Saturday, April 5, 2014

The Forum #40 - When Should They Know

Hi all. Welcome back.  I want to begin this post with an apology.  Last week, I offended a reader in the course of responding to one of his comments.  Although I really did not mean it to be a criticism of him, it definitely could have come off that way.  It was the result of me being flippant and caustic, which sneak into my communications on a much too frequent basis.   And, although I was reacting to what I saw as him being subjected to discipline for an unfair reason, it ran afoul of one of the rules I try to live by, i.e. not judging other people's kinks or their approaches to DD.  Different strokes for different folks (pun intended, even if it was pretty bad).  So, I want to own up to being less than fully welcoming to a guest and contributor, and for once again showing that there is a reason I first went to my wife and asked her to become my disciplinarian:  I am an imperfect person, I make mistakes and, unfortunately, I tend to make the same mistakes repeatedly. I do apologize and will try to be a better host.



This week's question extends from a reader named Holly, who wrote a really great post in the Guestbook last week.  Please migrate over there and check out the whole thing, but here are the sentences that most caught my attention and provide the fodder for this week's topic:

"There wasn’t any time I wasn’t aware of domestic discipline. Mom spanked our dad never in front of us but when she took him into the bedroom there was no doubt what was going on and anyone in the house could hear it. I didn’t think much of it except that mom was definitely in charge which everyone knew anyway."



Those three short sentences raise a lot of interesting topics for discussion:
  • Do your children know about your DD activities?
  • Do you come from a DD home, particularly one one in which your mother spanked your father?  If so, how did that affect you, if all?
  • While most of us with children probably try to hide our DD activities from them, would such knowledge necessarily be a bad thing?
Generations of women have been raised in patriarchal households, seeing their mothers live their lives in subordinate roles.  Would it really be so bad for them to see a woman firmly in control?  And, does the child's gender matter?  For example, if a female HoH might serve as a role model for her daughters, would the subservient father be a negative role model for boys?

When I asked Holly some of these questions, she provided a very thoughtful reply, cautioning in favor of erring on the side of keeping knowledge of the DD relationship away from the kids.  I tend to agree, with some misgivings, but it would be great to hear your perspectives.

Have a great week.  And, please take Holly's example and take a few moments to enter something of your own in the Guestbook, particularly if we haven't heard from you before.

Dan

31 comments:

  1. We did not have children but I do not think they should know about t until they are adults. Adults is more then an age thing.

    TK

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    1. TK, thanks for this, and for the post to the Guestbook.

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  2. Our children discovered my wife's tawse paddle strap while cleaning our closet. I was there when they found them and it was hard not to run over and make some excuse while struggling to hide them. But they put them up and said nothing. I know they have on a few occasions heard me getting it. The worst of my embarrassment was when their grandmother offhandedly mentioned that she had spanked me years ago when I " talked back".

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    1. That would definitely be embarrassing. Were they old enough to understand what a tawse is used for? When they heard a spanking going on, do you think they knew you were the one receiving it, as opposed to your wife?

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    2. They knew it was me I am sure, because they came home and we didn't realize they were in the house and I was pleading with my wife that I had had enough. My wife and I were mortified.

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    3. Was there any discussion with them about it, or did you just ignore the situation?

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  3. I know my situation is very unusual as I have followed your blog and others. Our DD was started many years ago when my wife's mom set the tone for my wife by spanking me in a truly disciplinary way. I had no prior fixation or even thoughts of being spanked and had never been spanked by my parents. I was eighteen and very slight she was in her early fifties and quite a bit bigger than me. She had warned me several times about my mouth and bad attitude but I never paid attention. One day while she and I were alone in her house she confronted me and said she intended to teach me a lesson. After listing my offenses and my poor attitude she told me she was going to spank me. At first I thought she was kidding but then she grabbed me by the ear and led me to the back of the house. I still had no idea of what was coming and it was the first time I had the impulse of what I now know is submission or bottoming. She fumbled around in a dresser drawer a bit and found a short leather strap. She ordered me to drop my pants and at that point I froze and momentarily resisted. Shorty after slapping me my pants were around my ankles and she was strapping me as I jumped forward trying to block the strap. It must have looked comical as we went around in a circle. Then she bent me over the dresser bent my arm behind my back and really let me have it now many years (45) years later I know I might have gotten away, I know I really didn't want to. All thesis years later my wife has been spanking me and it has a real function in our marriage. The spanking are sometimes not punishment but more of a way of getting my attention and clearing the air. My wife and I have discussed my first spanking many many times and there is no doubt that it was really awkward getting spanked by my mother in law but I owe her for setting the example my wife and I have mostly enjoyed all thesis years

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    1. Thanks, Bart. The way your DD relationship started is unusual. Like you, however, I too began with no prior fixation with spanking. I was in my mid-30s when we started DD and had been married for over ten years. Until then, spanking had just never entered my mind as an adult activity, and I had never thought about domestic discipline. When I did first stumble across the concept, it had a very strong, immediate impact. I have no idea why, given the lack of any pre-existing interest.

