the same thing as saying that I would not submit it it if she did, in fact, seize control and demand it. There probably are a lot of things she could do to increase her control in some way or other that I haven't suggested or she hasn't demanded. One could, for example, take both spanking and sex completely out of the picture by using some kind of non-corporal punishment, such as grounding. I have by the way, suggested that as a possible way to "amp up" her control.

      And, I'm sorry, but I just don't buy that "milking" takes the sexual aspect out of using spanking for discipline. It may change the order in which sex takes place, but it certainly does not remove it from the equation. The concept of a non-sexual orgasm sounds a lot like someone claiming they are sticking to a diet by switching to reduced calorie ice cream and low fat potato chips.

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  6. I am quite strong-willed (stubborn) and smart-mouthed. Sometimes, she calls me on my mouth, but ... not always. So, we've had talks about consistency, that she should call me on it every time, not just ... some times.
    We are currently on a hiatus from FLR-DD. The hiatus started when my emotional instability brought on by stress and depression, became apparent. I'm much better now, thank you. But we're still on hiatus, while she re-works and rewrites the document that she calls a 'contract' but I call an agreement. Once that is "signed, sealed, and delivered", we'll be back into it, 24/7.
    For now, we engage in the occasional "FUNishments" because she enjoys spanking my butt as much as ... my butt enjoys the spanking ...um, afterwards.

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  7. I'm not nearly as consistent as I should be. I mean, I can pack a really good wallop, but he so often enjoys it that it makes actual discipline difficult. This means he can be a brat and get away with it. Other times, he will be disciplined for minor infractions. I'm working on a better system but not sure if it will work.
    Susie

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    1. Susie again. Let me add that alcohol consumption is not a problemwith my husband and he gets along well with my family. I guess I can have things a lot worse.

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    2. On several occasions I have had too much to drink while visiting with my wife's sisters. I can be rude when drinking. A few months ago after acting up at a family gathering my wife told me to get ready and when I refused I really saw her determination to keep me in line as soon after smacking my face for the first time I found myself face down getting the leather paddle until I was black and blue, I won't soon refuse again as of course doing so violates a rule I agreed to

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  8. Rosa is not shy about initiating a needed spanking. However, we do live in the real world and sometimes things get postponed and then sometimes forgotten. As the sub you'd think I'd be grateful for these memory lapses, but I'm not. I am frustrated by them. Early on we discussed this and she readily understood. We both acknowledged the very real fact that sometimes Tops simply forget to administer a declared punishment and that subs often are adversely affected by this.....usually thinking all sorts of thoughts that are actually not as true as merely accepting that even eager and willing disciplinarians forget. So we have a firm rule: if she forgets a punishment, I am REQUIRED to remind her. Simple thing that works. Since it's a rule I don't feel funny in reminding her and she then is able to deal with a situation she has just honestly forgotten amid the bustle of daily life.

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  9. My wife would admit that she is not particularly consistent. We don't consider this a bad thing. In fact, it is intentional. We both accept the proposition that clear rules consistently enforced make violations very rare and the need to administer discipline very infrequent. That isn't our goal. We do not use spanking for behavior that she wants to totally eliminate. I would simply never do those behaviors regardless of any consequence beyond displeasing her. Our list of spankable offenses are things that most people, especially men, do all of the time, like ogling women that wear skimpy clothes in public, telling off-color jokes, or procrastinating chores. I am spanked if my behavior goes too far. The fact that "too far" is a vague, subjective standard and that she applies it inconsistently inevitably means that the line continues to be crossed. Consequently, there is an ongoing need for her to administer a punishment periodically. That's the way we want it.

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  10. My husdand spanked me often enough - even before we were married - and I didn't really mind (in fact, I found it fairly enjoyable - or, perhaps, "exciting", especially on the few occasions when it happened before close friends - but we agreed (at his suggestion) to "turn the tables", I discovered that I really enjoyed it! He was OK with that, but as I got sterner (and started to experiment new "tools", I found that I had to remind him that he had only himself to blame for the fact that I now enjoyed what he himself has encouraged me to do!

    A.

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    1. That is probably a common occurrence. Be careful what you wish for, as you might get it!

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    2. That's exactly what I have been telling him !

      A.

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    3. For a while, after we agreed to "turn the tables", A. would make a point of asking (after I had already bared my derrière) : "So, you really want to be spanked, eh?" or "How do you feel about getting the martinet?" Later on, she would simply announce: "Well, it looks like I'm gonna have to whip you!" - which still left a narrow window for me to object (I didn't!). Now, she dispenses with all such preliminaries, and simply orders me to "assume the position" whenever she feels I deserve (or need) it...

      N.

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    4. Well, that's the way it should be, isn't it? Bare your bottom, and fetch the paddle or the martinet when ordered! The rest is up to me - and it's for your own good !

      A.

      A.

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  11. We're still feeling our way around the whole issue of FLR and DD. My wife has become more comfortable with the idea of spanking me, though she confesses to not understanding my need. Where we struggle is with her initiating it on her own for discipline, but has no problem with so-called "funishment". The good thing is that we've had some long discussions about what I desire on the DD end of things. She's asked me for feedback on her technique, what I like/don't like, etc. There have been times when I've really felt badly about a situation in the past (I too had a struggle with alcohol and when I stopped drinking felt enormously guilty over my past behavior) and confessed to wishing she'd punish me, but it never happened. I've also asked her in the past to discipline me in conjunction with my attempts to lose weight, but that is a bit of a challenge in that she herself is overweight and feels wrong in trying to make me adhere to something she herselfs struggles with. So where are we today? She recently told me that I'm to tell her when I feel I need discipline. That's hard for me, but I'm willing to do it and think it will lead her to taking more of the initiative on her own. She surprised me the other day by telling me to order her a hairbrush paddle, so things are moving in a new direction. I have a feeling that just taking that step alone will lead to a change in our dynamic.
    Rob

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    1. When we were first starting, we put quite a bit of formality into it, in order to establish a pattern and so I did not have to ask. Instead, we came up with a list of offenses, and a presumptive minimum number of swats for each offense. Once a week, I had to present her with a summary of each instance of rule breaking, and the spanking would happen right then. Such weekly check-ins helped get her in the habit of thinking of herself as the disciplinarian.

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    2. Sounds like a good procedure! In our case, however, A. no longer feels that she has to tally up such a "spank account". Instead, she decides when my misbehavior(s) have reached the point when the use of the paddle, the martinet (or any other of her many "tools") is required - and she then proceeds to apply them - with no objection on my part being tolerated...

      N.

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