Saturday, April 19, 2014

Happy (Belated) Birthday to Us!

Welcome back everyone!  I am one of those husbands/fathers/sons who would chronically miss every anniversary and birthday if not for  electronic calendars and alarms, and even then I still screw it up more often than not.  Therefore it came as no particular surprise when, after saying in a post that this blog was "almost" a year old, I checked the date of my very first posting and found that the first birthday of The Disciplined Husbands Forum actually came and went a month ago.  Time does fly, doesn't it?

So, let's reflect a little bit on where we are.  We've gone from a tiny handful of readers to over a thousand on peak days.  Not bad.  While our number of weekly comments still doesn't approach that of some other spanking blogs, in the last couple of months we've had several people become fairly regular posters.  While participation by disciplinary women remains pretty low, we do get the occasional comment from women who haven taken their problem-child husbands firmly in hand, so to speak.  So, all in all, this group has come a long way, and I want to thank all those who come back every week to see what we are up to and perhaps contribute a line or two.

We also have learned a little bit about the people who comprise this little community.  Here are the final results of my year-long, totally unscientific poll, which included 949 total respondents, of whom:

607 (63%) identified themselves as disciplined husbands
35 (3%) identified themselves as a disciplinary female
250 (26%) are "disciplined males in waiting"
18 (1/%) are "female disciplinarians in waiting"
6 (< 1%) are disciplined females
75 (7%) are just curious

Now, again, this is a completely unscientific sampling.  In the time this blog has been up, there have been over 200,000 page views, but less than 1,000 took the poll. But, it may provide some interesting clues to the composition and motivations of those involved in TTWD.  First, it is clear that the number of men who visit this kind of blog dwarfs the number of women, by a factor of 20x.  What isn't as clear is whether that means more men are interested in domestic discipline, far more men are interested in F/m domestic discipline than are women, or do men just spend a lot more time than women visiting blogs and particularly blogs with "kinky" content.  It would be depressing if there are 20 times more men looking for disciplinary relationships than women willing to accommodate them, and thankfully the numbers do not quite seem to bear that out, given that 63% of those who took the poll indicated that they are men who actually are being disciplined in their current relationships.  That would seem to indicate that the skewed poll results come from a skewed readership, i.e. there are just a lot more men seeking out and finding this blog.  Of course, the fact that the masthead identifies it as a forum for men might have something to do with that.  Duh. See below for more on that.

We've also learned a little more in the last few days about origins and how we came to be in or to want this kind of relationship.  Here, the trends surprised me a bit.  Based on other blogs, communications with other contributors, etc., I have assumed that domestic discipline relationships usually begin with the man requesting it.  Some of the recent comments here, in the Guestbook, and on a couple of other blogs I follow are leading me to question that assumption.  People seem to be finding their way to these relationships in a variety of ways.  One began with a spanking by a mother-in-law.  Some were instigated by the woman taking control at the beginning of the marriage, and those seem to regularly involve multi-generational F/m relationships, i.e. the new disciplinary wife grew up in a household where her mother was in charge.  Others transitioned into domestic discipline after years of traditional marriage, often because the tradition wasn't working.

As for the interest in spanking, there does seem to be a common, though not universal, theme of it starting early in life.  But, as I said, it's not universal.  I had no interest at all in spanking or DD until well into my '30s.  And, there doesn't seem to be any real pattern with respect to why people become fascinated with the idea of being spanked or with receiving female discipline.  Some were spanked in childhood.  Some were not.  Some had early encounters with female authoritarian figures.  Some did not.  Some associate the need for discipline as an adult with getting it as a child, while others think that they are interested in it as an adult precisely because they did not get it growing up.

In short, I've learned a lot over this year, and I hope you have, too.  One really important thing I learned relates to my own motivation for doing this and what I want this blog to be when it grows up. When I wrote that very first post, I was not really sure where I wanted to take it.  I knew that I wanted it to be very participatory and inclusive.  I also knew that I did not want it focused on me and my own experiences.  I wanted it to be a discussion, not a journal.  But, some contributors said they wanted to hear more about my own views and experiences.   And, a part of me does sometimes want to share a particular event in my own DD life, or some frustration that I'm experiencing, etc., and to experience some real communication about what is going on in my own DD life.  Though I still shy away from that to some degree.  But, I think the recent interactivity in the comments is working pretty well, with some real discussion and exchange of views taking place, and I'm trying to share more about my own life without this becoming a confessional about the bad acts that often result in me making that trip to our basement "woodshed." 