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    2. My recollection all these years later was that when she said she was going to spank me her tone of voice and posture had an immediate effect. She had my total attention. It didn't ever come across as any kind of sexual thing, rather it was about authority. Even taking my pants down was more about showing who was in charge. I was shocked by how much it hurt but rather than really pulling away I knuckled under. At first as she strapped my in instinctively jumped out of the way and tried to block the strap, but then as she bent me over I just took it. By the time she was finished I felt like a small boy. She never seemed to pat any attention to my genitals her only point was that I knew she had exhibited power over me. Although she made some off handed comments over the years this only happened once. Although this event was the catalyst for many years of DD with my wife I never wanted another session with my mother in law. My wife at first found my telling her about this really funny, she found her ability to change the dynamic between us useful. Over the years she has spanked me for discipline and for sexual excitement. Their is never any confusing these things as

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    3. Bart, Lord that being spanked by your mother in law must have been so embarrassing. My mother put me over her knee and spanked my bare bottom till I was bawling likea big baby 3 days before my wedding. My future wife and her sister witnessed the spanking as I begged and cried over moms knee. Mom then led me over to Janet and put me over her lap and let Janet finish the job. We have been married just a few years but I probably the best behaved husband alive. Robin

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    4. It was really humiliating, and I was so worried that she would tell someone. As far as I know she never did. It took sometime before I could bring myself to tell my wife because I thought she would not only think it ridiculous but also that I was some kind of weakling. That night as I sat with a sore bottom I was embarrassed thinking the family some how knew. A few times over the years my mother in law made some comments and gave me a look that made me go weak in the knees.

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    5. I really can't imagine how embarrassing that would be. Though I've never had a real desire to be spanked in front of someone else or to have others know about our DD relationship, there is something I do find more than a little intriguing about the posts from you guys who have other female relatives who know about it. It has to add to the sense of vulnerability, that you are not only spanked by your wife, but have also been spanked by other women or the family and could be again, or at least that others know about the situation, know you are subject to a woman's discipline, etc.

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    6. For many years before the internet I thought my experience was unique. I thought I was really strange in as much as a grown up if young man who was spanked like a small kid. I couldn't understand why I was affected the way I was by such a strong willed and physically strong woman. I didn't then and don't know think of myself as wimpy. I was a pretty good athlete and have been a business leader most of my adult life. But I was in some way transfixed by my mother in law when she firmly said she intended to spank me and after hesitating when she told me to drop my pants and getting slapped I would have done anything she told me to do. My wife has a similar kind of control when she tells me I am in for it. She understands how affected I was by her mom's taking me down a few notches and has never mentioned to her sisters or anyone else. Before the few incidents with our kids it has been our secret all these years

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    7. I really wish there were a way to figure out what proportion of men have had adult spankings in some kind of disciplinary context, as opposed to "funishment" or foreplay. I suspect it is not high, but I really don't know, and experience like yours make one wonder.

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    8. I know most of your readers are here to exchange stories about as you call it funishment. What my wife and I have mostly falls into that category. What I wonder about is how many readers trace their fascination to some real disciplinary spanking as a child or some interaction with a female authoritarian figure. I am now in my sixties and have carried the feeling of my first experience for more than forty years. It is a powerful memory and being able to interact with others who might get it is very valuable

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    9. Bart, I think it's a great topic, and I'll make it the subject of next week's forum. Given the circumstances, I can certainly understand how that forty year-old memory is still in your mind and still motivates your behavior. I am always curious about how people arrive at the interest in spanking and/or in having a woman take control. In my own case, I don't think there was any motivation tied to a female authoritarian. If anything, it may have been the opposite. My upbringing was pretty dysfunctional, and I was making most of my own decisions by a young age. Teenagers always think that being in charge of their own lives would be fun, but in may ways it's not. Every decision and its consequences is on you. I often think that what attracts me to DD is simply having someone else impose some boundaries on me, since I never really had anyone do much of that growing up. Though, it's complicated. In some ways my mother was the HoH, but not in the sense we use in the DD community. In any event, fascinating stuff this question of how we become who we are.

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  4. Dan
    Let begin by thanking you for your apology. Yes I am Peter and later in rereading my entry i realized that i was perhaps guilty by not taking the time to spell out just what happened. My wife's friend has been a loving and caring friend to my wife since high school. I think if i were honest i am jealous of their conneciton. Anyway i was punished as much for using foul language to our guest. My wife pointed out to me the other day that when my rather boorish Dad spouts things about womans place etc my wife smiles and holds her tongue. I should have done the same. Anyway when i spoke harshly to Jessie as my wife said it was slapping my wife in the face.
    I submitted to the punishment and the humiliation and please be assured i will hold my tongue and think before i speak. Please know i would take a hundred spankings and any humiliation to prove to this wonderous wife how grateful i am.
    So please forgive me and know i look forward to your blog.

    peter b

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    1. Peter, welcome back! Thanks for the additional context. The entire exchange emphasized to me something I know but need to take more to heart: DD relationships come in all shapes and sizes. And, if someone has voluntarily agreed to accept correction from their wife, it is their business--and only their business--how that works in practice. Interestingly, I reacted to something that I didn't think was fair, but I've written blog entries before about how real submission to authority mean submitting to your wife's discipline even when you don' think it is fair.

      Also, during our weekly check-in, I plan to tell my wife that I once again had a problem with being aggressive and cynical and creating interpersonal problems without reason.

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    2. thank you Dan

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  5. We are in our 50s.. and newlyweds.
    She has 5 grown boys, none of whom live with us, or particularly near us.
    At least in part due to horrific memories they may have of their father..and his belt... She has chosen to NOT speak of our DD activities around them.
    She HAS disciplined me in front of her Other Man in the house, and in full view of the 20-something year old female boarder that lives with us.


    Neither one of us come from a DD household... that we are aware of !

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  6. Adult spanking is for adults so non adults should be insulated from parents practices at least until they are adults. It world be interesting to hear from anyone who did become aware that mom spanked dad who would talk about the effect it had on them. Does anyone know?

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  7. Our (mutual) spanking games developed well before we were married, and continued before we had children. In due time, we had to adjust to the kids' presence - i.e. to take advantage of their being at school or at play - and this became easier as they were growing up. We now have an "empty nest" home - and need not worry about being overheard...

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  8. Our children (from previous marriages) are grown up and I think it would be very embarrassing for us (and them) if any of them found out I was punished for misbehaviour. But only because it would be very difficult to explain that, actually, for us corporal punishment is an effective way to keep our relationship on track and any minor issues are dealt with immediately, avoiding any long drawn out rows or silences.

    Why couldn't we explain that? Because society has sadly long forgotten the merits of corporal punishment and only harks back to the abuses that hit headlines - rather than the positive effect it had from many as short, sharp shock to correct their errors and set them back on track.

    Lifestyles have changed dramatically since we were children. When I was growing up corporal punishment was in frequent use in schools and at homes. Though neither Mistress nor I were subjected to CP at home, both of us grew up with the ever-present threat of the cane that ensured good discipline was maintained - though I realise this wasn't the case in all schools. However, I know people were more open about using CP methods back then, and people knew that husbands spanking wives and, I suspect, wives spanked husbands.

    As I said, neither of us came from DD homes but it's quite interesting that both Mistress' mother and her daughter often joke that 'what you need is a good spanking' when I'm playing the fool. It's quite obvious that all the females on that side of the family have dominant streaks, even if they've not unleashed their hidden psyche. And I do wonder what the reaction might be if they knew that Mistress was my disciplinarian.

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  9. My wife began my domestic discipline before we married. I have a snarky tongue and her applying a brush or belt to my bottom has been the way to get me back in line. When our twin sons entered our lives 22 years ago we quickly learned how to schedule such sessions while they were out of the house. Both boys went off to college and once they were gone we enjoyed the freedom to play whenever and wherever we chose. When the boys were home there was never a moment that we were in a position that we might be discovered.

    This past holiday season one son chose to go off to London to visit his new girl friend and meet her folks. Our other son planned to be home. At the last minute he called to tell us he was going to have to work and wouldnt make it home. We were disappointed to say the least. We adjusted and gave a dinner Xmas eve. I had a few too
    many glasses of wine and my snarky comments made my wife angry. The next morning at breakfast she came down with brush in hand and at once bent me over the sink and began smacking sense into me via my bottom.
    I was howling a bit when the door to the kitchen opened and there stood our son, backback in hand standing in shock. I scurried to our room pajama bottoms around my ankles and left my wife to deal with our boy.