I also have learned that I really want this blog to be a resource.  Without getting all self-important, I do think that there is a very powerful transformational element to F/m domestic discipline.  I believe there are lots of real world examples of it empowering women, helping men become better husbands, and helping previously dysfunctional couples take their relationship in a more positive direction.  At first, I was a little leery of taking the blog in the direction of a "how to" website for domestic discipline relationships, to a large extent because I did not want to step on the toes of the Disciplinary Wives Club, which was a great resource that played a major role in helping my wife and I figure out how to experiment with this idea of her exercising more authority over our marriage.  My reticence on that front was much reduced when the DWC closed earlier this year, and I now feel like there really is a void out there that needs to be filled for couples who want to explore the possibility of changing the power dynamic in their relationship by empowering the woman to take control and exercise her authority over her man, often by making him bend over her knee or otherwise prostrate himself to receive a well-deserved dose of discipline!  In that vein, just yesterday I got this very gratifying comment on the Guestbook from a Disciplinary Wife named Colleen:

"Your site has been a great help to us. I enjoy the questions you pose, and the comments that follow are very insightful. Ed approached me a few years ago about his need to be disciplined. Through your site and the things said by those who have commented, I understand a little better what needs to be done so that both of us can grow in the areas that need special attention."

That pretty much sums up what I want for this blog.  I want it be an inclusive resource, where people interested in this lifestyle come together to share ideas, experiences, tips, etc.  And, I really hope for more participation from the Colleens out there, i.e. the Better Halves reflected in the 600 men who identified themselves in our poll as "disciplined husbands."  With that in mind, what would people think about changing the name of the blog to something like the Disciplinary Couples Club, or something that better reflects something that is not just a forum for men, but something to be shared by men and women alike, though keeping the focus on the F/m variety of DD?  Of course, such an effort might flop regardless, given that the poll results do tend to indicate there just are not a lot of disciplinary women seeking out these kinds of websites.  But, again, is it because the title of the blog has indicated something not so inclusive?

In order to emphasize the little manifesto set out above regarding group participation, in lieu of a weekly topic this week, I want to ask everyone (including some of the silent majority who drop by each week but never say "Hi" even with an anonymous post) to go to the Guestbook tab above, and enter a comment.  The Guestbook has a series of suggested questions, but they are just that -- suggestions.  You can answer them or not, but please just drop a line or two about yourself, your interest in DD, and also let me know what I can do to make this blog better as we get further into year two.  Thanks again for making it a great year one!

9 comments:

  1. Hi Dan,

    I would say that your blog has been very successful. You have posters who are serious and straightforward. So to me, comparing the numbers to other sites that I can tell are aimed at thrill seekers is not a good comparison. I do read those sometimes, but I would never take the time to post there. I’m only interested in communicating with real DD people.

    Changing the masthead may boost female readership, but I am not sure is should be done. I believe you would have to make it inclusive like “Disciplinary Wives and their Disciplined (Spanked) Husbands Forum” - a bit long but may improve search engine hits. I know very little about search engine programming, but getting the word “spank” in there as above may improve it. Try to think about what a woman who has just been approached would search for, and get that in the title. On the other hand I always go for quality before quantity so on that basis your site is fine as is.

    As far as the DWC goes, Aunt Kay was a big help early on. We have her videos and some printed material. But in reality, her site has been dead for years - nothing new, no interaction, etc. Aunt Kay didn’t even want to correspond with me. She wanted to talk with Colleen who saw nothing to be gained from it.

    The multitude of varied beginnings of our wishes for a disciplinarian shown by your poll may indicate that the source is really wired into us at birth, and has little to do with life exposures. The life exposures may just give us our own personal framework on which to hang our disciplinary worlds.

    I would suggest that not many Wives post because they are simply too busy with daily chores, not the least of which is keeping us in line. Wives who take to this DD role are probably high performers, and spending a half hour talking about it takes away from other necessary things. It doesn’t take very long to give a spanking, and when they see results, that fulfills their purpose.

    Does your Wife read your blog? I don’t recall seeing any posts by her, but then I had to speed read past posts in order to catch up.

    Happy birthday! Who gets the birthday spanking?

    Regards!
    Ed

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    1. I also think you're right that part of the difference in female-male participation is that the women may, on average, have busier lives than the men. And I think the implications of that may go beyond mere reading and posting. A couple of years ago I was talking to a female friend about how Fifty Shades of Grey had become such a phenomenon and, without telling her anything about my DD lifestyle, I told her that I had a hard time understanding why women were so attracted to something that involved submitting to men, given that women submitting to men's authority wasn't exactly a novel thing in our culture, and wouldn't it be more empowering for them to take over that authoritarian role? She gave a derisive laugh and said that most of her friends already feel like they have too much control, or at least too much responsibility. In addition to their own jobs, they almost always take on more of the child-rearing burden. They usually do most of the cooking, the shopping for the home, etc. Even when the husbands try to pick up a fair share of the work, a huge proportion of the daily responsibility for home and kids usually falls on the woman. Under those circumstances, she asked, why would any of them want to take on one more thing to be responsible for? That did strike home, because isn't that need to abdicate responsibility one of the reason that hard charging men seem attracted to F/m domestic discipline? It just feels right to let go of control and responsibility. And, no, my wife doesn't read this blog or, as far as I know, anything else that is spanking or DD related. She thoroughly explored the DWC site a couple of times, but that was it. I've asked her a couple of times whether she would ever be interested in talking to another Disciplinary Wife, and she was against it. As far as I know, the only other person who knows is the mutual friend I talked about in my last post, and she has never expressed a desire to engage with anyone else on the topic. Though, I honestly think it would be good for her. Deep down inside, she really wants to expand into a more 24/7 dominant role. She knows it and I know it. The last time she spanked me, she first made me stand and await her instructions for several minutes, as she went about doing other things. She told me later that she really, really likes ordering me to what she wants, and not needing to give any reason or explanation. But, somehow she can never quite make the leap into really internalizing that attitude and reveling in it. But, you never know how things will turn out. Twenty years ago, she never would have seen herself making her husband bend over naked to accept a hard paddling.

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  2. Hello Dan!

    This is Susie. I've been reading you for about 3 months "shadowing" my husband, who is a regular reader. I answered your poll, and I like your current format. Since I never read DWC, I have no opinion on it, but I do enjoy reading the comments from the men here, and I feel it gives me a look inside the minds of the men who regularly contribute here.

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    1. Hi Susie! I'm glad you and your husband found us. I'm glad you like it. Great to hear from you and hope to do so more in the future!

      Dan

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  3. Dan
    Congrats on your much needed blog. I am wife of Peter B and was impressed both with peter and your interchange. That is why a blog likes this needs to be. I have told several women I know to read your blog and if not act on it to learn how many men are indeed out there looking for a some form of guidance. It seem the most important thing is that there is a forum for many different views of marital submission by men. Keep up the good work.
    Beth
    wife of peter b

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    1. Hi Beth. Thanks very much for the kind words. They are much appreciated, as is Peter's and your ongoing participation. Thanks very much for recommending this blog to other current and, hopefully, future disciplinary wives.

      Dan

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  4. I think your blog has really taken off and it’s good to see how the interaction has developed over the past year. I find it good to discuss DD with other like-minded people – it’s not something you can openly talk about elsewhere – at least that’s how I feel. I post when I can but I could contribute more.
    I looked at DWC but by the time I discovered it, the site looked like it was dormant. And I wasn’t convinced by the ‘reality’ of some of the feature and letters etc that I read.
    Interesting that your wife doesn’t have any interest in reading your blog – or any others. Mistress is just the same. She sat with me early on while I surfed around to learn the basics of DD, and she’s asked me to post a couple of her views on our blog. But otherwise, she’s happily developed her own idea about how our DD regime should work and has become a very effective disciplinarian and authority figure.
    This is a real generalization and I’m sure I’ll get soundly spanked (metaphorically speaking) for saying it, but I think women are much practical-minded than us blokes and once they have embraced the DD lifestyle, prefer just to get on with and run things their way, which is probably what you would expect of a really committed authoritarian disciplinarian.
    Keep up the good work with the blog!

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    1. Thanks! While it may be a generalization, I think there is a lot of truth to the fact that women are more practical and they just do what they do without needing to talk about it as much. Also, in my wife's case, part of the issue is just time and relative priorities-- she doesn't have enough of time, and reading and writing blogs just isn't high on the priority list

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  5. My interest in being disciplined by women clearly started with my aunt (mother's older sister). As a young boy (8 or 9 I think) I would spend much of the summer at her house playing with my cousins. I somehow developed a deep crush on my aunt and remember wanting to "worship" her. In those days, all parents in both families spanked kids their own as well as nieces and nephews--as punishment. My aunt made the offending child cut a switch from a tree in the yard and present it to her to use in the bare bottom whippings we each received. This was more extreme and ritualized than in my own family; I found it both terrifying and mesmerizing. I began secretly to crave whippings from my aunt. I would intentionally (though mildly) misbehave and become tremendously aroused thinking about my punishment. Though the whippings were severe and quite brutal, when they were concluded I felt a strong desire to grovel at her feet and thank her for correcting me. One day I followed through on that, kneeling before my aunt, and kissing her beautiful bare feet. To my surprise and delight she allied me to do that, even in front of her own children. I was soon combining whipping, foot worship and sexual arousal into a lifelong fetish.

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