    The rest of his visit was awkward to say the least. None of us spoke of what he had witnessed. The day after he returned to school we got an email .
    " YOUR SECRET IS SAFE WITH ME. I LOVE YOU BOTH AND KNOW HOW MUCH YOU
    LOVE EACH OTHER. IF THIS IS HOW YOU KEPT OUR HOME A HAPPY ONE I AM
    GRATEFUL. KNOW I WILL TELL NO ONE. NOT EVEN MY BROTHER. YOUR LOVING SON"

    a spanked dad

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    1. That's great! Though I'm sure it was mortifying at the time!

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    2. Dan
      You have no idea. What makes me most nervous is the boys are both going to be home next week for Easter. Just the idea that one knows our "secret" makes me nervous. My wife tells me to just stop it.
      We shall see soon!

      a spanked dad

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    3. I think your wife is right. The horse is out of the barn on this one. And, you seem to have raised a very mature son. I'm not sure many would have handled it the way he did. I know I would have been way too immature to do the same back then.

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  10. In my current situation, my dominant girlfriend and her three kids live with me. At the very start of our cohabitation she discussed her desire to live openly as a family.....mainly to show that a responsible, mutually desired lifestyle is nothing to be ashamed of. I saw her point and agreed. That was about 4 years ago. I do think the reason this has worked so well for us is the particular serendipitous dynamic we have. I tend to doubt her kids would be as receptive to a DD household if I was the dominant partner spanking their Mom for misdeeds. But in our case, this arrangement has been completely embraced by them. In our home, there is never any reason they need to worry about how anyone might be mistreated. They and their Mom are safe and secure.

    Overall her kids see me as a father figure most of the time and have said so openly. However, there is also a feeling of being in the same situation with regards to their Mom's authority.....with the exception that they are not spanked. So, if there is any misbehavior in the house, any one of us can expect to be punished by my honey. However, they experience only revoked privileges. I too may have privileges revoked, but invariably my misdeeds are handled with a punishment spanking behind closed doors......but not out of earshot. All three (now 13 through 18) have also had issues where I either scolded the wrong kid, or impatiently snapped at one of them for no good reason, and the issue was resolved with their Mom spanking me for it. And despite our great inter-relationships, none ever seemed too upset about me getting it good for hurting their feelings.

    However, other than this dynamic, we are very much the average family in every other way. There is no lack of mutual respect. No inappropriate teasing. We all care about each other very much. Coming out to them merely resulted in an open lifestyle. No worries over who was home if I needed to be punished.....just off to the bedroom and immediate consequences: a combination of a stinging backside and the embarrassment of having my punishment being easily heard. It might sound strange....but it works for us.

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  11. You are right about kids. A lot of people think of them as some separate species, but I have very good recollection of childhood and I know what my thoughts were even at early ages and stages. Kids are just mini versions of us. They are regular people.....in training....but exactly like us. I hate when people describe kids as innocent. I truly believe anyone who says this has never had kids or watched kids interact, and wish to believe in some pleasant fuzzy fairy-tale. I love kids....but as they are,

    Our situation works. In my past relationship with my own kids, my ex and I worked hard to keep our lifestyle a secret. A couple of years ago I came out to them (as well as my mother) and guess what? They admitted they had figured it out on their own ages ago. So much for discretion. When my mother learned of my lifestyle her reaction surprised me. I had hoped merely for acceptance. Instead she actually endorsed it! My honey found it very gratifying indeed to know her strict methods had my mother's approval. A few years ago I never thought this level of acceptance for such a lifestyle would be possible. It seemed unlikely. But everything I have told you here is the straight, unembellished truth.

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  12. If you are going to borrow an image from my Yahoo group (which I actually wrote the caption for) you could at least promote the group here on your blog.

    spanked_husband
    owner/moderator
    Spanked_by_their_Wives

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    1. A few points. First. if you want an image of yours removed, all you have to do is ask. Preferably politely, since there is no reason to do so in any other way. Unless you are a tool. Because only tools open a conversation with a snotty message, when they could just ask for something nicely. Like, "Hey, I noticed that you posted an image that I put a caption on, and it may have come from my Yahoo Group. Your readers might like some of the other images I have posted there. Would you mind promoting it with an attribution?" Second, the fact you posted an image in your Yahoo Group does not make the image "yours." Any more than the other images that you probably took off the internet without the artists' permission are "yours." Third, the fact that you put a caption on someone else's drawing does not make it "your" drawing. In fact, unless you had the artist's permission, the term for that caption you added is "copyright infringement." Fourth, I have no idea where I got that image originally, but I haven't visited a Yahoo Group, yours or any others, in a very, very long time.

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